More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

I use Command hooks to hang lights etc. They are a fabulous resource and I have them all over the house for various things.

www.wilko.com/en-uk/command-damage-free-white-mini-hooks-6-pack/p/0343544

Thank you x

@CatChant I’m determined to get those outside lights up! Just like I was determined to put the big heavy sign up and DS and I managed that. Thank you so much too for the Command hooks info @TheDeadlyNightShade. That’ll be the only way we can fix lights up. There’s no guttering round the windows it’s just the flashing, so hooks it’ll have to be.

DS had today off and was dosed up on paracetamol and nurofen. He’s going back to school tomorrow. I know what you mean about the speech Cat. He lisps for a day or two and had the dribble problem too. Reminds me of when he was teething.

DD4 went to a friend’s house after school. They waxed their legs and did dress reveals and practised their makeup. It hurts me that STBXH won’t see how beautiful she will look on the night.

Like I’ve said I’ve noticed over the last nights that I have the sick panicky I-can’t-cope feeling. Then I close my eyes and all I see is them in bed. Am I going backwards or does this happen? I thought I was on the up and generally I think I am doing much better but right from day one I’ve found the evenings and nights the hardest and it seems like that’s starting up again. And I don’t expect g it to. I don’t know if I need to go back on the citalopram or not. Speaking to the GP is impossible right now.

And all this, all this has been caused by the person I gave my life to. It’s just unfathomable.

This is rapidly turning into another whine so next stop here for tonight.

x

I feel like I don’t want nighttime to come. All these thoughts crowding in again - what IS wrong with me???

Nothing is wrong with you Legs, it’s not nice but it’s entirely normal.
Think of your brain like a data storage facility - when you were going through all the crap back then complicated things were coming in so fast that the staff had to just Chuck it in any old box and get a lid on it to get it off the conveyor belt in order to get to the next thing and prevent a pile-up. Now you’re out of the situation and got more nice things coming in they’ve got time to go back to some of those haphazard boxes and tidy them up so they stack a bit neater. It won’t go on for ever, but there will be times (like Christmas and anniversaries of things) where those boxes get taken out and repacked - it will happen less and less as time goes on.
I don’t know if getting a little notebook and writing stuff down of an evening when the thoughts all get overwhelming might help? It could take away their need to jump up and down in your head for attention so you can deal with them next day after some sleep?

It sounds like PTSD @MoreLegsThanMe. You have been through a tremendous upheaval that was not of your making. You trusted and he betrayed that trust

Their life will not be the fairy story they are pretending it to be. They have a relationship built on lies whereas you have done all the hard, honest work to get to where you are now

We are all behind you, rooting for you and cheering you on. You have been an inspiration for all of us going through the same thing with your dignity and strength

You deserve new happiness, you have earned it

Ah dear MoreLegs when we say "onwards and upwards" it's a general trend. There are still going to be blips and sad patches. How could there not be after such a betrayal? But as time goes on there will be less of them, they will be shorter and they will be less consuming.

Don't berate yourself for not healing faster. You wouldn't if it was a matter of a broken bone taking time to mend. Why should you when you are recovering from having a truck driven through your life?

Would it be possible to have a telephone consultation with your GP? If you need a bit more help to get through this then so be it. Frankly, I think your courage, determination, dignity, and consideration for your family have been exemplary. No matter how distressed you have been, you have always protected your DC.

And you don't whine. This is your thread, for your support. It doesn't have a time limit. It is here when you need it and so are we.

Another Christmas tradition for your consideration - indoor hyacinths. I like to have some pots of them coming into bloom around Christmas Day. The scent is glorious. Super-organised people pot up their own but I buy mine from a garden centre or M&S.

Take care.

PTSD in some form or other wouldn't surprise me. I think that sometimes enough weight isn't given to the trauma of such a drastic and unwanted life-change as you've had. They tend to want pat you on the head and say "You'll get better", Rx a few pills (not putting down meds, they're very effective), and send you on your way to 'recuperate'. I was lucky in that I found a very good, very sympathetic counselor who understood that a broken marriage/relationship IS a real trauma regardless of the 'why', often as seriously-impactful to the individual as a death. She helped me acknowledge the breakup in a way that allowed me to grieve rather than try to convince myself it was a 'lucky break' right off the bat. Eventually I got to that place, sure, but I had to work my way there.

I think (armchair psychologist hat on) that you probably have unresolved trauma. You've moved on wonderfully so far and built a great new life and opened yourself up to new possibilities with Mr NM. But that doesn't mean there aren't bits and pieces tucked away somewhere that need to be dragged to the light, examined, and 'dealt with'.

Thank you x

I like your analogy @Sunbird24. It does feel like I’m boxing up the last year and putting (hiding?) those boxes away. When I’m feeling more sensible I can see how sometimes they need opening and sorting through..

Mr NM has also suggested PTSD. I’ve always brushed it off- I’ve done that here too - because I’ve always thought it’s something that follows a terrible trauma. Witnessing something awful, being subject to a crime, that kind of thing. I suppose I’ve never equated what has happened to me with anything like that. Does that make sense?

I still have a supply of Citalopram. I don’t know though that I am depressed. It’s so hard to explain how I feel. It’s more a deep deep sadness and unhappiness. I don’t feel what I think depression is?

Quite unsurprisingly STBXH hasn’t made his paltry maintenance payment. I can’t help but compare him to Mr NM who pays what I see as a staggeringly high amount, but who does so every month and who says it’s for his DS’s benefit and he happily pays it. I can’t even get £30.00 out of STBXH….

Why did I ever think he was all I wanted out of life? Why did I ever think he was the best husband anyone could wish for, and the best father to our DC? I genuinely don’t understand. I never thought of myself as stupid but clearly I have been. Now I’m paying the price…

Another short post so I don’t bore you all senseless with my moaning.

Maybe I’ll be more cheerful tomorrow, fingers crossed.

Tell me to pull myself together, buck up, grow up or whatever. Just get me out of this!

x

Dear OP, google CPTSD. It's quite common if you've been in a long term abusive relationship.

Dearest Legs, I think it's entirely possible that whilst you don't see what has happened as awful enough for the label PTSD the clue is in the title "stress". You lived in a very stressed state for a long time and the final denouement was horrendous for you. I do not believe myself to have suffered PTSD but I have had therapy (EMDR to be specific which was brilliant) which helped me work through some stuff from my mum dying when I was a teenager. It has really helped me deal with some situations in a much calmer frame of mind. It basically just helps you to process the experiences so that your brain is able to become a neutral observer of your memories rather than past experience triggering current responses.
EMDR is used specifically with trauma, I never considered myself a candidate for therapy after all I'd been fine for a long time, didn't see the need but it came up in relationship to other things as something I could do and I decided why not. I was rather surprised at what came out, but ultimately what I'm waffling away about is that it was really useful and I feel that it would potentially really help you.
You have come so far in the past year, don't doubt yourself now, when you were living that past life you played the hand you were dealt. You lived your life as best you could, now you're living a better life that doesn't make the past you stupid, just a different person to who you are now.

Depression, and also PTSD, can take many forms. For some it's a crippling sadness, others it's an unreasonable anger, for yet others it's a feeling of total numbness.

Don't discount your feelings, explore and 'name' them. Discounting them is part of the 'tactics' the arsehole used on you. Making you doubt or question what you felt or believed to be real is what allowed him to get away with the shit he pulled.

Thank you x

It’s really hard, this. I don’t suppose it even enters his tiny brain what he’s done. I couldn’t imagine doing that to anyone but he was so calm and just fucked off leaving me to pick up all the pieces and carry on.

I wonder if I feel like this partly because it’s coming up to Christmas. I always loved the run-up and the decorating and wrapping and good shopping. This year there will be barely any presents because I’m paying every single outgoing. The responsibility makes me feel sick sometimes. I can’t just buy food I think people will like as a special one-off, or go mad on rubbish food that the DC only get at Christmas. I can’t afford it. Decorating the house is the last thing on my mind. I doubt the outside lights I so wanted will materialise. I can’t afford those either.

I sound like a right Grinch don’t I.

How do you just leave someone in a situation like this? I still can’t take it in properly.

I’d so like to talk to Nr NM but he has his DS now until late Sunday. I make a point of not intruding on their time together (do you think that’s best?). If he messages me I do reply of course, but I don’t get in the way. He’s always so reasonable and calming. The polar opposite of STBXH.

