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Original poster

To resent DP for not working and being up all night

159 replies

bringbeer · 13/05/2021 13:30

I work full time, get up at 6:30 and go to bed around 11. DP doesn't work, he receives disability benefits as he's depressed.

Despite being home all day, I have to nag him to do any housework. All he wants to do is play PlayStation.

Yesterday he woke me up at 4am when he came to bed and I lost it. He knows I have trouble sleeping, and I feel like he's not being considerate at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 21:45

@ToodleSquat

Sorry I don't agree with calling anyone a sack of shit or a waste of air. My post said OP is perfectly reasonable to end things and expect more but I don't think half the posts on this thread are necessary. My family member said and did some awful things in the midst of their depression. That doesn't mean OP needs to put up with it but to say someone suffering with depression is a waste of air is beyond me. A waste of air. Honestly.
Agree. This is awful. Sack of shit, waste of air, prick, free loading cock lodger, dosser, joker, waste of space. It’s like a competition to see who can abuse this man the most.
PyongyangKipperbang · 13/05/2021 21:50

Its amazing how many people can suffer "MH issues" but can get it together enough to do what they want to do, and only suffer when its something they dont want to do.

I have anxiety and depression after severe stress from work last year. I still work. I dont want to, but I do. I still cook, shop, clean (ish!) etc. I dont want to but I do.

I suspect that leaving this lazy arse sponger will mean a dramatic improvement in your own mental health because you wont be carrying him.

ToodleSquat · 13/05/2021 21:54

And I'm amazed by the people that go through every day appearing completely healthy; working FT, going out with friends, housework, cooking shopping, looking after their children and THEN commit suicide. Fucking hell, this thread is horrific.

felulageller · 13/05/2021 21:54

What on earth has happened to you to have such low self esteem to believe that this is what you deserve from a relationship?

Pinkpaisley · 13/05/2021 21:54

I’m pretty sure his therapist would advise him that good sleep hygiene is important for getting him over his depression.

Waking you is just not ok.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 21:58

In all honesty, I think being responsible fit small humans who would die without you is the strongest impetus (for me at least) to keep going.

My own well-being has suffered. I have self harmed. I have been suicidal.

But always, the biological need to provide for and protect my children is what's cut through everything else.

I'm not sure I'd be the same without my children as my beacon.

I have no idea why the op's dh/dp behaves like he does.

Even when depressed, I can play candy crush for hours, but can't do anything useful. Mental health is complex.

Gaming delivers massive dopamine hits.

You can game whist depressed.

This is not a simple either/or conversation

MNHQ
EstherMumsnet · 13/05/2021 21:59

We're just popping in to remind people to be kind and respectful. Thanks

CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 22:00

@ToodleSquat

And I'm amazed by the people that go through every day appearing completely healthy; working FT, going out with friends, housework, cooking shopping, looking after their children and THEN commit suicide. Fucking hell, this thread is horrific.
My brother did exactly tjat two weeks before Christmas. No one had a clue.
CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 22:01

@Pinkpaisley

I’m pretty sure his therapist would advise him that good sleep hygiene is important for getting him over his depression.

Waking you is just not ok.

Good sleep hygiene is difficult with depression. I agree he should not be waking her up though.
ToodleSquat · 13/05/2021 22:05

@CandyLeBonBon I'm so sorry for your loss. MH is so complex and it infuriates the crap out of me when people say oh they can do that, they can't be "that depressed".

MNHQ
EstherMumsnet · 13/05/2021 22:05

Hello again - we're moving this to the Relationships talk area as we're not sure AIBU is the right place for this.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 22:09

[quote ToodleSquat]@CandyLeBonBon I'm so sorry for your loss. MH is so complex and it infuriates the crap out of me when people say oh they can do that, they can't be "that depressed".[/quote]
Exactly. It's so easy to dismiss this.

I have been dismissed as 'attention seeking' when I had a breakdown, by a boss whose mother was diagnosed with bipolar.

She told me she knew what mental health issues looked like and I was blagging because her mother displayed different behaviours to me.

People are very rarely able to step back from their own narrative.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 13/05/2021 22:14

He's absolutely taking the piss out of you OP. Have you considered leaving him?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/05/2021 22:14

He's quite stuck on gender roles and already criticizes me for never cooking for him.

So he buys into the gender roles that mean women are expected to cook and clean.

But not the gender roles that mean men are expected to work and provide.

Just to be clear, all those gender roles are IMO outdated bullshit. It's just rather interesting he buys into the ones that mean he gets to make less effort than you and doesn't but into the ones that would mean he has to make more effort than he currently does...

Someone else's mental health does not trump your own. I have bipolar. I'm well medicated and very stable now.

If I stopped my meds and my behaviour became erratic or harmful, my partner would be right to be true to their own boundaries and prioritise their mental health by leaving me.

And that is the case both ways. Women are not rehabilitation centres for men.

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 13/05/2021 22:19

I can't believe people are excusing his behaviour and are insisting on being patronising by insinuating posters don't understand mental health.

