More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

Dear MoreLegs you've come such a long, long way over the last 10 months. And what a hard, weary way it's been at times. But you never, ever gave up and you never failed to put your DC first, no matter how sad or disheartened or exhausted you were.

You should be so proud of yourself. I am in awe of your courage and determination.

The DC are fine. They have you and they've always had you. While they are undoubtedly disappointed and sorry their father turned out to be such a dead loss, they've always known who they can rely on through thick and thin.

You are much, much stronger these days. Don't reproach yourself for feeling sad about the decree absolute. It's natural to feel sadness as well as relief, because it does represent the end of your marriage, and although STBXH is a louse of the first order, I have no doubt you put your heart and soul into making the marriage work.

And there's no reason you should forgive him. And every reason you should hate them. They smashed your life up without a shred of compunction. But I hope, as time goes on, you can put them to the back of your mind because such a nasty pair aren't worth the headspace. I expect they're both lying to each other already and serve them right.

Enjoy your times with Mr NM. You deserve to be treated properly. The more you mention about STBXH never taking you away or bothering with birthday or Christmas presents the more I detest him on your behalf. You are well shut of him.

Onwards and upwards, lovely.

I think @MoreLegsThanMe that situations like that - financial stuff - like his phone contract, just go to show what a twat you are now shedding from your life.
I’ve had moments (no…months!) of feeling utter rage, but normally it boils down to the sentiment above.

I’m 8 months into my NM relationship and still have the feeling that I’m not worth it… although he begs to differ. It’s a constant feeling and I’m not sure it’ll ever go! Just relax and enjoy it.

I’m amazed you’ve got this far without any counselling. You would probably benefit hugely from a few sessions with the right person. It’s helped me see through the fog, rage and pain. Most therapists will chat over the phone initially to see if you both ‘click’.

Check with your lawyer about the absolute, with regard to the timing of the settlement.

I know feelings can be mixed and painful in this situation. But practicality needs to trump feelings, I think.

If I were you I'd see my solicitor and discuss the timing as Silvery says above. There may be very sound financial reasons to forge ahead right away (before the law change) or the solicitor may tell you that you have 'room to breathe' without negative effects.

Personally, I think I've always been the type to just want things over with. I hate that 'Sword of Damocles' feeling. The guess I feel that the sooner I get something over with the sooner I can begin to truly and permanently heal.

Sometimes that anger just takes over legs, over the feelings of loss and the feelings of why.

I think it's a natural progression of seeing how much you put up with and the lack of care he showed.

You realise that's all they ever were, a selfish arse but you put up with it accepted it for the survival of the marriage.

The survival now is you, and that anger will propel you forwards to make the correct decisions, decisions that are made without feeling.

Soon you will get fed up of listing his dissapointments, it's energy you can give to something else, time will help.

You’re ex was born to disappoint women.

He just doesn’t know it quite yet.

@MoreLegsThanMe - your ex loved a lie for so long with you, and was also duplicitous with other women that he must have become so absolutely accustomed to lying that it became his Raison d’etre. To be honest, it is entirely probable that there is no true “him” to show anyway. He’s like the human equivalent of a cicada shell stuck to a tree.

Thank you x

I’ve had a rough couple of evenings/nights and I don’t know why. I’ve been thinking about late last year, and Christmas, and all the promises he made…

I’ve been worrying about how I’ll manage this Christmas, financially as well as emotionally.

So with all that swirling about it’s been hard to sleep.

What @Justilou1 says is so true (thank you). He lied so often, and for so long, that I’m not even sure there is anything of “him” left. He lied about absolutely everything didn’t he. He lied and used me and I didn’t even see it. He probably believes what he says. I just hope my FIL hasn’t been taken in.

DD4 has her dress for the dinner dance. She looks so beautiful even without hair and makeup done. Elegant and classy. She was a bit upset that STBXH neither knows nor cares about the dance or her pretty dress, but I showed the photos to Mr NM who replied that she looked lovely, and that got her back on track.

I’m worried these late-night thoughts might start to become the norm. There’s no reason particularly to have them now, and I worry what kind of state I’ll be in come Christmas if they carry on. Unless bumps in the road like this should be expected? Can you shed any light on them?

