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Original poster

Where did all the good men go in the UK?

477 replies

DadAManger · 21/05/2021 14:52

I am asking this for a friend - really!

I hear over and over now from my single friends over 30 that there is a massive shortfall in good quality men in the UK?

Do MN users and readers agree? What are your own experiences? Many happily married women on here I'm sure, so what's your view?

One thing I do notice myself - but don't necessarily share with my single friends (I like them) - is that a lot of them seem to have long lists of "must-have/must-be" points for a guy to be up to standard for them?

OP posts:
SilenceIsNotAvailable · 24/05/2021 02:33

@Gwenhwyfar

"I think that last paragraph makes a lot of sense and would certainly explain the issue of there not being enough good men (well for that group of women at least)."

Well only for a minority of snobby women, not in general.

It's snobby for a woman to want a man who is her intellectual equal and has similar drive in terms of career and aspirations etc? Confused
SilenceIsNotAvailable · 24/05/2021 02:40

@snowqu33n

Nurses these days are graduates, with responsibilities for people like us living or dying, so I think it’s rather ridiculous to use them as an example of a profession that is naive, etc. however young or hot they may be. Cliches and stereotypes galore.
The poster referred specifically to hot, young nurses. So the stereotype wasn't mine.

And regardless, over 50% of people these days have degrees so that along is not a particular mark of intellect.

SilenceIsNotAvailable · 24/05/2021 02:42

*alone

snowqu33n · 24/05/2021 02:52

I think in the UK men have a uniquely disordered sense of status born of class, male privilege, wealth, ability to entertain (wit, humor), professional respectability, nationality, race, physical attributes, etc. that is very difficult for women to negotiate with. Non-exhaustive list in order of what I feel is of importance.

I don’t think biology has much influence in comparison.

TomPinch · 24/05/2021 03:02

@snowqu33n

I think in the UK men have a uniquely disordered sense of status born of class, male privilege, wealth, ability to entertain (wit, humor), professional respectability, nationality, race, physical attributes, etc. that is very difficult for women to negotiate with. Non-exhaustive list in order of what I feel is of importance.

I don’t think biology has much influence in comparison.

Where are you comparing with?
snowqu33n · 24/05/2021 03:21

I have lived in other European countries, the USA, and Asia. I have dated men in all of these places in younger years. Also in different nations within the UK.
It’s my opinion, not a research project.

SilenceIsNotAvailable · 24/05/2021 03:30

@snowqu33n

I have lived in other European countries, the USA, and Asia. I have dated men in all of these places in younger years. Also in different nations within the UK. It’s my opinion, not a research project.
I think Mosuo men are a good prospect. Smile
TomPinch · 24/05/2021 03:38

@snowqu33n

I have lived in other European countries, the USA, and Asia. I have dated men in all of these places in younger years. Also in different nations within the UK. It’s my opinion, not a research project.
Just curious as it's quite a statement.
TomPinch · 24/05/2021 03:39

All of Asia? You get around Wink

I'm in no position to say you're wrong as I left the UK long ago.

snowqu33n · 24/05/2021 03:51

I don’t want to give too many details of specific countries as it is outing.

TomPinch · 24/05/2021 04:00

I would have said you could leave Bhutan off the list, but I'm not here to grill you.

snowqu33n · 24/05/2021 04:22

Straight in with the slut-shaming though

nancywhitehead · 24/05/2021 04:38

@Susie477

50%+ of ladies are only wanting guys in the top 10% (successful commercial lawyers, doctors, C-level guys)?

I think this is broadly true. Millions of years of evolution have made women choosy about their partners, so there is enormous competition for the top 10% of high-status men.

That inevitably leaves a lot of women who feel they are being forced to ‘settle’ when the top 10% are taken and they have to choose from the other 90% of men.

I find this idea that there is a "top 10%" of men really weird.

It sounds like you mean the richest 10%, who are in high-paying careers?

I don't think that necessarily equates to good Life Partner material.

I think the reason people can't find the right partner for them are many and complex, but it's not to do with "all the good ones being taken" or that only this mythical "top 10%" of men are coveted.

There is frankly no such thing, everyone is different and has different needs in a partner. A lot of the reasons people can't find a suitable partner are to do with what is going on for them internally.

nancywhitehead · 24/05/2021 04:42

I struggled for a long time to find a suitable partner, had some bad relationships etc.

As soon as I'd started to sort out what was going on in my own head, many things opened up to me, and all areas of my life improved. I found my now fiance in a very short space of time once I had let go of a lot of my internal issues.

There is no "shortfall" of men - there is only barriers that people have in their own heads. People often can't see what is right in front of them.

TomPinch · 24/05/2021 04:54

@snowqu33n

Straight in with the slut-shaming though
Straight in with the ad hominem.
Washingtofold · 24/05/2021 04:56

@nancywhitehead

I struggled for a long time to find a suitable partner, had some bad relationships etc.

As soon as I'd started to sort out what was going on in my own head, many things opened up to me, and all areas of my life improved. I found my now fiance in a very short space of time once I had let go of a lot of my internal issues.

There is no "shortfall" of men - there is only barriers that people have in their own heads. People often can't see what is right in front of them.