DS is still sore after his braces were adjusted on Tuesday. I wish I could help him more. DD4 is excited for her dinner dance on Sunday. I just want to be able to share all this with someone. Just the stupid things. Hopefully I’ll speak to Mr NM late on Sunday or maybe Monday.

Lord this is just like how I was at the beginning isnt it. I’m so sorry.

x

Ok first things first breathe and look back at how far you have come.

Next let’s start planning some things you can do. You were always the one who made Christmas happen anyway you can do it again this year just different and more inventive.

This autumn has been incredible because we haven’t had the storms the trees are putting on the most amazing colour show. This weekend go for a woodland walk and your mission is to find good foraging spots for a couple of weeks time, you can make a Christmas wreath very cheaply then you can get a very short cheap, string of lights to wrap around it from somewhere like Poundland and hey presto you have so,e lights outside. Not the vegas like display that you’d like but it will be a start and the fresh air will do you good.

Gifts go for one gift each, no one will mind it’s the thought behind it but I can see that that thought, on an unfamiliar budget will be overwhelming but think of the spirit of things more this year.

As for food you have adult dc, share the load, be honest that your budget won’t stretch as far this year and split up the financial load with everyone bringing a contribution so you do the turkey and someone else does puddings, others do alcohol. They won’t mind, you’ve tried to hide it from them, but they know you’ve had the year from hell just be honest that Christmas would help financially if it’s a joint effort.

@Billybagpuss

Ok first things first breathe and look back at how far you have come.

Next let’s start planning some things you can do. You were always the one who made Christmas happen anyway you can do it again this year just different and more inventive.

This autumn has been incredible because we haven’t had the storms the trees are putting on the most amazing colour show. This weekend go for a woodland walk and your mission is to find good foraging spots for a couple of weeks time, you can make a Christmas wreath very cheaply then you can get a very short cheap, string of lights to wrap around it from somewhere like Poundland and hey presto you have so,e lights outside. Not the vegas like display that you’d like but it will be a start and the fresh air will do you good.

Gifts go for one gift each, no one will mind it’s the thought behind it but I can see that that thought, on an unfamiliar budget will be overwhelming but think of the spirit of things more this year.

As for food you have adult dc, share the load, be honest that your budget won’t stretch as far this year and split up the financial load with everyone bringing a contribution so you do the turkey and someone else does puddings, others do alcohol. They won’t mind, you’ve tried to hide it from them, but they know you’ve had the year from hell just be honest that Christmas would help financially if it’s a joint effort.

All of this ^^ is SUCH a good idea - particularly asking your adult children to share the load regarding food and drink. We do this often in my family (not just at Christmas) and end up with lots of different types of food and drink for everyone. Nobody minds and everyone plays to their strengths. We also do Secret Santa for presents. To be honest it's a relief to only have one present at an agreed budget and you can really focus on a present for the one person. Don't forget about searching for promotional codes to apply to online purchases, as you might be able to get a better present but within your budget.

This year has been tough for you, OP, with a lot of firsts in it. Please believe me when I say it will get better. 🌹

Dear MoreLegs please don't beat yourself up because it can't be the same sort of Christmas. It's how you treat your family that counts and on that score you will always be top of the tree.

Better to have a Christmas lighter on material consumption in an atmosphere of love and respect, than one that's no-holds barred when it comes to the budget, but based on deceit and mistrust.

I think @Billybagpuss has made marvellous suggestions, and yes, do share the load with the adult DC. I am sure they will want to help make it a good Christmas for you and pitching in with contributions to the feast is a tradition in many families anyway. A sensible one too. Why should one person do all the work?

One gift each is fine and it's amazing what pops up in a trawl of the local charity shops. If you have bookworms to cater for then it really is easy to find something suitable.

Old newspapers and magazines make brilliant and surprisingly attractive wrapping paper - I've been using them for a couple of years now. And sprays of holly and ivy are free, fabulous and traditional for Christmas decoration.

I do think you are wise not to contact Mr NM while his DC is with him. It shows sensitivity. And lovely as Mr NM is you've done this alone successfully for a long while now. Don't think you need him to cope because that would be underrating yourself.

Hope DS adjusts to the brace soon and DD4 has a lovely time.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

@MoreLegsThanMe

As a child and teen, all my memories of Christmas have been about the people, the atmosphere and the family around me. Stupid games, lots of laughs. Eating chocolate for breakfast. Not about the presents, or if we had a wreath on the door. Your children will be (are) the same.

