Dating thread 204 - surfing the SeaofTwits

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Just looking for a bit of an objective view on my next move, if any, from those of you who know my back story with Mr Cocky. I've not spoken to him since mid March but I left it that I would be back in touch and that I felt we needed a break from daily chatting. Zero contact from either side since. I knew he wouldn't make contact, based on previous experience of me instigating a break.
The question is do I message and tell him that Mr V and I are giving it a go, mostly by way of explanation for removing myself from our friendship. However it may seem from the outside we have known each other 7 years and we gave each other a lot of time and emotional support. I would have dated him properly but he couldn't offer that. I'm not looking to resume anything with him at the moment as I am determined to give my all to Mr V who wouldn't - quite rightly so- tolerate anyone else on the scene. My feelings for Mr Cocky are profound and longstanding, we had an amazing connection. This is the first time in 7 years I have felt able to step away from him but feel I owe him a tying up of loose ends email as our 'parting' in March was floated as a temporary break. I'm just concerned this will reignite emotions that I don't really want to deal with and that he may tell me something I don't want to hear, such as he's also met someone, giving it a go etc. I'm not able to shut down feelings for some people very easily and he represents a huge chunk of my life since DH passed away. Probably through a degree of insecurity I always felt I needed a ' back up plan' whilst dating in the last few years so never really let chats drop off with a some guys, who bobbed around happily in the background. Mr Cocky was always at the centre of that.
So do I leave it and let him slip away steadily from my thoughts- this is already happening - or do I go for closure and say thank you for everything and this is goodbye ?

@Onesmallstep67 it sounds a bit like you want to tell Mr Cocky to prompt a reaction ie he will step up and fight for you somehow. Personally i would just wait and if he got in contact, i would let him know I've met someone. I wouldn't go out and make an effort to let him know my business though by telling him before he made contact.

@Onesmallstep67 - I agree with Eesha. I’d just leave it for the time being. Just enjoy MrV.

@HopefulDoubtful - yes does sound full on. My first iron MrS was like this - we texted and chatted for three weeks before first meet - it was so intense - such a connection - but he was quite pushy and questioning - I think he was ticking off on a questionnaire - it was a bit like a work appraisal ‘so what are your aspirations?, where do you see yourself in 5 years?’
Unfortunately- first date - meh , didn’t go anywhere.

I’ve learnt now not to get over invested.

I have a first date tonight with Mr Close - a curry down the road , so not far for me.
I’m not overly looking forward to it , but going with an open mind, but at least I’m not nervous! And I can have a nice meal so it’s all good.
I was going to walk but forecast is pants so I’ve decided to drive.
He offered to come and pick me up. Which I declined politely. Did he really think I would have a male stranger from the internet, come to my house, so see where I live, and get in his car! I think men often don’t put themselves in female shoes.
So this is my third ever first date - I’m getting an old hand at this. Never made it to a second date yet though ……

[quote Isitreallyme77]**@SpringlikeBunk* and @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*

thanks, I don't know why it makes me worry, it's not as if I've met them yet.

I'm so glad I came on this thread now, sometimes you need others opinions as it's not always easy to work things out in your own head.[/quote]
@Isitreallyme77 🙂❤️

@HopefulDoubtful

First time posting on the dating thread and hoping for some advice!

I have just started OLD again after some previous unsuccessful attempts. I've now started to chatting to a man 12 days ago, let's call him Mr Grey. We got on well through text right away and quickly moved on to speaking on the phone. We had a lovely, enjoyable chat that flowed well. We don't live that close to each other and both have kids so we've not managed to meet yet, though we've talked about it.

The thing is that he is being quite full on. Texts me every morning and then throughout the day. As soon as I respond to a message he comes online and messages back. If I don't respond for a few hours he will send another message. Then we have an intense text conversation or 1-2 hour phone call every evening. It's always initiated by him. Yesterday he sent me one selfie, one video and a photo of a drawing he'd made. I guess it is sweet that he is so keen and thinking of me, but I sometimes wait a while to reply as I don't want to spend all day texting.

Last night we spoke on the phone and I felt like he put me on the spot a bit. He asked me about taking long to respond, saying he felt unsure if I wanted to speak to him. Asking if we are really going to meet and when. He was polite in his tone and I appreciate that he was being honest about how he felt, but I can't help but feel that it's all a bit full on. We've not even met yet and chatting for a couple of weeks before meeting feels within the normal range to me. It's not like it's been months. The phone call just left me with an odd feeling afterwards.

