More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

Oh, and don’t warn him. Just bloody do it. If you warn him, he and Notrestingbitchface will send money off-shore, bury it in the garden, do what they can.

Thank you x

I think @Justilou1has it. My whole life, thirty-eight years, has proved to be a sham. I think I’ve come to terms with that now. There’s no other way to look at it. I just can’t fathom how one man could do that. To know everything is a lie, that every time he opened his mouth he was lying and yet still he did it, year after year after year. I was married at twenty. For all I know there could have been other women right from the start.

I think I’ve come (or at least I am coming) to terms with it all now. I don’t really have much choice. But it is very, very hard.

I’ve been completely honest with Mr NM. I didn’t expect to meet anybody at all ever again and he is a kind sweet man. He’s been quite shocked at where I’ve found myself at this age. I’m content that I have him nearby. I do feel that I don’t deserve him though, and I can’t explain why?

STBXH isn’t even bothering with messaging the DC. They haven’t heard from him for a while. Even when he does communicate he says things like “I hope you’re fit and well”. He doesn’t even know how to talk to them properly. I think I mentioned upthread that he’d put a handwritten letter into DD4’s birthday card. It was binned unread by her. He hasn’t even the balls to phone and try and speak to them does he. It’s because he knows the reception he’d get. He’s such a coward.

DD4 and DS will be spending half-term studying, DD4 preparing her personal statement then revising, and DS revising for his mock exams. All this stuff happening and STBXH has no idea. And no interest probably, now that he has her children living with him.

I’m so sorry. Reading this back I realise that all I’ve done is whine and moan. Sometimes I feel like I’m entitled to do that, self-pitying as it seems.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be in better form. Fingers crossed. Smile and all that…

Sorry again.

x

Hi @MoreLegsThanMe. Long time lurker.
I wanted to say you’re doing so well and you’re beacon of hope and inspiration to myself and women everywhere.
Do you mind me asking if there was a big age gap between you and STBXH?

You haven’t complained too much at all. You have such a kind heart.

I was seething all day about how he is acting. I am not going to even share all my thoughts because they are super mean. I can’t believe I’m mad on the Internet, but this guy got me. Ugh!

He’s a total coward. He has always been. You’ve been the champion and backbone this entire time. You will get through this painful time in much better shape.

Lame about not contacting the kids though. I guess he is licking his wounds about being ignored by them and so is trying to play happy family.

Once he hears about events and things he isn’t invited to…, once he learns important things about you and the children from other people and looks the fool for not knowing… he will be a very sad sack of man tears then.

Moan away Legs, it takes a long time to get a git like that out of your system.

I know myself I would re run events in my long marriage and question what was real and what possibly wasn't.
Did I ever really know him?

It's bloody odd isn't it when you thought you knew someone inside out, it felt like a grande deception to me. It will ease, that re running of your life and it will become easier as time goes on.

It's just a matter of time, you are just trying to find explanations for it all and reasons, sometimes there are no reasonable explanations, that's the hard part, it makes no sense.

All you should know is that you are in no way at fault, it is his failure.

xx

It hasn't worked out quite as he planned has it? Not quite the exciting life with his young lover in their cosy love-nest.

On benefits, looking after young children, somebody else's children, his 'problem' can't be adding much romance to the relationship, his own children won't have anything to do with him and his family not much more. Its all a bit pathetic isn't it.
And it will only get worse - once grandchildren come along - he has no idea how much he will miss out on here. It is the greatest feeling being a grandparent.

You Legs, have your children, the prospect of lovely relationships with future grandchildren, friends, respect and self-respect.

He's living to rue the day and it's all of his own making. What a sad-sap he is. You are well rid.

My whole life, thirty-eight years, has proved to be a sham please dont be so hard on yourself and be thinking this. You built your life, and brought up your children, around what you believed to be true so it wasn't a sham at all.

He should feel this way but not you (and even then, dont torture yourself that he was lying throughout, perhaps this was his later years mid-life crisis thing - I can't really believe he sat there plotting for years how great it would be end up living the life he currently is).

Your life has NOT been a sham.

You've lived your life in honesty and good faith and that's no sham! HIS life has been a sham because HE's lived it in dishonesty and deceitfulness.

You'll get through your current 'Slough of Despair'. Give yourself time and soon you'll see that you have no reason to feel personally 'bad' about the life you've lived.

You have reason to be furious. You have reason to rail and shake your fist. We are hear you listen. We are not going to let you collapse and give up. He was a horrible, horrible man. I think between the two of you, you both created a mythical person who never existed. You because you were young and had a hero in mind, and he probably cheated at the beginning - while still young and felt bad. It sounds very much like he never, ever grew up - or ever had to. Was he ever held accountable for his actions or were HIS feelings protected from YOUR reactions?