As for how he can live with himself after what he’s done? Only he can answer that… and you’ll probably never know. If he did ever deign to give you an honest reply, it doesn’t alter the actions he’s taken.

It’s tough to say this - and it’ll come after time - that it’s something you have to accept. I know others have mentioned counselling… I’ve had some of that, and I meditate too. You’ve been betrayed hugely and it takes a while to unravel from that.

My STBEX claimed the way he treated me for 20 years was out of ‘love’, and so my interpretation of love is now very skewed. I too have a NM who treats me like a princess - although to him and others, it’s just a normal loving relationship!

Thank you x

A late night last night because I needed to pick up DD4 after her dinner dance.

Thank you so much for your Christmas ideas. The wreath sounds fab @Billybagpuss. I’m not the most creative person though. Were I to make one it might well look like an elephant had sat on it,but there’s no harm in trying to find some holly or something is there….

What I have thought of doing is perhaps getting the DC something smallish on a monthly basis and just delivering it to the older ones or leaving it on DD4 and DS’s beds..that would probably work out as more of a surprise than Christmas. I’ll make sure there is something for them on the day, it just won’t be what they’re used to opening.

Christmas will be me, DD3,DD4 and DS. The older DDs spend Christmas with their families, which is absolutely fine with me. I wouldn’t want them to feel they should do anything different just because of this arse of a year. Food wise there will still be a turkey. I just won’t go too crazy on that last before-Christmas shop.

STBXH’s payment of the divorce costs would of course wipe out all my problems in one fell swoop. I doubt very much I’ll see a penny though. If I want that money it’ll probably mean making a small claims application.

My hatred of this man and how he’s left us seems to grow more and more each day, if that’s even possible.

It’s ridiculous but I don’t even know how to bring the subject up with him. Should I message? Email? I really really don’t want to speak to him. There’s 0 chance he’d offer to pay, even with the Costs Order. Just like everything else that I can remember, it will be up to me to sort it out and chase it up.

I should be far happier than this in the run up to Christmas shouldn’t I!!

x

Buy a special new Decoration to signify the start of your new life.
You have been an inspiration.

Re divorce costs. I checked the box, and when our financial settlement went through they were included as part of that.
He will be ordered to pay.
Make sure you finalize your finances through official means of a consent form (which must be drafted by solicitor) before you submit your decree absolute.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Thank you so much for your Christmas ideas. The wreath sounds fab @Billybagpuss. I’m not the most creative person though. Were I to make one it might well look like an elephant had sat on it,but there’s no harm in trying to find some holly or something is there….

I bet there's a YouTube video of how to do this. So bunch is these days - worth a look? 🌹

Thank you x

Another day, another night.

I like the idea of a new decoration @OssieShowman. I also think your YouTube idea about the wreath might turn up something useful @Newestname002. May even end up showing off my creation here!

I wish there was a pill or something I could just take at night so that I’d fall asleep and not wake up until the alarm. I don’t think there’s such a thing though. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’m just letting the thoughts come and wash over me. Fighting them off doesn’t help me at all so for me and for now I think giving in is better. I’m not like this the nights I spend with Mr NM. It’s like the presence of someone right there next to me makes me feel so much more relaxed and sleepy. Being alone is just bloody shit. Shit, shit, shit. Thinking of those two together is even worse. I’m disgusted, appalled, repulsed, and kind of envious all at once. Envious that, twats though they are, they don’t sleep alone. I don’t think I’m ever going to have a day when this doesn’t enter my head at least once am I…

Maybe I need to rethink my bedtime routine but whatever I do I have to eventually turn off the light.

Moan moan moan.

I’m so sorry.

x

Hi Legs

It sounds as though you are missing NM, he calms you and you feel more relaxed and sleepy.

It does sound as though you maybe suffering wiht PTSD. It's very real after emotional trauma, maybe you should go back to the GP and discuss your insomnia and depression/anxiety.

For me a year was nothing really in the healing preocess, it took much longer for me to break the connection in my mind. It will come Legs and part of that is new memories being made such as your Christmas with a new friend.

Christmas to many women is hard bloody work, try to delegate that work, allow your children to help. I'm sure they understand you need taking care of.

