Dating thread 204 - surfing the SeaofTwits

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

[quote DudeFromThatLondon]@Isitreallyme77 - did he say why he cheated? Context makes a difference sometimes. I can't say I would like it, but more inclined to be forgiving if it's a tale of long-term relationship neglect (which it often it is).[/quote]
It’s always a case of relationship neglect isn’t it? ‘My wife doesn’t understand me’

I agree with Sorting and Van - boundary testing. Be careful.

@Isitreallyme77

Thanks *@SortingItOut and @cravingthelook*

I was cheated on by my first boyfriend when I was 19 and then by two subsequent ones so I've had experience of it, they weren't even long relationships (longest was 2 years) so I couldn't imagine what it must be like if you were in long term relationships with kids. It must be devastating and I always think if you aren't happy walk away don't hurt other people by lying.

I suppose at least he has been honest and seems genuinely sorry for it.

My husband had emotional affairs for 17 years, he was always sorry when he was found out but he still did it time and time again.

How do you know he is genuinely sorry?
You've only got his word for it.

My husband would probably tell people he is genuinely sorry but honestly its unlikely to be true, the reason for his affairs were linked to needing an ego boost and I have no doubt if he was with someone else he wouldnt hesitate to cheat.

I don't believe there is ever a reason to cheat, if you and your wife aren't getting on or having sex you discuss it like grown ups and either agree on what to do or you seperate.
Most affairs are linked to boosting of egos.

As I said everyone can set their own boundaries wherever they like but you do have to stick to them otherwise whats the point in having them.

I agree with @DudeFromThatLondon @SortingItOut @VanGoghsDog

It seems TMI - getting too intense for before date zero?

I agree with the above actually that it's intense for the first few days chatting, and "naughty boy" doesn't sound contrite at all.

I can see all your points now. It does sound a little strange that he's just come out with it on the first date.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I can see all your points now. It does sound a little strange that he's just come out with it on the first date.

Sorry, I meant before the first date!

Can't work out if MrPM is annoying me or not.

Going to stay in the game for now and see what the next meet brings.

I get the vibe either:

1. HJNTIM

1. He's one of those fairly "dry" messagers but good in person. Which hopefully we can assess when we meet again.

I guess MrC who I last messaged a lot was Mr Super Communicator - very chatty, lots of emoticons/enthusiasm etc. But MrPM seems a bit more reserved. Although he's a better match than MrC on paper.

Sounds weird but I don't really have a healthy idea of what normal communication is like - my first two serious relationships were very "odd/imbalanced" and I don't really have a family or social group template to work to.

So I'll just play it day by day and see how it goes.

The thing is though MrC was too enthusiastic about the way I looked so maybe rushed in a bit (and avoided the fact that I don't want marriage/children). So it's not a bad thing that MrPM is a bit more cautious.

On our first meet he said basically "he'd like to have another date with more time together" which is how I feel as well, really!

Thanks everyone, you're all right it does feel like too much info so soon. It took Computer Geek 4 months of messaging to tell me he cheated. I just don't know what to do for the best.

@Isitreallyme77

it's down to you really as we're all just strangers/words on a screen, but personally I'd throw him back into the pond/detach.

I've personally found one of the key skills for negotiating the apps and staying sane is elimination - not having slightly weird contacts hanging around too long?

A few years ago I'd keep in touch with people who were a bit "off" just to play the numbers game, but now as soon as someone has small red flags I just unmatch/block.

Eg in my last round of dating I had two guys who looked GREAT catches on paper, were willing to lead and chat enthusiastically and didn't fizzle out!

but after a couple days contact got the vibe they were trying to "suss out my boundaries for a hookup"? they were keen because they were sex hounds, not because they were into my profile.

I know people use apps for casual and that's cool, it was just the sneakiness that annoyed me - trying to "trick" me into thinking they wanted a dating situation but subtly checking my boundaries for a "DTF/hookup" first meet.

I just blocked/unmatched etc as soon as I cottoned on (whatsapp and on apps). No need to discuss or give reasons.

@SpringlikeBunk some excellent advice there. I wish I could have you on my shoulder, Yoda style, to just remind me of my worth and not to put up with shite. This too: one of the key skills for negotiating the apps and staying sane is elimination - not having slightly weird contacts hanging around too long is such good advice especially for someone new to the apps. I've collected all kinds of oddballs from my relatively short time on tinder.
What was Mr PM like in person, communication wise? Mr Polo was a terrible texter and I second guessed if he was interested for some time. But in person there was no doubt.

@Heartbeats0708

Yes it's like as "friends" I don't need random weird blokes who "blur the boundaries" with dates and only communicate with a hint of "sex chat".

I guess in my 20's I saw myself as fairly liberal/"got on well with men" etc. And a guy I've met on the apps is often more "available" than mainstream friends in terms of contact.

But often the guys didn't see me as an equal and didn't value my emotional and intellectual side, if that makes sense at all?

I thought they were "friends" - they saw me as potential sex source and were simply hovering for that. what I saw as "banter" they saw as sex talk.

Unless we have LOADS in common on paper and similar social groups etc (which can happen on apps)

Often they'd have the wrong idea about our "friendship" and I was being a bit naive and cool girl thinking I could treat them like a mate I knew normally or had met through work/study.

MrPM is fairly slow in messaging (but always has been) but hasn't ever "not messaged back or been flaky".

Also he's typing in his second language. I had a look at his social media stuff (he gave me details) and he's quite brief on there as well (doesn't really follow any women etc).

So not bad but not good.

He's messaged back affirmatively about every plan I've suggested and did say when we met that he'd be cool if I just told him "what to do and where to get to" for second meet.

I guess I'm a bit worried he's finished his work period and "chercez la femme" as he can now socialise a bit more.

But I'll just push ahead and see if we can get to the second meet and go from there

Evening all. I'm wavering about staying off the apps, mainly because I find the evenings a bit lonely and I miss having that someone to connect with. But then I come and read all your current experiences and think maybe not!

My current distraction technique is to graze constantly it seems... So maybe I should join up before I'm the size of a house

I do think I've got a lot of negative self-talk from past trauma over unreliability and flakiness?

So even if he's sending something positive, I'm reading it and panicking.

It's the whole "shark cage" thing isn't it?

If we have a few negative social or romantic experiences, we start having paranoia about small things from decent well-meaning people and our "guard is up".

So then the only guys who get past our boundaries again will be "love bombers or intense manipulative types", and the vicious cycle starts again.

@Misty9

Always good to lurk!

If you do decide to get back on the apps, you could always put something like "here for chatting and new friends only" and not meet anyone for dates. So just control it all and take it slow.

Parked up at the pub waiting for Mr Surgeon. He could meet earlier in the end... I'm nervous 😩😅 will check in later x

@Bbub

Good luck, enjoy

@Bbub

Parked up at the pub waiting for Mr Surgeon. He could meet earlier in the end... I'm nervous 😩😅 will check in later x

Good luck @Bbub. Hope it goes well 🤞🏻❤️

I had my night with MrWG last night, he stayed over which I wasn't expecting. He cooked dinner. We had gins and tonics.

It was lovely. We didn't DTD (hate that acronym) but everything else, he's really kissy and cuddly, great snogger. Brought me tea in bed this morning (I trained him last night how to make it).

Oh dear....... :)

@Misty9

Evening all. I'm wavering about staying off the apps, mainly because I find the evenings a bit lonely and I miss having that someone to connect with. But then I come and read all your current experiences and think maybe not!

My current distraction technique is to graze constantly it seems... So maybe I should join up before I'm the size of a house

This!

God he's bloody gorgeous and charming 😳 quite full on though. But glad I came!!

Lol @Bbub enjoy 😊

Sounds lovely @VanGoghsDog

I'm feeling yearning for a nice date myself - if there's not something booked in with MrPM soon I'm going back in

@Bbub

God he's bloody gorgeous and charming 😳 quite full on though. But glad I came!!

@Bbub

@VanGoghsDog

I had my night with MrWG last night, he stayed over which I wasn't expecting. He cooked dinner. We had gins and tonics.

It was lovely. We didn't DTD (hate that acronym) but everything else, he's really kissy and cuddly, great snogger. Brought me tea in bed this morning (I trained him last night how to make it).

Oh dear....... :)

Glad you had a good time, @VanGoghsDog ❤️