More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

I agree with pps. He can't engage properly with his children because they would, undoubtedly, call him out on his desertion of them and you, because that is what he did, he deserted his own children.
He has proven himself to be a coward and this is just another example of it.
I wonder what he would do if one of them did agree to see him.?

This way he can write all the b**cks he wants, safe in the knowledge that, because they do not want to see him, he won't be called out on it.
I have followed you since the start and am in awe of your strength and delighted that life is beginning to treat you better. 💐

You can throw out words written on cards… You can’t throw out history and experience. It’s so lovely to hear you sounding so happy and excited!

@MoreLegsThanMe

I’m applying for Decree Nisi tomorrow then will sort finances between then and the Absolute.

Well done - another step forward. As you progress each step will feel easier. This is a great achievement, OP. Look back at your earlier posts.

A hug for you and your wonderful children - and well done DD4 for giving his birthday missive the attention it deserves. 🌹

WayHaaaaayyyy @MoreLegsThanMe!!

So, so glad your date was a massive success… my new chap leaves me open mouthed in astonishment at his kindness, consideration and general respect sometimes…

They are out there. Enjoy the attention!

So pleased your date was successful legs, you deserve a lovely time.

It's so lovely to hear you had a nice time More Legs. You deserve to be happy after all you've endured so stoically this year. So do your DC.

As for STBXH he's a fool and a coward. He's not trying because he's not confident of his ability to persuade the DC that he hasn't behaved appallingly badly. Well, he'll reap what he's sowed.

You, however, are a wonderful, brave and intelligent woman. Your DC are very lucky to have you.

Great update @MoreLegsThanMe. So pleased for you.

Did STBXH end up responding to any of the messages about paying half of the uniform costs? Or did he just ignore that entirely?

What a lovely update OP. I followed your journey in past guises and felt so sorry for the raw pain you experienced, especially in the early weeks. I was tempted to post at the time about it being a necessary albeit very painful journey and that you would emerge at the other end of it stronger and with a very bright new future. I decided not to, as it would not have really brought you any consolation at the time and might have come across as patronising. I went through it myself and so have a number of my dear friends. It’s like being consumed by some terrible virus that burns you from inside and making you ache beyond any previously experienced pain. However, once you have ‘sweated’ out all of that horrible ‘gunk’, that’s it, you are completely clear and rid of all of the toxic shite and you suddenly have clarity that the person isn’t worth any of that agony. Once you exorcised all of the demons, you tend to end up feeling at most disdain and even disgust at the ex. It would not surprise me that at some stage, it will all come crashing down for your ex and he will arrogantly assume that you might take him back. Guys like that don’t process the end of relationships, as they just move on, so when the shit hits the fan, they haven’t got the resilience to cope. In some ways, that horrible time will have inoculated you if he wants to come back.

What a good post @BudrosBudrosGalli, good analogy.

Yes if only there was a vaccine women could take when they first meet these virulent bastards.

I hope you're ok today Legs.

Thank you x

@Billybagpuss he sent DD4 £20.00..

@WizardOfAus no, no mention of the uniform.

@BudrosBudrosGalli the virus analogy is it, spot on. It always amazes me how so many posts seem to encapsulate everything I’m feeling.

Today I did what I’ve all along said I didn’t want to do, and have applied to the Child Maintenance Service. Yesterday I had a call from the mortgage company letting me know this month’s payment had been cancelled. The practice always was that I paid my half of the payment to him, then the DD came out of his account. I was so scared. I rang him, texted, emailed and WA’d.

He eventually responded around yesterday evening. He said he isn’t working and can’t afford to make any further contributions to the mortgage or Council Tax. He is, however, waiting a start date for a new job and will then start paying maintenance.

I don’t even believe there is a job, or a start date. I can make the payments alone, cutting down where I have to, but it’s the final fuck you, isn’t it. He’s completely cut everyone off. He doesn’t even know or care if I can manage, but this is his children’s home. The CMS application hopefully will make him pay.

I’m growing to hate this man. I feel so much disgust. He’s shown himself to be completely amoral, hasn’t he. Lord only knows what is happening in the Beautiful Home if he’s not contributing - unless of course what he paid towards the house will now go into their pot instead.

He said he had to message me because I wouldn’t “engage” with him. Presumably he means I didn’t want him to come to the house that couple of weeks ago.

The outstanding mortgage payment was paid today by card - they obviously couldn’t tell me whose, but I’d not be a bit surprised if he used hers.

I keep thinking I’m getting better and then things come out of the blue like this to tell me I’m actually not!

I’m seeing lovely Mr New Man again. He’s a bit of a light at the end of a tunnel.

Sorry for this rant. I just keep thinking it’s nearly over and I can move on, and then…..

x

@MoreLegsThanMe, YOU are getting better. Look at all you have and what he has. I reckon he retreats from you all because of acknowledged or (more than likely) unacknowledged shame. As you've said before he thought everyone would chase him, but they haven't. His ego has taken an absolute battering on some level. All of his own doing of course. And you and your lovely kids certainly did not deserve it.

You've said before it must be hard for him to look in the mirror, I bet he doesn’t - who could bear that reflection. You, however, have the love and respect of your kids. The ability (and will) to keep a roof over their heads. An interesting new friendship that doesn't rip other people's lives apart!

YOU, lovely lady, are doing well. He just keeps on hurling new obstacles your way and you are ably dealing with them. You have my full admiration.

