To resent DP for not working and being up all night

[bringbeer]

I work full time, get up at 6:30 and go to bed around 11. DP doesn't work, he receives disability benefits as he's depressed.

Despite being home all day, I have to nag him to do any housework. All he wants to do is play PlayStation.

Yesterday he woke me up at 4am when he came to bed and I lost it. He knows I have trouble sleeping, and I feel like he's not being considerate at all.

AIBU?

He's quite stuck on gender roles and already criticizes me for never cooking for him.

Then he can get his “depressed” arse out to work and provide for the family like a decent man would.

I couldn't put up with that and the

'He is stuck on gender roles and criticises me for not cooking for me'

Stands out. Because if he was really stuck on gender roles he would be out working. Sounds a bit suspicious to me.

Anyway, I couldn't live with someone like that. I couldn't live with someone who did work but didnt lift a finger at home.

Maybe take the fuse out of the plug? Hide the controller? Give him nothing to do so he has to contribute to the household. Acting like a stroppy teen so maybe you have to treat him like one.

He sounds like a cocklodger. How can he be 'depressed' yet be able to spend time gaming (it's always gaming) yet not do the housework?

And how can he be so stupid that he has fixed ideas about what you should be doing, yet he fails to see that 'as a man' his traditional role would have been as breadwinner? If he wants you to be the little woman cleaning and cooking, then he has to earn the money. That's how it (used to) works.

His depresison seems very convenient for him. He sounds like a lazy, entitled, selfish git who only cares about himself and having an easy lfie, not you. What is the point of him?

What is he doing to help himself and his depression? Exercise, fresh air, eating heathily, mindfulness, counselling, medication?

@PermanentTemporary so sorry to hear this about your husband. 💐

Jesus. Why do you tolerate this? If he's well enough to game with his mates all
Night, he's well enough to get a job.

Is this the best you think you can do, OP? Honestly, move on from him.

@Cocomarine

For those who think his depression must be really severe to get benefits... of all the people I know receiving ESA / PIP, all but one has had to jump through hoops repeatedly despite really needing it, doing nothing but add to their stress. Bullshit appeals when they can obviously barely pick up a pan, so riddled with arthritis are they, for example.

But one extended family member takes the fucking piss - with “depression” and nobody - especially other family members with benefits understand how he manages it. But he does - and openly laughs about scamming the system. No, no-one has reported him because we’re all worried about lack of money going into the household impacting the kids. Tell me I’m wrong for not doing so, if you like. But don’t think for a moment it isn’t impossible that this guy is a scammer.

But anyway - even if he isn’t, I’d dump him for criticising the OP for not following her gender role for him 🙄 So it’s a bit of a moot point whether he’s actually severely depressed, and how that presents in different people.

You can be clinically depressed and a total fucking arsehole 🤷🏻‍♀️

This!!

“You can be clinically depressed and a total fucking arsehole”

The two things are not mutually exclusive.

You can have a relationship with someone without living together. How long has he been without work, I'm guessing he gave it up when he moved in with you. Can he go back to where he was before, it is not your responsibility to house him.

He sounds utterly awful. I can't see why you are staying in this relationship, he treats you like shit.

And how can he be 'hung up on gender roles' when he's not fulfilling HIS gender role of breadwinner? If you are supposed to cook and do housework, he's supposed to earn the money to support you! Obviously I don't support gender roles, I'm just pointing out his utter hypocrisy. Disgusting, sexist individual! Do better than him, OP!

It's not PIP, it's ESA. He has applied for PIP though.

That's almost certainly fraud then, if you're working. If you're only on a very low wage and part time then possibly not.

@AmberIsACertainty

It's not PIP, it's ESA. He has applied for PIP though.

That's almost certainly fraud then, if you're working. If you're only on a very low wage and part time then possibly not.

I don't think ESA or PIP are means tested?

I think he’d be better off with a job/volunteer and some structure to the day.
I don’t believe he cannot do housework and cannot get to bed.

I can't see any positives to your current relationship

Surely, life would be better on your own as a single person ?

Sorry I don't agree with calling anyone a sack of shit or a waste of air. My post said OP is perfectly reasonable to end things and expect more but I don't think half the posts on this thread are necessary. My family member said and did some awful things in the midst of their depression. That doesn't mean OP needs to put up with it but to say someone suffering with depression is a waste of air is beyond me. A waste of air. Honestly

Ahh yes, please remember ladies to #BeKind to misogynistic men who think it’s a woman’s job to skivvy for them. Poor loves. 🙄

Op your mental health and well-being is just as important as your DPs. You are not being unreasonable.

From the outside you seem to be putting much into this relationship. I hope that you feel that it is worth while.

Your DP's depression and lack of work are problems but so is his view that you should be doing all the domestic work. It seems that he does not take any responsibility for things like the laundry/cooking. (You are expected to nag him into it.)

This would be a serious consideration for me if I was weighing up my life with this man.

I left an abuser who also had depression, and who used his MH as a stick to beat me with.

So, I'd advise OP to leave as I don't think this will ever improve.

And if you don't have DC, then make sure your contraception is watertight. You really don't want to be having DC with this man. He won't step up and do his share, and you'll end up as a single parent anyway, in the end.

It sounds he had a deep seated belief that people with a penis don’t do housework. As one of the poster’s wrote up thread, what is the point of him?

@youvegottenminuteslynn ESA is means tested and your partners earnings are taken into account if you live with them. If your partner works more than 'X' number of hours or earns more than 'X' amount then you don't qualify on financial grounds regardless of how bad your health is. My guess is he's claiming to be single and living alone. PIP isn't means tested.

@LizJamIsFab

I think he’d be better off with a job/volunteer and some structure to the day. I don’t believe he cannot do housework and cannot get to bed.

Absolutely

[quote AmberIsACertainty]@youvegottenminuteslynn ESA is means tested and your partners earnings are taken into account if you live with them. If your partner works more than 'X' number of hours or earns more than 'X' amount then you don't qualify on financial grounds regardless of how bad your health is. My guess is he's claiming to be single and living alone. PIP isn't means tested.[/quote]
Ah maybe I've got mixed up and there are old style ESA payments - I was going off the info on the .gov page. It's a minefield isn't it? Im lucky to have been awarded PIP, it's been a huge help.

I have MH issues. I will spend a the energy I have to do the dishes or hoover because I respect my partner and want to make his life easier. He respects me for trying very hard. Something's get put off because I can't do it but I try. What is he doing to help his situation?

Nope he’s milking it. I have depression, anxiety and several health conditions. I still work full time and crash out when I’m home. However when I’m in my crash I’m not selfish towards my partner or the house. I do things but at a slower pace. He needs to sort his sleep pattern out for one otherwise he will never get out of it. The first thing the doctors said to me during my crashes was keep a routine and try not to get off it. Depression is a bastard to live with but you need to help yourself too not just ignore it.

What an awful thread, isn't it national mental health week?
I'm so glad my dh doesn't feel like this, he's supportive and can't do enough to help, even though he's recovering from major surgery himself.

Don't marry him OP, because "In sickness, and health".

Our housework is really most basic atm, yet I manage to mumsnet and my other hobbies.
He must be really poorly if he's getting benefits, and I really hope the majority of posters on here aren't married.