Yes, everyone mental health differs. Her partner could have depression so bad, he couldn't work at one point....but then you get help. You get medication, you get therapy.
3 YEARS is well and truly taking the piss. Is he going to be like this for the rest of his life?
He has to get help but then again, if the OP is happy supporting him and playing wifey, he'll continue.

The OP is being a doormat. I would black bag him.

ToodleSquat · 13/05/2021 22:21

@CandyLeBonBon we have a long way to go when it comes to understanding MH issues. I'm sure this thread has been a difficult read for you (as it was me although you were more level headed than me Wink).

ToodleSquat · 13/05/2021 22:23

@MrsHastingslikethebattle

I can't believe people are excusing his behaviour and are insisting on being patronising by insinuating posters don't understand mental health.

Yes, everyone mental health differs. Her partner could have depression so bad, he couldn't work at one point....but then you get help. You get medication, you get therapy.
3 YEARS is well and truly taking the piss. Is he going to be like this for the rest of his life?
He has to get help but then again, if the OP is happy supporting him and playing wifey, he'll continue.

The OP is being a doormat. I would black bag him.

No one has excused his mental health issues. Almost everyone has said OP is absolutely reasonable to be unhappy and want more, irrespective, of his MH issues. There's a big difference to saying you deserve more OP to he's a waste of air sack of shit, and he can't be depressed if he can play PS and laugh.
CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 22:33

@MrsHastingslikethebattle

I can't believe people are excusing his behaviour and are insisting on being patronising by insinuating posters don't understand mental health.

Yes, everyone mental health differs. Her partner could have depression so bad, he couldn't work at one point....but then you get help. You get medication, you get therapy.
3 YEARS is well and truly taking the piss. Is he going to be like this for the rest of his life?
He has to get help but then again, if the OP is happy supporting him and playing wifey, he'll continue.

The OP is being a doormat. I would black bag him.

The Op Is quite within her rights to say to her dh/dp that she can no longer tolerate his behaviour.

Mental health issues, just like physical health issues, take their toll on partners.

However, just because you are choosing to believe that his mental health issues are a scam, doesn't make it so.

The op has the right to say 'enough', because she has lived with this situation.

You, on the other hand, have no leg to stand on, if you choose to assert that he should be over it by now.

That's not your call.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 22:35

[quote ToodleSquat]@CandyLeBonBon we have a long way to go when it comes to understanding MH issues. I'm sure this thread has been a difficult read for you (as it was me although you were more level headed than me Wink).[/quote]
It's been quite tough. And really very saddening, but not surprising,

Mental health problems have a use-by date

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 13/05/2021 22:36

Doesn't matter if he is depressed or just taking the piss you are not responsible for his happiness, only your own. My DSis put up with the same for years before kicking her ex into touch.

ToodleSquat · 13/05/2021 22:52

Honestly it's so awful and so sad @CandyLeBonBon. Don't get me wrong I don't fully understand MH problems but I don't assume to and I'd hope that I would show compassion to anyone rather than essentially saying they're making it up. My mum has suffered with depression on and off for as long as I remember. And for the most part you wouldn't even know. There's no right way or right amount of time to suffer with anything. Thank you sharing though, even though I know it must be tough. If I could give you a hug I would (mainly because I'm selfish and could do with one right now Smile).

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 14/05/2021 08:23

@CandyLeBonBon I dont think hes mental health issues are scam, hes scamming her. Theres a difference.
He could well be depressed but how is he getting help? How does staying up all night gaming and sleeping all day help? Having mental health is health and when people have health problems they get help.
3 years this has been going for. It's a joke, hes clearly not getting help just having OP and tax payers support him.

Then his sexist remarks about gender roles are the icing on the cake.

How anyone could be with this bum is beyond me.

IsItJustMeOrYou · 14/05/2021 08:38

It may be the case that the OPs own depression and anxiety would benefit from some space between her and her DP.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/05/2021 08:47

I really feel for anyone with mental health issues - as long as they are doing things to overcome them.

This guy doesn’t sound like he is
Leaving him would be in both your best interests. It would probably improve your mental health and also his because he will have to make more of an effort.

It doesn’t need to be a permanent break but long enough for you both to try a different way of working on your own health. Why not consider it?

PermanentTemporary · 14/05/2021 08:49

My dh was the perfect patient, took his meds, almost never had so much as a beer, did a couple of hours' exercise a day, went to bed at a reasonable hour, used apps, worked when he could both paid and creative, cooked, did other chores. He still became so ill that he took his own life.

Base this on what you need OP. You need to know that you won't be disturbed at night; either he comes to bed with you or he sleeps elsewhere. You need support to earn the money; what would help you? And can you find an activity you might both enjoy, reconnect again? Walking is the obvious one and the lowest stress. My dh and I had some walks and cycling trips which were just lovely and are very happy memories now. Two weeks before he died we were out on the South Downs Way enjoying the air and views.