Dating thread 204 - surfing the SeaofTwits

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@bangheadhere40

How old is he vangough? I'm put off with men with very young kids and I'm nearly 40...mine are teens though.

54, I'm 53.

He seems to have some questionable historical life choices. He never married the mother of his first two kids, doesn't have much contact with them. Married to mother of 7yo, wife was 12 years younger (he led with that aspect, seems to blame that for the split, but couldn't see in advance that this might be an issue) and "decided she wanted something different" a few years ago. Which makes you wonder if she just wanted a child - but also, he's not a passenger in these decisions, so it's a bit off putting as it just shows a lack of emotional intelligence or something.

I don't have any kids, btw. And have never been married. Which seems to upset men, as if they feel insulted that not a single one of their kin could tie me down!!

Does anyone else think that some men like to come in and 'take over' and the fact that when you are independent and happy that way it scares them off a bit. Not sure if anyone else experienced this? but it sort of happened to me and i went from being an independent single mum with a DS to suddenly relying on this man for everything. He did it in a really sort of slow way, was here all the time, then would decide on cooking here and buying all the food but would bring his entire kitchen here because my stuff just wasn't up to standard, we were really together far too much, given i like my space together with my son, he got a bit offended when we didn't spend each weekend together, he started doing handy-man stuff, and it all just didn't feel right. I felt myself slip away and things i would have done easily myself i was letting him doing or asking him to do them... I much preferred once i'd ended things and felt more 'me' again. I think i'd like a partner that's like a equal and there aren't these separate male/female roles

@Naimee87

I’d be quite suspicious (but maybe I’m just cynical!) that someone like that was trying to love-bomb me or move in by stealth!

It wouldn’t bode well for later on and actually very controlling - I imagine scheduling in normal things like gym or seeing friends would start to be impossible with him around all the time....

I guess some people are naturally practically helpful to everyone but a bloke pushing himself domestically into my home would be quite red flaggy!

I think when I was younger I saw pushiness as a compliment, like it meant the guy was “really into me”.

Now I can see how it’s actually just desperation and the guy normally doesn’t have my best interests at heart

@Naimee87 some men are threatened by independent women and some men think women love a man who helps loads.
For the latter his love language may be acts of service so he thinks by 'taking over' its showing his love when in reality it made you feel smothered.

The key thing is to recognise it early and cut it off rather than let it drag on.

Personally I don't mind a man who might want to do some DIY for me if I can't do it or you need 2 people but bringing his kitchen stuff and getting annoyed if you didnt see him would be very annoying.

How are your boundaries and did you say anything at the time that you were uncomfortable?

The main way to find an equal is to know your boundaries and stick to them.
If you don't want a man bringing his kitchen stuff over then you tell him that and if he persists you dump, if you have this boundary but you let him bring 1 thing over then you've dropped your boundary and so he starts bringing more and more until you've got 101 things and you're feeling taken over and he's feeling all great for encroaching on your space.

@Naimee87

Totally!

My ex tried to take over my life but I railed against it and we rowed constantly.

Everything he did looked like he was doing a nice thing for me so I felt like a cow when I objected, but it was like he didn't see me as a person at all.
For example, he'd put a glass of wine in my hand when I got in from work. I don't drink much and I never drink without food. I'm just not that person who has a glass of wine when I get in from work. And I don't want to be!
So I'd say why are you giving me this, I don't want it.
And he'd get all huffy about "just trying to do a nice thing, you're never grateful, I can't get anything right".
I'd say just ask me, ask me if I want something.

But no, it was constant.

Booking trips for things he knew I'd hate but he wanted, buying me things he assumed all women want (perfume, every bloody work trip another random bottle of perfume, I do wear it but it takes me two years to use a bottle, I don't need four a year, I use them as air freshener in the loo now!), buying clothes I would never wear, sometimes in the wrong size even telling me it was the wrong size, deciding what to get me for my birthday and even when I said I didn't want that buying it anyway and using the joint account (so, half my own money for something I didn't want), etc. But he looks like a great guy because he buys me things, books things, pours me wine.......and I look like a moany cow.

He basically tried to control me and I wasn't having it.

