Where did all the good men go in the UK?

[DadAManger]

I am asking this for a friend - really!

I hear over and over now from my single friends over 30 that there is a massive shortfall in good quality men in the UK?

Do MN users and readers agree? What are your own experiences? Many happily married women on here I'm sure, so what's your view?

One thing I do notice myself - but don't necessarily share with my single friends (I like them) - is that a lot of them seem to have long lists of "must-have/must-be" points for a guy to be up to standard for them?

Wow this is a depressing thread, I’m single in my early 30s who has had very little luck when it comes to dating. To read that all the good men and women are already taken is really tough to read. Not all of us are too fussy etc, I just didn’t meet a good guy in my twenties and it looks like I never will judging by everyone’s opinions on here.

@WandaLust101

Whenever I speak to single male friends about online dating (or just dating in general) without fail they all complain about how difficult it is to date. From barely receiving any matches on the dating apps, to being ghosted, and all the rest of it.

I don’t think that finding dating tricky is a purely female experience. I think that finding a good match in general is hard.

Yes I would say this is largely my experience. You don't feel like you know where you stand and there's rarely not complications/ someone else involved in some way.

[quote DadAManger]@Washingtofold - am really not sure why you are so annoyed or bitter about nancywhitehead's comment.

So any woman that does not share your view that ALL men are porn obsessed, cheating, losers are "self-delusional?" Is that really your position? I take it you are not currently married or a parent - otherwise you would also be engaged in this hopeless self-delusion by having a man? Is it not possible that there are both porn-obsessed cheaters and good guys (and a whole spectrum in-between) in the male population of the UK? Very odd post by you.

-----------------------

nancywhitehead

I struggled for a long time to find a suitable partner, had some bad relationships etc.

As soon as I'd started to sort out what was going on in my own head, many things opened up to me, and all areas of my life improved. I found my now fiance in a very short space of time once I had let go of a lot of my internal issues.

There is no "shortfall" of men - there is only barriers that people have in their own heads. People often can't see what is right in front of them.
--
Oh yes indeed. So many women blinded by their own issues who simply can’t see the good men all around - except you of course LMAO

I guess all the reports of men harassing women, being porn addicts cheats etc the women are just delusional or let me guess ? It’s their fault for picking them
Luckily for them there will always be women like you to defend them though[/quote]
Where did I say anything about nabncywhitegead views on men being porn obsessed cheating losers ? Please show me that quote !!!!
If yoh read my post you’ll see what annoys me about nancywhitehead is her insistence that any woman who has found all the wonderful men ‘ right in front of her ‘ is experiencing that because she has issue within herself

So Dadamanger what makes you feel free to misquote me and what makes you so confident that all the women here voicing their bad experiences are not telling the exact truth ?
What is YOUR experience of dating men as a woman in this world
You seem to have a big problem with I terror ring text and also a big problem with women voicing negative experiences about today’s men

That was a big problem with interpreting text

And for the record of course I realise their are porn obsessed cheater and good guys however as I’ve noted In a thread there are an aweful of of men

• yes obsessed with porn
• harassing women both online and off
• assaulting women in all manner of ways
• basically just thriving of traditional toxic masculinity and mysogynistic

And I guess I should add - misquoting , minimising and refusing to take women’s experiences seriously

Just because there are some good guys out there this doesn’t mean that women are not right when they say these ‘ good guys’ are the minority

Just because there are some good guys out there this doesn’t mean that women are not right when they say these ‘ good guys’ are the minority

Quite - including those who are taken. Most of my friends husbands are dicks! Peoples bars seem low:

@DadAManger
It’s funny how in 13 pages almost every woman here has reported the same feelings yet you focus on the one who gets on here and claims she has found the perfect man and that all we need to do is simply look at our own issues . Are you even reading the many many other reports from women here and if so what are you learning ???????

[quote Washingtofold]@DadAManger
It’s funny how in 13 pages almost every woman here has reported the same feelings yet you focus on the one who gets on here and claims she has found the perfect man and that all we need to do is simply look at our own issues . Are you even reading the many many other reports from women here and if so what are you learning ???????[/quote]
Well you all need something to aspire towards (as I metaphorically grab my coat and head for the door....)

