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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
Namechange199x · 13/05/2021 13:49

My DH is like that. I can’t even pop to local shop without him moaning and nagging.
Also when I once in a blue moon go out with friend to Harvester ( once in 2 years!) he says ok, I can go but on the day he becomes difficult and shouty, telling me I’m gonna have nice food etc, so I’m selfish and he poor DH will have just beans on toast, apparently how fair is that?
He goes out every weekend playing golf, having a meal at golf club..
I never go out really.

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 13:50

A woman I know went on a hen do where one of the attendees brought a baby along.

This was because her husband was unwilling or "incapable" Hmm of looking after their child overnight.

Everyone naturally was incredulous, and thought he just be an absolutely useless test and their relationship could not be decent.

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 13:50

*useless twat

Miasicarisatia · 13/05/2021 13:51

His deliberate incompetence and refusal to parents his children sends a message that if you go out they will suffer... in other words he is holding his own children hostage
'Defy me and the kid gets it'

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 13:52

Another group probably would've told her not to come but that group/hen was very kind and just put up with it.

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 13:52

@Namechange199x

My DH is like that. I can’t even pop to local shop without him moaning and nagging. Also when I once in a blue moon go out with friend to Harvester ( once in 2 years!) he says ok, I can go but on the day he becomes difficult and shouty, telling me I’m gonna have nice food etc, so I’m selfish and he poor DH will have just beans on toast, apparently how fair is that? He goes out every weekend playing golf, having a meal at golf club.. I never go out really.
This is as angering as op's post.
Miasicarisatia · 13/05/2021 13:53

@Namechange199x

My DH is like that. I can’t even pop to local shop without him moaning and nagging. Also when I once in a blue moon go out with friend to Harvester ( once in 2 years!) he says ok, I can go but on the day he becomes difficult and shouty, telling me I’m gonna have nice food etc, so I’m selfish and he poor DH will have just beans on toast, apparently how fair is that? He goes out every weekend playing golf, having a meal at golf club.. I never go out really.
You know this isn't right and you deserve a better life, people on here will help and support you if you ask 🙏💙
MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 13:54

I can go but on the day he becomes difficult and shouty, telling me I’m gonna have nice food etc, so I’m selfish and he poor DH will have just beans on toast, apparently how fair is that?

There are things called food shops and take outs and restaurants. Has he never heard of any of them. Millions of kids taken to McDonald's and burger king and nandos Etc every day ... But he can't manage to.

He can spend money on other stuff though, can't he.

It's illogical, irrelevant nonsense and you know it.

BurbageBrook · 13/05/2021 13:55

It’s abuse, OP. Pure and simple.

FuckyouCovid21 · 13/05/2021 13:55

Fuck him, firstly I wouldn't be asking and secondly if he objected he'd be told to get to fuck and I'd go anyway

TokyoSushi · 13/05/2021 13:55

Ah OP, this is really sad. You're just going to not go, aren't you?

This is absolutely no way to live, I'd honestly seriously consider leaving.

namechangemarch21 · 13/05/2021 13:55

For a second I assumed he might have his reasons to be super worried about covid, but based on what you've said, you need to be planning to leave him. Its not healthy, not normal - at a minimum you need to make it clear you're going anyway, and his response will tell you all you need to know about the relationship.

But I do question how vulnerable you are - financially, do you have all the info you need, are you reliant on him?

Lightswitchesoffatnight · 13/05/2021 13:56

@Paintedpets

I was nervous about asking because I was pretty sure this would be the response. I’ve not asked before on the odd occasion of being invited to something that would mean an overnight stay away. I just really fancied it, post lockdown and having not seen my friends for a year.
You don't ask, you tell.
Lorw · 13/05/2021 13:57

Just go, and tell him he will have to look after the children, I would just be like ‘byeeeeeeee’. Turn your phone off and don’t worry about it, he’s an adult, he will work it out Wink

aSofaNearYou · 13/05/2021 13:58

You're normalising behaviour here, he sounds like an absolute arsehole and yes you should 100% leave him. This is not normal or acceptable.

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 13/05/2021 13:58

Seriously?!?!? Why does he get to tell you what you can and can't do??
My DH wouldn't dream of dictating to me. I always ask out of courtesy, not because I need permission, but to be sure it won't clash with anything he's planning. But I go away with a friend, or group of friends once a year.

Horehound · 13/05/2021 13:59

@Namechange199x so why stay with him?

