Dating thread 204 - surfing the SeaofTwits

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Bbub

Yeh, I've found our NHS boys give good date when they're actually there.

So would agree with going for the later date if you want to and feel a connection - but I guess the scheduling situation is something to be mindful of later on!

There was a guy on POF who I didn't chat with, but his profile said he was a cardiac trainee

He wrote on his profile that to be perfectly honest he was only available 20% of the time normal men were available? But he'd try to be fully present then. Which seemed to agree with my opinion.

To be fair I think for some women these super-busy types might be the ideal match

If someone is super close to their mum or spending time with their own friends and colleagues, and really value saying they're dating a guy with X job it might work?

So they're not really going to be reliant on communication with someone they're dating, but they just turn up every now and then and they can say "this is my impressive boyfriend the cancer surgeon Dr Y!"

Or if they're happy doing a lot of the mental load/organising early on.

Or I guess some couples meet early so feel they're really "in sync" and already in the same social circles.

It's a lot harder to justify going out of your way for last minute dates with someone who is an "unknown quantity"

(especially if you don't know if they're seeing you as a serious prospect - there's a difference between and invitation to turn up late for a committed boyfriend to support them and turning up late for a hook-up?)

I think personally I'm best suited to guys who are a bit less intellectually geared/in pressurised lives than me (though not like stupid) but slightly more emotionally available and supportive?

@SpringlikeBunk 😂😂😂 our NHS boys 😁 love it, that made me laugh.
Gosh I'm totally like you I think, in that I want someone who's not so concerned about career achievements etc but has a lot to give emotionally. I went on a date before with a bin man who I think had been on prison before, and I think that was actually a bit extreme on the other side, but Mr career bollocks can fuck off. I want support not to be the support-giver.

I agree that for some this type of man would probably really suit. For me it's more than likely a non starter but maybe it will be a bit of fun. Will need to date both docs in order to get the experience of having 1 normal man around 🤔🤭

Very good idea @Bbub

Hopefully they will have opposite shift patterns so that’s one full Drboyfriend 🤭😄

Feeling a bit urgh tonight.
The talk of NHS men makes me feel a bit in sympathy with them in terms of what I can offer.
My life has so many demands and obstacles and I very much need to have -
a, someone who can just slot in after kids bedtime and be out before wake up, do all the commuting and be a secret (which I have in MrM but he's flakey AF and just isn't enough)
b, someone who will want to blend quickly and preferably be in the police or some profession that can withstand the shit slinging my ex would do
c, nobody
I feel so low atm, I find it so hard to trust people I don't already know and I've done 'living together apart' before and hated it. What I want is either more from MrM in terms of dates to keep me going until either blending with him or someone else.
I regret so much leaving my exH (though I had my kids with another man so can't regret it 100%) my exH was a lazy, gaming pot head but he was always there and made me laugh.
Any way, it must be bitter sweet for the career guys to have that amazing career but pay the price by being totally unfulfilled when searching for some square-peg-round-hole love (ex's who ignore their families' needs obviously bypass my sympathies!)
Not sure if I've worded that very well in my down and tipsy state 🤦‍♀️

@frankiefirstyear

Feeling a bit urgh tonight. The talk of NHS men makes me feel a bit in sympathy with them in terms of what I can offer. My life has so many demands and obstacles and I very much need to have - a, someone who can just slot in after kids bedtime and be out before wake up, do all the commuting and be a secret (which I have in MrM but he's flakey AF and just isn't enough) b, someone who will want to blend quickly and preferably be in the police or some profession that can withstand the shit slinging my ex would do c, nobody I feel so low atm, I find it so hard to trust people I don't already know and I've done 'living together apart' before and hated it. What I want is either more from MrM in terms of dates to keep me going until either blending with him or someone else. I regret so much leaving my exH (though I had my kids with another man so can't regret it 100%) my exH was a lazy, gaming pot head but he was always there and made me laugh. Any way, it must be bitter sweet for the career guys to have that amazing career but pay the price by being totally unfulfilled when searching for some square-peg-round-hole love (ex's who ignore their families' needs obviously bypass my sympathies!) Not sure if I've worded that very well in my down and tipsy state 🤦‍♀️

@frankiefirstyear Frankie, don't torture yourself like this. You'll only beat yourself up.

You sound like a great person, and you have so much to offer to someone. Yes, you might have made some bad decisions with dating, but I think everyone is guilty of that at some point. What you come out of and fight for, will only make you stronger, and we all learn in life.

You will find someone you makes you really really happy, trust me ❤️❤️❤️

@SpringlikeBunk that's an interesting observation. I think some women definitely wouldn't mind a partner who isn't always available. I realised that I've always tended to have long distance relationships, and on some level, that must have been an active choice. I need a lot of space and time to myself to recharge and have a few time consuming hobbies and sports. In non-pandemic times, it's ideal to have someone to meet up with just once or twice a week for dinner or a film or something nice, have someone to go on city breaks or little trips with, while still retaining lots of independence.

My last relationship wasn't long distance but he needed loads of space and didn't want to see me more than twice a week, and I fought it and it ended up tearing us apart. Now I wished I'd just let it be, because I think it actually was what I wanted, too. I just felt like I 'should' be spending most of my time with my partner because that's what most people seem to do.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thank you, it feels hopeless for me right now but I will bounce back and be pacified with the crumbs sent my way by the love gods soon no doubt 🤦‍♀️ the apps are calling but just didn't want to go down that road again as I feel I just waste peoples time (as MrKids accused me of when I let him go).