Thanks for all your comments! Such a good thread!
It's only when i stopped and took a break from the whole 'relationship' i realised i was happier on my own with my son. It was something i had thought i wanted actually 'to be looked after' but it felt more like being 'controlled' or just incapable/belittled @SpringlikeBunk. I don't really think that this was his intention though because he really did seem like a nice man but i think he was looking for someone to look after who would come to rely on him and i felt like we jumped into 'getting together' far too quickly. It was hard for him to see the error of his ways too as in his eyes he was just being super helpful but it made me feel helpless and so so small! An example which seems even too funny to type but got me just so annoyed is he'd pull tissues out of his pocket and whip them into my hand as soon as i even began to start to sneeze, is that weird! Not sure why it got me so riled up but it did. I just started not looking forward to spending time together with him...but letting him down was really hard! I'm reluctant to admit it but he had to be a little bit ghosted after getting the message but not 'really' getting the message that we just aren't what each other wants. I am really not looking forward to starting from scratch and dating again (what a cool face) but i'll take on board the boundaries topic that's a good point! Thanks @SortingItOutSorting.
I wish it was as easy as bumping into someone like in good old days and having an instant spark and skipping off merrily into the future together (haha keep dreaming) i'm just not cut out for the online dating world, it's so draining and feels superficial. I've no profile or app at the moment and can't see myself signing up to any at the minute. It doesn't help that i really hate social media and don't have a profile anywhere online. I'm super stuck in the 90's but it makes a lot of men suspicious that i'm not who i say i am.

*Not sure why it got me so riled up but it did"

Because he was treating you like a child. It's really unattractive.

I need to settle my nerves, I can't help thinking what am I doing, why am I doing this. I'm happy as I am, why do I need to put myself through the scariness of a date🤦‍♀️ 🙄.

And to top off the weirdness of today, my ex has just asked if I want to go to the Isle of Wight festival with him. 🤨

Lol @Isitreallyme77

I’m the same right now - I want to enjoy pottering around for a month and stuff being open without “sharing” or having to organise with someone else or fit in with their eating and drinking routine

Obviously it depends on the guy and with the right one it shouldn’t matter but dating can add a lot of mental organising load to ones life!

I'm not sure if I miss a man or not really, I actually don't think I do now.

I'd like to see one I like sometimes to do stuff with / chat to etc but when I look back to the sack of cricket shit that's their Dad or my last ex who was a controlling alcoholic I don't miss that.

I don't mean to go on about cricket but it irks me their Dad is always playing cricket so can't have quality time with his kids.

@VanGoghsDog you are totally right! This never even occured to me but it's also where the feeling of being small and incapable came from too! It really is unattractive and turned me right off him! Really is interesting getting outsiders perspectives on these things that reassure me i'm not the mental one! I think it is OK to want to be single these days even though i still seem to get the sympathy chats when i see friends where i turn up on my own! Like the ONLY thing missing in my life to make it complete is finding the 'one'

Hope your date went well today, @Isitreallyme77 ❤️

Also looking out for an update from @Isitreallyme77 I hope it went well!
Conversation is flowing with new match but he's mentioned he doesn't currently have access to a car and has hinted that I could travel to him.. what happened to a bit of mutual effort?!
My love life head is such a muddle right now, I'm really doing the bare minimum

Still catching up but extremely invested in isit’s date

@Heartbeats0708

Also looking out for an update from *@Isitreallyme77* I hope it went well! Conversation is flowing with new match but he's mentioned he doesn't currently have access to a car and has hinted that I could travel to him.. what happened to a bit of mutual effort?! My love life head is such a muddle right now, I'm really doing the bare minimum

@Heartbeats0708 make sure you take some time out for yourself ❤️

Hello everyone, sorry that I only seem to come on here to ask for advice, but I don't feel I have much to offer anyone else😂. First time dating for 30 years and I'm worried about what to expect (or what's expected!).
I'm seeing my iron (Mr Shy) for the 4th time on Sunday morning, at his place. Last time we were quite touchy with passionate kissing (feel like I'm 15!). We'd only done walks and a peck goodbye before that. Well, my concern is, should I say I'm not wanting to dtd yet ( I'm not sure) as if we get passionate (which we will) he might think it's going to progress to dtd. I can tell he'd like to, understandably. I'm just really unsure/nervous/out of practice🤔. What is the protocol here? I feel somewhat ridiculous asking, but it's all so new to me.

Also checking in for @Isitreallyme77 update!!

I hear you @bangheadhere40 you just want to good bits, the fun bits and I think that’s really what it’s about isn’t it - there is no point being with anyone unless it enhances your life more than you can on your own!
Hope its a different cricket twat to the one isit’s out with

@Howdoesthiswork

Just do what you feel is comfortable- if he’s a nice guy he’ll understand if not who cares what he thinks?

I’m sure he’ll be happy with the kissing and want you to be happy if he’s a decent guy

I had to check myself a few weeks ago when I found myself thinking “I’m on date three with someone at his so I SHOULD have sex”.

But it’s for both of you to feel comfortable and at your own pace? If he ghosts you if you don’t have sex or gets annoyed then that’s a lucky escape!

@SpringlikeBunk Thanks so much. That's what I've been thinking - I should have sex, but I only want to when it feels right and I don't know that will be. I do want to feel comfortable at my pace, but if we get to the point where we're part undressed, is that the point that I should say something or he'll assume I'm up for it!

@Howdoesthiswork I agree with @SpringlikeBunk. Just do it when you feel ready. He'll understand if he's a decent guy ❤️

Thanks. So good to hear that!