You’re not moaning at all Legs, we’re here to cheerlead for you, offer a shoulder to cry on and provide an alibi that you were nowhere near where Mr Blow Up Cock was murdered and buried under a patio… It might not feel like it, but honestly, you have come so far and supported your children amazingly. I’m in awe of you.

I agree with @Twitchynose ! (Also thanks for the laugh)

I personally admire you. I admire your honesty and openness here, it will likely help others. I admire the way you are carrying yourself.

Honestly when I imagine everyone in my mind I see him as trailer trash in a broken recliner with children he hates running around. “You’re Not MY DAD!” They will scream. The OW yelling at him that he is a piece of crap and that she wished she never met him. That her friend Jane’s man at least doesn’t totter around like an old man. He reaches for the phone, but there are no messages for him. He realizes he has no one to call. This is his life now.

You, I imagine at Christmas (seems like the UK is really into Christmas am I right?) where you are warm and the lights are on the tree sparkling. The sound of Christmas music and the titters of conversation because everyone who matters is with you. Strangely, you are surprised that not only was he never brought up, but that none of you thought of him at all…

So safe to say you come off as a very lovely woman!

Thank you x

@PorpoiseWithPurpose there are three years between STBXH and I. He is now sixty, the OW is thirty-six, the same age as my eldest DD. That part of the whole situation still makes me feel sick.

@Twitchynose an alibi! How perfect!

@JustKittenAround I always liked Christmas. I went overboard with decorations and trees and so on, I think because growing up my parents didn’t really like them. This year, I don’t know. I don’t want to do anything. But I know I have to for the DC. I just don’t want even to think about it because inevitably I’ll start thinking of Christmas past and how happy I felt. I imagine his Christmas might be spent regretting what he’s done, but it’s what he chose.

Mr NM is taking me away next weekend. He won’t say where, other than that the scenery is going to be gorgeous. I can’t believe he would do this for me. I have ventured further afield and done more with him in the short while I’ve known him than I did in the whole thirty-eight years I was with STBXH. It feels like he actually thinks I’m worth this. I never ever went away anywhere with STBXH. He wouldn’t have even entertained the idea.

Mr NM is also happy to meet the DC. I’m not sure yet, and I haven’t met his DS. I think maybe it’s too soon? I guess we just have to time these meetings properly. This is all so new to me.

I’d love to message STBXH and tell him I’ve met someone. I can imagine his reaction - shock, disbelief, “Legs wouldn’t do that to me”. Maybe even a little jealousy..it would kill him to think I’m happy, that I have the DC’s support, and that I’m moving on, at long last.

I do feel as though I am starting to move on you know. Very slowly, almost imperceptibly, but I am. I do still think of them, probably more than I should and is good for me, but it doesn’t come with that horrible sense of loss and terror I felt in the early days. Reading my first thread I can almost feel that fear in my words.

I’m still going to lean very heavily on you wonderful strong women. I keep saying this (because it’s true), that I wouldn’t have got through it without you. You have quite honestly been my collective rock since January. I will never be able to say thank you enough….

x

Awwww crap sorry to bring it up. I meant more in the future. But yeah sorry about that.

I’m not sentimental about Christmas, my sister is. I didn’t think of memories as such… maybe because mine are filled boring conversation and not very good food that to have to compliment as if my life depended on it.

Hi legs How old is Nm ds?

The great thing about moving on now is your dc are mostly adults or getting there in the case of your Ds. You don’t have the same worries that you would with a younger teenager. Obviously you want your dc to like him, and they want you to be safe and happy. But beyond that, you don’t need to overthink when to introduce the dc. It’s when you’re ready as it does maybe make it a bit more official.

Dear MoreLegs you have moved on so very far in this last year. You have courage, integrity and determination in spades. You were always going to rebuild your life and ensure your DC were protected from the fall-out.

And STBXH was always going to think only of himself and make a mess of everything. He's backed himself into a corner now and what a corner it is. I do hope the realisation there is no way back from what he's done is haunting him.

I am glad things are going well with Mr NM and you are wise to take things slowly. There's no rush and no need to introduce him to the DC until you are sure you are a couple rather than just dating. But it's lovely news that he's making you happy. And of course you are worth it.

Hi Legs,

You are in a much better possition than your husband for your friendship to flourish without any pressure of being forced together.

You can go at your own pace and there is no expectation that it has to work out, unlike your ex, he has thrown much away and needs this to work, thats' a hell of a lot of pressure.

Take your time build your friendship up, have some nice times and stop worrying about the future.
Live for the day, one that doesn't include screaming young kids, honestly I couldn't think of anything worse, grandchildren yes, but full time, God no.

It's a case of act in haste, repent at leisure.
What an oustanding fool.

