More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

Agree. Or start with “Great.” And continue with the reminder of uniform costs.

Yeah reply with a thumbs up 👍

You’re going to bounce back much quicker from this, when you really process it it might even make you laugh. He’s given up his life with you for superficial fun with fanny fishwife. This is the first and only indication he’s ever given (and probably will ever give, do you think he’d been drinking) that he’s been a grade A twat.

You know their life isn’t as rosy as he paints. A friend of mine went through what we now refer to as his twatty period, it was obvious he regretted it quite early on, only in the last week (almost 16 years on) he admitted to me that it was like he was going down a rabbit hole, he knew what he was doing was stupid, but couldn’t stop doing it. When he left arseface he very quickly resorted to the man we knew, he is always friendly and respectful to wife no 1 but to arseface there is a definite indifference. He feels nothing for her and only ever refers to her as DS mother.

Your quiet dignity is starting to pay dividends.

Do something fun today, maybe think about some autumn planting for your window boxes.

Just ignore it OP. He's having a pity party, the problem is he's still not considering your feelings in all this, if he did he'd realise how hurtful these messages are to you.

Chase up the uniform coats in a few days. But unless his messages contain a question about the dc you've no reason to respond

Definitely isn't cosy in their camp!!

@BudrosBudrosGalli

I would respond something like "Just to remind you to pay your share of the uniforms and other costs for your children. That would make a small start on being a proper parent."

And this

I’d just keep it REALLY business like and use the first sentence.

Don’t engage in any of the ‘Woe is me’ shenanigans. Just don’t. It’ll achieve very little other than to churn up your emotions, and leave you in a worse place.

(I know… I have the t shirt !)

You’re doing brilliantly Legs… 💐💐💐

I bloody hate this show, except for this one thing. Seems to apply here.

Or maybe this one.

Oh MoreLegs, how much more self-centred could he get? He has no right to be sending you and the DC his self-pitying rambles churning up all the pain he's caused this year.

If the glitter's wearing off his new life he has only himself to blame. You and the DC have no responsibilities towards him, and you have no obligation to help him rebuild his relationships with the children he has treated so shabbily.

Don't engage with this farrago of self-pity. Be polite but business-like and do ask for his share of the uniform costs. It's the very least he should do.

He is not worth your little finger and never was. Remember that. Take care.

You’re not back to square one, it’s not humanly possible to go through all those ups and downs without taking something from it. There’s such a thing as a “grief curve” when you lose a loved one and I think it applies to the end of anything in your life, not just a death.
You know if you cut and grazed your knee as a kid. Then you’d pick the scab, your knee would bleed again but not as much. A new scab would develop and once picked it would bleed less than the time before. Eventually it would stop bleeding and you’d be left with healthy new skin that didn’t need a scab anymore. This is happening to you now, not just your knee. Sorry if that’s an odd analogy but I hope you can see the point.
Just keep on as you’re doing, you’re getting there.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie

I’d just keep it REALLY business like and use the first sentence.

Don’t engage in any of the ‘Woe is me’ shenanigans. Just don’t. It’ll achieve very little other than to churn up your emotions, and leave you in a worse place.

(I know… I have the t shirt !)

You’re doing brilliantly Legs… 💐💐💐

Agree Don't acknowledge his attempt at showing sudden guilt at all.

You are not back at square one and I can echo what a PP said about the grief curve. It reminds me about reading that grief comes at you like waves. In the beginning they are all encompassing and you can barely breathe between each wave. Gradually though, the waves become a bit smaller and less frequent.
This has just been another wave but you’ll come out the other side. KOKO Legs.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie

I’d just keep it REALLY business like and use the first sentence.

Don’t engage in any of the ‘Woe is me’ shenanigans. Just don’t. It’ll achieve very little other than to churn up your emotions, and leave you in a worse place.

(I know… I have the t shirt !)

You’re doing brilliantly Legs… 💐💐💐

Agreed. Business like is the way forward. Don’t respond or rise to his emotional twattery. Just send a curt reminder he owes 50% of the children’s school uniforms. Stay strong, Legs.

Thank you x

I (genuinely) missed a call from him this afternoon. He left a message to say he wants to apologise to me face-to-face and that we should talk about “money and the kids”. He said he wanted to come to the house tomorrow. Of course given the time that’s actually today now.

I sent a message saying not to come because nobody wants it and that if he’s anything to say about money he can do it via message.

