More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

I would say what you’re feeling is an entirely natural and normal emotional response to the things happening in your life right now! Not to say you can’t also have depression, but it’s worth having a chat with your Dr if you do want to try stepping down the ADs. Worst case you can always step back up again…

Thank you x

I just wish I could forget all about the last 38 years. Such a complete waste wasn’t it. Apart from the DC of course. I’ve been thinking how could I have trusted a single word he said..ever. He could’ve been having affairs from day one and I will never ever know now.

Although I’ve thought about all this it’s not taken over like the thoughts did in the beginning. I think them, then park them away. I find myself thinking about Mr New more than I do STBXH.

In relation to Mr New can I canvass opinion about how to play next week? I wonder if any of you would stay the night, providing it felt right of course. I think about it with a mixture of anticipation, excitement, and terror!

Back in January I could never have guessed I’d be asking this question. I genuinely thought my life was over.

x

Morning legs

It’s easy to dismiss the last 38 years as a waste but as you say you have the dc. And you mentioned he doted on them when they were young. It’s been a tough few years for you prior to the affair but it wasn’t all bad. Although I do think from what you’ve said hes always had an underlying selfish streak

As for Mr New. The best thing is although you are nervous you are open to staying. I wouldn’t plan or expect one way or the other, but no harm in being prepared which could be anything from a toothbrush and a clean pair of knickers in your handbag to an overnight bag secreted away in the car. Then there is no expectation either way but your prepared if you decide to.

Most important though is to have fun.

I'd stay over! You only live once, and all that 🙌🏼

You know what they say to do when you fall off a horse, @MoreLegsThanMe….? 🥰

Thank you x

That seems like a consensus on what I should do! I was expecting a chorus of ‘no don’t do it’. I’m just keeping an open mind. There’s been no pressure from him about whether I stay or not. I’ll just go with my instinct that night ….

Can you have imagined just a few months ago that I’d be even considering this? I can’t get my head round it. It’s all so new to me.

I thought maybe STBXH might’ve been in touch about uniform costs etc. I’ve had the invoice for school bus transport too which is another ridiculous expense. But not a word.

Whatever. He can keep his bloody money. I’m not going cap in hand to ask for it. “I’m a good dad”. He’s so deluded. Presumably her youngest three DC need kitting out too. He’s probably even going into the uniform shop with her and then to buy it.

Thank you again for staying with me. The light at the end of the tunnel brightens yet again…

x

Wait until you have all the invoices and send all of them so he gets a cluster-f of a bill. Don’t suffer in silence and be a matyr. (Also, why should he get off like that, it contributes to his happy ever after!!!) You know he will complain and take forever to contribute, so that adds more to your “I’m a good Dad - Bullshit” Theory.

legs unless someone mentions it to him he will not be in touch about uniform. It is simply not on his radar, he’s never done it so will not know to think about it. I don’t particularly want to be fair to him as it is his ignorance at play here but please don’t play the martyr here. Part of co-parenting (not that he’s shown any interest in this as his banal texts have proven) is the ability to communicate. Even if that is just by email or text.

As @Justilou1 says wait until you have all the bills and send him an invoice for half. It’s not going cap in hand it’s adult communication about necessary expenses for your joint children.

Just been having a catch up. Legs you are an amazing strong wonderful mother and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

Hi Leg, go at whatever speed suits you, you are in control, just try not to let that idiot invade your thoughts and enjoy your friends company.

I hope you have a good date.

@MoreLegsThanMe I worry that you seem to swing in extremes of feelings and don’t allow cool logic to take over when it comes to your STBX. You need to start to allow for shades of grey rather than black OR white, or you will never truly let go and move on. (I am definitely not saying that you don’t have reason to be resentful about how you were treated - that IS logical.) You need to examine your present and your future more closely than the past. Remove him (as he has done), and remove the emotions from the very few co-parenting requirements placed upon him (like bills for uniforms.) You are not going with cap in hand. You are giving him the opportunity to co-parent. If he chooses not to, then this is something that needs to be addressed in settlement.

I’ve come to my senses and done as you said. Sent him everything today with a request he pays half. I’ll keep you posted but I’m not optimistic!

I cleared some summer/holiday clothes and shoes out today. All his got chucked in bags and taken to the charity shop. I think that’s the last remnants of him gone now - except my wedding album which will go when I come across it.

