More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

Oh Legs. I’m so sorry. £30 a month is an absolute awful fucking joke. But I know it’s not about the amount of money, it’s the principle of him actually contributing something… ANYTHING to his children’s lives (apart from a sad lump of cake in the post or money stuffed in a birthday card.) I bet you didn’t hear from him about his share of uniform costs in the end?

I have to say though, Legs. His life right now is bound to be shit. He’s unemployed and will be filling his hours looking after two young needy children who aren’t his, as presumably the OW is still working.

His family won’t speak to him. His dick doesn’t work. His OW is deranged. He’s about to have one of his loneliest Christmases. Wasn’t it the festive season where he cracked last year and came scurrying home?

He’s a loser, Legs. And you? You keep winning.

You’ve won your children’s respect, you’ve won a kind new bloke, you’ve won the adoration of Mumsnet and you have won the moral high ground. X

@WizardOfAus

Oh Legs. I’m so sorry. £30 a month is an absolute awful fucking joke. But I know it’s not about the amount of money, it’s the principle of him actually contributing something… ANYTHING to his children’s lives (apart from a sad lump of cake in the post or money stuffed in a birthday card.) I bet you didn’t hear from him about his share of uniform costs in the end?

I have to say though, Legs. His life right now is bound to be shit. He’s unemployed and will be filling his hours looking after two young needy children who aren’t his, as presumably the OW is still working.

His family won’t speak to him. His dick doesn’t work. His OW is deranged. He’s about to have one of his loneliest Christmases. Wasn’t it the festive season where he cracked last year and came scurrying home?

He’s a loser, Legs. And you? You keep winning.

You’ve won your children’s respect, you’ve won a kind new bloke, you’ve won the adoration of Mumsnet and you have won the moral high ground. X

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Hold your head high morelegs, you're worth a million of him - and you've been consistent for your children.

30 quid a month is a joke, it's pitiful, between 2 of them, it doesn't even equate to what they got as pocket money for sweets when they were little. I'd be tempted to tell him to stick it.

I would also dispute the claim that two kids live with him with CMS. I bet he’s lying out of his tight little arsehole about that one. We know he’s not above doing so.

How is their “lovely house” big enough?

Assuming he's not working cash in hand or fudging on self employment earnings, how long is the OW going to be content to support him? I sure as hell wouldn't be doing with that. Not that I'd be caught dead being an OW in the first place.

He's a fucking pissant.

Hi Legs,

He is a dissapointment isn't he, do the dc know her children are with him?

One thing after another, can he never do the right thing.

Could he be on disability after the heart problems, she may be claiming as his carer.

xx

Thank you x

I can’t sleep. It’s just going round and round and round…..

@Icanflyhigh I am tempted to say forget it I honestly am. £30.00 doesn’t even cover the monthly payment for their bus passes.

@WizardOfAus no, he didn’t contribute a penny for uniform. DD4 has her dinner-dance in December and really wants to go. She of course was in the unlucky cohort who missed their GCSEs and Prom completely, so the dance means a lot to her. She’s already looking for dress ideas. He won’t contribute to that either, nor to DS’s Prom next year. You’re so right that it’s not the money, not really. It’s his complete disregard. Like they don’t even exist. It was Christmas last year when he tried so valiantly to return. I don’t know what the fuck he’ll do this year. Although of course he has his shiny new family to take care of now. Merry Christmas fuckwit.

@Justilou1 I wondered that myself. I think one of the children is a boy but not sure if the other is a brother or sister. Either way they’d have to share the second bedroom (I know that’s not unusual of course). I know she has four children so presumably one has stayed with his/her father. It does sound a bit fishy. Or maybe it doesn’t. I’m all over the place until this sinks in. If he is saving money by lying about the children it’s just another untruth to add to all the others. I can’t prove anything of course.

I’m back to the questions I asked so many times at the beginning. Why? And what the hell am I going to do….?

x

i’m back to the questions I asked so many times at the beginning. Why? And what the hell am I going to do

You’re nearly there, if this were a marathon you’ve reached the 17 - 20 mile mark where all the negative thoughts kick in.

You have come so far since the beginning, you’ve worked on the emotional, the social you have an amazing new man, he has fanny fishwife her 2 kids and no income.

All that’s left to deal with are the finances. If it were me I’d be inclined to get a clean break and split them sooner rather than later but I think you mentioned keeping the house until the dc were all 18. Either way you can apply for the absolute and sort the split later.

I’m raging on your behalf, Legs.

If it was me, I couldn’t help but send a scathing message and say the pathetic £30 a month won’t even cover the children’s bus passes. That he still owes you for 50% of uniform costs and that he will also have a bill soon for 50% of his daughters dinner dance dress.

And that you never thought he would be one of those deadbeat dads who refused to contribute to 50% of the children he helped bring into the world.

Then again, dignified silence has worked so far. It might be best just to push ahead and sort out the financial side now.

Also, great post by @Billybagpuss above.

I'm with @WizardOfAus I'd say that 30 pounds a month is an unacceptable amount and that you demand more considering he's not put anything towards the children for the last year.

Just when you think he can't fall any lower in one's estimation, and yet he still manages to plumb new depths.

I'm so sorry MoreLegs. He is a complete deadbeat. You and the DC deserved so much better from him. I cannot fathom a man who would begrudge supporting his own children but he's far from being the only one.

Well, he'll reap what he's sown in a lonely old age.

The amount of money is risible but don't let him off paying it. And I wouldn't put it past him to have lied to CMS. His track record does show a very limited acquaintance with the truth.

It proves what everyone says, MoreLegs - you have failed in nothing. You have brought up five DC to be lovely, responsible human beings, carved out a career and managed to hold your head high in the worst of times.

STBXH is a waste of space who has failed everyone in his life - a cheat, a liar, a deadbeat, a fantasist, a fake. I would say I don't know how he lives with himself if I were not sure he rewrites his entire life in his own head. Though even for him his latest stunt is going to be a stretch to put a spin on.

You're well shut of him, lovely. He wasn't worthy of your little finger. Take care.

£30 is still £360 a year, so I wouldn't let him off paying it. It is a rubbish amount however it's something, and it will be a constant reminder to him about how he has treated you and your children.

Agree with @WizardOfAus and @Sitchervice, but rather than send a scathing message and leave him thinking he still manages to get to you, I'd send a very calm, to-the-point email of what that £30 will not cover, such as the bus passes, and the events coming up such as the dinner-dance, that as their father he should be contributing to. Almost state it as if there's no doubt he will be contributing, and you're just giving him the heads up.
There's no way you should feel you have to ask him to contribute, and I wouldn't, but I'd most definitely send a detailed list of regular costs and upcoming out-of-the- ordinary costs that as their father he is responsible for.

@MoreLegsThanMe - I haven’t met either you or him or the harridan, but I hate both of them too. It’s actually very lucky for all of us that I live on the other side of the planet and am not able to intercept missiles like on NCIS. (Or have their address…) I’m sure as much as your kids think the softcock is a waste of oxygen, they don’t REALLY want him dead. I’d bloody do it, though. I’m genuinely seething with ice cold rage on your behalf. He just has to be a genuine sociopath.

Also, since he’s such a… a… suppurrating wound of a person, I think you should consider getting HMRC and CMS to investigate his financial situation - I bet he has pensions you don’t know about…. I bet this Evil Trollwoman was setting herself up for a long time, INCLUDING planning his “retirement” so that he wouldn’t have to support his kids, the soulless dementors. Even if he IS above board (highly fucking unlikely), they will have a shitful time while being investigated and that’s only fair.

@Justilou1

Also, since he’s such a… a… suppurrating wound of a person, I think you should consider getting HMRC and CMS to investigate his financial situation - I bet he has pensions you don’t know about…. I bet this Evil Trollwoman was setting herself up for a long time, INCLUDING planning his “retirement” so that he wouldn’t have to support his kids, the soulless dementors. Even if he IS above board (highly fucking unlikely), they will have a shitful time while being investigated and that’s only fair.

