To resent DP for not working and being up all night

[bringbeer]

I work full time, get up at 6:30 and go to bed around 11. DP doesn't work, he receives disability benefits as he's depressed.

Despite being home all day, I have to nag him to do any housework. All he wants to do is play PlayStation.

Yesterday he woke me up at 4am when he came to bed and I lost it. He knows I have trouble sleeping, and I feel like he's not being considerate at all.

AIBU?

@Devlesko

What an awful thread, isn't it national mental health week? I'm so glad my dh doesn't feel like this, he's supportive and can't do enough to help, even though he's recovering from major surgery himself.

Don't marry him OP, because "In sickness, and health".

Our housework is really most basic atm, yet I manage to mumsnet and my other hobbies.
He must be really poorly if he's getting benefits, and I really hope the majority of posters on here aren't married.

To be fair, OP's partner sounds like a misogynist and I think that's part of why people have reacted so strongly.

She said this:

He's quite stuck on gender roles and already criticizes me for never cooking for him.

That is a way of speaking to a partner that I cannot fathom, even as someone who has periods of deep depression. His depression doesn't excuse his misogyny or lack of gratitude for OP's support.

Yes, it's awful that this woman's partner thinks her role in life is to skivvy for him whilst he stays up all night bloody gaming and wakes her up and makes her tired at work. It's national Don't Put Up with Misogynist Pricks week every week, OP. Get rid of him.

@Devlesko what do you think about him criticises her for not cooking for him, because she’s got a vagina?

I think she should leave him for this if she's going to, not for being ill, which is what his behaviour is showing.
I'm a bit like that when ill, I expect others to do things for me, especially dh, even when he's been working.
You don't always see your behaviour when mentally ill.
But hey, let's not waste an opportunity to man hate.

@Devlesko

I think she should leave him for this if she's going to, not for being ill, which is what his behaviour is showing. I'm a bit like that when ill, I expect others to do things for me, especially dh, even when he's been working. You don't always see your behaviour when mentally ill. But hey, let's not waste an opportunity to man hate.

You're very lucky. If he weren't there, who'd you have to do things for you? You'd have to crack on.

It doesn't make her a bad person at all if she leaves him because he's ill. She's not married to him, no one owes someone a relationship.

The OP herself says he has deeply entrenched ideas of gender roles, but don't let his misogyny get in the way of an attempt at a passive aggressive dig.

You expect others to do things for you. Not just men. And not just because they have a penis 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s a big difference.

I don’t hate men.
I unapologetically hate misogynistic plain nasty arseholes though.

OP, I have pretty debilitating chronic health issues - constant pain, chronic fatigue and MH issues as a result of those things. Don’t get any disability benefits (that’s another story).

I’m still up at 6:45 every day to sort my twins out for school, or earlier if they decide to wake up early. I still make their lunchboxes and make their dinner every day and take care of them after school and at weekends. I still have to do the housework. I don’t have the luxury of opting out of my responsibilities or expect DH to do everything on top of working full time.

I have a very part time job and around that I am trying to restart my small business, putting in as many hours as I can manage and making sure I also get the rest I need to be able to keep going. I’m also doing everything I can to improve my health or cope better with it.

Health issues are not a reason to opt entirely out of anything that isn’t fun and expect someone else to do it for you. He’s utterly taking the piss.

@Devlesko

I think she should leave him for this if she's going to, not for being ill, which is what his behaviour is showing. I'm a bit like that when ill, I expect others to do things for me, especially dh, even when he's been working. You don't always see your behaviour when mentally ill. But hey, let's not waste an opportunity to man hate.

Expecting people to do everything for you when your mental health is bad is of course very common, but it doesn't mean that a partner (male or female) should continue to do everything if their mental health is suffering as a result. Acting as a carer is incredibly tough especially when you also work a day job too, not everyone is cut out for caring and even those who are get carers fatigue and shouldn't be guilt tripped into making themselves ill. I'm not sure why you think it's related to the sex of either person in a couple, it's not about men vs women, it's about one person's mental health not trumping the other person's.

Try leaving a list each day of 3 or 4 jobs that need doing; nothing major, just basic jobs....hang the washing out, hoover one room in the house etc ....It will be annoying to do so I know but with a list it may be a bit more structured and he can tick jobs off as he does them.....see how he responds/copes with that simple regime. If you can't see any improvement in next few months then you need to seriously rethink this relationship...
Is this honestly how you want to live the rest of your life? It's your call. Although saying this...there are plenty of men who don't lift a finger to help around the house and they don't have the excuse of being depressed. In many ways housework is still seen by many as women's work, unfortunately.