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Original poster

To resent DP for not working and being up all night

159 replies

bringbeer · 13/05/2021 13:30

I work full time, get up at 6:30 and go to bed around 11. DP doesn't work, he receives disability benefits as he's depressed.

Despite being home all day, I have to nag him to do any housework. All he wants to do is play PlayStation.

Yesterday he woke me up at 4am when he came to bed and I lost it. He knows I have trouble sleeping, and I feel like he's not being considerate at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SkyeIsPink · 13/05/2021 18:39

He's quite stuck on gender roles and already criticizes me for never cooking for him.

I only do it because the messiness makes my anxiety and depression worse.

This has my bloody boiling

He knows exactly what’s he’s doing doesn’t he. He doesn’t have to work and he doesn’t have to help around the house either.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2021 18:39

He's quite stuck on gender roles and already criticizes me for never cooking for him.

Yet he’s happy to have you supporting him? Gender roles my arse.

WillYouDoTheFandango · 13/05/2021 18:39

Quite stuck on gender roles? Like a man going out to work and supporting his partner? Or just the gender roles that mean he doesn’t have to wash his own pants?

CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 18:40

I'm impressed he's getting disability benefits fit depression. That's as rare as hen's teeth here. He must be pretty bad for PIP to be granted?

toocold54 · 13/05/2021 18:41

Stop doing things for him OP.
Literally stop washing, cooking, cleaning everything.
If he is well enough to play PlayStation he is well enough to shove a load of washing on. You are not his mum. What is the incentive for him to get better and go to work? You bring the money in and do everything around the house and he gets to play games all day and go to sleep/get up whenever he wants.

SheilaWilcox · 13/05/2021 18:41

@Bluntness100

He must have very serious depression op if he’s getting disability payments for it?
This was my thought too. My depression is pretty severe. Been on medication for years, had therapy etc. and I'm fairly sure I wouldn't qualify. I'm unable to work and thankfully supported by my husband.

Lots of judgement on here about what people can and can't do with depression, without acknowledging that everyone is different and it is called a disability for a reason.

However, OP, it does sound like a thouroughly miserable way for you to live. In your position, I think I'd want to know that my DP was doing what they COULD.

ToodleSquat · 13/05/2021 18:43

I was going to say the same as @Bluntness100 he must be seriously depressed to receive disability benefits? I'm assuming he is receiving help of some sort for his depression? And he sees playing PS as some way of escapism?

YANBU at all and he shouldn't be waking you up at 4am when he knows you have work. You would also be perfectly reasonable to not want to be with him, irrespective of his depression.

I do think people calling him awful names when they don't know him is wrong though.

Devon1987 · 13/05/2021 18:43

Sorry but he sounds like a lazy sack of shit who is making a mug out of you. Give yourself a shake as you deserve so much more then this loser is offering.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 18:45

@Devon1987

Sorry but he sounds like a lazy sack of shit who is making a mug out of you. Give yourself a shake as you deserve so much more then this loser is offering.
😱
CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 18:45

Same @SheilaWilcox - I was assessed for PIP last year in spite of severe depression snd another very unpleasant mental health diagnosis, plus mobility issues due to significant arthritis (awaiting a knee replacement it's so bad) and didn't get anything in spite of being under psychiatric care. So I'm slightly in awe really!

toocold54 · 13/05/2021 18:48

I'm impressed he's getting disability benefits fit depression. That's as rare as hen's teeth here. He must be pretty bad for PIP to be granted?

I know a couple of people who have depression. One is constantly on suicidal watch and doesn’t sleep, eat etc and doesn’t receive benefits but I also know someone else who goes to theme parks, goes to bars and clubs, plays PlayStation all day, cheats on his gf often and has gotten 2 women pregnant in the last 2 years etc and he gets benefits for depression - so I think sometimes a lot of people who do deserve it get it and some people who don’t do get it.

PriestessofPing · 13/05/2021 18:50

Lol if he was that stuck on ‘gender roles’ he’d not be sending his little wifey out to earn all the money for the last three years would he?

Zofloramummy · 13/05/2021 18:50

I have had several long term episodes of sickness related to depression and the hardest thing to manage symptoms was a lack of routine. Would he be willing to sit down and write a daily schedule that included exercise? Is he having any form of therapy? Medication alone will not change things significantly they just numb the void.

In terms of gender roles he needs a reality check, he is in a partnership and needs to recognise all of the things you already do not criticise.

shetlandponies · 13/05/2021 18:50

He is a waster and a piss taker

Absolutely no excuses couldn't give a shit if he's depressed. Not too depressed to play his stupid games is he

Please tell me you haven't got kids with this waste of air

1forAll74 · 13/05/2021 18:51

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TheGumption · 13/05/2021 18:53

@Bluntness100 think what you like. You'll be hard pushed to find any mental health professional that would recommend staying up all night, playing video games and contributing absolutely nothing to the household as a treatment for depression.
Some of us battle mental health problems while working, taking care of children and studying all whilst taking meds and engaging with mental health support teams. Behaving like a lazy teenager just isn't an option.

Original poster
bringbeer · 13/05/2021 18:59

@CandyLeBonBon

Same *@SheilaWilcox* - I was assessed for PIP last year in spite of severe depression snd another very unpleasant mental health diagnosis, plus mobility issues due to significant arthritis (awaiting a knee replacement it's so bad) and didn't get anything in spite of being under psychiatric care. So I'm slightly in awe really!
It's not PIP, it's ESA. He has applied for PIP though.
OP posts:
Icancelledthecheque · 13/05/2021 19:04

Yeah, he’s just lazy. If he can game, he can do housework. I say this as a “staunch gamer” Hmm with depression. Can assure you that housework requires less brain energy than gaming!

Have you ever told him how you feel? Or do you keep quiet so he continues to get away with having an easy life?

I’d genuinely tell him he does the housework when he’s off, and takes steps to help himself and address his sleeping pattern, or you/he moves out. He’s taking the piss and he needs to know it!

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 19:06

[quote TheGumption]@Bluntness100 think what you like. You'll be hard pushed to find any mental health professional that would recommend staying up all night, playing video games and contributing absolutely nothing to the household as a treatment for depression.
Some of us battle mental health problems while working, taking care of children and studying all whilst taking meds and engaging with mental health support teams. Behaving like a lazy teenager just isn't an option.[/quote]
No one is saying this is a recommended treatment, the issue, as I’m sure you knew was hurting abuse at a stranger and calling them a lazy sack of shit.

AmyLou100 · 13/05/2021 19:08

Agree with Coco. He is an adult with responsibilities and if he had no choice he would find a way to get things done. I would be pretty pisssed of at this, depression or not. He finds the energy and enthusiasm to stay up gaming and zero consideration to waking you up? Nah, that wouldn't work for me. I say this as someone who suffered very badly with depression, I still had respect for my dh to not take advantage of his support.

Cipot · 13/05/2021 19:18

Jesus, you are a better woman than me for putting up with this. A large percentage of the population have depression. They don't get well by gaming until 4am.

andivfmakes3 · 13/05/2021 19:19

Do you honestly believe he is depressed?

1FootInTheRave · 13/05/2021 19:20

Why are you with this loser.

Get rid and get sone self respect fgs.

partyatthepalace · 13/05/2021 19:23

You know you aren’t.

I don’t think he’s ‘stuck on gender roles’ I think he’s taking you for a mug who will let him act like a selfish 13 year old. Lots of what you describe has nothing to do with depression.

You need to look hard in the mirror and ask yourself why you are putting up with this - isn’t it time you left and got the life you deserve?

SheilaWilcox · 13/05/2021 19:23

YANBU to be pissed off.
None of us really know IF he COULD do more as depression takes so many forms.

If he is able to game, I wonder if he could take on some of the computer based 'life admin'?
Or maybe do stuff 'with' you at first.
Is there a chore that he likes or is good at that he can take responsibility for? Might be as simple as mowing lawn or cleaning one particular thing. At least it would be a start.

One of the symptons for me, is that I get so worried about doing things 'wrong' that it stops me doing anything. I find my own mindset mystifying as I used to live on my own and manage my house fine, but find I can't even book a window cleaner now without second guessing myself, so end up getting the phone number and asking my DH to call. And I hate myself for it. I KNOW how pathetic I'm being. Seeing the views on this thread just confirms it too.

@AmyLou100 put it well I still had respect for my dh to not take advantage of his support.

I owe my DH so much for putting up with me and I think in your position it would be my DH's attitude towards me that would be the make or break point.