Guess I’m just back to needing that hand hold again…

x

I think that especially at this time of the year approaching the holidays can make us 'think about things'. I can't quite get the right words out. But it's like before the true 'busy-ness' of the holidays kicks in and distracts us, the memories flood back and issues we thought we'd put to bed tend to pop back up for 'second thoughts', even for those of us not going through 'situations' as you are.

So, I think it's normal you're feeling this way especially now and no, I don't think it's a 'permanent' thing. Soon there will be the excitement of the holidays and you'll be too busy to dwell on them more than they should be 'dwelled on'.

Hi @MoreLegsThanMe

Think right back to the beginning of your threads. You were in a dreadful place. We said to you then that it takes a year for recovery to properly start as you have to get through the first anniversary of everything. Birthdays have got easier for you, Christmas was always going to be the big, most difficult one, it’s the anniversary of his biggest betrayal when he came back and played happy families giving you all hope, then just pulled the rug from under you.

The best things are still ahead, once Christmas is over, and it coincides nicely with the decree absolute. You will be truly free.

In the meantime, chat to the dc. Set the expectations, let them know you can’t afford much in the way of gifts, they won’t mind. Then plan a lovely low key day with lovely food and raise a toast to your family. Then Christmas week plan walks with nm so you get out and enjoy the air, then when New Year’s Eve come along you can truly toast to new Hope knowing that probably the worst year of your life is over, you’ve survived and life will be good going forward and xh will be a distant memory.

I think you should plan some stuff that you will really enjoy. Do you have a particular Xmas film you love, somewhere you really like walking. Make a proper time and place for them in your diary. Intentionally make things different. See what the DC fancy doing, they sound like brilliant kids so I'm sure between you all you can create a new way forward for Xmas. It's a bad time of year for feeling things when you've suffered any kind of loss.
Don't be afraid to do something utterly different as well, you can always go back to a new normal next year.

You need to create new traditions @MoreLegsThanMe. Ones that maybe you always dreamed about, but Flopsydickhead poohpoohed… Maybe going on holiday? Maybe you need to redefine what IS important to you and the kids now. It won’t be big, showy presents. It will be thoughtful, loving gestures and emotional intimacy. It will be genuine care and everyone will feel heard, known and valued.

There's a hand here to hold whenever you need it 🤝

I agree about changing things and creating new traditions. Make it your children's and yours by doing what you want to do. If that means eating nothing but junk in your PJ's whilst slobbing in front of the TV then so be it!

@Billybagpuss

Hi *@MoreLegsThanMe*

Think right back to the beginning of your threads. You were in a dreadful place. We said to you then that it takes a year for recovery to properly start as you have to get through the first anniversary of everything. Birthdays have got easier for you, Christmas was always going to be the big, most difficult one, it’s the anniversary of his biggest betrayal when he came back and played happy families giving you all hope, then just pulled the rug from under you.

The best things are still ahead, once Christmas is over, and it coincides nicely with the decree absolute. You will be truly free.

In the meantime, chat to the dc. Set the expectations, let them know you can’t afford much in the way of gifts, they won’t mind. Then plan a lovely low key day with lovely food and raise a toast to your family. Then Christmas week plan walks with nm so you get out and enjoy the air, then when New Year’s Eve come along you can truly toast to new Hope knowing that probably the worst year of your life is over, you’ve survived and life will be good going forward and xh will be a distant memory.

Perfect post.

I had a few nights like yours when I was divorcing Ex (and we were still under the same roof). I labelled them "dark nights of the soul" and this somehow made me realise that that state would end, and soon. Which it always did. It's part of the process, trust your process

I think the run-up to Christmas is a time when a lot of us tend to dwell on the past more and, coupled with the fact that STBXH gave you all a truly horrible Christmas last year, it's natural to feel rather down.

And blips are part of the process of recovery. Remember, you've come back from all the previous ones and you'll come back from this one too.

I'm sure DD looked lovely in her dress. You must be so proud of her and of all your DC. What an imbecile that man is to have thrown away everything that was worthwhile in his life.

Try not to worry about having a low key Christmas. I agree with everyone that it's time to forge some new traditions. Films to watch, particular decorations to put up, baking, walks in beauty spots etc.

Don't feel bad that you can't afford much in the way of presents. Nice token gifts and a happy atmosphere are the goals to aim for. One year when we were very skint I think practically every present came from trawling charity shops and we were all just as happy with them.

Take care, lovely.

Fillet him out of your best Christmas traditions (see how little you lose when doing so) and add new ones that all of you can enjoy from this year and on. Christmas traditions are not about money.

One thing you don't have to carry with you this year is any concern about who is or is not on 'Illicit Encounters'. I'm guessing that both OW and your ex will be looking for opportunites to check each other's phones.

The light at the end of the tunnel might be on your Christmas tree this year.

I grew up with Christmas as quite anticlimatical. DM hated it - I think looking back, she hated the money stress. We never got all that much.

I've had broke Christmases myself so when DS was little I decided I was going to fill his childhood with memories that don't necessarily need money, and we've several traditions that are cheap as chips, or practically free so while he gets great presents because we can afford it, it's mainly about family time. DS is 9 and while he's looking forward to presents, he's really looking forward to us chilling out and doing stuff together.

It's your first Christmas without him. How about asking them to come up with new traditions for your family going forward? Competitive Gingerbread houses? Cooking the dinner together? Settling down for a movie marathon with a tub of roses? Do turns with elf on the shelf pranks on each other? A Boxing day walk somewhere scenic? There's loads of ways you can spend Christmas, without spending for Christmas.

Thank you all so much x

Mr NM and I were away again at the weekend. We had Friday and Saturday in a hotel in a little fishing town and stayed right on the harbour side. We decided not to go out for dinner so both nights were spent having bed picnics, followed by showers and then just lying back with wine and talking about anything. Saturday was spent exploring and walking. It was a lovely, lovely time.

All your posts about Christmas are so helpful. I like the idea of new traditions. The unit I get my tree from has just announced their opening times for this year, so I’ll go up on the 27th to pick a tree out and get it delivered ready for the first weekend in December.

@Billybagpuss you’re right about Christmas and it’s the time of year that’s worst, because it’s the time it all finally came to a head. I wonder if he’ll spend any time remembering what he has done and feeling any guilt/shame/regret. I’m guessing he won’t and that they’ll have an intimate first Christmas together in the Beautiful Home, then deigning to see her DC on Boxing Day (the ones that aren’t already living with them).

I’ve had some more disturbed nights with proper nightmares that come and go. I wake up sweating in a terrible panic. Maybe it’s just my brain finally processing all this farce. I was so content sleeping with Mr NM at the weekend. Just having him close and knowing someone was there I suppose.

DS is at the orthodontist tomorrow for the first check on his braces. Luckily his appointment is 2.45 so he doesn’t miss too much school. Fingers crossed it’s not going to be too uncomfortable for him..

Thank you so much (again) for being here for me. I look forward to my near nightly whinefest and your posts in reply. It all still keeps me going. I can’t imagine a time when it won’t.

x

You've been through so much it is small wonder you are now having nightmares. I think it's probable that your brain senses you are now strong enough to process all that's happened. It doesn't make it any pleasanter for you but it is a step forward in a way. Glad you managed to have a lovely break with Mr NM - you deserve it.

As for STBXH. I doubt he'll have much of a Christmas cramped in a flat with children who have no reason to like him. And I am sure he will feel very sorry for himself, very hard done by and never make the connection that it is all a consequence of his own actions. Stuff him.

New Christmas traditions definitely. Perhaps we could all suggest our favourites and you could adopt any you fancy?

My main one is to watch It's a Wonderful Life on Christmas Eve (or Boxing Day if I don't get time). I also try to stagger Christmas decorations, so little paper scenes, hanging birds and lanterns go up one day, a village of paper houses with cotton wool snow, bottlebrush trees and lit by LED tealights is put out another day and the Christmas trees go up last. The big tree gets decorated with the DC while listening to the BBC's radio adaptations of Sherlock Holmes and The Blue Carbuncle (the Christmas goose story) is a must!

