More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

I'd been separated from exH for over 2 years when I issued a divorce petition and I still felt like you do now. Trust me, its the best thing you'll ever do, it feels awful now, but you'll come out of this better and stronger. I am getting married again 2 weeks today and I never thought that would happen.

Awww I am sorry you’re feeling so upset. Do you think it’s because you feel ‘this is it’ - setting that divorce really in motion? Perhaps it would be a good time to tell the dc yourself what’s happening, better than them getting a call from their father to tell them? Nothing really you can do tonight, though I expect you’ll not sleep well! Perhaps write down what your thoughts are to try and ‘empty’ your mind a bit? Perhaps headphones and/or a boring book, whatever works to quiet the ever whirring brain, and know that you’ve felt worse and will feel better again soon. 💐

Your reaction is perfectly normal. It's the death of the dream. And each step towards the final dissolution of the marriage is a reminder that the life you thought you'd have won't 'come true' after all.

But remember there are always new dreams, no matter how old we are. You're already well on the way to your new dream even if you can't see it.

Shed a few tears, you've earned them. Then dry your eyes, take a deep breath, and move forward.

I concur with the advice above about being kind to yourself @MoreLegsThanMe! Of course you’re going to be anxious about his possible reaction to this petition. Your whole marriage involved you being tuned into his reaction to avoid setting him off, or “causing” him to cheat on you, or “creating” his ED, etc… His mood or reaction set the tone for how your marriage was working (or not) at any point in time while you were together. He placed the entire burden on you and you accepted this role.
I’m going to say this, and please don’t think that this comes from an anti-MH agenda. It’s not the case at all. I have worked in the industry and I’m a little worried. (Am also studying nursing and wanting to do further specialization in the area. I can foresee some patterns emerging if you are not VERY careful.)
While I am pleased that you have been out with your friend, and had a lovely time, I also feel the need to caution you. Your friend has been through a dark time with his MH. Bipolar disorder is not a chemical imbalance “just like diabetes” as some people like to say. While there is treatment for Bipolar Disorder, patients are most likely to be non-compliant with their meds and relapse. Your friend has been through a a really rough time with his MH, and my biggest concern is that people in his position will look for anyone else to take the role of a caregiver. You were very much the caregiver in your marriage and it might be hard for you to not feel obliged to step up if you feel sorry for him because he’s lonely, etc. You and this man are both in far too vulnerable a space for this.

Morning legs, the advice you’ve had this morning is excellent and I have had my concerns like justilou.

I do think you should tell the DC this morning as it will be far better coming from you than xdh hope you have a good weekend.

Hello @MoreLegsThanMe - sorry I’ve been away finally (yay FINALLY) sorting out our Financial Resolution. I had too many tabs open in my brain to do any MNetting.

I’m so glad you enjoyed your walk with your new/old friend. It’s quite a boost to ones self confidence to discover you’re not quite as old and disregarded as you think you are!

@Justilou1 is right, though, on not taking on another caring role in your life. You probably realise there’s a lot of sh*t to get through to sort out the marriage, and you’ll need energy for you and the kids. It’ll be a marathon (probably) and not a sprint.

I’ve had to sit on my hands, chew my knuckles and bite my tongue with my new man. He’s not looking for a carer, but I’m such a people pleaser that I just can’t help myself… and I also know that if you give them an inch, they could take a mile.

Ultimately, I decided only to have people in my life who ADD to it, and not subtract from it in any way…

Oh and yes, tell the DCs about the Petition. Be upfront but relaxed in telling them the news.

Not saying you’ll feel very relaxed….but fake it to make it.

Also agree that you need to tell the kids a) ahead of any fictitious narrative he spins and b) because they will have been expecting it, tbh. They respect you and not him. This much is very clear. If you took him back after all this, I doubt that they would continue to respect you so much. They will LOVE that you’re loving the first rock.

I agree that your DC aren't going to be too terribly surprised about the petition. Considering their father's behaviour they certainly haven't been expecting a reconciliation.

And yes, in this situation it's much better to play offense than defense as 'that man' has a driving need to portray himself as the 'innocent party' in the breakup. Not that your children don't know the truth about him.