Joking aside I don't think the MN pages of this relationship board are the most balanced. I think by default it's mainly people that have had difficult prior relationships (including the men that post on here like myself and I assume OP). I suppose if you had a good healthy relationship you wouldn't be on here, unless you had bad ones in the past perhaps.

'think most of the good ones get mopped up in their twenties and after that it's like looking for a decent item that actually fits in a next sale.'

Haha yes i agree with this^

One of my friends liked to date bad boys which was fine but he treat her so terribly and wasted loads of her time. She had dc with him and sadly ended up a single Mum well over 30 struggling to find a good guy, nothing wrong at all with being single but she wants somebody and another dc. I often wonder if she had given a decent good guy a chance sooner would her life be different.

@AOwlAOwlAOwl

I'm not sure.

The thing I notice about my terminally single friends is that they don't bin off the bad ones quickly enough and really, really want a relationship. I think these two things are linked so they persist with bad men longer than they really warrant which means if their ideal man is out there, they are already busy in a relationship with a manchild and they don't meet mr right.

Good point!

Well I've got a positive tale - not me but a woman I see regularly for a beauty treatment (not want to be too outing here).

She's 43 and last year came out of a long term relationship (no DDCs) She's not what I'd call a looker and she's not particularly slim, but she's a sweet and friendly person with a successful business.

She has had spectacular success with OLD - since the offset she's had a couple of dates a week (Covid restrictions aside) and has now met a lovely guy she really likes (8 years younger) who feels the same. She said she would always have a video call first, to flag anyone really unsuitable, and can't understand why everyone doesn't do this.

It's meant she's only dated people she clicked with and, although only one worked out, she's actually remained friends with a lot of them.

I was so fascinated when she told me and can't wait for our next appointment so I can hear more!

@wanadu2022

I think many people don't understand human psychology very well, and also their own needs.

Women wanting a high earning, high flyer also then expect him to have loads of time, help out around the house and be extremely emotionally available. But someone who is successful has put his career first, and will have a certain type of personality that enables him to survive in a cut throat career. And it's likely not one that's always sensitive. The same way high earning women will have certain quirks someone in a more nurturing role may not have.

Men tend to be much better (i find) on figuring out what the compromises are, and not expecting to find everything in their partner. 'Good' is such an arbitrary man. Is someone who is an alpha male with the empathy of a flea more good than someone who is in a less high flying career who is more sensitive?

More women need to be clear on what they really need in a man. Do you want someone who will help you maintain a certain lifestyle? Do you want someone who support YOUR career? Do you want someone who will be an equal partner in managing the house? Do you want someone who will allow you to be a SAHM? Do you want someone you can do your hobbies with? Do you want someone who is proactive in family life? And so on. You won't get it all in one man - it's just not scientifically possible.

The good men do exist, you just need to define what 'good' looks like to you, and not a generic checklist of things you may not need but the media tells you you do.

Good points! I'm lot going through the divorce and totally agree it's good to know what you want

My 29 year old great friend is single, a great laugh, caring and lovely. He is not interested in OLD and would like to meet someone but never seems to be able to come across the kind of woman he'd like to go out with. It's such a shame.

@Misty9

I do think that if men put as much care into their online dating profile photos as women this would balance those stats out a bit. So many of the photos make the men look terrible - and that's what they've chosen as the best one?! I'd much rather meet someone irl, but it's how...

I agree! Women put so much more effort into their photos and profiles

@ Sova - yes, one of the hardest things for all of us I think is knowing what we really want (and acting on it).

@ Chunkymenrock - I met my wife (from Tokyo), through a nice tradition they still have there where an existing couple formally invite two single people that they like and think will like each other (and have similar values and expectations). The couple inviting think quite hard about this - it is not just a “you sit here at the dinner party because you are both single”. It has worked well for us (and some other couple we know too). :)

I actually think finding real love is pretty damn difficult, most people get into relationships and marriages simply to be in one and/or in order to get their various needs met. Historically I believe women were very much socialised to diminish themselves to meet their partner’s and eventual children’s needs. It is probably in the long run probably better that fewer are willing to do that nowadays.