Take care, enjoy your trip.
x

@MoreLegsThanMeDarling, my post wasn’t intended to make you feel worse. I wanted to point out that 20 year olds are not able to foresee anything but lovely rosy bubbles when in love, and that your STXDH probably saw you as a prize. A beautiful, innocent flower that he needed to pluck before someone else did. He also needed to perform the role of the “Ideal Lover” you wanted him to be, or you wouldn’t have been interested. I think that a lot of men are able to cheat after having already been taken back and forgiven by their spouse because the spouse is expected to protect his reputation and suffer in silence - no support system) expected to carry on with life as though nothing ever happened. There is no judgement from family and friends to make HIM carry the burden of shame for his behaviour, so as with the rest of the emotional load in the marriage, the wife takes that on board too. This also allows men the freedom to successfully live two separate lives. If they are forced to suffer the consequences of their actions, and see and feel (and even better, hear!) the judgements of their family and friends, then they would never do this again.
The saddest part of my theory (which I am beginning to see in other areas) is that once again, it is the feelings and judgements of others that matter more to him than those of his spouse. His response to the reactions of people outside of his marriage force/enable him to realize that his wife is an entirely separate person to him, with her own feelings, desires, needs, goals, hopes and is valuable without him.

Thank you x

@Billybagpuss Mr NM’s DS is fourteen. A year younger than my DS. I’m not sure if I’ve been mentioned to him, but I’m happy either way. It’s really still early days as far as a “relationship” goes. I’ve only got STBXH to use as a comparison. There is no comparison! Mr NM is a thoroughly decent man. STBXH, well…….isn’t.

I’m trying to explain how I feel right now but I don’t feel very articulate. I’ve lost the fear and the upset for sure. I never thought I would. I do think about them, but if anything it’s with a bit of pity. He’s really stuck now. Even if he wanted to he couldn’t leave. No job. No money. Five DC and four DGC. None of whom have any contact with him. Yes, I do pity him. He has nothing.

Christmas will be very, very hard. But I know I’ll get through it. I’ll have the DC with me and Mr NM in the picture too. I’m going to get through the rest of this year.

I forgave him when he had the affair fifteen years ago. I did it because I felt if I didn’t it would just eat me away. But this time I don’t think I can. Is that an unhealthy way to look at it?

x

No @Legs, it sounds like a boundary. You were prepared to forgive one transgression, and he could have taken a lesson from that and changed his behaviour for the better but he didn’t. You don’t have to forgive him again just because you did the first time, and forgiving once wasn’t wrong either, you made what you thought was the best decision at the time for you and the DC.

I hope that this Christmas is one of the best ever Legs - it still could be. You'll have all the things that were important in your old life and possibly fun with NM so the promise of happy times ahead too.

The old sack of coal can't make you unhappy any more - unless you let him.

@Wildheartsease

I think you're attaching too much value to limp biscuit, sacks of coal are quite dear.

Hope you're ok Legs.
I think this Christmas is going to be ok.

xx

Have been reading on and off and just wanted to say how far you have come on less than a year.
My DDay was January 2019 and I am still struggling. I guess because no planning for divorce has taken place ( not in UK ) which leaves me unable to move on.
It is a mess financially as he has not had a job since Covid and at 59 and washed up career wise , unlikely to get one anytime soon .
But I like your style and the dignity in which you are handling all this whilst supporting your DCs and even feeling OK enough to have a nice man as a companion.
Glad things are slowly improving for you as I remember feeling so bad for you in those first few posts as I could recognise your pain.
MN was a huge help to me too and I am glad you are also finding support here.

Thank you x

@Stillfunny the support I’ve had has saved my sanity. I had some very very bleak days at the beginning to the point where I was suicidal I’m ashamed to say. MN has made me feel that I still have some worth and my life isn’t over. I’m so touched that complete strangers have taken the time to care about me. I’m not used to that and I still feel a bit overwhelmed by it.

It’s been very hard to have virtually no RL support. I don’t have anyone other than the DC, none of whom I’d burden with my feelings, and of course now Mr NM, who knows a lot of stuff and is good at asking searching questions. But again I don’t want to spoil our time together endlessly banging on about the last year…

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up in this position at my age. Never dreamt even for a second that he’d abandon his children. I hope I’ve dealt with it all the best way possible. I’ve shielded all the DC from my own…despair I suppose, and their lives have zipped along. I see no sense of unhappiness in any of them. Part of me wishes they would have some sort of contact with him, but I’ve accepted that at their ages this would be their decision to make, not move to impose. I’m thankful for that. I admire anyone who has been here and got through it with younger children. I couldn’t.

Im trying to decide how to title my next thread - there is definitely light at the end of that tunnel now…something upbeat I think.

x

*not mine to impose!

Dear MoreLegs you have plenty of worth and your life is very, very far from over. I think you have a lot of happiness ahead of you without this selfish simpleton to carry.

As for not forgiving him, why on earth should you? He's done nothing that would merit forgiveness from you. He's behaved abominably in every respect. The very, very least he should have done was ensure his DC were provided for financially but he wouldn't even do that. What a piece of work.

Onwards and upwards my lovely. You've done marvellously.