Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf does not like giving oral

162 replies

thedukeofed · 12/05/2021 14:15

We're a few months in and all is wonderful. He told me from the first intimate occasion that he didn't Like giving oral but he felt that he had too.
He said that it's so warm , clammy down there and in the past didn't like the smell.
I'm not pushed on oral sex. It's never given me any pleasurable moments so I'm not upset that Im missing out. I could take or leave it .
He is a generous lover,always and we enjoy a spicy and varied sex life .
Is my Bar too low or would you be offended?
I explained that I would never want any intimate partner to feel that they' had' to do something that clearly disliked .

OP posts:
Original poster
thedukeofed · 13/05/2021 07:10

Can I ask why you wouldn't give a bj if he wouldn't give you oral , in a situation where you Love to give oral but he doesn't Like to give ?
I'm trying to make sense of that . Is it a punIshment ?

OP posts:
midnightstar66 · 13/05/2021 07:15

Can I ask why you wouldn't give a bj if he wouldn't give you oral , in a situation where you Love to give oral but he doesn't Like to give ?
I'm trying to make sense of that . Is it a punIshment ?

I wonder this too whenever there is a similar thread. I actually enjoy giving it but at best am not fussed about receiving and sometimes actually don't enjoy it, so I wouldn't stop doing it just because I wasn't receiving.

Branleuse · 13/05/2021 07:21

I wouldnt give a bj if my dp didnt want to do oral, as whilst I quite enjoy it, part of the enjoyment is psychological and about the intimacy and knowing he would do anything for my pleasure too. I dont actually get physical pleasure from giving head, and i would def not bother with it if it was off the table for me. Not so much a punishment but if hes gonna be all squeamish about my body, then i wont go the extra mile for him either. Thats how it works.

Original poster
thedukeofed · 13/05/2021 07:32

Ok@Branleuse I understand that now . I guess the difference is that I really enjoy giving bjs and don't see them as anything to be Squamish about.
If it was something I wasn't 100% enjoying , I simply
Wouldn't do it .. along with other sex acts that I will never engage in . Thanks for
Explaining

OP posts:
Branleuse · 13/05/2021 07:38

Do you get physical pleasure from doing it. Like you enjoy the sensation of doing it?

OverTheRubicon · 13/05/2021 07:38

I think a lot of people have a weird idea of tit for tat. It's about whether both people are feeling fulfilled and equally focussing on each others' pleasure, not whether you're doing exactly the same things.

For the 'I wouldn't actually mind but also wouldn't do blow jobs' crowd... Do you literally take exact turns in sex? Hmm

Original poster
thedukeofed · 13/05/2021 07:44

@ yes I love it

OP posts:
Sakurami · 13/05/2021 07:50

@thedukeofed your mouth doesn't get pleasure from his penis in it. It just doesn't. The reason you love it is because you are pleasuring him and you are controlling it etc. And that is what oral sex is about.

DangerNature · 13/05/2021 07:59

I don’t particularly care about receiving oral and I think that my DP picked up on that after the first few times because he never tried again. I find it awkward and a bit tickly. He is very unselfish in bed though and takes care of me first. I like giving oral and he likes receiving it. However if I decided not to give it again he wouldn’t mind either and he has never asked me for it.

I think the key point here is if he expects you to give it. Would he be unhappy if you didn’t? Are you only doing it because he expects it? I think your answer lies there. If you are happy with your current set up and don’t particularly like it then what is the problem?

Original poster
thedukeofed · 13/05/2021 08:10

If I didn't give him oral ever again , he would naturally be disappointed I think but it. Wouldn't change our relationship. I respect his likes and dislikes and he respects mine . I give it to him because I love the physical Side of it but also his pleasure adds to
My pleasure .

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/05/2021 08:41

@OverTheRubicon

I think a lot of people have a weird idea of tit for tat. It's about whether both people are feeling fulfilled and equally focussing on each others' pleasure, not whether you're doing exactly the same things.

For the 'I wouldn't actually mind but also wouldn't do blow jobs' crowd... Do you literally take exact turns in sex? Hmm

It's not weird tit for tat, it's looking if there's any hypocrisy.

Like a bloke who keeps pressuring for anal sex. You would rarely find one who was willing to be penetrated up the arse first.

sunrayscome · 13/05/2021 08:43

@CorianderBee
Thank you - I told my last partner that I did not do BJ as I wanted to be upfront and honest - he was understanding at first but always tried to initiate a BJ - he went off with someone else and I am convinced this was one or the man factor,
Previous relationship I used to get so nervous as I knew that a BJ would be the expectation I got severe IBS - i never went through with a BJ and this relationship ended too. I confided in a friend and she was horrified I do not do BJ
I am not a prude but quite shy and low self esteem - I think it stems back from an ex telling me I was not doing it right !But the thought of a dick in mu mouth repulses me equally someone 'down there on me' as the other post said - discharge, periods, hair etc urgh

Branleuse · 13/05/2021 09:17

@OverTheRubicon

I think a lot of people have a weird idea of tit for tat. It's about whether both people are feeling fulfilled and equally focussing on each others' pleasure, not whether you're doing exactly the same things.

For the 'I wouldn't actually mind but also wouldn't do blow jobs' crowd... Do you literally take exact turns in sex? Hmm

I wouldnt call it tit for tat, but im just much more willing to be uninhibited and willing to give my partner pleasure, if he is the same for me.

I alsolutely wouldnt expect a partner to do a sexual act he didnt like, but if he honestly didnt like the way I tasted or smelled, then I sure as fuck am not going to start giving myself jaw-ache for him either.
Ultimately id see it as a sexual incompatibility. A squeamish man is rarely a good lover. Sex can be sweaty and dirty at times, and if you find all that a turn off rather than erotic in itself, then we aint gonna get on long term.
You may call it tit for tat, but I call it give and take and yes I do expect that

OverTheRubicon · 13/05/2021 09:46

@gamerchick @Branleuse my point is that give and take doesn't have to be equal. It is entirely reasonable and ok not to enjoy putting your mouth on someone else's genitals, no matter how much you love them and want them to experience great sexual pleasure. That's not how I feel, but I get it.

I also don't see why cunnilingus = blow job so it's both or neither. She might hate BDSM (which he quite enjoys but isn't that fussed about) and he hates going down on her (which she quite enjoys but isn't fussed about), but they both love reverse cowgirl, or water play, or what ever it is, and maybe he will spend an hour giving her a massage with a happy ending, which doesn't do much for him but he loves seeing her so happy as it's her favourite, while she will give him a blow job, which doesn't do much for her but he loves - but maybe she won't swallow, as that's her hard no..etc etc. Don't see why that is necessarily unbalanced.

Branleuse · 13/05/2021 09:59

well noones stopping you from doing it to your boyfriend if you want to do it. You do you. If youre happy with never getting oral, but still love giving it, then thats fine.

I think saying its tit for tat makes it sound loaded and unreasonable, when actually it boils down to the more my partner does for me, the more ill do for him, and the better time we all have. Im coming from the perspective of knowing id be disappointed and frustrated about not getting oral sex, so id sooner take the whole act off the table both ways than feel that it was one sided and that his pleasure was more important than mine

Branleuse · 13/05/2021 10:08

also coming from a perspective that there are a lot of very selfish lovers out there that are very happy to recieve but not give pleasure, and its so boring and clichéd, and women basing their whole sexuality about how much pleasure they can give, and how they perform to men and please them, rather than getting in touch with their own pleasure. There could be all sorts of reasons a woman would feel uncomfortable with someone that close to their genitals, because of societies messages about it, and then men come along telling us it smells or tastes funny but yeah, you can do it to me, thats different. I think they need to grow up a bit. Theyll probably also wonder why their girlfriends go off sex once initial honeymoon infatuation has passed.

LindaEllen · 13/05/2021 10:13

Imagine if it was the other way round, and someone was considering leaving their female partner because she didn't like giving blow jobs.

He doesn't like it, and you're not bothered. So what's the issue?

tentosix · 13/05/2021 10:16

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I would hate someone felt they were pushing into something they didn't like. Sex isn't a barter system. You give me oral and I will do the same

Branleuse · 13/05/2021 10:20

@LindaEllen

Imagine if it was the other way round, and someone was considering leaving their female partner because she didn't like giving blow jobs.

He doesn't like it, and you're not bothered. So what's the issue?

I dont see the issue with that either. Sexual incompatibility is a completely normal reason to break up
osbertthesyrianhamster · 13/05/2021 10:21

@LindaEllen

Imagine if it was the other way round, and someone was considering leaving their female partner because she didn't like giving blow jobs.

He doesn't like it, and you're not bothered. So what's the issue?

Why shouldn't they leave a new boyfriend/girlfriend (you've only been dating a few months and they're a 'partner'? Hmm ) if they're sexually incompatible? There have been plenty of posts stating a man who wants oral would be perfectly reasonable to leave a relationship if it's not forthcoming.
grapewine · 13/05/2021 10:24

@Howshouldibehave

Having read your update that he loves you giving him blow jobs, it would actually really piss me off that he loves getting oral sex but thinks it’s too warm, clammy and smelly to do to you!
Yeah. He just sounds selfish now.
Sakurami · 13/05/2021 10:27

This. It isn't so much about the act itself, it is the fact that if I thought someone was squeamish about things being wet and stuff and turned off by something like that I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself the same way. Sex does go hand in hand with bodily fluids and I wouldn't be happy accepting something when I wasn't willing to do the same. And how can you relax when your partner thinks your sex's genitals are clammy and smelly? Surely that makes you feel self conscious?

It isn't like anal sex which can be painful for example.

Original poster
thedukeofed · 13/05/2021 10:56

He is not squeamish about my bodily fluids. In fact he loves how I respond
to him in that way and it turns him on hugely .He doesn't want to use his face or mouth to stimulate me down there like he does with his hands / fingers. I don't take this personally. He more than satisfies me and always it me first .
I guess I've never had a man who didn't like to do it or at least be so honest or blunt in how he feels about it. It's new to me .
It didn't hurt me personally as he was not speaking about me . He told me that he didn't enjoy doing it but he felt that he had to , which I can't get my head around .
We trreat each other sexually, equally
but not the same . If a man doesn't like french kissing and a woman does, does the woman refuse to kiss him , for example?

Sadly I know plenty of women who loathe giving oral sex but do it to keep their partners happy and not grumpy .They usually give it reluctantly for Christmas or their birthdays as a special request.

OP posts:
rumred · 13/05/2021 11:44

It's the underlying misogyny that's the problem. Look at how society views vulva and penis. The former is often seen as dirty, smelly and unpleasant. Porn usually treats womens as a useful collection of orifices.
Dislike of oral is often due to this underlying disgust with women's vulvas. In my opinion and experience. Women also have been brainwashed to believe their vulvas are shameful. It's so sad and so unfair

cosmicbabe · 13/05/2021 12:09

So you're defending his choice for not wanting to go down on you, so what was your post regarding? Did you want to know if other men felt the same? I'm confused Confused

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.