Dating thread 204 - surfing the SeaofTwits

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Hi guys, I want to cancel my date for later as (think I called him Mr Surgeon up thread), he has been crap at messaging all week, starting with convos and then just leaving me hanging before replying. His last message is 6pm last night where he'd asked me specific stuff and acting all keen... We're sposed to be meeting late afternoon whatever that means and we were going to play it by ear with the weather but I just can't be arsed at this point

I want to call out his crap communication but theres probably no point. I need to set a boundary with myself though that if someone doesnt make firm plans they aren't worth bothering with.. I don't want to get myself all ready and potentially get rained off anyway when I don't even feel excited about him

Not sure what to say to leave it casual.. Maybe just "hey, the weather is looking really bad, shall we rearrange?" and then leave it to him?

@BelladiMamma - thanks for saying that. You sound like my friend who is always telling me off for speaking negatively about myself . She says ‘you wouldn’t talk to a friend like this don’t talk to yourself in that way!’ I know she’s right, and you are too.

I see the thread about being happy single - and you know I wish I was. But I am very independent, solvent, self sufficient and love my own company - I’m an introvert - I just miss a (part time) man. The odd date , a cuddle, someone to hold my hand , sex (occasionally would be nice).

But yes , when the cinemas open up I may well book myself a film when my DD is at school and do a solo date there . I’ve never been to the cinema alone so that’ll be a first for me!

@Bbub, my least favourite thing to be feeling is in any kind of mental limbo. Rather than suggesting straight off that you postpone the date, why don’t you do the check in , reference the weather and ask him what he wants to do?
@GaraMedouar I absolutely agree with @BelladiMamma , you really don’t have to accept the best of a bad bunch. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting someone to complement your life. We’re all cut from a different cloth and I know that so far my preference has been to be in a RS. I rarely get the feeling on the thread that any of us need a man or woman in our lives but I feel happier when there is someone special around to share things with.

[quote Bbub]@onwardseverstridingonwards
Hope your call with Mr Bookworm goes well![/quote]
Thank you @Bbub ❤️

@Onesmallstep67 - yes I’d agree with that entirely. It’s just the icing on the cake I suppose.
Wanting to have a special someone - (in a different house though !!!)

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - yes hope call is good - it all sounds really positive for you

@Bbub - sounds really irritating and you’re left hanging. You haven’t got a meeting time or place planned as yet? Maybe just check in asking how he feels about today with the weather. Although I know what I’d do - which is nothing - and leave it up to him…..

[quote GaraMedouar]@BelladiMamma - thanks for saying that. You sound like my friend who is always telling me off for speaking negatively about myself . She says ‘you wouldn’t talk to a friend like this don’t talk to yourself in that way!’ I know she’s right, and you are too.

I see the thread about being happy single - and you know I wish I was. But I am very independent, solvent, self sufficient and love my own company - I’m an introvert - I just miss a (part time) man. The odd date , a cuddle, someone to hold my hand , sex (occasionally would be nice).

But yes , when the cinemas open up I may well book myself a film when my DD is at school and do a solo date there . I’ve never been to the cinema alone so that’ll be a first for me![/quote]
Me n your friend are right!!! ☺️ I don't know you but you deserve the best that you can find, and the boundaries will help xxx

He did ask for a full length photo (to check I wasn’t too fat) as all mine on my profile are close up ones of my face
@GaraMedouar did he say this or you presume that’s why he asked? Either way if you are only feeling that he’s the best of a bad lot then feck that!
I get the feeling of wanting ‘someone’ though because that’s what I’m looking for. Not a live in partner or a husband, just a ‘someone’!

No update from me because I chickened out of broaching anything with Mr TG🙈 I also didn’t suggest he call over tonight like I normally would on my child free weekend but I’m kind of regretting that now! That could be boredom talking though because I know if he comes we’ll have a lovely time, I’ll feel great for 5 minutes and the cycle starts again

[quote GaraMedouar]@Onesmallstep67 - yes I’d agree with that entirely. It’s just the icing on the cake I suppose.
Wanting to have a special someone - (in a different house though !!!)

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - yes hope call is good - it all sounds really positive for you

@Bbub - sounds really irritating and you’re left hanging. You haven’t got a meeting time or place planned as yet? Maybe just check in asking how he feels about today with the weather. Although I know what I’d do - which is nothing - and leave it up to him…..[/quote]
Thanks @Gara! ❤️

Thanks @SortingItOut always appreciate your input. I know deep down that you're right and I deserve better. However for some reason I can't quite put my finger on, I can't put that into practice. Instead accepting crumbs and shoddy behaviour from people. Maybe a little fear of being alone/missing out?
I love my own company and will happily do most things solo, cinema trip is on the summer treat list and I'd quite like to take myself out for tea. There's still a bit of a stigma that it's tragic but it sounds perfect to me. I think I'll start with a cafe lunch next week!

@Mayzee - ha , no he didn’t actually say that as such. That was the vibe though. He said he weighed 13 stone , having put a bit on in lockdown but is normally slim - and I offered up the fact that I weigh less than him ! (But as I’m only 5ft 1 that’s probably hoped).
We are chatting in quite a friendly way now, having a laugh so it didn’t feel too pushy if you like - just finding out etc. Our tastes, hair length, beards, tattoos etc we’re both pretty middle of the road in that way I suppose. He prefers a woman without a beard

I don’t generally have full length photos of me on my phone though as all my pics are of my kids or me with my kids in a selfie! It was hard enough finding photos for the profile! He sent me a pic of his DD but I’m not comfortable sending a pic of mine - so I’ve ignored that and I sent him a pic of a man with a big fish. I find that men seem quite comfortable of showing pics of their kids , they don’t seem to have the same boundaries.
He also sent me pics of his pets - so he now has a pic of DD’s hamster !

He’s invited me for dinner when things open up so I’ve got nothing to lose.

@GaraMedour
@Onesmallstep67
Thanks both.
I messaged cancelling in the end as I wanted to set a boundary & stop stressing over getting ready etc, and said that let's rearrange when we can plan something properly. He replied "do you want to come over instead?" NO I BLOODY DONT!! He had already invited me to dinner at his and I said I wasn't comfortable going there til I knew him better so either he forgot or doesn't care. I'm really annoyed with him now!

Dunno if I'm being unreasonable now but I don't have the patience for this!

@GaraMedouar I really don't think it's acceptable to ask for a full length photo - if he doesn't like what he sees is he going to stop chatting? How would that make you feel? I know dating is judgey and initially about looks, but it's just so blatant requesting photos so he can decide if you're good enough for him! Like you, I'm leaning towards 'beggars-can't-be- choosers' territory because there's such a dearth of half-decent men in my area, but all that does is land you in a situation where you secretly hope your date zero will cancel because you'd rather bake your kids a cake than traipse round in the rain making conversation with a total stranger. So when Mr Carpenter pleaded family emergency and cried off today, I was relieved. A bit disappointed because you never know... but mostly relieved.

I'm taking a step back again. My birthday is coming up and I have lovely plans with friends and family. And if all goes well I'll be moving into a 'nesting' situation with my ex in the next few weeks, where we take turns to live in the house with the kids and then live in a holiday park alternate weeks. So I'll have every other week + weekend completely to myself and can date without having to negotiate children's plans and expectations.

There probably still won't be anyone to actually date, but at least I can binge watch Netflix or have friends round for drinks instead of cooking for 4 and watching football every night...😅

@Bbub - no I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I think he’d probably forgotten to be honest. It just doesn’t register with a lot of men the safety considerations women will put into place.
My first date, which was with MrS was a walk, but in my area, in a popular walk place with people around. I also told my two girlfriends where I was going etc. MrS was really surprised and looked at me as if I was mad and looked a bit hurt. I just don’t think it had crossed his mind. I, in return, looked askance at him as if he was mad for being oblivious to my concerns. He’d not done any OLD before to be fair and was totally upfront with everything.

I’ve had a similar chat with my son who only thought from a girl’s point of view when he was down in uni, him and his housemates went for a lovely late night walk in some fields , and the two girls with them were so excited saying they never normally would go out for a moonlit walk in such a deserted place. When my DS had it explained to him he then suddenly ‘got it’!

Dancer I love the Simpsons and I'm nearly 55! 🤣🤣

@WeWantTheFinestWines - birthday plans sound good - enjoy whatever you do.
Yes, with the photo thing I’m not sure - but I’m quite a tough cookie and intolerant generally so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. I should know more after a date. If I get a bad vibe on the day then it’ll be a no. Slim pickings around here

The nesting thing with your ex sounds challenging. That would never happen with mine! You must get on quite well then. Is that a long term solution? Hope that works out for you.

The nesting thing is the only way to resolve an intractable situation. We've shared the family home for almost 4 years post split because of his finances (we co-own house). Neither of us can buy the other one out. Selling won't leave us with enough for two homes and it gives the children stability as they get to stay in their home. So this is a solution that's better than living together.

Oh goodness WeWantTgeFinestWines - well I do hope it works out for you. As you say it will be much more comfortable and less disruptive for the children.
And once you get used to it then you can easily plan your child free dates!

[quote WeWantTheFinestWines]@GaraMedouar I really don't think it's acceptable to ask for a full length photo - if he doesn't like what he sees is he going to stop chatting? How would that make you feel? I know dating is judgey and initially about looks, but it's just so blatant requesting photos so he can decide if you're good enough for him! Like you, I'm leaning towards 'beggars-can't-be- choosers' territory because there's such a dearth of half-decent men in my area, but all that does is land you in a situation where you secretly hope your date zero will cancel because you'd rather bake your kids a cake than traipse round in the rain making conversation with a total stranger. So when Mr Carpenter pleaded family emergency and cried off today, I was relieved. A bit disappointed because you never know... but mostly relieved.

I'm taking a step back again. My birthday is coming up and I have lovely plans with friends and family. And if all goes well I'll be moving into a 'nesting' situation with my ex in the next few weeks, where we take turns to live in the house with the kids and then live in a holiday park alternate weeks. So I'll have every other week + weekend completely to myself and can date without having to negotiate children's plans and expectations.

There probably still won't be anyone to actually date, but at least I can binge watch Netflix or have friends round for drinks instead of cooking for 4 and watching football every night...😅
[/quote]
@WeWantTheFinestWines hope you have a lovely birthday 🥳🎂 🎉 ❤️

Thank you Onwards 😊

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Thank you Onwards 😊

@GaraMedour you're so right that the safety stuff doesn't seem to cross mens' minds! Always better to be safe than sorry though who cares if they are offended.

@WeWantTheFinestWines what an excellent idea for the division of child caring time! Hope it works out well for you all. Have a lovely birthday also.

[quote frankiefirstyear]@WeWantTheFinestWines what an excellent idea for the division of child caring time! Hope it works out well for you all. Have a lovely birthday also.[/quote]
Thanks Frankie

Feeling a bit more hopeful today. I have a date with Mr Jordan tomorrow night and Mr Alarm Wednesday. Just realised with restrictions lifting we can meet inside somewhere so having coffee with them should not be too daunting and I can make a quick escape if necessary. Going to buy myself a new coat today, as it hasnt stopped raining and I dont want to look like a drowned rat when I do meet them. Damn this weather, it makes dating outdoors very difficult.

Yay @Tinseltangle - two dates - hope at least one goes well - yes forecast for this week is rather showery so definitely an under cover coffee is best !