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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband does not speak. *MNHQ edited title*

174 replies

HelpWendy · 12/05/2021 01:00

My husband is so so so so so quiet. Unless he is making idle chit chat with a friend or acquittance. Very good at asking surface level questions and maintaining a fairly unenergetic but basic conversation. Absolutely nothing more than that, it's like he physically can't.

I've gone through the ringer thinking I expect too much, memories of pre marriage now make me think that he just went along with me or entertained my chat.

But there's nothing. I am finding it unbearable and horrifically lonely and depressing. 2 little kids and my heart is breaking thinking of a broken or not broken marriage.

But I'm stuck and although he has absolutely nothing to say about anything other than the dishwasher or whether we need milk he is a good person.

What would you do. I'm 40 and genuinely scared of a dead future.

I've posted before but keen to know of any other women whose husband's literally say nothing substantial.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 12/05/2021 01:05

I think you need to change your title as he is not ‘a mute’.

PleaseSendNoodles · 12/05/2021 01:09

I’m confused... has he always been this quiet or is this a recent thing? If it’s the first option... surely you knew that when you married him?! Confused

Extrahotcoffee · 12/05/2021 01:12

Hi OP, I had a boyfriend like that, nice guy, just had nothing to say.

Enough4me · 12/05/2021 01:17

Are you asking open and probing questions, ones that could encourage some creative thinking, such as "what is your wildest fantasy?" Or "if you were prime minister, what change would you make that I wouldn't expect?".

TaraR2020 · 12/05/2021 01:19

Op, have you ever spoken to him about it?

In the first instance I'd look to see if its something you can resolve between the two of you but if you've been there, done that and are unhappy in your marriage then in your shoes I would be considering a new life.

Original poster
HelpWendy · 12/05/2021 01:19

@pleasesendnoodles - yes you are correct and I was not very PC. Sorry if I have caused offense to anyone.

OP posts:
GingerScallop · 12/05/2021 01:33

@HelpWendy Just ask MN to edit for you

me4real · 12/05/2021 01:39

My dad is a bit like that. Eventually my mum separated from him and they divorced.

@HelpWendy What is he like to live with in other ways? Moods, atmosphere, sex, financial contribution, whatever else comes to mind?

I imagine if someone is like this there's usually some other stuff going on.

Singinginshower · 12/05/2021 01:48

Does he work OP? Is he able to talk more about something he is specifically interested in, rather than more abstract stuff?

RoseRedCityHalfAsOldAsTime · 12/05/2021 01:50

You are right to be concerned - life is not all about whether you've run out of milk!

I think you need more interesting shared experiences, so you have some subjects you both find easy to talk about.

Watching tv/films together, going out to places, a craft or hobby you do together, planning a holiday, a garden layout or a change of decor, a pet you both want, visiting family...

CatAndHisKit · 12/05/2021 02:02

What happens if you ask him questions that are not basic / want to discuss the news etc?
Do you think it's a lack of intelligence or he is just not a sharer/ ont imterested in people much?

CatAndHisKit · 12/05/2021 02:02

*not interested

1forAll74 · 12/05/2021 02:33

I think that some people who don't communicate well, and don't show any interest in most things, are generally very unhappy inside themselves, for many reasons. They tend to be very introverted,and prefer their own thoughts about their own life.

HidingFromTheChildren · 12/05/2021 03:17

I'm one of these people. I just never have anything to say, not even basic chit chat...but I don't care, it's just how I am.

It's all just pointless words anyway mostly.

It sounds like you should leave your marriage. I'm 40 too & it's now or never basically.

Guavafish · 12/05/2021 04:09

Do you do anything together? Hobbies etc etc?

Monty27 · 12/05/2021 04:32

Was he always like this OP?
If so, what did you see in him?

Llamasally · 12/05/2021 04:35

I suffer from depression and become like this when having a bad episode- something to think about?

Fucket · 12/05/2021 04:43

Well I suppose I can be a bit like your DH. My DH and I have been married for 10 years now. He’s been wfh for the last 12 months + and has turned himself into the covid recluse. All he wants to talk about is covid. All I want to do when I’m home from work is forget about covid. We have run out of things to say really. It’s hard to get enthusiastic about a conversation about the dishwasher as you say. I’ve heard all his life stories and he mine already. We mainly talk about the children and their schooling. I’m studying atm and it’s not a subject he is familiar with.

When we both were at home during lockdown we got a shared interest. We cannot do that now so yes we have run out of things to say.

Has covid killed the conversation or was it already dead. I cannot wait to go back to doing the things we used to love pre-covid.

I can see why not having a shared interest becomes a death sentence to a marriage.

rockpaperscissorsagain · 12/05/2021 04:54

What's your conversation dynamic like? Do you ask him plenty of questions or just tell him about your own thoughts and then leave him silences to fill? Or something else?

crapbuttrue · 12/05/2021 05:01

Any SEN traits? If he's not neurotypical there may be an explanation for this. If he wasn't as bad as this before you married him he might have just been masking and now he feels safe enough not to do so.

georgarina · 12/05/2021 05:04

My dad is like this. He's good in company but at home he'll sit in silence and if you try and talk to him he gets annoyed.

I grew up by myself with him and couldn't live with another person like that now.

Bluetrews25 · 12/05/2021 05:40

So, if I told you you would have to live like this with him for the next 25 years, how would you feel?
If it fills you with dismay, you have your answer. People don't change much, so don't expect him to. You can't control him, only your reaction to him.

FrozenVag · 12/05/2021 06:24

@HelpWendy

My child WAS mute for years and I find your title so hurtful

Get this changed please

Hopeisnotastrategy · 12/05/2021 06:28

Hi OP. Just a thought, but what's his hearing like? I ask because someone I know well has become less chatty since they developed hearing difficulties. It's not that they aren't interested, it's just that it's harder work nowadays, especially when they are tired.

The other thing of course is that after the last 14 months it's not surprising that many of us find we have less than usual to talk about, without so many of the usual stimuli. That may or may not be true about you, but maybe a couple of points to consider.

Definately · 12/05/2021 06:38

I was this person. He talked at me about his own hobbies and interests and work constantly. When I wanted to talk about my own he would find it hard to show any interest, or sometimes roll his eyes in front of me, or flat out tell me why what I was saying was wrong/boring/stupid. If I had an issue about work I wanted to discuss he didn't want to hear it, he'd say oh well at least you have a job. But I'd be subjected to a 30 minute rant on the minutest detail of his work. Eventually I just stopped talking at all.

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