What do you think, is he just being keen and honest or is it a bit weird/too much?

@HopefulDoubtful welcome! I can see some red flags here. He seems quite pushy to me and this sort of thing can get too much. I don't like the sound of him putting you on the spot on the phone either.

If I was you I'd just tell him if he asks why you haven't responded to his messages that you've been busy. And make sure that you continue not to reply to him straight away.

If he carries on being pushy, I would think about cutting all ties with him. ❤️

I wouldn't even give air time to him asking me why I took so long to respond. Never apologise, never explain. Particularly when you've not even met them.

The Neckkisser did this to me. I didn't respond all day by WA, read it and just forgot. So he contacted me by another method to "check you're OK" because he "was worried". To be honest, I did apologise, but I really wouldn't do that again. Though this was way after we'd met, dated and I'd told him I didn't want a relationship with him.

@Eesha and @GaraMedouar thank you for your thoughts. I’m definitely not consciously looking for Mr Cocky to up his game if he thinks he’s got competition for my attention or affection. I would be getting in touch because I feel things were left unfinished and he was too big a part of my life to simply disengage from. But on balance now is not the right time to make contact so I will put any thoughts of that to one side.
Good luck with your date Gara . Enjoy your meal inside. Sounds like a treat in itself

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 - I’m trying to remain calm and unfazed

@Onesmallstep67 I know I don't post much but I'd say, if Mr cocky hasn't contacted you then I wouldn't contact him. Just enjoy Mr V

So... I did join tinder and have a couple of chats going. Which in itself is a surprise given how few I swipe left (?) on! Hilariously, one is a guy who I matched with on pof before I freaked and deleted my profile. He disappeared after a couple of messages, and has done the same this time 😂 I don't think he remembered as I started my message, hello again, winky face. And he didn't mention it! Mr Finance seems normal so far but we'll see. It's a bit of fun anyway.

Hmmmmm.....tried “diving” into the sea of twats and just keeping my finger on the “swipe yes”

I actually think (early stages) there’s better looking matches than would be otherwise?

I’m getting courted by a few nutters but that happens even with selective swiping

@SpringlikeBunk

Hmmmmm.....tried “diving” into the sea of twats and just keeping my finger on the “swipe yes”

I actually think (early stages) there’s better looking matches than would be otherwise?

I’m getting courted by a few nutters but that happens even with selective swiping

Which app are you using? And when you say better looking matches, do they not just look like their profile pics? I sometimes worry I'm being too picky but the photos on there are frequently truly awful!

@Misty9

It’s Tinder

You know sometimes you have long streaks of really unattractive looking profiles.

I’m not being judgey (as in I’m not talking only 6’4 hunks with great jobs are attractive )

but just the kind of guys not many women would swipe on who are clearly creepy and make no effort etc

Dude was saying if you swipe yes on everyone/most people you get more matches.

So the Tinder algorithm sees you’re “more desirable” with more matches and puts you with more “desirable” people who also get more matches (again when I say desirable I just mean “not obviously creepy nutters!”)

So far seems to be working for me - normally seems to be 30-40 oddballs before one good profile now it’s less!

I’m guessing (geeking) that if you think you’re swiping more selectively the algorithm doesn’t give you “similar blokes to those you’ve matched with”

it marks you as “not very many matches, put in the stack of people who don’t get many matches either”

On the negative side, a lot of scary potato men now think I fancy them

Laughing at your scary potato men conundrum @SpringlikeBunk 🤣
@GaraMedouar good luck for your date tonight, enjoy the curry if not the company!
@Onesmallstep67 I'm in a similar ish situation in that I need proper closure from Mr O. He and I supported each other through a whole heap of shit but we've come to the end of the road. Even though it ended a bit badly, I kind of want to thank him(?). I'm still pondering this, would be interesting to hear what you decide to do.
On a kind of date/fwb situ this eve. Probably not wise but we've been upfront about expectations!

If >matches are over x in one 24 hour period add profiles appearing stack by 2 x x< >if @SpringlikeBunk is new user add 4 x x to stack<

This and only this is the reason it should be à numbers game. Not really how many people you go on dates with, but how large the pool of twats is that you can swim in. Then some will bob along on the tide who are less twattish.

