Dating thread 204 - surfing the SeaofTwits

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Remains to be seen @Shayelle2009 but so far so good. I'd say he's not my usual type but there's something about him that drew me in. Hes honest and genuine, good with messaging, has his life in order and whilst not love bombing has recently said he's completely hooked on me 😁 trying not to think too far ahead as I'll start overthinking then (thank you twatty ex dh for that) so just enjoying for the moment now

I suggest WhatsApp after the first few messages if all seems well - typing in the app is a pain and i can (over)use emojis that way too

I can't believe the suggest a date then block guy? What is wrong with these people?! I had a perfectly respectful exchange with one match about how he thought we wouldn't be compatible. Then I suggested he unmatched me. All fine. Mr Finance picked up the pace and we've got a date next week provisionally, although it sounds like our child free time is opposite, so not sure how feasible anything would be. Couple of other chats but one used 'lolz'... I'm giving him a second chance, for now

When I think about it I don't have much free time over the next few weeks anyway, but those evenings can be long and it's easy to feel lonely and worry that won't ever change.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards aww I hope that happens soon ♥️

Thanks for the opinions yesterday on my question about whether I should contact Mr Cocky. For the time being any decision has been shelved as more pressing issues came to the fore with Mr V. His financial situation is not the best and again yesterday I was put into a position where I had to help him out- or rather I chose to. I know many reading this will be seeing red flags as they have had serious problems with the finances in their marriages etc. Believe me I am doing a lot of soul searching but we do seem to be heading into serious relationship territory and I have deep feelings for him. I’m also able to see though that this isn’t great or what I would choose for my next long term partner. I actually resorted earlier to the whole pros and cons list of him, what he brings to my life and almost the only negative is his past financial situation catching up with him. I have told him in words of one syllable that it’s causing me a great amount of stress, feeling that I should help him. I feel very torn

@Onesmallstep67

Gosh, that is tricky. What does he do if you don't help him, how does he manage?

@Onesmallstep67 if its making you uneasy that’s a definite sign things aren't right.. must say I find it hard to have any respect for men who let women bail them out?! Only you know though. Be really careful x

Thanks all for the number advice.. I’ll hang back for now.. in case he’s a nutter 😱 seems normal so far...

@VanGoghsDog, it’s horribly tricky. Yesterday’s situation he’d allowed to get out of hand and he was facing a court scenario where chunks of his wages would have been taken. He really struggled emotionally after his mom’s death and financially he wasn’t able to keep on top of outgoings - they used to live together (all before I met him) He is in a position to buy his council house at a greatly reduced price but wouldn’t be able to sort any kind of mortgage if he has bad credit. I don’t know if he has already scuppered any chance of getting credit. Without buying his house and subsequently reselling it when he can he won’t be able to release the equity. In simple terms the council will give him a big reduction on the price because he has lived there so long. So me helping him is for a number of reasons- on a human level I would find it difficult to watch a friend struggle, on a personal level he’s my partner and I feel I should help him and on a practical level it makes sense to release the equity from the house. The gamble is there is no guarantee that he and I have a future and I am- literally- investing in something that may not sustain the test of time - or pressures such as this.

[quote BelladiMamma]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards aww I hope that happens soon ♥️[/quote]
@BelladiMamma 🙂

Sorry @Shayelle2009, I’m a slow typer and always spend too long trying to find the right wording for posts ! I don’t think he’s asking me before it’s reached the point of crisis because he is trying to sort it himself. And I have explained that anything like this will cause difficulties with trust. It would make anyone feel uneasy. We’ve all read the stories about the woman blindly believing in a man who has financial problems and I swore I would never be that woman. This is a different situation though as I know Mr V. He seems to be a rather proud man who knows he’s f#cked up financially but can offer some light at the end of the tunnel if he ever gets to buy the house.

@Onesmallstep67 if it had already got to the stage of court action then he is unlikely to get a mortgage anyway as his credit is likely to be bad already.

@Onesmallstep67 if Mr V promises to pay you back the money, I don't see the issue with it as long as you're comfortable.

