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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

999 replies

MoreLegsThanMe · 25/05/2021 22:41

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

OP posts:

Justilou1 · 25/08/2021 12:17

I’m guessing she’s pushing for marriage

completelybanjaxed · 25/08/2021 17:52

I'd never want to see his face again either, unless it was his picture on a large dartboard and I had a million darts.

I've no idea with timezones, are you home now, did he come, are you sat there anxious??

If so please don't be anxious. Go about your business. Don't feel you need open the door or speak to him if he shows up. You don't have to see him - you certainly don't owe it to him! If he has the brass neck to turn up, turn on the tv loud, go to your room and jump on here. Someone will be around to give you support.

Hang in there lovely x

whatausername · 25/08/2021 17:56

Grey rock.

Head up, heart strong!

Onthedunes · 25/08/2021 22:36

Hi Legs,

I wouldn't trust him, any apology would be meaningless and I should imagine is a tactic for buttering you up for a financial hit.

Keep him away.

No need for any explanations, he deserves nothing.
Just a polite request for uniform money.
Remember he's a stranger, no wonder you don't want him round, he's trying to break that barrier, but for what?

MrsPerfect12 · 25/08/2021 22:42

I hope he didn't turn up today and that you didn't spend the day on edge.

Icanflyhigh · 25/08/2021 23:19

I hope you're ok legs, whether he turned up or not, I understand exact6 where you're coming from not wanting to see him xx

BudrosBudrosGalli · 26/08/2021 02:45

If he has the audacity to still turn up, you just don't answer the door or the phone.

Justilou1 · 26/08/2021 04:59

Please tell us he didn’t show.

WizardOfAus · 26/08/2021 09:22

Hope you’re okay, Legs. 🌈

RandomMess · 26/08/2021 21:26

Hope you are ok

Original poster

MoreLegsThanMe · 26/08/2021 22:35

Thank you x

You’re right. He didn’t show up. I spent the day in a complete fluster just waiting for the knock at the door.

He probably waited for her to come back from work before launching into a “she said I wasn’t to come” diatribe against me. Poor little him.

No word about sharing the uniform costs.

Why was I so scared he might come? I thought I’d be furious and shout and swear when I saw him. I never thought I’d just feel fear. My heart was pounding all day and I kept the doors locked. I didn’t relax until I knew it was late enough for him not to appear.

But today I’ve been fine. He really is less and less in my head when he doesn’t contact me. It’s like he’s fading off into the background.

Not sure what the next stage is. I’ve had the shock and disbelief and general upset, had the anger, and am now starting to feel more myself again. As long as he just leaves us alone.

He chose this didn’t he? It was what he wanted and he’s got it. Why complain now?

OP posts:

doitwithlove · 26/08/2021 23:12

Well done @MoreLegsThanMe, you got through the day 👋🏼

He is an absolute twunt, playing the victim card now 🙄

Onthedunes · 27/08/2021 00:16

Hope you feel better now Legs.

Yes I think he's trying to intimidate you, probably due to finances.

Your reactions show you were in fight or flight response.
xx

completelybanjaxed · 27/08/2021 03:04

That's a pure adrenaline response - fight or flight - as someone said. You must feel exhausted.

Regrettably, as I know you are emotionally spent, it might be time for you to consider getting a solicitor, if you can afford to, to proactively and objectively progress a financial settlement. Now he's started talking about money he might not stop. He's not paid half the uniform costs despite your request. A decent person would have done this. Do it for your kids - to make sure they get everything they are entitled to. Money coming out of your pocket will not end up in theirs, whether that be now or in the future. Don't be kind about it. Get everything you legally can. I know you are a solicitor but I honestly feel it's not in your best interests to be a direct part of the process.

Saying the above as a suggestion obviously, without knowing all your financial circumstances or the law. I know this must be a nightmare. Do consider it though. I know you will always make the right choices.

Don't respond to his texts. It will encourage him.

Feel for you lady. Xx

Sitchervice · 30/08/2021 17:06

Hope you are doing well op

Beautifulbutterfly22 · 30/08/2021 17:50

Another one here hoping you are keeping well Legs x💐💐🌻

fliss444 · 31/08/2021 14:21

Hope all is well x

Original poster

MoreLegsThanMe · 31/08/2021 22:45

Thank you x

My walk in the park date on Saturday ended yesterday morning. I had the best time. It was good to just talk and be listened to. I never thought I’d be the person who did something like that but I don’t have any guilt or shame, I just feel fantastic!!!

Yesterday was also DD4’s birthday. He didn’t even send her a message. There was a really obviously cheap card he’d picked up in a garage or something. I felt so awful for her. Like I’d failed in my choice of father for her. Inside the card was a two-page “letter” from him. She threw the whole lot away without looking at it. I admit I really wanted to read it but I didn’t. It went straight in the bin and yesterday was bin day anyway, so it’s gone.

She started her job in the well-known northern bakery chain last Saturday. So she has that and her volunteering. So much happening for her and he knows nothing of it.

DS went to the orthodontist today and he is having his braces fitted on 28th September. Again, all this happening and his own bloody father doesn’t even know.

I’m applying for Decree Nisi tomorrow then will sort finances between then and the Absolute.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come since 10th January. And I’ve met someone lovely. I’m not stupid - it might not work out - but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.

But at the back of my mind there’s always that thought of him ignoring his children, and it just won’t go away…

Can anyone tell me why he’s still not even trying??

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/08/2021 22:53

He isn't bothering with his DC because he is too busy prioritising his dick and investing in his self belief rather he's the victim in some tragedy.

He can't face accepting responsibility for his decisions and actions.

Pashazade · 31/08/2021 22:58

I think the problem is if he properly engaged with his children he would have to hear their opinion of him and given it would be a very negative response he doesn't have the guts to face up to them. He can't rewrite his relationship with them (in his head) in the same way he can rewrite the relationship he had with you. There is nothing to hide behind, his behaviour to them can't be defended as it was spectacularly selfish. So he hides by not engaging.

WhitePhantom · 31/08/2021 23:16

Lovely to hear your update, and I love that your Saturday date didn't end until Monday morning!

He's missing out on so much, isn't he? Knowing all the little (and big!) things that are going on in his kids' lives - imagine missing all of that?!

fliss444 · 31/08/2021 23:26

Glad to hear your life is better than it was all those months ago.
I think he doesn't communicate with his children as he will have to address his conscience and cope with the shame and guilt of what he has done.
Pathetic and sad.
It's easier to write and believe his own warped version of reality.
You are doing great and following the right path. x

notapizzaeater · 31/08/2021 23:37

I agree if he pursues the children he will have to admit what a dick - he's been this way he can whine I tried !

Onthedunes · 01/09/2021 01:09

Where to start Legs....

The children are adults and young adults they are more mature than him. He probably doesn't want them looking at him with disgust, because that's what they will think.

You can't play disney dad with adults, with minds of their own, I'm sure at some point he will try to influence them and try to get them to see his point of view, but he clearly thinks it's too early, maybe that time will never come.

It's just another part of the disappointment you have been left with. I mean seriously what could he talk to them about, how he's been an utter fool and made himself look rediculous, they have no respect for him.

Don't wish for him to try, it must be painful and embarrasing for the kids to be in his company. They know the reasons, they know the woman, they must be mortified.

I'm pleased your friendship is developing, this will help your confidence no end.
You deserve some happiness, I bet now you're not sleeping with exitement now instead of heartbreak.

Billybagpuss · 01/09/2021 06:38

Was there not even a gift in the card, I’m sure you said DS got a wad of cash for his?

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