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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH bought valentines card for another woman

155 replies

Peebles81 · 24/05/2021 09:36

I cannot decide if I overreacted to DH buying a valentines card for another woman or not. I was eight months pregnant at the time so may have been hormonal. I would like to see other mums views on this.

OP posts:
bookworm20 · 24/05/2021 11:25

He didn't buy a card for a woman at work because she was single and he felt sorry for her.

He bought a card for someone he wanted to give a card to. Someone he is either involved with or wants to be involved with.

thedogtookit · 24/05/2021 11:32

He bought it for her because he's involved with her in some way. Either already sleeping with her or pursuing her. Otherwise it would be very awkward and embarrassing for her (and him) when the married bloke in the office with a pregnant wife presents her with a card.

He's talking absolute shit, and he lied to you initially so he knows it was not ok in any event.

I'm sorry about your premature labour op and I hope you and baby are ok.

AngelDelightUk · 24/05/2021 11:34

Does he know how upset you still are about it? Or has it just never been mentioned again?

Original poster
Peebles81 · 24/05/2021 11:39

@thedogtookit

He bought it for her because he's involved with her in some way. Either already sleeping with her or pursuing her. Otherwise it would be very awkward and embarrassing for her (and him) when the married bloke in the office with a pregnant wife presents her with a card.

He's talking absolute shit, and he lied to you initially so he knows it was not ok in any event.

I'm sorry about your premature labour op and I hope you and baby are ok.

Thank you. We are both ok now xx
OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 24/05/2021 11:41

Apart from the advice already given, you have to think about workplace policies. Imagine this happened like your husband claimed (I doubt it...), sending a Valentines card to a workplace colleague could be construed as sexual harassment or bullying (if it was perceived by the recipient as someone being nasty and highlighting their single status like a leprosy bell). Whatever the truth, I wouldn't be with a partner who lacked the judgement in a workplace not to put themselves at risk of being sacked with a young family to support.

Original poster
Peebles81 · 24/05/2021 11:43

@AngelDelightUk

Does he know how upset you still are about it? Or has it just never been mentioned again?
He must have known how upset I was at the time as I was visibly distressed. But then it was a whirlwind with the membrane rupture then being induced and also there were complications after the birth and I was in hospital for a few days. He seemed so overjoyed to see his new child. But it has never been resolved, not for me anyway.
OP posts:
Dizzybrunette445 · 24/05/2021 11:46

He can do one.

LadyCatStark · 24/05/2021 11:49

No one without ulterior motives even thinks about buying a Valentine’s card for another women because they’re single and lonely. Next it’ll be, “I’m just going for a drink with her because she’s single and lonely.” And you can see where it goes from there... sorry you’re having to go through all this.

Thisisjaaam · 24/05/2021 11:50

If you were in that woman’s shoes, what would you think if you were given a Valentine’s card by a married man?

If you had given a Valentine’s card to a man at your work, what do you think your DH would say?

If you told your mum about it, what do you think she’d say? Ask yourself why you’re avoiding it.

You deserve SO much better.

BelleBlueBell · 24/05/2021 11:54

I find it very hard to beleive that any man would buy a valentines card for a woman not in his family simply because he felt sorry for her. That doesn't sound in the slightest bit true.

Tal45 · 24/05/2021 12:01

She would be extremely uncomfortable being single and bought a valentines card by a married man expecting a baby - unless there's something already going on. Who would want a pity valentines card? I'm so sorry about this OP, are there any other signs there might be something going on - secrecy around phones, late home etc?

TheStroppySIL · 24/05/2021 12:06

I'd tell him that you don't appreciate him bullshitting you, especially at a very vulnerable time in your life, and that the next time he pulls a trick like that and gaslights you, he can go live with her.

Derbee · 24/05/2021 12:07

He’s pig. Lying about the card being for his sister etc shows you all you need to know about him. Work out how to arrange your life without him, and tell him to fuck off to the OW

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 24/05/2021 12:07

It was probably a BOGOF deal. He’s got you one for next year too.

He’s making those savings.

Derbee · 24/05/2021 12:07

*a pig

CookieClub · 24/05/2021 12:13

And therein lays the problem...people that have been hurt, betrayed, or found something shocking will often try to process it/bury it..and they think they're doing okay, then it bites them on the arse.

It does shake the foundation of a relationship finding stuff like this; it affects trust, honesty, all sorts... So I can absolutely see why OP is struggling with this only a short time later.

I should imagine her mind is in overdrive, wondering what it means/if he's being honest (sounds like a BS excuse that he gave, imo, unfortunately)

I hope you are okay OP, especially with such a young baby your hormones etc will be all over the place.

Sit hubby down for a good chat, get the truth from him. His body language and responses will tell you everything you need to know.
Big hugs xx

Veiaola · 24/05/2021 12:14

I think from my own experience, I would be angry an upset that firstly he lied an said the card was for his sister. I think that there is lots more to this. Sorry, please don't let your fuckwit selfish partner make u lose sight of enjoying your baby. Hold on to that thought.

MrsHound · 24/05/2021 12:16

He sent a Valentines card in February and you are worrying about it in May?
I would prioritise you and hour baby's health nothing good will come of challenging him now.
Now lock down is ending why not tell him to invite her round for tea if he is so worried for her?

me4real · 24/05/2021 12:20

Sit hubby down for a good chat, get the truth from him. His body language and responses will tell you everything you need to know.

If that was the case then no-one would ever be able to hide an affair etc.

@Peebles81 So sorry you're going through this. Sad What is the relationship like in other ways?

cuparfull · 24/05/2021 12:26

No! Absolutely no! Reign him in now or toss him out. He hasn't been taught how to behave and has NO respect for you.

This will only get worse. Don't put up with it.

GabsAlot · 24/05/2021 12:34

why did he lie in the first place if it was so innocent-oh its for my sister, no its not its for some spinster at work

yeah right

DreamingNow · 24/05/2021 12:35

@MrsHound

He sent a Valentines card in February and you are worrying about it in May? I would prioritise you and hour baby's health nothing good will come of challenging him now. Now lock down is ending why not tell him to invite her round for tea if he is so worried for her?
Err did you read about the premature labour starting on the evening she found out?.

I suspect the OP is just starting to get her head above the water to be able to face it. It’s certainly not a good enough reason to bury the issue. Esp as it’s clearly eating up the OP

numpty01 · 24/05/2021 12:39

@MrsHound

He sent a Valentines card in February and you are worrying about it in May? I would prioritise you and hour baby's health nothing good will come of challenging him now. Now lock down is ending why not tell him to invite her round for tea if he is so worried for her?
Nah, it's never too late. I'd be mining for evidence then opening the gates of hell.
SameToo · 24/05/2021 12:43

@MrsHound so you recommend she forgets about the possibility her husband is cheating because she’s a mother and can’t possibly think about anything else aside from her baby? Ok then Hmm

leftout1 · 24/05/2021 12:44

I bet he didn't buy a card for Nigel in Accounts, who also happens to be single?

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