Oh what an utter deadbeat he is. No wonder you're growing to hate him. He has fallen woefully short on all fronts. Away from you he can't even manage the pretence of being a decent human being. It shows how much you must have propped him up all those years.

Well done on the CMS application MoreLegs, and you are getting stronger with every day. Whatever stunt he's pulled you've always come back fighting for your family. You're a tigress.

Take care, lovely. You're amazing.

It's always something, isn't it? Just when you think they've reached the dizzy heights of assholery, they find a higher mountain.

I doubt he isn't working. She's probably just nagged him to stop paying because 'more money for us, darling'.

Just keep proceeding with the CMS application and get your divorce papers in. Inaction does nothing for you, but everything for him.

Long time lurker here.

He is clearly trying to push your buttons. He's angry that you and the kids want nothing to do with him. In his mind he probably thought at worst he'd have a bumpy ride for a few weeks and that you'd soften. I suspect your strength and their refusals have taken him by surprise and probably have humiliated him. His comment about not engaging confirms this petulance at the situation.

Best thing now is to get a financial order done and dusted so he can't throw anymore rocks in your pool. Going to the CMS was a great move.

Brace yourself that he's now going to get nasty, but comfort yourself that it's only for a short while and then he's out of your life for good.

I’m so proud of you. Your dignity is stellar.

He's horrible. True colours.

So glad you are taking these steps.
Can he even refuse to contribute to the mortgage for his children's home? What's going to happen to the equity in the house if he stops paying the mortgage? Is he able to force a sale, or force you to buy him out?

You are doing great Legs. I don't blame you for starting to hate him, I would too.

I think you are doing fantastically well. He keeps on throwing curved balls at you and you keep dealing with each one with dignity, which I bet is driving him mad.

I suppose it does explain why he's ignoring your request for uniform costs. Something tells me that all is not well in Beautiful Home. If I were a betting person I would bet he will try to crawl back to you before Christmas is done with.

I imagine he may be forced to sell his beautiful home/car/expensive crap he has bought to impress his lahdidah

So presumably he returned your half of the mortgage money then?

Thank you x

Yes the mortgage was paid using my half share. That’s it now though. No more contributions. It’s like he’s totally erased us all from his life. I’m sure as @TokyoTammy says, he thought after a few weeks he’d be back to seeing the DC and that I’d have returned to my usual meek people-pleading self. I can’t do that any more though.

I’m not sure if I mentioned but DD3 has found a house of her own and moves out in about two weeks. I’m so happy for her, she’s spent enough time here with her useless old mother! It is a reminder though that it won’t be long before DD4 and DS will be gone too. Being completely alone will be the hardest thing ever I think.

I still think sometimes of them together and it upsets me so that he has someone at night. Apart from you lovely lovely women I have nobody. I can’t tell the DC how I’m feeling because I’m keeping it going for them.

When I was with Mr New Man he didn’t push for sex at all. He knows about STBXH and his pop-up dick, and he knows how long it’s been for me since I’d had any kind of sex at all.

He held me all night though. Even when I woke up a couple of times he was still there. I just wish he was here now.

I guess it’s just the money situation that has me so low at the moment. There surely can’t be any more that he can do to me now, is there? Hasn’t he done everything awful someone can do?

Help me, please?

x

Ah dear, dear More Legs he is a horrible, selfish man but his power to hurt you is steadily waning. As you say, what more can he do? His meanness is distressing, but as you can pay the mortgage by yourself if need be, the roof over your and the DC's heads is safe.

The security of the roof over his head is another matter...but that's his problem.

You'll be fine, lovely. You really will be. You've come back with dignity and integrity from everything he's dumped on you and he's behaved like a first class louse from start to finish.

I think you were the best thing he ever had in his life and he was too self-absorbed and stupid to see it. And, it goes without saying, he didn't deserve to have someone like you. You, however, deserve infinitely better.

You can do this, More Legs. You've proved over and over again that you can.

I hope you can get some rest. Things will look better in the morning. Take care, lovely.

I think the bit that shows the least respect here is that he didn’t have the courage or courtesy to discuss the payment with you first. Ok you have refused to meet him face to face which I guess is what he wanted to talk to you about, but you have always been willing to discuss practicalities via message etc. just not act as his go between to the dc.

There are many positives to this though legs. You will get things on a more formal setting, you will begin to disentangle finances from him. In the end this gives you more independence from him allowing you the freedom to grow.

Your weekend with lovely new man sounds so nice. When are you seeing him again?

Legs you have fallen many times but come back fighting since this episode started. Give yourself a massive pat on the back.

Don't put yourself down, you come over as a caring, sincere mum who helps your kids as much as you can. Congratulations to your DD who moves out soon 🌻

Onwards and upwards lovely lady 🌸

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in all areas. I think once you realize what that utter gnome deprived you from you will be a seething mountain of rage. Your spine will be iron hard and you will hit him with all guns blazing. Also every “prove it!” You can come up with!

There surely can’t be any more that he can do to me now, is there? Hasn’t he done everything awful someone can do?

Assholes can always rise to new levels of assholery, unfortunately. So no, he probably hasn't done 'everything'.

But what will happen is that you will gain in strength and wisdom and what seems unendurable now will become a 'mere irritation' and then eventually it will become a matter of wry humour with you and your friends. He will eventually become as an annoying insect. He'll buzz around your head and annoy you, but eventually you'll just swat him away.