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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH bought valentines card for another woman

155 replies

Peebles81 · 24/05/2021 09:36

I cannot decide if I overreacted to DH buying a valentines card for another woman or not. I was eight months pregnant at the time so may have been hormonal. I would like to see other mums views on this.

OP posts:
Devlesko · 24/05/2021 12:48

Ok, I'd tell him you know everything and depending on his next few sentences decides if he remains in the family home with you.

So sorry you are going through this, he's either having an affair, wants to, or has done.
It's usually when wifey pg with child or soon after as they can't control what's between their legs.
So sad, when there are decent men out there.
You desrve better, pack his bags, the lying cheat.

ILoveShula · 24/05/2021 12:49

Emotional affair probably.

Glad you are ok now.

Calamaribabe · 24/05/2021 12:54

I don't think it's possible to overreact to this. While you were heavily pregnant, your DH was pursuing another woman.There is no genuine, believable explanation other than this, in view of what he's told you.

The only question is whether you are prepared to forgive him and move on, or not. In your situation, I would decide to let this go and say no more about it. However, I would also be super-alert for any clues that there was anything more serious going on, and I would also squirrel away a secret stash of as much money as possible, just in case.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2021 12:54

DH early 30s, she's probably three to six years younger by the look of her.

Well this was a given. Cmon op. He’s involved with her. You know this. He bought it for the normal reasons you buy someone a valentines card.

LittleTiger007 · 24/05/2021 12:55

Now that you and the baby are ok physically, I think you need to sit him down and address this.
It is not ok. He owes you an apology and you need to express how completely betrayed you felt. Also that it lead to the premature birth. He needs to take some responsibility.

1forAll74 · 24/05/2021 13:06

It's just a card. lots of people send secret valentine cards to other men or women.. You perhaps need a sense of humour about such silly things.

RantyAnty · 24/05/2021 13:07

I wouldn't say anything just yet. Have a look through his phone.

Mayzee · 24/05/2021 13:13

@1forAll74

It's just a card. lots of people send secret valentine cards to other men or women.. You perhaps need a sense of humour about such silly things.
No they don’t. Don’t dismiss the perfectly legitimate concerns of the OP.
Lweji · 24/05/2021 13:14

@1forAll74

It's just a card. lots of people send secret valentine cards to other men or women.. You perhaps need a sense of humour about such silly things.
Some people need a sense of reality and of dignity.
FurrySlipperBoots · 24/05/2021 13:14

So these are the only reasons i can thin of for him buying this woman the card:

Through pity - this would backfire when no real-life romance emerged., which anyone over the age of 10 would realise

As an act of platonic friendship - weird thing to do on Valentines day, and why her specifically and not all the other single men and women he knows?

As a prank - incredibly cruel. I couldn't be with someone who did this to another person

Because he fancies her, and wanted to test the waters

Because they're already having an affair

For me personally I wouldn't be able to trust him any more, so the relationship would be dead.

dottiedodah · 24/05/2021 13:17

Its not looking too good is it? A young man of 30 buying his younger co worker a Valentine Card FFS! I think you need to ask him WTF hes playing at!

numpty01 · 24/05/2021 13:18

@1forAll74

It's just a card. lots of people send secret valentine cards to other men or women.. You perhaps need a sense of humour about such silly things.
Hahaha yeah ok 😉
Lweji · 24/05/2021 13:18

When I pressed him on it about why it would be a joke he admitted that he'd bought it for someone he saw through work as he felt sorry for her because she didn't have a partner.

Totally believable. Not.

And he lied about it at first. And didn't even mention this woman at Valentine's.

And if it's true, it shows incredibly misogyny. Why would he feel sorry for any woman without a partner?
If she is usually in such a sorry state about not having a partner that he felt she needed a card, why hasn't he talked about her to you before?

I'd understand him buying a card to all the women in the office. Not just to one. Partner or not.

As others suggested, I suspect that a search through his phone might be helpful.

ddl1 · 24/05/2021 13:18

Even if one believes his story (and I'm not at all sure I do!) it shows a very sexist and patronizing attitude to the colleague. Being sorry for her for not having a partner? Maybe she doesn't want one! And certainly doesn't want a Valentine as a pity card! And it makes him sound as though he thinks you should be grateful to have him .Of course it's also possible that he's plain old lying!

bookworm20 · 24/05/2021 13:24

Actually I think you need to tread carefully here. if you just confront him, he WILL gaslight you. Tell you it was a joke, it meant nothing, you're overreacting, you're being too sensitive. Then he'll get annoyed and blame you for being insecure, ridiculous and how dare you accuse him of doing something bad. he'll turn it round that you're the psyco having a go at him for something he hasn't done. If it was actually completely innocent and he really is that thick he will be concerned that its upset you, he would be asking you what he can do to put your mind at rest and be bloody severely apologetic.