I really really don’t want to see him. I can’t explain it but I never want to look at him ever again. I’m going to lock the doors tomorrow so he can’t just walk in.

DD3 will be out in the field and DD4 and DS have no desire at all to see him. So turning up really won’t be worth his while. I’ve nothing to say to him.

I don’t know why I’m so scared. I’ve no reason to be. But I just want to be left alone to try and get through. I don’t want him on my doorstep. Help!

x

Hi Legs, don’t be scared. Totally understandable that actually seeing him will trigger all sorts of horrible emotions and thoughts to pop back up. He’s lost his right to reinsert himself back into your lives whenever he feels like it. Tell him he’s not welcome and he’s to communicate with you via email.
I’d be tempted to respond to the text with something like “You failed as a father when you slept with a woman who wasn’t their mother.” but other posters recommending to ignore him or just reiterate your request for help with uniform costs are right. No point responding as he’s just fishing to see if you’re softening up when he mentions the kids, or more cynically trying to emotionally blackmail his way to a better financial settlement for himself by painting himself as a remorseful flawed individual who has learned his lesson. However, if it looks like an arsehole, talks like an arsehole and behaves like an arsehole, it’s probably an arsehole, Legs.
Keep him at arm’s length and remember you have more than every right to do this. It’s totally reasonable after what he did. Take care, hope you’re sleeping better than I am tonight! X

I’m torn on this one, I think for now the stay away and just message answer is the correct one.

You will need to sort out finances eventually, can you afford to buy him out of the house etc. Through a solicitor would be the cleanest way of handling it. Especially as at the moment you seem to not want anything from him, whereas you at least need to take what’s fair, don’t forget things like his pension too.

It also may be beneficial further down the line to meet him, but absolutely not at the house you need to be able to get up and leave when you’ve had enough. Whilst the kids will probably never forgive him they may reconcile with him so there will be events where you will have to publicly tolerate him.

I sent a message saying not to come because nobody wants it and that if he’s anything to say about money he can do it via message.

Well done, Legs. I doubt he will show up now. He’s a coward after all. Perhaps you could go out today if you feel worried?

It’s obvious that after a year with the OW, it’s not the paradise he envisaged and the shine has worn off their relationship.

The consequences of his actions have had time to sink in and you issuing the divorce petition was the knockout blow.

The recent rambling texts, the (too late) apologies, the voicemails, the begging to talk face to face are actions of a desperate man trying to claw back his old life.

Grey rock. Don’t buy into his emotional bullshit. Don’t answer his calls. Don’t respond with any emotionally-charged texts. Keep it business like.

Importantly, keep going. You’re strength is astounding. We are with you.

Oh dear what a shame. Looks like reality has dawned, the penny is finally dropping and there is trouble in paradise- as was predicted.

Legs you are in a much better place and are much stronger to deal with his his attempts to crawl back into your life. For this is surely what it is, a pathetic attempt.

Wait for all the begging forgiveness' made a mistake' ... expecting to slot right back in.

He really is a selfish piece of work.

Not posted on you threads before but have followed from start but this has made my blood boil on you behalf!

Just seen @WizardOfAus post - put much better than my post and I couldn't agree more!

The recent rambling texts, the (too late) apologies, the voicemails, the begging to talk face to face are actions of a desperate man trying to claw back his old life.

And also hang on to money/assets.

Keep any interaction strictly hands-off and strictly business @MoreLegsThanMe.

In fact, consider using another solicitor's services. It must be hard, in your situation, being your own solicitor too? 🌹

Very very well done for telling him no....

It's either gone tits up with the ow and he's realised what he's lost (twat), or he's had legal advise and he's realised what he's about to lose financially (greedy twat). He's had every opportunity to do what's right by the dc, but he left you to explain to the dc about him leaving and he's 'chosen' (the important word here) not to engage or put any effort in with the dc (selfish twat).

You've don't exactly the right thing by telling him no. If he wants to talk he can do it via text or solicitor, this way he can't try to manipulate the situation (manipulative twat)

Omg! As if you’d let him in to browbeat you!!!

So now he wants to say he's sorry, don't believe a word of it. Nothing says it's too late, bugger off, like a nice letter from your solicitor. I don't mean to downplay your hurt Legs, I think you've managed this all wonderfully but it's still early days and your clearly still vunerable and I'd hate to see you hurt again.

How are you envisaging the financial split will go? The quicker it's done would be good then there is no need to contact you. Presumably if the kids want to see him in the future they can text him directly.