Thank you x you’re all so right about why I feel like this. It’s one step nearer the end isn’t it. The real end.

I don’t know if he received the Petition today or if it’ll be Monday though. I wonder because out of the blue I had a message from him “…..I think about MY children and grandchildren every day. It’s their choice they do not respond”.

Why he sent that is beyond me really. I could’ve got into such an argument with him but I chose just to delete it. I wanted so much to tell him how i felt but what’s the point. This horrible vindictive man is not the man I worried.

I even dreamt he came back last night. It was so real it was almost scary. I mean what the fuck am I doing?

And thank you too for your warnings/worries about my friend. I’ve read a bit about BPD because I knew nothing about it really. He has no need of or intention of finding a carer and I’ve previously decided that for what’s left of me life, I come first. I’ll never be a caring soul ever again - apart from the DC of course.

I told them all and STBX’s family about the email. I’ve felt better for bringing everyone up to date. Better but not 100% though!

I think it will be Monday when it arrives. He probably thinks I’d never have gone through with it.

I’m back to feeling like I’m just trying. But, that’s something. Then I fell asleep before I could hit post too..

x

If you received a message like that, I would say there’s a very good chance he received the petition yesterday, Legs.
As predicted, it’s rattled him and he’s sent you an unpleasant text to provoke you.

You’re doing the right thing by deleting the messages. They may become more frequent, but hold your resolve and keep deleting. You’re doing so well.

Ah, did you receive the text after emailing his family? He’s been tipped off.

Oh well done for not replying to the message. How predictable that the DC and DGC (a new low even for him) get the blame for the estrangement. Nothing to do with his vanishing out of their lives without a second's notice, or so much as a goodbye or an apology. And he has the cheek to feel sorry for himself. Disgusting, selfish, wilfully blind man.

Carry on not replying to him. It would be wasted effort because there's none so deaf as those that won't hear.

Making a resolution to put yourself first and not getting trapped into being another adult's support system is good in principle. It shows you recognise the risk of it happening again, and it is a risk because you are a kind, caring person. Just do be aware it's easier to say to yourself you won't do something, than to not do it. It is so, so easy to be sucked into doing and giving up far more than you ever intended.

I think this was bound to be a bad patch. But I think you know you will get through it now because you've fought your way through all the others. Keep putting one foot in front of the other MoreLegs. You are going to be happy again.

He really does have a copy of “The Script” to follow, doesn’t he, @MoreLegsThanMe? Pity you’re too rude to follow suit and behave as he would have predicted! 😆😆😆
I think you need to ensure that you have good friends prepared to drop by with wine/gin/chocolate, whatever at short notice. X

And here we are, the excuses have arrived.

Complete and blind denial that he had anything to do with the breakdown of the marriage. The excuse wasn't even about the marriage, that's how much he has distanced himself from it, he made it about the children.

This shows you Legs how unnacoutable his actions are, I should imagine when his relationship ends with the ow it will be the same, everthing including his abandonment of his family will be totally her fault.

Isn't it nice to never be responsible for any of your actions in life.

Well here are his consequenses and as usual he is thinking of himself and sulking about how his children will view him, christ I think it's pricked his concience, I didn't think he had one.

Don't feel sorry for the little lamb because that's what he wants right now, he's wallowing in it.

Just say goodbye, not nice knowing you, the end.
Be firm at this point, you are doing what any other logical person would do, it is him being irrational expecting sympathy.

You are as ever the person with the brain, it is not your fault he has limited nuerological capabilities.

Don't let him get to you.

So 'MY' children, eh? As if you haven't been their mainstay and primary parent all their lives?

Just shows how deluded he really is.

He’s not blaming the kids for this - he is implying parental alienation. I think not replying is the only response. The kids are all old enough to be able to answer this themselves if they are asked about this by a judge, I assume… This man is such a COCKWOMBLE!

Thank you x

I at least know I have made no attempts at alienation at all. Quite the opposite but he’ll never believe it will he.

I kept busy today. Too busy probably but it always stops me thinking.

That dream was horrible though. I just hope it’s not my subconscious wanting him back…

If he’s been tipped off then you know what? So be it. I don’t have it in me to care at all anymore. Yesterday was such a terrible day. I felt that I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t get through. But here I am and am beginning to learn there are big blips and little ones.

How did you lovely women react when the copy Petition drops on the doormat? I do wonder how I’ll cope when it does….

God I wish I could just swap my brain for a clear thinking, brave one instead of the one I’ve got which has gone so faulty.

x

Well done Legs - you are getting on with this one step after another. It is tough but you are getting through it.

Interesting that he keeps up his attempts to justify his situation. He clearly wants validation from you and perhaps his dad.

Keep on not responding: you both know the truth of the situation - whatever he says.

You don't need to get down to his level and squabble about it - he is wrong and you both know it.

He’s obviously got a conscience causing him little tweaks of irritating pain-like sensations. He might even be concerned about consequences. (CMS?) He might suddenly be having feelings about his own accountability because he’s blustered around to his Dad’s doing a “Can you believe what she did?” And his dad said “Yes, actually… took her long enough!”

How did you lovely women react when the copy Petition drops on the doormat? I do wonder how I’ll cope when it does….

I danced a little jig across the floor. But my situation was very different from yours. He was an abusive arsehole and I just wanted to be free of him. Plus it was a short marriage and we had no children.

Where I live the plaintiff (me) had to have the papers served 'by hand' to the respondent (him) by a third party. My BFF was the one who rang his doorbell and gleefully put them in his hand. I watched from a safe distance as his jaw hit the ground. After all, he had told me I must not file for divorce so how very dare I!!! It was very satisfying I must say. She and I went out dancing that very night and had a hell of a time. This was in the '70s so all very Saturday Night Fever-ish with our disco queen outfits and stiletto heels.

You have much more 'shared history' and you weren't the one who lit the fuse that blew your marriage apart, he was. It's natural that you would be much more conflicted than I was. But I have a feeling that if you give yourself time and if you work on seeing clearly you'll eventually, if not dance a jig across the floor, then feel a quiet sense of satisfaction. You've taken up the reins of your own life. Where you go from here is up to you.

There's a lady on here who went through similar to yourself a few years ago. Her dh of 25 years cheated on her. She went pretty much nc with him, very similar to yourself. Her name is @lily007. Might be worth having a read of her threads (there were 3 I think). You can get through this

Morning legs, well done on gettIng through the weekend. This time next week you will feel so much calmer. You are already in the mindset that he doesn’t matter anymore. It’s just the feeling of the unknown, I wonder if you will even hear from him when he gets it, he does sound very cowardly. Do get the cms claim in though, if you don’t need the money save it to split between the DC when it comes to a natural stop.

When my head needs a wobble and some clarity I try and get in some wild swimming, there are some incredible options near you, but honestly once the petition drops, you don’t have to brave any more, the only thing you have to worry about is making time for you.

Ah well, he believes what suits him and always will. It doesn't bear any relation to reality. You and the DC know you never prevented them from getting in contact with him and they are old enough that you need not worry about a court believing his farrago of nonsense.

I imagine your nightmare was not caused by a subconscious wish for him to return, but a subconscious fear that he might - which is entirely reasonable of you. You know how hard you've worked to get through the past months and how much effort you've put in to achieve a healthy equilibrium. You really don't want him blundering in like a spoilt toddler demanding you drop everything and look after him again.

And you are very brave, and you are clear-thinking. You've seen through him and you have the intelligence to see you can get through the bad patches no matter how bleak they seem at the time.

You can do this. You've been doing it for a long time now and you just get better and better at it.

Thank you, as always.

Not much to report today. I had a text from a number I didn’t recognise simply saying “you fucking bitch”. I imagine it was from her.

Just rose above it and deleted/blocked. Not to say I wasn’t very upset by it, but not that anyone would have noticed. My game face is perfected now. My friend -D- are having another afternoon out on Thursday. I’m looking forward to just the company of someone my own age I think!

I do wonder if the text means they have the Petition. No doubt she’ll be enraged to have been named but she should have thought of that. If it has arrived he must be in shock - I’m fully expecting him to get straight on to me to ask what to do….

Maybe it’s finally hit him what he’s done. Then again his selfishness knows no bounds….

Maybe I’ll hear tomorrow. You’ll be the first to know.

x