Firstly, do you have access to his phone at all? If you can look at his phone, if there is an emotional or physical affair going on, there is likely to be some signs of that on his phone somewhere. Or in his emails or in a chat app. I think this is an occasion where snooping is totally justified.

Secondly, do you have anything at all to do with any of his work colleagues? Are you friendly with any of them? Assuming it is actually someone at work he bought the card for. Can you arrange a surprise drop in to the office for any reason? Is it that sort of place where this would be ok? If you take baby, most women (and some men) I know in offices I've worked in will come over and show an interest in the baby and be delighted you bought baby in too. You could see who seem reluctant to come over and do this. You could also see if anyone in particular seems to look slightly uncomfortable with you being there (including your DH). If they are, theres probably something going on.

At this point I think its best to perhaps keep quiet a little longer and just start taking notice of anything he might be doing out of the ordinary. later nights at office, meeting with 'friends' on evenings and weekends, being secretive with his phone. At some point, if he is potentially pursuing someone or has already done so, it will become apparent in some form or another.

It will be really hard to keep quiet, trust me I know. But I think if you bring it up now, you are essentially alerting him to the fact you suspect something is going on and he will be very careful to cover his tracks.

I honestly cannot though see any innocent reason he bought a valentines card for another woman. And like you say to have done so at the same time he bought yours is a double kick in the guts.

If you do bring it up with him though, keep calm and see what his story might be this time.

Cadent · 24/05/2021 13:24

The more you post the more it seems unlikely that it was just because he felt sorry for her.

I would be on high alert behind a placid front for other signs.

SourLemons · 24/05/2021 13:27

@OrchestraOfWankery

I'm betting this woman wasn't 60 year old Barbara with the dodgy knee......
Great point
Outbutnotoutout · 24/05/2021 13:27

@RantyAnty

I wouldn't say anything just yet. Have a look through his phone.
I came here to say exactly this!!

He thinks you have forgotten, his guard is down.

Phoenix121 · 24/05/2021 13:29

If my daughter told me that, I would think he's a player. A man who likes charming women so that they give him lots of attention, laugh at his jokes, makes him feel more important than he really is. Very much a narcissist. With the perfect family at home, he goes out and about in the world putting on a show so that lots of women think how wonderful he is. It boosts his fragile ego.

It doesn't explain how some woman would think it ok for him to give her a v card when he is married and soon to become a father of course, unless he didn't make her aware of that fact ...

BunnyRuddington · 24/05/2021 13:31

You mean exH surely?

laidbacklife · 24/05/2021 13:33

S’ok, she can return the sympathetic gesture when he’s dumped and on his own. Maybe soon?

RoosterRaveUp · 24/05/2021 13:37

So out of order.

Has anything else raised your suspicious OP? How is your relationship currently?

WimpoleHat · 24/05/2021 13:37

A (female) friend of mine used to do this; she’d send an anonymous card to a chap who she thought was “deserving” (ie that she didn’t fancy, but she thought was a nice guy who could do with a bit of an ego boost). We were about 21 at the time, though!

Phoenix121 · 24/05/2021 13:41

Someone I knew had been having a sort of relationship with a guy she met in a professional capacity. They would meet up for lunches mainly. Many years later she happened to encounter the guy with his family and was shocked to discover that the age of his DC put the conception date firmly during the period he was 'seeing' her.
Some mainly (narcissists mainly) are much more likely to have 'affairs' when their partners are pregnant. This is mainly for two reasons. Firstly, the frequency of sex may diminish when a woman is pregnant and secondly, the wife's body temporarily changes into that of a 'mother' rather than that of a 'wife'. Especially with narcissist men who have trophy wives, they do not like that at all, and will seek out temporary replacements to feed their egos while their wives are preoccupied with pregnancy and childbirth.
Narc men are supreme masters of deception and manipulation and their behaviour may go undetected by the wife for very many years.
One thing is assured: he will never again accidentally leave an incriminating receipt lying around.

Thisisjaaam · 24/05/2021 13:41

Ah the cool wife has just turned up in the form of @1forAll74

Either the cool wife or the scummy husband.

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