Dating thread 204 - surfing the SeaofTwits

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Shayelle2009

I know, perfect gentleman

Oh god this is me: "StormOfTwats” where you’ve got one flaky guy, your crazy ex, and a couple other nutters on the go".
I'm making some very poor decisions at the moment and can't seem to stop myself. I'm desperate to get in touch with Mr O even though he completely disrespected me and I know there's no coming back from it. But I miss him. I need a stern word, so I've booked therapy!

@Isitreallyme77

From my swipe right on everyone I've unmatched with each one that matched. I'm going to go back to only swiping on someone who if I saw them out I would think "oooh they're nice".

I did download Bumble earlier and it's no better than Tinder, and POF is just a pain.

It's not about getting good matches, it's about getting matches, looking "popular" and then the app throwing up popular users of the opposite sex (or same if you're registered for that).

Does it still count if I unmatch them?

@Isitreallyme77 I think that the machine is fairly stupid and just learns that you're busy getting matches. Or it doesn't care about longevity. It's a machine after all, that just wants our money.

I expect so, I doubt it tracks that.

@Heartbeats0708

It’s often like that isn’t it - I try to be boundaried/thoughtful/rational but emotions aren’t naturally like that, most of us have some element of things which are related to the past/trauma/baggage (I don’t even like using those terms as they’re quite “loaded”?)

It sounds like you’re doing the right things by just accepting things are a bit of an emotional muddle and practically doing “self-care” things?

[quote BelladiMamma]@Isitreallyme77 I think that the machine is fairly stupid and just learns that you're busy getting matches. Or it doesn't care about longevity. It's a machine after all, that just wants our money. [/quote]
Exactly. It's actually better for the machine if you have a ton of matches (you keep using it) that end quickly. There's no incentive for the machine to ensure you find a life partner.

I've never paid a single penny to any dating or hook up site.

@SpringlikeBunk you're spot on there, emotions aren't like that at all. And my ideas of self care are turning into self destruct, so I need to take a bit of a step back from myself almost?
I know my therapist will echo the thoughts re accepting things are just a bit confused at the moment, but I'm hoping to gain some clarity on why I keep getting myself into these situations!

@Heartbeats0708 I know it’s easy for me to just say, but you have to be strong and make decisive choices, like if you sense somethings not going to be good for you, or it starts feeling not good then you need to just cut it out of your life, and say NO to it. Be harsh if you need to!
Like i said, I know its easy for me to say that so it probably doesnt help much 😕

@SpringlikeBunk

TsunamiOfTwats where everyone sends messages like this.....(no preliminary chat apart from “what have you been doing this weekend?”)

@SpringlikeBunk 😂😂😂

Dove into the SOT this evening and my oh my the pickings are slim!!
I try to stick to one chat at a time as I can't keep up, so chatting with one atm who does seem quite nice, could be lad baby's brother as he looks very similar and not my usual type at all but thought I'd try the new swipe til my fingers are numb technique. But dear me I had to swipe left on most or I'd be getting nightmares 😱

Walk with fit looking nurse booked in for Monday.

Now to find “subtly sexy but practical walking clothes” . It’s not a hardcore hike but just thinking footwear etc

I posted this as it's own thread but I was recommended to move it to the OLD thread.
I am new to OLD. I signed up for several dating sites and matched with the same man on 2 of them about a month ago. I'm feeling frustrated with how things are going but I've never dated strangers before so I don't really know how it's supposed to progress. I think he acts as if he isn't interested in me between dates, but when we're together he seems very attentive and polite and he says all the right things. Experienced OLDers, please give me some perspective about this timeline.

Background: His profile says he is looking for a serious relationship and he wants children. We are both in our early 30s with no children. He is from the USA and arrived here about 2 months ago.

Mid April: Matched on dating site 1, neither of us messaged the other.
End of April: Matched on dating site 2, I messaged him.
2nd May: Met up for a hike and socially distanced lunch.
7th May: Went out for dinner.
13th May: Went to a museum and lunch.
14th May: Spoke on the phone.
22nd May: We were supposed to meet but he messaged in the morning saying he might not come and he would confirm in the afternoon. I told him not to bother and cancelled it. He was extremely apologetic but I think he had double booked.

He has insisted on paying for our meals and drinks every time. We have hugged but not kissed. There has been virtually no contact between dates. He does not write me messages and when I write him messages he reads them and waits for hours before replying. He is still logging into his dating profiles but I do not know if he is going on dates with anyone else.

This isn't going anywhere, is it?

@Ytrigging

It could be a slow burner, maybe he just wants to date/socialise/meet as many people/feel the lie of the land in a new country?

