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Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:27

@NeverDropYourMoonCup do you have a chip on your shoulder? I don't bully him and I'm not abusive. Not sure how you think I should have brought it up..

OP posts:
DazzlingHaze · 20/05/2021 22:28

You don't sound very understanding at all, OP and I feel sorry for your DH. It sounds as if he has tried because he wants to make you happy ie eating the healthy meals, going to the gym etc. You've also said he's not lazy but has been overweight for years. All of that coupled with the fact he's been secret eating points to him struggling with disordered eating. And in that case it's really not as simple as wanting to and deciding to lose weight. His eating could be tied up with a myriad of psychological issues.

You don't seem to have any empathy for him and only care that he is fat and unattractive to you. Having struggled with disordered eating all my life I know that would make me feel rotten and just fuel the vicious cycle of feeling down - eating to feel better - feel like shit for binging - eating to feel better etc etc. Add in a spouse who gets angry about your weight and finds you unattractive and it's far from the type of environment that someone would be able to overcome disordered eating and flourish in.

You're not happy and you're probably making him feel like shite. Let him go so you can both find more suitable partners.

MadButterflyLady · 20/05/2021 22:29

[quote xnowayout]@MrJollyLivesNextDoor Again, he isnt stressed and is very happy. If we broke up I'd love for him to find someone who makes him happy. Why wouldn't I want that?[/quote]
You're assuming he's told you everything about how he feels. Being overweight for me means I struggle with self eestee. That doesn't help me to lose weight it does the opposite. I eat more to get that brief break from mental and physical pain. If DH had ever made an issue of my weight, my self esteem would be non existent. I understand wanting a partner to be healthy, but you can't make change happen from the outside, it has to come from him and then you could be his supporter, but it won't ever work if the drive is coming from you.

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 20/05/2021 22:30

Why are you demonising being a bit fat? 6ft and 15stone sounds pretty normal. BMI is not a very good indicator, especially the taller you are. You overtly fatshaming him sounds soul crushing and forcing him into disordered secretive eating. Relax and order a pizza together!

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:30

I don't want to be harsh to DH but he is was very close to 16st and does have a belly and double chin. He can't run 20 meters without being out of breath.

OP posts:
Doomsdayisstillcoming · 20/05/2021 22:32

@xnowayout

I don't want to be harsh to DH but he is was very close to 16st and does have a belly and double chin. He can't run 20 meters without being out of breath.
You are over reacting OP.

At current the trajectory in the U.K, a BMI of 30 will be considered thin in 2040. Just keep him at his current weight and everything will be fine.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:33

I dont think I'm fat shaming. I'd love to sit down and order a pizza sadly that isnt going to solve the issue

OP posts:
TortoiseShed · 20/05/2021 22:33

This is going to sound a bit weird and arm chair psychologist of me, but, I'm just thinking, could it be that you are fixating on his weight because you just aren't in love with him anymore? You want out, so this is your way of getting out? Just a thought!

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:34

@Doomsdayisstillcoming Smile

It is a good job

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:36

I posted too early. D'oh

Do I do love him and want the best for him.

OP posts:
ToooOldForThis · 20/05/2021 22:37

OP I thought you'd get a pasting as I posted similar before and it didn't go well!
I get where you are coming from exactly, my dh has piled on the weight and I really am put off by it. Obviously it's not particularly attractive to look at, but actually what bothers me is the lack of effort...he used to be very slim and fit. And no there are no mental or physical reasons for it. He just eats and drinks too much of the wrong things. It's becoming a deal breaker here I'm afraid to say.

wheresmymojo · 20/05/2021 22:39

Well...if I was talking to your OH I'd tell him to leave you and lose 9.5 stone overnight 🤷🏻‍♀️

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 20/05/2021 22:39

Last post for me. But my BMI slipped from about 21 (6ft, 11stone-ish) to 22/23. So I started doing 16:8 like my wife does. Life changing. It’s freaking amazing. I’m still not as toned as I should be, and need to improve my fitness, but I feel so much better.

TortoiseShed · 20/05/2021 22:40

@xnowayout

I posted too early. D'oh

Do I do love him and want the best for him.

Loving him and wanting the best for him are not the same as being in love with him though. I love and care about lots of people. But I don't want to spend my life with them and live in the same house.
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:42

@ToooOldForThis Agree the mindset is doesn't help.

@wheresmymojo Not sure that's very helpful? He isn't going to leave anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:43

@Doomsdayisstillcoming well done! Smile

OP posts:
Miasicarisatia · 20/05/2021 22:49

you're in for a lonely old age as no-one will stay in prime physical condition as they get older, least of all you
it's true that we all decline with age but those who dont take care of themselves decline sooner and at a faster rate.
(caveat-I am speaking in general terms of course there are exceptions)
OP, you dont sound very deeply attached to him, I would seek out someone with whom you can form a deeper bond.
Also when a healthy person gets with someone who neglects their health, well... it's a safe bet who is going to end up being the carer and I'd avoid a relationship with someone who neglects for that reason

PeriMisabastard · 20/05/2021 22:51

OP you can’t get him to care about his weight in the same way you do. I have a similar concern about my expanding OH but I’d never dream of raising it with my partner because it’s a realisation he has to come to himself and he has to want to make the changes to his body & health himself. He might like his size and weight and then what do you do?

I’ve lost 10kg in the past few months and I understand when on a lifestyle change regime how evangelical you can become about it but honestly others dgaf about it or the health benefits.

You have to either accept him as he is or go find yourself a gym bunny who fits your aesthetic ideals.

DateXY · 20/05/2021 22:52

So no "better or for worse" in this marriage then Sad
The replies would be SO different if this was a man posting about wanting his wife to lose weight and wanting to leave her as a result!! I also wonder how many of the posters spurring the OP to break up her marriage are overweight themselves and are in relationships 🤔

Overeating also often has an underlying issue. He may be overeating due to stress or he could have an eating disorder. Therapy would be helpful for him.

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 20/05/2021 22:54

OP - sounds like you might be using the weight as an excuse to get out? A way of justifying to yourself that you tried everything. Is there someone else?

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 20/05/2021 22:56

I can understand your frustration OP, it's not what you signed up for and it sounds like you put the effort in to stay healthy and trim.

But, if you love him it seems extreme to leave him over it. It's also sad that he eats in secret as though he is worried about your judgement.

Keep focusing on healthy eating and an active lifestyle and make sure that he knows that you love him and want him to live a long, healthy life.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:57

@DateXY You never know, how would I find out?

@thebeachismyhappyplace2 Nope. I wouldn't do that and if there was someone else I wouldn't still be with DH.

OP posts:
teraculum29 · 20/05/2021 22:59

change need to come from him, you can not force him to diet and exercise.

RandomMess · 20/05/2021 22:59

I dislike it when DH overeats loads of crap because it says (to me) that he doesn't value himself and isn't willing to work on what would make him happier and would rather comfort eat himself into an early grave Sad plus the example to the DC

Sexually it was a turn off tbh.

He actually gave up Pepsi Max and made time to exercise he is much happier, still overweight but happier and healthier.

Don't think he'll ever work on his issues that make him comfort eat but that's his choice.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:59

@Talkwhilstyouwalk It's devastatingly sad, I don't feel like I can ever talk about it though because he gets so funny about it.

OP posts: