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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
wigjuice · 13/05/2021 13:29

At the time it really should have been. I stupidly put up with it and more for too long. I never realised how much he had caged me till I left.

Echobelly · 13/05/2021 13:29

Not his fucking decision.

Packitupwillya · 13/05/2021 13:30

Why would you not just go anyway? What would the penalty be if you were to do that?

Evergibbon · 13/05/2021 13:31

NO just NO - tell him you weren't asking you were telling him... Don't be a walk over.

Miasicarisatia · 13/05/2021 13:31

What will be the consequences for disobeying this man?

Fashionesta · 13/05/2021 13:32

Also curious about what pp said. What will happen if you just book and go, making sure he is there for DC of course. I'd never in a million years stay with someone who didn't let me go away with my friends now and again.

Original poster
Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:33

I’m not sure, it’s not in my nature to just go anyway. Plus he’d need step by step child instructions. Not for the eldest but there are smaller ones as well.
I’d be too worried to just go anyway, he’d be pissed off. That’s a reflection on me not him though, I don’t like confrontation and will back down.

OP posts:
sunnyblackwidow · 13/05/2021 13:33

I wouldn't have asked him, I'd have told him I'm going.

Why can he do this, but not you?

Ridiculous and no way to live.

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 13:33

He should be able to look after his kids for a night, especially given he expects you to do so while he stays over for a night/s.

If a man expects a woman to never stay over and never expect him to look after kids on his own especially whole he does that himself then it's a fundamentally unfair/unequal relationship and yes, the woman would be better leaving. (Ironically he'd have to look after his kids on his own overnight if she left, unless he refused to have them overnight, which is obviously extremely shitty parenting).

On the subject of him accusing you of wanting to meet someone else/hook up with someone else ... So the same is true if him then? That must be his reason for a night out separate from you.

Ridiculous, extreme, untenable attitude.

Can't get a night out with mates without being accused of wanting to cheat or intending to cheat .... But somehow he can go out.

He's mental.

He needs psychological help ; not that it will help, this is a values problem.

I'm surprised you've only seen this since having kids. Was he really not like this in any way before kids?

RestingPandaFace · 13/05/2021 13:33

My advice is probably useless as I can’t imagine being in a relationship with that dynamic, but for what it’s worth and if you feel safe to I’d probably raise it again and say something like. You know you are going out and staying away on x night. I’m doing the same on y night. If he objects or argues or anything I’d just say I’m telling you not asking. We’re both grownups who deserve the same freedoms.

If he really pushes it I think I would seriously consider leaving as it’s not going to get better is it!

SeaShoreGalore · 13/05/2021 13:34

See I would have loved it if my ex had been so open as this - it would have been a clear line in the sand and I would have left him straight away.

Instead he would agree to such things, but then spoil them for me in subtle ways - much harder to fight against!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2021 13:35

Your husband and marriage sound like a total nightmare. Take the blinders off and get away from this useless, controlling man.

Miasicarisatia · 13/05/2021 13:35

In a way I hope this is a wind-up, or it's an abusive man looking for clues as to how to keep a woman under control.
No offence OP but I find it hard to believe that anyone would tolerate being treated like this, a partner saying 'no way not happening I won't discuss it', this is the behaviour of an authoritarian parent, who wants to be in a 'relationship' like that!

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 13:35

Plus he’d need step by step child instructions.

Ah there's a word for that - intentional incompetence or convenient incompetence or something.

V common in men who don't want to do child care or housework.

No man pulling their weight at home outside working hours should need step by step instructions for looking after his own kids.

Sounds like he's been let away with not pulling his weight.

CrazyNeighbour · 13/05/2021 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horehound · 13/05/2021 13:36

Cool so just accept it then that you're being controlled.
Why ask if it's a deal-breaker! It sounds like it's going to be such a hassle for you to go and that you don't like confrontation so you're not going to go anywhere. I can't see you splitting with him if you can't have one night away.
Sorry if this is blunt but it seems the writing is on the wall.

lastqueenofscotland · 13/05/2021 13:36

OP please don’t let your children grow up thinking it’s normal for men to be on complete control of women. It’s really not healthy and may damage their ability as adults to form romantic relationships

HappyWipings · 13/05/2021 13:36

I did leave exh over this type of behaviour. For example , he made a such a fuss about me wanting to have a hen weekend in another uk city that I decided to not go. He , however went to Amsterdam for several days for his stag weekend. I was young and shouldn't have accepted this. You live and learn.

I'm sorry that you're going through this op , but imagine a lifetime of this nonsense. Is that what you want for yourself?

Original poster
Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:36

Pre dc I used to visit friends from uni who lived in different places and it was never an issue.
It was different though, I’d have been more inclined to go anyway even if he’d said no because I’d no dc to worry about.
Now I’m a bit 😩 about leaving him with the dc overnight anyway, simply because he’s never done it and doesn’t do it generally (bedtime, bathtime etc) which is fine for the eldest but not for the youngest.
If he’d just said yes, fine, no worries, dc and I will miss you but we’ll get a film / pizza etc it would have been different.

OP posts:
Miasicarisatia · 13/05/2021 13:36

@Paintedpets

I’m not sure, it’s not in my nature to just go anyway. Plus he’d need step by step child instructions. Not for the eldest but there are smaller ones as well. I’d be too worried to just go anyway, he’d be pissed off. That’s a reflection on me not him though, I don’t like confrontation and will back down.
This is why he chose you you make an easy victim and he's been working on you ever since to make you compliant, you can learn to fight back
Horehound · 13/05/2021 13:36

@Miasicarisatia

In a way I hope this is a wind-up, or it's an abusive man looking for clues as to how to keep a woman under control. No offence OP but I find it hard to believe that anyone would tolerate being treated like this, a partner saying 'no way not happening I won't discuss it', this is the behaviour of an authoritarian parent, who wants to be in a 'relationship' like that!
Ms too. I have reported just in case.
MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 13:37

And yes, agree with all others; it shouldn't have been a question.

It should have been "I'm going/doing .. blah blah on blah date"

Gazelda · 13/05/2021 13:38

OP, do you have any other examples of his controlling behaviour? Or incidents that made you question it in your own mind?
Not that this excuses his behaviour in this instance, but I'd be interested (and unsurprised) to hear of other examples. If we can help you see a pattern, it might help you focus your thoughts.

Whoarethewho · 13/05/2021 13:38

So long as you are funding it yourself anybody can do whatever they want. I would love to see my partner say I can't go away for a night and see where it gets them.

HappyWipings · 13/05/2021 13:38

Also, if you split , you'll probably get entire weekends free to shop and dine with friends. I honestly had so much fun post divorce , once the dust had settled.