You could mirror his effort - continue dating and meeting others yourself and don’t overinvest in him.

If you’re quite laid back/sociable yourself this might be an option?

Eg I’ve kind of decided to step back from my current two irons for similar reasons - I’ve enjoyed FTF time and they’ve said and done the right things but I feel I’m having to do too much legwork?

On the other hand, it doesn’t seem worth sending “official break up messages” as things might change!

However, if it’s making you feel like rubbish and you think you’re in too deep and worrying about it and overfunctioning and stressed and wanting him and not wanting to meet others I’d 100% detach?

I do think a lot of guys have got fairly blasé using apps (especially if they tick boxes like social skills, good job, looks etc) so they don’t really make that much effort as they know often it gets “all arranged for them”?

In answer to the kid question...I tell my kids if I'm going on a date. They are teens though.

@bangheadhere40

In answer to the kid question...I tell my kids if I'm going on a date. They are teens though.

Fair enough. I think I'm going to start doing that once this set of exams is over. My exh is a complete twat and has tried to add clauses in about me having someone to stay more than 2 nights in to our settlement. Going to a frigging private hearing to get him to strike them out

@BelladiMamma omg what an arsehole!!! Does he think he owns you or something!!? How horrendous I’d see red at that!!

Eeeeek @SpringlikeBunk!! Hot date alert!! 😬😬

@BelladiMamma - your exH is indeed a twat - how controlling. My exH wanted it written into the contact order that he had the right to visit the boys in my house - my own home 100% post divorce when I bought him out! He just couldn’t grasp that no it would never be acceptable to have the ‘right’ to do so. Ok if invited but ….. wow.

@SpringlikeBunk - good luck on your walking date. Hope the rain holds off or there’s a little café where you can just have a coffee and chat.

@bangheadhere40 - when you tell your kids you’re going on a date do you say it’s tinder/bumble? I don’t know why but I feel odd just saying that to them. If I have date number 2 with Mr Close I’m going to say that ‘Lisa’ and I got chatting to a couple of guys in the curry house and it was one of them that has now asked me out. Don’t know why - I feel like I’m about 12 and keeping a secret from my parents ! Also haven’t told my mum - she doesn’t approve of OLD and I’d get a lecture and questions each time she phoned me!!!!

@Ytrigging - sounds like he is possibly dating other women too and just taking it slowly. Don’t have any expectations, but as SpringlikeBunk suggests just back off a bit and date others yourself. Maybe wait now for him to suggest and arrange the next date.

[quote Shayelle2009]@BelladiMamma omg what an arsehole!!! Does he think he owns you or something!!? How horrendous I’d see red at that!![/quote]
Yes he does think he owns me and it's going to cost me the thick end of £20k just to get legal support quickly enough to tell him to eff off. I am so happy that I kept my head screwed on enough to keep some savings in my own name.

The irony is of course he's living with his new girlfriend- all of 6 weeks after first meeting her!

[quote GaraMedouar]@BelladiMamma - your exH is indeed a twat - how controlling. My exH wanted it written into the contact order that he had the right to visit the boys in my house - my own home 100% post divorce when I bought him out! He just couldn’t grasp that no it would never be acceptable to have the ‘right’ to do so. Ok if invited but ….. wow.

@SpringlikeBunk - good luck on your walking date. Hope the rain holds off or there’s a little café where you can just have a coffee and chat.

@bangheadhere40 - when you tell your kids you’re going on a date do you say it’s tinder/bumble? I don’t know why but I feel odd just saying that to them. If I have date number 2 with Mr Close I’m going to say that ‘Lisa’ and I got chatting to a couple of guys in the curry house and it was one of them that has now asked me out. Don’t know why - I feel like I’m about 12 and keeping a secret from my parents ! Also haven’t told my mum - she doesn’t approve of OLD and I’d get a lecture and questions each time she phoned me!!!!

@Ytrigging - sounds like he is possibly dating other women too and just taking it slowly. Don’t have any expectations, but as SpringlikeBunk suggests just back off a bit and date others yourself. Maybe wait now for him to suggest and arrange the next date.[/quote]
What planet are they on?? They just can't gracefully accept that it's over and move on. It's been 2 years 3 months and counting since I asked ex I wanted divorce. After 2-3 years of very difficult times to try to make things work. I shouldn't have bothered. Actually no, having done all that work I can hold my head high and know that I did the right thing by all the promises I made when I married. If he never turned up to couples counselling that was his gamble ...

@SpringlikeBunk no one looks at footwear in a date just concentrate on the top half 😘