YES to this! ^^

Don't hate them, @MoreLegsThanMe. That takes energy which you could focus more productively by setting the likes of HMRC on him as suggested, closely followed in their wake by CMS. Also though I'm sure you don't badmouth him to the DC, don't cover for or protect him either. He doesn't deserve that consideration.

In the meantime, STRENGTH to you. You already know your future is brighter without him. 🌹

Certainly a forensic accountant for the divorce settlement...

I was going to suggest a forensic accountant too, but they are insanely expensive here in Australia. Not sure about there, but I’m not sure that it’s a viable suggestion. Worth checking out though.

Thank you x

I wanted so much to message him and let him have both barrels; to phone him, write to him, whatever. But for me, silence is best. I’ve not contacted him throughout )other than to ask for half the uniform costs) so I won’t start now. I like the idea of sending a note of regular expenses, but it wouldn’t provoke a reaction of any kind. If he is on benefits then she presumably must pay the lion’s share of everything. And clearly he’s happy to let her do that. So he’s a cocklodger too!

Forensic accountants are expensive here too. I’ve only ever come across them at work where there were massive amounts of ££ at stake, in excess of about £1,000,000.00 at least, and I know he has nothing like that.

I spoke with my FIL today. He said in passing that STBXH had told him he was looking for a job as a bus driver (!). DD4 and DS nearly fell over laughing at that one. If it happens I suppose at least my CMS payments will go up, but who knows.

@Justilou1 your offer to assassinate him is much appreciated. It’s sad to say that really, who would miss him?

I’ve spoken to Nr NM about all this. He has a DS and pays in excess of his CMS calculation. His DS comes to stay and has his own room. They speak regularly on the phone. The difference between his attitude and STBXH’s is staggering. Just staggering.

Decree Nisi was pronounced on Monday and I can apply for Decree Absolute from 1st December. Merry Christmas….

Things do seem to be going well with Mr NM. I’m under no illusions though. We are very comfortable with each other and have been from the start really. I still have some problems with sex but my nervousness has gone and it’ll just take time to relax into it completely. The most important thing is that he’s said he won’t ever lie. We’ve both been down that road before.

Despite that I do still feel very unhappy some days. It really does feel that STBXH has ruined my life. I don’t trust anyone any more, I’m cynical, I’m wary. You name it. Although I imagine sitting on his arse all day long claiming benefits is no fun, he brought it on himself so I haven’t a shred of sympathy. He’s just left a complete trail of destruction here.

Thank you all so so much for all this support. It means so much to me. It still feels that MN is keeping me going. I didn’t think I’d still feel like this so far along from the start…maybe I need to harden up.

x

Just remember that you have been through a hell of a lot. You made the decision to stay with DH after finding out that he had cheated and you have doubts about whether you can trust your own judgement. This is why I think you need counselling. You are rightly furious with The Hardwhitepavementdogturd. But he didn’t ruin your life. Your life was a facade. You need to acknowledge that and deal with it. Until you REALLY deal with it, you will still be emotionally involved with HIM and THEM (despite your dignified silence) and that’s not fair to you or NM.

As for Crumblydogturd claiming benefits… He would feel entitled. He sponged off you for years. He evaded all responsibility to family, so it makes sense that social responsibility wouldn’t apply either. He is lazy… in all areas.

Don't go to absolute until there is an agreed settlement.

I am also going to vote for you to dispute it. Don’t let him off easy. Her ex husband or maybe still husband might be paying for his own children.

I’m pissed off for you about it. Please always keep on top of him for anything and everything he has financially.

Wow though, he has fallen far lower and faster than I would have ever predicted. The thing is it’s going to take a little time for him to REALIZE what a joke his life has become. Once it hits him… he will crumble.

He doesn’t have the backbone to be a bus driver. He doesn’t have the stones to do what they do.

Christmas will be hell for him. The memories and the reality of how things have changed for the worse… if he were a human I would almost feel sorry for him.

You have your children and self respect. You have a better standing in society. You’re the one who will be sent cards and invited to parties. He won’t. Oh, and nobody is going to want her near their husbands either. She’s probably already on the hunt for a better man than this dud.

Yes, definitely make him accountable for his share. Just do it matter of factly rather than emotionally.
Don't let him get away with it