It’s just moving forward now. I’m stopping looking back. I can’t change it, any of it, but I have to look towards the future don’t I. I’m not going to be defined by this whole debacle.

I suddenly seem to have got some courage from somewhere - no idea where. I think it’s thoughts of next weekend and being with someone new. Makes me feel I am worthy of someone…

I’ll probably be back down on the floor tomorrow, but I’m enjoying this while I can!

x

Good for you legs, nowt like bagging up exh 's crap to elsewhere.

How did your evening go on Saturday?

Well done legs, you're doing great. I'm really glad you sent him the details of what he owes you!

You're so strong, and things like telling him what he owes, bagging up his stuff, and meeting up with someone new who treats you well will make you even stronger

YAY LEGS!!!

Hi *legs’ well done that’s a great positive post.

Re the wedding album I fully understand the desire to burn it but if you can bring yourself to, bury it in the darkest recesses of your loft. You dgc’s will appreciate a look at it 20 years or so down the line.

Well done you - it was 18 years ago now, but I well remember when my ex had finally gone for good (abroad) and I took a load of his crap to the tip - I felt wonderful as it all fell into the skip. Loads of crap that even he didn't really want but couldn't be arsed getting rid of - but wouldn't let me get rid of it either. It's a liberating feeling.

Well done -- I'm still following your progress and have done from Day 1.
I was half tempted to put my wedding album in the dustbin but refrained and am glad I didn't now. It was many years ago and my daughter-in -laws have had a laugh over the fashion of the time (as have my Son's). I would recommend ''hiding'' it somewhere until the hurt eases off. I did get some immediate satisfaction at the time when I broke the glass frames of my 2 favourite wedding photos and ripped them apart!
It's good to see you have hope and smile again (although I can't see you I do sense it) xx

Agree with pp about keeping the wedding album. It was a huge event in your life and I’m sure there are photos of other family members in there too that might no longer be with you and your dc may value it in the future. Tuck it somewhere out of sight and mind and decide in years to come if you need to dispose of it. You’re doing great!

@Twitchynose

Agree with pp about keeping the wedding album. It was a huge event in your life and I’m sure there are photos of other family members in there too that might no longer be with you and your dc may value it in the future. Tuck it somewhere out of sight and mind and decide in years to come if you need to dispose of it. You’re doing great!

I agree. I kept the album from my 1st marriage for years, stuck in a box on a shelf. We had no DC so really no reason to keep it 'for posterity'.

I finally got it down, took out the pictures of various family members and one of me in my wedding dress with my mum. The rest were consigned to the trash. Other than the one with Mum and me if someone saw them they'd just think they were pictures of family at some random wedding.

Checking in to say you’re doing so bloody well, Legs. Pleased you sent the bills to him and asked for 50%. Stay strong 💪

Thank you so much.

I did have a rambling message from him today. Saying the best thing we ever did was have the DC. Saying how sorry he is for the lies and cheating. It goes on in the same vein. He’d give anything to see the DC for even an hour every week/month. Saying he failed as a husband but doesn’t want to spend the rest of his days feeling like he’s failed “as a dad”.

I don’t know why he’s chosen to send that message today. DS came down and showed me a similar one he’d received, and then all the girls said they’d had it too. He c+p parts of the one he sent me and sent it on to them all. None of them replied, nor intend to.

I’ve composed a thousand responses already. I so want to tell him that he’s too fucking late. What he did nearly killed me. How his children don’t want anything to do with him and the older girls don’t want him near their children.

I haven’t sent any response of course. Should I? I don’t know why he’s chosen now. Maybe life isn’t all cosy in their Beautiful Home.

It feels like I’m moving on and trying so hard to forget and then he sends a message out of the blue.

I told you yesterday I’d be back on the floor today didn’t I …

But nothing about paying half the uniform costs of course.

The last message I received from him rattled me and this one has really rattled me. I don’t even know why I let it get to me.

So yeah, back to square one almost…

x

Ignore, ignore, ignore.
And hugs

I would respond something like "Just to remind you to pay your share of the uniforms and other costs for your children. That would make a small start on being a proper parent."

@BudrosBudrosGalli

I would respond something like "Just to remind you to pay your share of the uniforms and other costs for your children. That would make a small start on being a proper parent."

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