Oh yes indeed. So many women blinded by their own issues who simply can’t see the good men all around - except you of course LMAO

I guess all the reports of men harassing women, being porn addicts cheats etc the women are just delusional or let me guess ? It’s their fault for picking them
Luckily for them there will always be women like you to defend them though

Oreo01 · 24/05/2021 06:37

NoSilence - I understand. OLD is such a draining process. I've done for two years on and off and not sure I can be arsed if it doesn't work with the one I've started dating. I just don't know where I'd meet a woman in real.life in the group we are talking about. As part of a group Ive joined, like a running group, just seems too contrived and unless I stumble across someone in the supermarket or maybe on the odd occasion I'm out for a few drinks I just can't see it.

Im40 now and do wonder if I'll just bumble through my 40s whilst the kids grow up. Ill be 50 when my youngest is 16 and maybe it will be easier then.

It's more just some companionship than wanting a big commitment.

Gucci1961 · 24/05/2021 08:09

@nancywhitehead what nonsense. I"ve never been clearer about who I am. Nobody sees me "like that:. Im 50 so that chapter is over for me because it is too late. Im happy in my own company though so the suggestions upthread to ignore the fact that a man cant make conversation or that you're not attracted to him do make me laugh though. Some women really cannot be alone.

WandaLust101 · 24/05/2021 08:17

Whenever I speak to single male friends about online dating (or just dating in general) without fail they all complain about how difficult it is to date. From barely receiving any matches on the dating apps, to being ghosted, and all the rest of it.

I don’t think that finding dating tricky is a purely female experience. I think that finding a good match in general is hard.

nighttimeflowers · 24/05/2021 08:27

nancywhitehead

I struggled for a long time to find a suitable partner, had some bad relationships etc. As soon as I'd started to sort out what was going on in my own head, many things opened up to me, and all areas of my life improved. I found my now fiance in a very short space of time once I had let go of a lot of my internal issues. There is no "shortfall" of men - there is only barriers that people have in their own heads. People often can't see what is right in front of them*

Oh yes indeed. So many women blinded by their own issues who simply can’t see the good men all around - except you of course LMAO

I guess all the reports of men harassing women, being porn addicts cheats etc the women are just delusional or let me guess ? It’s their fault for picking them. Luckily for them there will always be women like you to defend them though

Both of these things are true. There certainly are people who have issues which mean they only date arseholes. I had one such friend. It was painful to watch her ditch men who treated her well and stick with men who treated her like shit.

There are also a lot of genuinely shit men.

Misty9 · 24/05/2021 08:42

It seems the one thing we all agree on is that online dating is part of the problem and not sufficient as the main mode of meeting new people.

Mumsnet dating perhaps...? Grin

cocoloco987 · 24/05/2021 08:54

I've just yet to come across one who doesn't turn out to be a sex pest. Every time I think I've found one with potential they start with the suggestive texts - next!

cocoloco987 · 24/05/2021 08:55

Oh and I don't have any internal issues - apart from not wanting sex texts or dick pics from someone I've never met or met once. Even when I've explained this they still happen!

User135644 · 24/05/2021 09:32

@altmember

All the good men are already taken. As are all the good women. That's just life - the good ones get taken off the shelf the quickest. The exception is that (with divorce rates being higher/marriage rates lower), people become single again. No matter how long they take to get back into the dating game, once they do, the best ones won't stay single for long.

Having said that, there are actually lots of good men out there, they just aren't exciting, extroverted or attractive enough to get noticed. I've got friends who've literally never had a relationship their whole lives, some of the nicest, most honest men I know. Maybe it's because of a lack of confidence, maybe it's a lack of desire, I don't know why exactly, but they've been single that long that I'm not sure there's any way back for them. Men in their 40's and 50's - financially and emotionally stable, the perfect batchelor's on paper, but I think they're probably undateable to be honest.

I've got two Uncles, one of whom has never had a relationship. He's a really great bloke, always taken care of his family but as far as I know has not so much as asked anyone out or had anyone take interest. The other one is similar but he met someone in his late 40's and got married. She died a few years later and he's now happily remarried.

A lot of good men just don't chase after women and can go unnoticed.

Original poster
DadAManger · 24/05/2021 10:04

@Washingtofold - am really not sure why you are so annoyed or bitter about nancywhitehead's comment.

So any woman that does not share your view that ALL men are porn obsessed, cheating, losers are "self-delusional?" Is that really your position? I take it you are not currently married or a parent - otherwise you would also be engaged in this hopeless self-delusion by having a man? Is it not possible that there are both porn-obsessed cheaters and good guys (and a whole spectrum in-between) in the male population of the UK? Very odd post by you.

-----------------------

nancywhitehead

I struggled for a long time to find a suitable partner, had some bad relationships etc.

As soon as I'd started to sort out what was going on in my own head, many things opened up to me, and all areas of my life improved. I found my now fiance in a very short space of time once I had let go of a lot of my internal issues.

There is no "shortfall" of men - there is only barriers that people have in their own heads. People often can't see what is right in front of them.
--
Oh yes indeed. So many women blinded by their own issues who simply can’t see the good men all around - except you of course LMAO

I guess all the reports of men harassing women, being porn addicts cheats etc the women are just delusional or let me guess ? It’s their fault for picking them
Luckily for them there will always be women like you to defend them though

OP posts: