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Original poster

To resent DP for not working and being up all night

159 replies

bringbeer · 13/05/2021 13:30

I work full time, get up at 6:30 and go to bed around 11. DP doesn't work, he receives disability benefits as he's depressed.

Despite being home all day, I have to nag him to do any housework. All he wants to do is play PlayStation.

Yesterday he woke me up at 4am when he came to bed and I lost it. He knows I have trouble sleeping, and I feel like he's not being considerate at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 13/05/2021 19:33

Depressed or lazy and taking you for a ride?!

ToodleSquat · 13/05/2021 19:35

I can't even book a window cleaner now without second guessing myself, so end up getting the phone number and asking my DH to call. And I hate myself for it. I KNOW how pathetic I'm being. Seeing the views on this thread just confirms it too.

You are not pathetic. Some of the views on this thread are awful and I'm lucky enough to not have suffered depression.

Sobeyondthehills · 13/05/2021 19:39

Just to add I was recieving PIP for mental health till the start of this year, it is certainly possible to get it for it, but you normally end up going to tribunal

TheGumption · 13/05/2021 19:40

@Bluntness100 except I didn't say that so take it up with that poster rather than quoting mine.

Joinedjustforthispost · 13/05/2021 19:46

Is be telling him either the spare bedroom or a couch for him if he insists on gaming past your bedtime, bollocks to the depression op I suffer terrible with it I’m on medication and receive cbt but I know he just sounds damn inconsiderate! He knows you are a light sleeper and knows he wakes you yet he chooses to not make any amendments like oh I’ve stayed up late i don’t want to wake op I think il sleep on the couch?

HerMammy · 13/05/2021 19:49

You can work up to 16 hrs per week and still claim ESA, he is not completely unable to work, he’s choosing not to. His MH won’t improve sitting on his arse in front of a playstation day and night.

Di11y · 13/05/2021 19:51

I'm gonna play slight devils advocate and say there's a big difference between gaming when your mind is on other things and taking care of the house. When my depression is bad I'm glued to my phone laughing at stuff on Facebook etc. It's not healthy but it's a mechanism for stopping my intrusive or depressive thoughts finding their way in - disassociation. Staying up late is not on though. He's never going to get better if he's not getting quality sleep.

Marty13 · 13/05/2021 20:01

Agree with everyone that you should consider leaving. It doesn't matter why he is behaving the way he is - the result is the same, you're not happy with him. So leave. You don't need permission. You don't even need a good reason. You just need to want to leave.

Honestly it does sound like he's taking you for a ride.

CaraherEIL · 13/05/2021 20:08

If you haven’t got kids I would leave, get your own place, cook for yourself, sleep. It sounds like bliss compared to what you are living with, I can’t believe on top of everything you are doing he is nagging you about gender roles and crashing around at 4 in the morning when you have to get up for work the next morning and he can doubtless sleep all day. Three years of the same, I would leave and have the chance of a different life with some support and some joy in it.

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 13/05/2021 20:12

OP, you mayswell get DOORMAT tattooed on your forehead

*unemployed for 3 years
*depressed enough that he cant do housework or work
*not depressed enough to sit for hours on his playstation and laugh with his mates til early hours
*disturbs you in early hours of the morning when you have work the next day.
*is 'stuck on gender roles' and wants you to do his laundry and cooking while the 'man of the house' doesnt work or provide for his family.

He really is taking you for a ride and hes using his depression as excuse. You have depression, you work. I have depression and anxiety which I'm medicated for and work 2 jobs.
3 years sat around the fucking house while you and the taxpayers support him.

Seriously your a fool.

And please tell me you dont want to procreate with him?

Morgan12 · 13/05/2021 20:13

He gets money for being depressed?

Who knew! Better get myself to the doctors along with half of the country.

Sillyduckseverywhere · 13/05/2021 20:15

I had one of those, he eventually moved on to the next sucker.
Get rid. He's not willing to help himself.
Mine was also hung up on gender roles. Which really meant I did everything. Absolutely everything whilst he sat in his pants playing games all day and whining about his back hurting.

Definitely LTB.

Cocomarine · 13/05/2021 20:23

Fucking gender roles?!!!!!!

What has happened in your life to lead you to accept this shit? 😳

As others have said - where is the gender role conviction when it comes to supporter a household?

So much bullshit.

Tell me this - if you dumped him, do you think his depression would be so severe that he wouldn’t be able to feed himself? Would it fuck. Bet he’d manage laundry too, if he had to to find another woman to scam.

Alexapissoff · 13/05/2021 20:24

He's quite stuck on gender roles and already criticizes me for never cooking for him.

Well if he’s that into “gender roles” he should be out working and you should be at home.

What a prick.

GammyLeg · 13/05/2021 20:25

He has no incentive to change - why would he, with you facilitating his lifestyle?

It’s depressing how many women I know in relationships similar to yours -not necessarily with a depressed DP, but an abusive one, or a lazy one, or just inept.

Society tells us it’s better to be in a relationship, at any cost. It’s simply not true.

Alfiemoon1 · 13/05/2021 20:46

What treatment is he receiving for his depression? What is he doing to help himself get better. How long have you been together what was his job before
I think he’s being taking you for a ride op and your depression and anxiety would ease if you left him. What does he or did he bring to the relationship

Cocomarine · 13/05/2021 20:50

For those who think his depression must be really severe to get benefits... of all the people I know receiving ESA / PIP, all but one has had to jump through hoops repeatedly despite really needing it, doing nothing but add to their stress. Bullshit appeals when they can obviously barely pick up a pan, so riddled with arthritis are they, for example.

But one extended family member takes the fucking piss - with “depression” and nobody - especially other family members with benefits understand how he manages it. But he does - and openly laughs about scamming the system. No, no-one has reported him because we’re all worried about lack of money going into the household impacting the kids. Tell me I’m wrong for not doing so, if you like. But don’t think for a moment it isn’t impossible that this guy is a scammer.

But anyway - even if he isn’t, I’d dump him for criticising the OP for not following her gender role for him 🙄 So it’s a bit of a moot point whether he’s actually severely depressed, and how that presents in different people.

You can be clinically depressed and a total fucking arsehole 🤷🏻‍♀️

Cakeofdoom · 13/05/2021 20:55

I work in mental health, have had significant mental health issues since late teens and I have never not worked - even after 2 serious suicide attempts. Two weeks off and I had to go back to work to feed my kids. I was holding down 3 jobs at that point.

I could probably persuade the DWP i'm not well enough but sitting on my arse all day will make me worse and more isolated.

He's a freeloading cock lodger who could work if he wanted to, he doesnt have to as you are enabling him i'm afraid.

Gilead · 13/05/2021 21:03

I did this for 23 years. He was depressed, but not too depressed to do whatever he wanted to do, including the 4 in the morning trick. And yes it’s a trick, if you’re ground down and tired you’re less likely to argue and are easier to control.
He never did the school run in that time, never did a packed lunch, a wash load, a shop.
Get out whilst you can and live your life.

ToodleSquat · 13/05/2021 21:07

@Cocomarine that makes me so sad. Not that you're wrong, just how unfair that is. A family member (trying not to be outing) worked FT. Didn't look after her children but still worked. She committed suicide. I just presumed, as she got zero support, that they must be suffering even worse it get support.

However, we don't know enough about OP's partner to say he's a sack of shit or a waste of air.

Cocomarine · 13/05/2021 21:12

@ToodleSquat why do you say we don’t know enough about him to say he’s a sack of shit?

He criticises her for not cooking enough for him, because: gender roles.

If that not enough for you to declare “sack of shit”? It is for me 🤷🏻‍♀️

TeamMummy · 13/05/2021 21:28

Sounds like he's been living the dream for the past three years, getting paid to play on a PS all day

Is he actually taking any steps with his depression?

I'd suggest him sleeping downstairs or in another bedroom

Sounds like a dosser tbh

ToodleSquat · 13/05/2021 21:40

Sorry I don't agree with calling anyone a sack of shit or a waste of air. My post said OP is perfectly reasonable to end things and expect more but I don't think half the posts on this thread are necessary. My family member said and did some awful things in the midst of their depression. That doesn't mean OP needs to put up with it but to say someone suffering with depression is a waste of air is beyond me. A waste of air. Honestly.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 21:42

[quote TheGumption]@Bluntness100 except I didn't say that so take it up with that poster rather than quoting mine.[/quote]
I did. You were the one who answered instead of them.

Coldwine75 · 13/05/2021 21:43

On benefits for depression and doesn't work? What a joke. Lots of people suffer and still work inc my husband. Hes a waste of space