@SilenceIsInvisible

I took your comments seriously before but I can see now that you're trolling. You're literally creating fictional posts. Nowhere have I said anything about men should be marrying women 20 years their junior 😂 I've not even alluded to age at all. These mentions are just exposing your own biases.

You need to deal with your own misogyny and deal with the fact that a lot of women make different choices based on different life priorities. Not everyone wants to hungrily chase money/status above spending more quality time with their own family. Women who have other types of careers or who choose differently (including staying at home to.look after their own kids instead of paying others to look after them) are in no way less of a catch than women in high paying careers. A lot of these women are intelligent, good company, kind etc. They're in no way less worthy or a downgrade partner to men who happen to have high flying careers.

If men with time consuming careers want to pick women who have less time consuming careers/want to be SAHM to bring up their kids during their formative years, such a decision makes practical sense in a lot of ways for both parties.

Two parents in time-consuming careers are simply not able to spend as much quality time with their kids, compared to families where there's a different set up. If you don't want to hear the truth, that's your problem to deal with.

Anyone else got an earworm now…?

Where did all the good men go and where are all the gods?

Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?

@FeistySheep

Well there's settling and settling isn't there. Don't settle for a nasty scumbag, but do 'settle' for a kind man who just happens to not be as physically attractive as you, or as rich as you, or taller than you, etc etc. Some single people I know (absolutely not all) can't see the relative unimportance of looks, height, and money. Others can't tell the difference between a man who is keen but shy, and a disinterested man.

The other thing which PP mentioned is that you have to chuck men the second you realise they're not lifelong partner material. So many people waste time.

I don't think men are worse than they were. They've probably improved in some respects and got worse in others, but overall, no.

@FeistySheep Sexual attraction is important. It's has nothing to do with being good in bed, but I don't think it's too much to ask for women not to feel repulsed by one's intimate partner. You've got to ask yourself - how will I feel around this man when he's sweaty, when he's on top of me during sex?

I need a hormone
I’m holding out for a hormone till the end of the night
It’s got to be strong to get rid of my tache
Because my aged face looks a fright

My priorities were totally different at age 30 vs age 40. At 30 I wanted a rich man so I could get married and have a nice house and a baby. Ten years later I just really want to fuck someone hot even if he’s broke.

@EarthSight I think the PP meant attractiveness in the classical sense - ie. looks like a model - as opposed to being someone you’re attracted to per se. It’s not uncommon for people to feel chemistry with someone but still reject them because they feel they’re “worth” someone who looks like Brad Pitt.

And even if it were you feel good looks are essential to your sexual attraction, well… then none of us have the right to complain about 50 year old men wanting 22 year olds then do we? Because they would argue exactly the same thing: “sexual attraction is important. It’s nothing to do with being good in bed, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for men not to be repulsed by one’s intimate partner. Etc, etc…”

@Donitta has being a “good man” -as per the OP’s opening post - ever come into it?

@Disposableplates

Wow this is a depressing thread, I’m single in my early 30s who has had very little luck when it comes to dating. To read that all the good men and women are already taken is really tough to read. Not all of us are too fussy etc, I just didn’t meet a good guy in my twenties and it looks like I never will judging by everyone’s opinions on here.

In your early 30s you still have more options than those of us in our forties. Men my age are probably very interested in you.

@ActuallyIveGotDental

That's fine *@Gwenhwyfar* but you've specified that what you're offended by is not the fact that they're not drinking but the way the person behaves, I'm not like that at all, and neither are most of the people I know who don't drink- coming from the religious background I do, there are a lot of us, so I'm not speaking as an odd one out. I do however, find the assumption that we will behave a certain way to be rather unfair without getting to know us first! Certainly in my background we're incredibly socially oriented, non-judgemental, and most definitely not pushy with our beliefs either.

As I say, I do drink now due to a status change in my church (I was never morally against it) but who I am and how I behave has remained consistent.

The thing is even if, in theory a t-total person says they're happy go to pubs, I wonder how much they would enjoy it. Sitting and talking for hours and sipping one or two fruit juices is pretty boring at the end of the day. On the other hand, I know drinkers who are judgemental about other people's drinking e.g. people who drink much more than me on a Saturday night having a go at me for having a drink with lunch. It basically comes down to wanting to be with someone whose interests are compatible with yours.