This last time I went on OLD I kind of banked on that and along came Mr Bear 🐻 who's been being very selective and had hardly had any matches. He came after about 100 swipes on Hinge and about 200 on Bumble. And his profile wasn't the best but he had an honest face and I thought he was worth a swipe. He was then very good on communicating, nor overly so, and we went on a date within a couple of weeks of matching and one week after our first video call. He'd been on OLD for about 6 months and had 3 dates & had been playing the slow burn game but had had very few matches. Me being the hyper geek person I am had decided to play my best guess at the algorithm game and had had loads of matches and several offers of dates etc which I then unmatched from after date 2 with 🐻. It might have been too soon but I can't do multi dating and told them as much but grabbed a few phone numbers from the nicest ones, which I hope I don't need to use but it made me feel like I was at least getting something from all that effort.

@GaraMedouar so pleased you've got an indoor date tonight 😃

[quote Onesmallstep67]**@Eesha* and @GaraMedouar* thank you for your thoughts. I’m definitely not consciously looking for Mr Cocky to up his game if he thinks he’s got competition for my attention or affection. I would be getting in touch because I feel things were left unfinished and he was too big a part of my life to simply disengage from. But on balance now is not the right time to make contact so I will put any thoughts of that to one side.
Good luck with your date Gara . Enjoy your meal inside. Sounds like a treat in itself [/quote]
If I can add my thoughts, I've been here too @Onesmallstep67 and what the others say I second.

Thinking about it, and reading the various posts, it's kind of like an extension of the mental load we take on while dating sometimes. Organising, questioning. But in this case it's the load of organising closure.

However, there's a part of me that would message if I'm about to block and have nothing more to do with him. Just so that you don't go down the ghosting route. Only you can know what's going to make you feel lighter.

There is someone who used to be a friend who has been putting himself into the role of having an EA with me for several years now. Sometimes I've found him helpful other times I've found him a drag on my mental health because he has put me in that position. I'm thinking again that I might block him although he hasn't contacted me in a while. But given our shared history I feel that I would say to him - MicroMan I am blocking you because you trigger a drag on my mental health as you have never honestly addressed the way you try to use our friendship. But only because it would make me feel lighter.

Sorry to be so self referential in all my flipping posts but it's the only way I can describe why I've got to particular decisions.

@SpringlikeBunk

On the negative side, a lot of scary potato men now think I fancy them

🤣🤣🤣 🥔🥔🥔

@BelladiMamma

I know I might bump into one of them around lol and they’ll be “hi babe!”

Conversely I may be someone’s “potato woman” - someone they’ve just swiped on to game the algorithm with no interest in me!

Well, I followed the algorithm theory, swiped right on twenty men consecutively and nine were a match. I suppose that's not bad.

Sent them all a wave. Two have replied. Literally in the last five minutes. So.....I'm swimming pools in the SofTs......

Four have now replied!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

I know I might bump into one of them around lol and they’ll be “hi babe!”

Conversely I may be someone’s “potato woman” - someone they’ve just swiped on to game the algorithm with no interest in me![/quote]
'Babe' 🥔🤦🏻‍♀️😱🤪

@VanGoghsDog

Well, I followed the algorithm theory, swiped right on twenty men consecutively and nine were a match. I suppose that's not bad.

Sent them all a wave. Two have replied. Literally in the last five minutes. So.....I'm swimming pools in the SofTs......

Four have now replied!

Wow! Fab. I did used to have a one line copy and paste message that I'd personalise for each one.

And yes, I have spent a long time working in digital and email marketing & also ran a matching platform for a long time ... not a dating one but one of our first investors was Match.com.

I honestly don't feel this makes me an expert as if the platform is doing well (Bumble, Tinder), the algorithms do change ... and emotions creep into it with dating!!!

Five chats. One to dump for being four thousand miles away. And another for a pic with his tongue out and a gold chain. Then one with long hair to go too.

Two live ones look OK. Four not replied.

Arf at us all trying “diving headfirst into the SoT”

There’s like loads of thread lurkers and readers too so they’ll all be trying it as well!

I wonder if guys do it more often - like they aren’t fussed if they get lots of slightly odd looking matches?

Whereas as a woman we’re thinking more about safety, being sexually threatened, privacy, being accused of “asking for it”/“leading men on” etc so we’re more self conscious about it?