What you have been through is breathtakingly hard and I honestly think you have put too much pressure on yourself to get over it. I'm telling you it happens when it happens, there is no magic day or time when you forget. But it will get easier, better, less painful, you are doing everything right, it's tiring and exhausting so please be easier on yourself.

For me fresh air helps the sleep, walking every day just does it for me.

Nothing has to be perfect.
Take care
xx

Thank you @Onthedunes.

You’re right that it all seems so tiring. And then sleep won’t come, so that makes me even more tired. I can’t win!

I kind of welcome the hard work at Christmas. It’ll take my mind off things. DDs 3 and 4 are coming on Saturday to pick out a tree. I’ll try to make sure it goes up the first weekend in December. If it were just me I wouldn’t bother at all but I’ll do it for the DC. I’m not going to spoil it for them. STBXH managed to last year, so now it’s up to me to make a fresh start on it.

I do think I’m missing Mr NM, yes. He’s asked me to stay over next Tuesday. It’s so hard isn’t it, having a new relationship at this age. Both of us have our DC, commitments around them, his work, it just goes on. I’d like to stay over more I think, but the DC come first and I’d just feel I was abandoning them if I did that. I’m also (very) wary of getting carried away and falling completely for him.

I could talk to my GP in person about the insomnia part I think, but I couldn’t talk about any kind of anxieties or anything like that. It’s just so private that I just couldn’t. Several people now have mentioned PTSD or CPTSD. I’ve read about both and I think how I feel aligns more with CPTSD. I couldn’t do any kind of talking therapy though, it’s too deep and too private. Does that even make sense…?

The only people I talk to about any of this are you lovely lovely women, and Mr NM. He is very very good at asking me questions to get me talking.

Tomorrow (today!) I have my Covid booster. I also need to take DD4 into school late as her first lesson isn’t til 1.00pm. I really want to get into the garage too. I’ve promised myself a clear out of some old decorations.

I’m sorry for all this rambling on. It helps so much to get some of it written down.

The worst part is I’m sure they sleep like babies without a single thought either about me or the DC. That still has the power to go through me like a knife. Still. After nearly a year. I suppose I just want to be properly happy again..

This whole thing has completely broken me down into tiny pieces. I feel like there’s nothing of me left right now.

x

It must be exhausting for you Legs, we all hit that wall where you think you're just going to run out of energy, I remember never being able to relax.

Trying to sort everything out, keeping my mind busy and put things in order, I don't know if you're like that but add into the mix the constant thoughts of loss and the changes in your life, it means you're running on empty.

Having a new relationship will also burn that energy up.

You must try to relax or you'll become ill, when my lovely husband decided to find a friend I had just been diagnosed with a critical illness, I think that's where I went wrong, him not getting the attention he needed, anyway thats another story but after our split I just couldn't do it.

I wasn't well enough to get going again in a possitive direction, I had to choose how to use my energy carfully.

You have to look after youself, pace yourself and not expect miracles, I understand you not wanting to talk but it could help if you've never tried it. Try a session, it can be a place to park your negative emotions at a specific time each week.

Anyway it's up to you, but you've got a lot going on and there really is no shame in asking or getting help for your mental health.

You sound tired, let someone listen to you and the trauma you have endured, yes you have been so strong but opening up especially to someone you don't know can be an enourmous relief, there are some really good councellors out there, you sound like a dam about to burst Legs.

Maybe it's time to offload.
Take care.
xx

@MoreLegsThanMe honestly this is everything coming out in the run up to Christmas, as soon as we get into/past Christmas everything will look so much happier. You have come so far, handled so much, now you are having the nightmares again because there is still a bit to process.

The thing this year which will be hard, is to embrace Christmas like an old friend. There are too many associations with it from how horribly 2 faced he was, Christmas was his biggest betrayal. But it’s not Christmas’s fault. You will have plenty of positives to enjoy. Your family being the most important. You can plan things to enjoy with nm. Yes get onto the garage, find your Christmas style as you no longer have to take anyone else’s tastes into consideration.

Remember the night is darkest just before the dawn, a new year with new friends is imminent 2022 will be the best year, we emerge from covid, you have a nm and many new freedoms to enjoy. You will see your family develop with A level choices, uni courses, so much to be proud of.