I would make sure you get an informal agreement written down though, just so you both know where you stand ❤️

isreallyme and onwards thank you, I find other people’s objective view really helpful, I guess that is why most of us post on here. Mr V is heading over this afternoon and despite several lengthy phone conversations yesterday -I feel I need to be able to see him face to face to really gauge things. There are only so many times though either of us can say what has already been said and ultimately it comes down to how much I trust or believe that we are edging into proper commitment. To further complicate things an additional dilemma is that I could actually afford to put out the money he needs to buy the house. That of course would have to be thoroughly explored and set up with a legal and binding agreement that he owes me the money regardless of whether we stay together or not. Of course I wouldn’t want to be financially tied to him if we were to finish. That would be similar to how it is when a marriage ends and some of you have had horrible stress with that.

It’s really lovely of you to help him out @Onesmallstep67. Did you know each other long before you started properly seeing each other? Hopefully if you were friends first, there’s more trust there.
I agree don’t bother saying anything to Mr Cocky.
Hope this situation all works itself out for you x

Onesmallstep67

Honestly your update is very worrying. The whole buying the council house, you know if it needed to be sold in 5 years (most la’s) the discount needs to be paid back.
You can’t let it out for a similar length of time, you would t be able to buy it for him and use his discount unless you are, and have lived there for a while. How would you protect your investment?
I know it’s difficult when you’re emotionally attached, but you should not get involved in this situation, I believe if a friend told you this scenario you would probably advise the same, looking in words, it’s a recipe for disaster. It’s not your job to fix this man.

@Onesmallstep67 - not keeping on top of outgoings can mean quite a lo t of things. Is this just utilities / council tax etc? Not to be unsympathetic, but does he always lose control of his finances under duress?

Was enjoying the folks jumping in the SoT. I have at least 2 Irinas and a truely global motley collection. Might quit whilst I'm ahead . Thanks to Hairy for the vox article. Thought this was an interesting insight "That’s because, they write, the strongest predictors of whether a relationship will last come from “the way they respond to unpredictable and uncontrollable events that have not yet happened.” The chaos of life! It bends us all in strange ways........................................ The authors conclude: “The best-established predictors of how a romantic relationship will develop can be known only after the relationship begins.” So I think this thread is much about navigating the latter.

@Isitreallyme77 has hit the nail on the head.
If he is at the stage of deductions from wages that implies either a CCJ which is very detrimental on his credit file or magistrates court action which is criminal but doesn't affect his credit rating.

You are trying to protect his credit rating so he can buy the property he rents but what is he doing to get himself in a good situation?

If he really wants to sort out old financial issues he could have done that before now by either finding out old letters and contacting companies and getting his credit report to see what debts are on there.

It is sad his mother died but equally he is an adult and seems to be relying on you to bail him out.
How many times can this keep happening? How many times can you tell him to be honest with you (which he then ignores)?

I'd be worried these are not old debts and he's actually running up more.

You've mentioned buying the property for him before and the consensus was not to do it. As a PP said there are rules involved when you buy under Right To Buy and I'm not sure how you would protect yourself fully.
Just getting a contract drawn up which he signs doesn't help you if he goes bankrupt or cant ever pay you back.
A charge on the property would be better but may not be possible.

If you think you're in it for the long term and eventually plan to live together I would be wanting to look at his finances before I even went to step one on the living together plan.

My ex husband was horrendous with money, ran up loads of debt in the marriage, I helped him sort them and when we split he ran up even more.

I'd never get too involved wirh someone with money problems ever again.

@Onesmallstep67

Sorry to pile on the pressure, but this sounds like a really really bad idea. It rarely ends well. Be supportive emotionally - let him find his way financially ...

Genuinely, thank you everyone. I know what i am outlining isn't the greatest scenario for starting what is meant to be the next stage of a committed long term relationship. Mr V is clearly someone who sticks his head in the sand and waits for the crap to pass - by his own admission. I'm afraid that whilst i do have my head screwed on over many things, he's already under my skin and in my heart. Sorting you are absolutely right, I'm also not wholly convinced these are old debts and I have repeatedly told him that throwing good money after bad is not something I can or will keep doing- and yet I have. I am going to look at the council website to look at the specific rules around letting it out. This was going to be part of the plan. We are both aware of the rules regarding resale and paying back incremental amounts of the discount back depending on when it is sold. I feel a bit het up about it because I have allowed myself to fall for him but like many of us I really could do without any further upset in my life.

Some do allow you to let out, but charge an one off sub-let fee. each LA has different rules.
Also, a bit of a jump, you said he lived with his elderly mother, if the house has been adapted he may not even get the RTB

You need to look at his credit file, sounds like you about to get fleeced to me

I think you've had some good advice here @Onesmallstep67 and I don't want to weigh in with more. All I will say is try to think this through with your head not your heart.
@cravingthelook how's it going with Mr HT?! I'm not ready for my many confessions yet 😂
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards good to hear you & Mr Bookworm are still getting along. I hope you get to meet soon and things feel as good in person!

@Onesmallstep67 agreed that you've had good advice. When I was in a similar situation I texted a friend and she answered with a message that I always try to keep in mind.
'Your resources are very precious and you should guard them carefully. Your time, your money, your love and affection aren't things to be wasted.'
Might not resonate with you but it helped me to think of myself more carefully. That and a lot of therapy.
Good luck out there, put yourself first

@Onesmallstep67 sorry to give my experiences but I would only ever give money now if there was no way I wanted it back. I have always had the misplaced generosity of the poor.
My exH spent a fortune and I am still addled with the debt now after we split up about 6 years ago, still have years and years (probably the rest of my life!) to slowly pay the debt off in an arrangement that is free from interest thank goodness. My generosity kept him from going to the courts etc but has me in a pitiful state because I was generous with my credit and not my actual money 😫
I then met my children's father who had lots of money issues such as court orders for child support, court fines, council tax unpaid, all utilities in a nightmarish state. We sorted them out together and he earned more than enough to not let it slip again - but he did and he's in a worse state now (we split over 3 years ago) and I get no child support from him now either 🤦‍♀️.
Two very different men and neither set of generosity helped our relationship at all, it actually caused bad feelings, loss of respect and resentment from both sides.

@Heartbeats0708 ... nah, it was wonderful chat on Thursday ok yesterday then went to shit last night.
Good job or I'd have just met him next week and had sex ... but he reminded me last night why I really shouldn't.

Mr roads still rings ... he's back in Scotland a week on Monday and wants to meet on the Tuesday

Mr Teddy is adorable and we talk on the phone but we aren't meeting til 15 June (crazy schedules)

Mr Offshore has disappeared off the planet

There's a Mr Prorug ... but my gut is telling me no he will be too pushy.

There's a Miss Net ... but that would be much more a play thing

I'm thinking I'm giving up. I will just keep Mr Roads and Mr Teddy and potentially Miss Net as maintenance friends. But there's no point in looking for anything more in-depth

I'm also not wholly convinced these are old debts and I have repeatedly told him that throwing good money after bad is not something I can or will keep doing- and yet I have

So he doesn't need to sort his finances out in a calm, normal manner when he can just wait for the sh1t to hit the fan and @Onesmallstep67 will sort it in one fell swoop 🤷‍♀️

I suspect my ex was similar, why sort his debts or even learn to budget when I was there to pick up the pieces and so he would never starve or have no where to live.
And when he had emotional affairs all the time and I told him to stop otherwise I would walk, he carried on because I didn't walk.

I know you love him and he is under your skin but that doesn't mean you have to ever live with him or even that you can't end things if you wanted (yes it will hurt)

How does his financial situation impact you as a couple?
Can he afford to go out for meals/drinks/theatre?

What is the plan to pay you back?
Whst is he doing to put in place buying the property he rents?
Has he started saving to pay solicitors fees and other costs?
Is he making sure his credit rating is perfect?

Who's plan is it to buy the property he rents ?
I think you said before he always wanted to buy it but hasnt- is that because its a pipe dream or is it actually realistic?
Who is pushing for this? Do you want it more than him because its a good offer and you know it makes sense and you would like to be on the same home ownership footing?

If its a flat or has shared access with the neighbours or has neighbours who are still council?
Flats come with leasehold charges every year which can be very high as its a percentage for the total block and councils are hot on housing standards so upgrade the fabric of the building a lot.
My friend lives next to a council house and when the chimney needed replacing on her neighbours side they billed her too as the chimneys join as semi detached houses.
The cost was huge as it was costing from council contractors plus admin fees, if her builder had done it, it would have been about a quarter of the cost.