Dating thread 204 - surfing the SeaofTwits

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

If he was interested he'd show it, wouldn't he? I've tried a few flirty comments but they've not been picked up at all so tend not to bother now

I suspect everyone's idea of flirting is different, so he maybe just didn't notice.

Ask him, all you have to lose is a dog walking buddy and you might as well lose that and move on if that's not what you're looking for.

The difficulty with online dating is that unless you've had a discussion about what you are you cant assume anything.

He might think you are not interested romantically with him.

When you first chatted on Tinder were you both looking to date or did you both genuinely need a dog walking buddy?

I'm with the others, you need to speak to him about where this is going. Maybe do as Vangogh says and suggest a coffee or drink now that places have opened up

I agree with others @thegreenestbear

An option (depends on your style) is to just ask directly?

message him and say “so we met on tinder? How do you feel about the connection having met a few times ? Do you see us as dating or would you like to move things in that direction?”

Thank you everyone, I know you are right and I should say something; I've not really got much to lose. I've been on and off these threads since Thread Number 96 and tbh my expectations are so ridiculously low if he told me he was dating another ten women I'd just berate myself for having got it wrong again.

I've not got much in my life at the moment and I enjoy his company so I don't want to lose that because I'm pretty lonely right now. I just can't bear to go back on the apps so I think that's what's making me accept whatever he throws my way.

So I've not heard from Mr Cricket maybe I was too quick to ask if he wanted to swap numbers, I mean he could have been busy, he was playing cricket yesterday after all but that wouldn't go on all evening and it doesn't take long to send a message. I'm not unmatched yet which is a plus I suppose.

Yeh I hope he gets in touch but I’ve definitely found a lot of “early flakes” @Isitreallyme77

even if they come across keen initially in contact , I’ve found until you’ve met and known each other for a decent chunk of time it’s all fairly “loose”.

It’s not really personal just the way things pan out sometimes!

Last night I had a guy who seemed fairly keen on tinder, mainstream type, doesn’t look like a player or a freak

asked when he was taking me out (no weirdness or sex talk before, we live fairly close to each other).

Nothing after I replied and said “next week I guess?”

🤷‍♂️

@thegreenestbear speaking from my own experience with MrM we seen each other about 5 times every year for 6 years and both were flirting and feeling chemistry but had zero idea the other was doing the same 🤦‍♀️ let me tell you I wish I had said something earlier to him! I bit the bullet a year ago getting to the point where I was so lonely and felt I had nothing to lose. I can also understand that to not be a reason to say something now, however, as it may feel like a bit of a lifeline to you.
I would start up a conversation about tinder and ask how he's getting on, then say I'd like to go out for a drink if he's up for it.

@SpringlikeBunk it's so hard to understand, I don't remember dating being this hard. Also the pool is extremely wanting at the moment. I feel I'm constantly swiping left and it gets a bit demoralising when I think is that all that is out there for me.

Dating never used to be this hard- there really is a shortage of decent men in the age range we are looking at.

BTW my kid's dad plays cricket and he's one of the biggest twats going - doesn't mean they are nice 😄

@bangheadhere40 🤣 I associate cricket with genteel English summers with cricket on the village green and afternoon tea. So ergo the men must be good too, when they're no different to any other man in reality.

As for dating I think by our age they've either been cheated on so hate all women, are the cheater so hate all women or haven't had a decent relationship so don't know how to treat women.

@Isitreallyme77

I think it’s just current dating culture Tbf

people match a lot and have a lot of options

so the trick is to take things a bit less seriously earlier on?

Not meaning just sleeping with or dating as many people as possible,

but until lots of face to face meets have been successfully achieved it’s all a bit fantasy really!

I’ve found I’ve frequently met a few decent guys for 1-2 meets then things have fizzled out. I guess I could have really pushed organising or chatting or chasing or using sex to “bond” early on

but that just feels a bit desperate and would waste my post- lockdown summer

In a way I think it’s easier to obsess over the people we DON’T see that much and have just chatted with or who are flaky

as our Mind “fills in the gaps” and thinks they are some wonderful person and we’d have this perfect life if we saw them more!

