If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

[Paintedpets]

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

[Paintedpets]

No, he’s ok about me going out in the evening with friends.
He’s controlled me to a point by not taking anything on with the dc, they are always my responsibility. This makes it tricky. If I wanted to take up a hobby in the evening for example, it wouldn’t be easy because of his lack of willingness to sort the dc.
However, I generally don’t ask for much. I’m usually here, at home.

[Mylittlepony374]

This is really sad. What kind of message are your DC getting if their dad is so controlling of their mum?
This isn't even about a night away to me. It's about you needing to consider leaving a controlling husband.

[SeaShoreGalore]

He wouldn’t need step by step instructions! So long as he’s not going to kill them they’ll be fine overnight whatever happens. He can put some age appropriate food in front of them cant he?

[SunshineSuxx]

Who made him King of all decision making??

You did, OP.

[TheCrowening]

I wouldn’t consider splitting up, I’d already be gone.

[MarshmallowAra]

And unless there was a truly valid reason for you not going on that date ... It shouldn't be a conversation/debate.

(Not that it is - it's a dictate from, as a poster above said, someone who thinks they are an authoritarian parent or ruler).

What is it Lundy Bancroft said in his book - the home of an abuser is not a democracy,bits a little dictatorship, a little autocracy, and anything that threatens that little autocracy, with the man as autocrat, results in anger/rage, punishment, stone walling, coercion, manipulation .. every tactic they can throw out to get and keep control.

[SpottyOrange]

Yeah, fuck that shit. He's an arse. You need to get out.. Safely. He sound like he'd make any split extremely difficult so you need to be strong. You are stronger than you think.

[onlymyselftoanswerto1]

Yeah this is something that heavily contributed to me leaving my husband, he thought nothing of going away on a few golf and motorbike holidays a year (usually over my birthday 🙄) and out most weekends but when my sister and mum asked me to go away with them for a week he couldn't possibly look after the (2 easily managed) children. It was at that point I realised just how little my life meant to him and how I was just there to be his housekeeper and nanny.

[DrFoxtrot]

To answer your title question, yes, I absolutely would split up with him over this. For all the reasons PP have mentioned above.

[Dashel]

No way, unless there is a very specific genuine reason, what’s good for one is good for the other.

I think you deserve a break for once and it makes me concerned that there is more going on here.

[Angelil]

I'm sorry WHAT? Deal breaker for me. My husband does not get to tell me what to do.

[camaleon]

This is not a good relationship and I am sure this is not the only sign. It is really bad and you should plan how to get out of this situation. I would probably avoid conflict about this night out, and start planning a real exit.
Really sorry you are in this situation.

[HeyDemonsItsYaGirl]

How old is your youngest? Young enough to be in physical danger if your useless husband neglects them?

[CornishGem1975]

Err yeah I'd be looking for a way out.

My DP doesn't not own me, or tell me what to do. I would call him a prick and go anyway. What's he going to do about it?

[mindutopia]

I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with someone like that from the start, tbh. But yes, it would be a deal breaker. I go on several holidays a year by myself and leave dh at home with the dc (dh also goes away with friends a few times a year). I'm going away in June for 5 nights, in fact, after not having been away on my own since December 2019, COVID and all.

But really dh would just never have ended up married to me if that's the attitude he had. I would have put him off from the start because it's very clear no one is telling me what to do.

Sorry for you, but yes, it's very controlling. I would just go anyway.

[MarshmallowAra]

He’s controlled me to a point by not taking anything on with the dc

That's not a fair relationship.

He should be pulling his weight outside work.

From the fact that you say he wasn't opposed to you having nights out staying over before you had kids, it seems like he's mostly not the jealous, paranoid, controller .... Just that he'll say pretty much anything to prevent you from leaving him with the kids fir an extended period/overnight, including accessing you of being immoral/promiscuous/on the pull. I suppose he knows that'll manipulative you into not going - because he's made it "if you go, I'll know you're on the pull, I'll know you don't care about this marriage etc etc".

Holy phuck, that is one man who's desperate not to take responsibility for his own kids overnight.

[CombatBarbie]

What would happen if you were hospitalised with appendicitis of something and didn't have chance to write step by step instructions. You either need to stand up to him and tell him your equals or make plans to leave.

[TheThermalStair]

A nice parent, even if they weren't fully clued up on looking after the kids, would say "yes, that'll be lovely for you. I might need the latest on X's bedtime routine or what foods they are/aren't eating at the moment before you go though!"

OP I think you know in your heart that he isn't worried about looking after the kids. He either can't be arsed to take care of his own kids (less work for one evening than I bet you've already done today and every day), or more likely he just doesn't want you having a life away from him. My partner had an ex like this and now every time he wants to go out he keeps offering to cancel and stay home with me in case I'm upset (I'm not!!!), it's really sad.

I hope you laughed in his face when he suggested you were planning an affair?

[MarshmallowAra]

*accusing you

[chillied]

You must know that this is not normal behaviour (from him) in a relationship.

IF you don't want to go as far as breaking up yet, you could start making the real reasons for his bullying really visible.

e.g. 'I know you won't want to look after the kids on your own so I've asked my mum/sister/friend to stay the night as babysitter while I go on this trip to see my friends'

Then it embarrasses him that he won't engage with the kids and it means he has to behave well in front of your chosen babysitter.

[MidnightHangingTree]

I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I had to ask permission to do things, rather than letting DH know my plans as a courtesy/checking we weren't doing anything on a specific date already.

It is really not normal, especially if he is going out and doing exactly what you are 'not allowed' to do.

What would he do if you went anyway?

[Taikoo]

You need to get a divorce.

[Fashionesta]

Why did you have more DC with this useless waste of space when he clearly does no parenting? Surely from DC he was showing his true colours if he doesn't do bath, bedtime etc.

[QforCucumber]

If my husband said that to me yes I would consider that the beginning of the end, we have been together 10 years and while neither of us have stayed away regularly we have Yes stayed away for nights with friends with no repercussions.

[ProfessorPootle]

He’s not your boss, it’s not his decision. If he can’t understand that I’d definitely split. Both my dh and I have wknds away, the other one looks after kids. He goes away more than me as his family are overseas and he often goes to visit but in return he pays for my weekends away and spa breaks with my sisters and friends.