Miasicarisatia · 13/05/2021 13:59

@FuckyouCovid21

Fuck him, firstly I wouldn't be asking and secondly if he objected he'd be told to get to fuck and I'd go anyway
I would feel the same but she knows that if she goes he will be unkind to the children or neglect them they may come to some harm and she will feel guilty The reason he's doing it is that he knows he has her over a barrel. It might be best to just humour him in the short-term but make decision in the longer term to plan your escape OP?
ElizabethTudor · 13/05/2021 14:00

@Paintedpets

Money isn’t a concern. He says it isn’t safe. When pushed. But he won’t discuss it. Not going, you’re not going, not happening.
How is it safe for him to go, but not you? I’m not understanding his (obviously extremely flawed) logic here? So I’d be pointing this out to him, and saying I don’t live in a one rule for you, another rule for me household. So either you don’t go out / stay away next weekend. Or else, you do and do am I. Fair’s fair.
TrueRefuge · 13/05/2021 14:00

This is so depressing to read. They are HIS children, right? So why is he being such a lazy arse? The hypocrisy of him going away but you not being allowed to.... The fact he can't look after his own children. The fact you say "I don't like confrontation, it's not him, it's my fault"... you can't even see the dynamic you're both creating and that he's equally (if not more) as culpable as you. How dare he accuse you of wanting to cheat because you want to spend a night with your friends??

What would you say if your friend or daughter or niece told you this? I really hope you can find the strength to just go and deal with his pissed-off-ness. Teach him how to look after the little ones before you go away. If he can't be trusted to look after his own children for one night, then why be with him? Seriously?

You cannot live like this for the rest of your life; your partner being a half-parent (that's being generous...) and controlling your spare time. It is 2021. You are worth so much more than this, and this is NOT the relationship you want to be teaching your children. That's a fact.

I'm sorry, I'm just so angry on your behalf. I'd recommend doing the Freedom programme and finding your anger. And going on that night away, without a doubt.

Cockenspiel · 13/05/2021 14:01

OP, you came on and asked this question for a reason and I think you know that this is very wrong and controlling. But by your own admission, you sit back and accept it.

Personally, I don’t really buy into the whole ‘mum guilt’ trope about not going away for a night or two because the ‘D’H will need strict instructions and the kids won’t cope without me - unless you’re breastfeeding, I t’s just a huge load of bollocks that you’re feeding yourself in order to justify why you’ve stayed in a relationship with a controlling prick and shrugged off having any sort of life of your own.

The bottom line - your kids will potentially grow up to believe that women and mothers are feeble and passive and should be treated like 2nd class citizens (by men) with no agency outside of the home or they will wonder why you’ve been so weak.

Do you not think you deserve respite, time with friends, enjoyment? Or is your life only about serving your husband and keeping him happy (AKA wiping his big baby arse).

What sort of life are you expecting to have when the kids fly the nest? Are you ready to wake up to this 1950’s patriarchal bullshit and call it out yet?

Probably I am being harsh here, but I genuinely can’t fathom why so many women reduce themselves so much to make space for selfish, sexist pricks. You get one life!Confused

Meruem · 13/05/2021 14:02

Lots of women live this way, I was one of them. Either they forbid you to go full stop and it’s not worth the row, or they sabotage you some other way. If you do go, you get full on strops, silent treatment for days or some other “punishment”. I got out and am a million times happier for it. I would never ever allow someone to control me again.

OP this will never get better. At the moment the sticking point may be the DC but mark my words, even when they get older you still won’t get your freedom back. Now he knows he can control you, he won’t give that up. No way.

Really think long and hard about whether you want this to be your life. It’s not about one night away. It’s about having control over your own life.

Gilly12345 · 13/05/2021 14:02

Mmm not good, so it’s ok for him to go out and stay away for the night but not you?

I would discuss this further, are you married? Has this happened before?

CoelacanthSharpener · 13/05/2021 14:04

Absolute deal breaker for me.

I'll admit that I am unusual, as DH and I do more things apart than most couples - for example, I've just got back from a week's holiday on my own pursuing a hobby - and I realise most couples aren't like that, but even so. An adult does not get to tell another adult what they are/aren't allowed to do.

OP you say you're not the sort of person to just go anyway, but for your own happiness I think you need to take steps towards becoming that person. And personally I'd be walking away from this man if he can't alter his controlling behaviour.

Time to start making yourself more of a priority OP.

ElizabethTudor · 13/05/2021 14:04

@Paintedpets

Pre dc I used to visit friends from uni who lived in different places and it was never an issue. It was different though, I’d have been more inclined to go anyway even if he’d said no because I’d no dc to worry about. Now I’m a bit 😩 about leaving him with the dc overnight anyway, simply because he’s never done it and doesn’t do it generally (bedtime, bathtime etc) which is fine for the eldest but not for the youngest. If he’d just said yes, fine, no worries, dc and I will miss you but we’ll get a film / pizza etc it would have been different.
But if you don’t start doing it, he’s never going to learn how to do it. They are his children. He should be perfectly capable of looking after them for one night.