But that’s limerance and anxiety not love

@thegreenestbear I agree you've got nothing to lose by making your intentions a bit more obvious, but I would also think about how to get more of what you enjoy into your life in general as otherwise we're expecting a relationship to meet an awful lot of needs. Especially a fledgling relationship. I know that loneliness well, is there any groups you could join? Hobbies you've always wanted to try? I decided recently to stop giving men I barely know, such power over my emotions. It's hard though

I don't know how many of you have seen this active thread, but it's been a very interesting thread along the lines of what's being discussed here too www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4251016-Where-did-all-the-good-men-go-in-the-UK

Thank you for all the support and solid advice on Saturday. Mr V and I had a long FTF chat and he’s aware of how worrying I find his inability to get on top of his financial dealings is. There are a couple of plans in place which will make a difference if they happen. I’m not ready to write off everything we’ve had for the last 18 months but for the first time there has been a shift in how I feel about him, a little like he’s let me down. I’ve been trying to give him 100% but if he’s still juggling things in the background and only owning up when it’s crunch time then that’s not acceptable and leads to erosion of trust. I explained that whilst I am more than capable of dealing with things and running my own life I don’t want to be the one carrying the load for both of us. I’ve done pretty much that in different ways for the last 10 years since DH got ill, lost my parents and guided DDs through all that whilst barely in their teens.

Hello, has anyone here used eHarmony? I’ve joined as a free member. I’ve read about free trial communication weekends they hold, but can’t find out any more from eHarmony themselves. I guess they want you to sign up as a full member, but it’s quite pricey. Thanks

@SpringlikeBunk I sometimes think men think I should be grateful for any attention they give me(maybe I should hide my age on Tinder see how much luck I have). I do still think there is a stigma attached to divorced middle aged women, more so than divorced middle aged men. We must be desperate and take any scraps that are offered to us.

@Onesmallstep67 it's good you were able to have that conversation. I hope he takes note and does start to sort himself out.

@Onesmallstep67 - I do hope Mr V does sort himself out for your sake. Otherwise you will find your feelings change.
My exP was the same, and this led ultimately to our split after 7 years of limping along, his continual promises of change , me giving him money for business debts etc - trouble is it’s a long slow decline - to resentment and loss of love.
Even though we got on well (and still do actually).

@Onesmallstep67 glad to hear you've had a chat with Mr V but saddened that you feel let down. I know what you mean about not wanting to throw away what you've had. It can be difficult to figure out if it's worth the risk once trust has been eroded though can't it?
I also had a chat with Mr O. A lot has been said. It's been difficult and emotional but neither of us is ready to, or wants to, finish things officially. Rather than limp along I think we need to clear the air and decide once and for all whether to walk away or start with a clean slate.

Sending everyone who's struggling at the moment all my love and support ❤️❤️❤️

So Mr Cricket got back to me and is happy to swap numbers. Could he be any more perfect on paper, not only is he polite, star Cricket player, he also volunteers at his local hospital every Monday. Maybe going away from my usual type might be a good thing.

Mr V and I are in a wait and watch phase. His actions over the coming months will determine what next for us. I'm not minimising how it's made me feel but it has been difficult and stressful for him too, my words not his.
@Heartbeats0708, this is my pot & kettle moment but what you say about Mr O resonates so strongly with me and Mr Cocky. I know you see him in a slightly different way but if you keep going back, what has changed? You said he had broken an agreed boundary that was unnegotiable from your perspective. It sounds like you miss each other greatly and that is exactly how it was is with me and Mr Cocky. It would be SO easy for me to resume something with him but I always get hurt or emotionally unsettled by his inability to commit etc. If I could just have the amazing sex and the profound connection without the feelings I'd be back there tomorrow.

I dove into the sea of twits over the weekend on Bumble. Swiped right on everyone out of 20+ matches only 3 responded to my opening message and those chats are fizzling out.
The potential iron who's date was rained off has now ghosted me so I am back to 0 irons and 0 potentials.

Trying not to get too disheartened by the lack of irons and trying to focus on life outside of dating but I feel a bit low about it all the moment

Been dating for 2 months and we are exclusive but he's still on Hinge and so am I. Do we discuss turning it off / deleting it? I am quite sure he isn't seeing anyone else bc frankly I don't see how he'd have time given how often we meet. I don't use the app anymore / not arranging dates with anyone / chatting with anyone.

So coffee date arranged with Mr Cricket for Thursday afternoon. he has already warned me he isn't one for messaging as things can be misconstrued. I'm a big one for messaging so this will be hard.🤣

@namechanged9999
Here's a copy of a post I did a while back which I think you would find helpful:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.