[quote frankiefirstyear]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thank you, it feels hopeless for me right now but I will bounce back and be pacified with the crumbs sent my way by the love gods soon no doubt 🤦‍♀️ the apps are calling but just didn't want to go down that road again as I feel I just waste peoples time (as MrKids accused me of when I let him go).
[/quote]
@frankiefirstyear what an awful thing of Mr Kids to say! Of course you don't waste people's time. Don't take any notice, some men get like this when a relationship spilts up, and try and blame you (my ex did this) it's not your fault at all.

Sending you lots of love and support ❤️❤️❤️

Yeh I definitely don’t mind guys who are long distance in principle.

Not sure what I want in terms of contact yet - I’m kind of feeling my way there?

Don’t want marriage and children though it’s a bit difficult with decent guys my age (MrC) maybe striving for that. Don’t want casual/sex focussed.

Ultimately don’t want to blend finances and homes as I have my own little goals.

I guess ideally someone to spend an occasional weekend with, holidays, some nights? See the world together and learn from each other.

I think starting with building a connection and seeing how things pan out is the goal.

@frankiefirstyear I agree with @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards we all have moments of isolation but please just practice self-care and ride it out - things may look very different in a few weeks time. Maybe set a date to review in your head how things are going with MrM?

@frankiefirstyear and there's no rush for you to go back on the apps. Make sure you take all the time you need to. ❤️

Happy birthday Shayelle!!

So I took everyone's advice and ditched Mr Racing.

Now I've been talking to this guy, Mr Transfer, he is nice (aren't they all at the beginning), the conversation feels good and not forced. Last night he asked how long my last relationship was and why it ended. I have no problem telling people the slightly edited version(no one needs to know the truth). When I asked him he said he cheated and it destroyed his marriage but he would never hurt anyone like that again. He was with her for 17 years, 3 kids. I know from my ex men do change especially when they realise what they lost and they live with that regret. He wants to meet this weekend (suggested Friday but I'm busy).

Mr Computer Geek cheated on the mother of his children too, why oh why do I seem to attract them.

Happy birthday @Shayelle2009

@Isitreallyme77sit Everyone has a boundary around cheating and you need to decide where your boundary is.
If that boundary is that a man will have no history of cheating then you should keep to that no matter the circumstances.

I know at the moment you are only chatting to him but you don't need to ignore boundaries just because you have no other potential irons.

Personally for me cheating is a huge no, even when I met people for FWB or FB I still had the same boundary and never met someone who cheated.

Personally I don't believe there is any excuse for cheating but others may feel differently.

Agree with @SortingItOut

However I will add, a guy that is honest and tells the truth and takes responsibility for it with remorse I'm more likely to chat to. It's on full balance of everything that I would make my final decision.

Thanks @SortingItOut and @cravingthelook

I was cheated on by my first boyfriend when I was 19 and then by two subsequent ones so I've had experience of it, they weren't even long relationships (longest was 2 years) so I couldn't imagine what it must be like if you were in long term relationships with kids. It must be devastating and I always think if you aren't happy walk away don't hurt other people by lying.

I suppose at least he has been honest and seems genuinely sorry for it.

Happy birthday @Shayelle2009! 🎂🍾🥂🎁🥳

@Isitreallyme77 full marks to Mr Transfer for being honest 🙂 i would just keep chatting to him and see how it goes. You don't have to meet him if you're still unsure about things, but I think building up a dialogue more will give you time to weigh up everything ❤️

@Isitreallyme77 wow I'm surprised by the honesty, glad he seems like he learned from it. I hate the "why did your last relationship break up" question as I always seem to have such messy, gory details in my rships.

Will you see him when you're free? No rush to decide though if you've only just matched with him.

@Isitreallyme77 - did he say why he cheated? Context makes a difference sometimes. I can't say I would like it, but more inclined to be forgiving if it's a tale of long-term relationship neglect (which it often it is).

I tend to think men telling you they've been cheats in the past is a red flag I'm afraid. I mean, telling you really early on.
Especially as he asked why your relationship ended first, he was waiting to tell you.
And I tend to feel this is a subtle test of your boundaries.

Telling you once you've dated a few times and are really getting to know each other, and it's in context, is a bit different. And I wouldn't be pleased if they lied about it to hide it.

But it's easy to tell you they have changed. My ex did all that. And cheated on me. He sounded very plausible. But I reckon he was subconsciously thinking "OK, so she'll date a cheater........" and the logical next step is "she'll put up with a cheater".

I always seem to have such messy, gory details in my rships.

You don't have to tell them all that though. "Ran its course", "wanted different things" etc are acceptable answers. And true in most cases on a reductive level!

@DudeFromThatLondon no he hasn't, he just said he had been a naughty boy in the past but has learnt from it (lost a lot of friends too). Computer Geek told me he had been struggling with something that had been a part of him for 20 years and that was why he cheated (I immediately thought he had cheated with a man, so did my friend). So yeah you're right context is important as in Computer Geek's case I was a little more lenient.

@Bbub I don't ever tell the full gory details they get the version we told our friends. Only my ex and I know the true reasons and that is how it will stay.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I think I might meet him, even if it is just out of curiosity but I'm going to keep chatting for a bit longer.

[quote Isitreallyme77]@DudeFromThatLondon no he hasn't, he just said he had been a naughty boy in the past but has learnt from it (lost a lot of friends too). Computer Geek told me he had been struggling with something that had been a part of him for 20 years and that was why he cheated (I immediately thought he had cheated with a man, so did my friend). So yeah you're right context is important as in Computer Geek's case I was a little more lenient.

@Bbub I don't ever tell the full gory details they get the version we told our friends. Only my ex and I know the true reasons and that is how it will stay.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I think I might meet him, even if it is just out of curiosity but I'm going to keep chatting for a bit longer.[/quote]
@Isitreallyme77 that makes sense. He might be more open with you in person ❤️

@Isitreallyme77 - hmmmm, naughty boy doesn’t sound v contrite.