@CatChant you for root the port, you should never watch it’s a wonderful life without a glass of port 😂

For root = forgot ffs

@Billybagpuss I will think of you sipping port next time I watch It's a Wonderful Life but I will make do with a nice cup of tea because I don't like alcohol unless it's cooked in something.

Thank you x

I like the idea of decorations going up bit by bit. Usually I just try to do everything at once but really there’s no hurry is there? I really want lights around the bay windows too. STBXH always had some sort of excuse why we couldn’t and it would make me feel smug and happy to actually get them up and prove him wrong.

He never did it out of sheer laziness I expect.

DS had his braces checked and adjusted this afternoon. They’ve changed the wire in the bottom one to a thicker kind. He has six weeks before he goes back again. It was beginning to hurt around 5.30pm and he was told to expect it to be sore for a while. If he’s out of sorts tomorrow I’ll keep him at home. All he needs to do at school is say he hurts and they’d phone me to come and get him anyway. They’re very quick to send students home. He can get some revision in or something.

I didn’t sleep too badly last night, although it took ages to drop off. @CatChant you’re right I think about my brain doing its thing. I’m starting to treat this like I did with the awful thoughts and fears of the early days - just let them come and go through me, they won’t last forever. Still horrible while they’re happening though. Mr NM is good to me through it. I’ve only had the one nightmare while I’ve been with him and he just moved over and held me. I don’t remember that but it’s how I woke up and he said I’d been tossing and turning and mumbling stuff…

I won’t get to see him for a while now. This weekend is his contact time and next weekend he is visiting with his parents. Then the weekend after he is back to contact time again. He hasn’t brought it up yet but I don’t feel ready to meet his DS anyway. I don’t know if there’s a set time to meet each other’s DC, but it doesn’t feel appropriate yet.

There’s around twenty miles between us and so if I feel extra desperate I can always ask him if he’s happy for me to come around just for the night. I have a drawer in his bedroom so all I need bring is clean knickers etc. I thought I’d be unhappy that I don’t see him very often and while I am like that a wee bit, I’m also so grateful for what we have and that he is someone interested in me and my life.

The only way is up isn’t it.

Get this first Christmas out of the way and the first anniversary of him leaving for good (January 10th) and then hopefully I’ll be able to push on.

I just hope all the DC will be okay. It’s really all I care about anyway. I’m sure they will though?

And even now, all these months later, I still think “why” and does he even realise/care what he’s done…?

x

I used to do the decorations all in one go but we now have so many of them (another tradition is to buy more decorations every year - just one bauble in skint years, rather more in affluent ones!) that it was becoming a chore. Staggering them throughout December makes it a pleasure again.

Definitely you should have lights for your bay window. Modern fairy lights are so easy to put up and much more attractive than the horrors that were around in the 1970s and that generally spent more time not working than working. When they weren't starting house fires.

My DS is due for another brace too. He's had one before but the orthodontist was waiting for his adult teeth to be through before fitting another. I remember poor DS being very embarrassed because it was quite difficult not to dribble and his speech sounded very sloshy initially. But I think it only took a few days for him to adjust to it. I hope it isn't long for your DS either.

Glad you got some sleep. Everything is so much harder when you are shattered. I am sure the nightmares will pass with time. But it is a tough thing to go through.

I think you are very sensible about not meeting Mr NM's DC yet. Taking it slowly and cautiously sounds much the best thing to do when children are involved and I think you said his DS was younger than your DC and so likely to find a parent's new partner more of a challenge to accept.

You are nearly at the end of your first year going solo and you have done so marvellously well. The only way is indeed up and you've been going that way for a long while now .

Because you are the person you are it's natural you should worry about the DC but they really will be fine. They've got you and you've always been the one who counted.

It's also normal for you to still ask yourself why STBXH did and does the things he did and does. You find it incomprehensible because never in a million years would you have inflicted such cruelty on him. But it's easy for him because he really does only think of himself. Everyone else has a walk-on part in his life. That's why he's going to end up a very lonely old man one day.

But, as I said before, stuff him. His problem, his making.