My husband does not speak. *MNHQ edited title*

[HelpWendy]

My husband is so so so so so quiet. Unless he is making idle chit chat with a friend or acquittance. Very good at asking surface level questions and maintaining a fairly unenergetic but basic conversation. Absolutely nothing more than that, it's like he physically can't.

I've gone through the ringer thinking I expect too much, memories of pre marriage now make me think that he just went along with me or entertained my chat.

But there's nothing. I am finding it unbearable and horrifically lonely and depressing. 2 little kids and my heart is breaking thinking of a broken or not broken marriage.

But I'm stuck and although he has absolutely nothing to say about anything other than the dishwasher or whether we need milk he is a good person.

What would you do. I'm 40 and genuinely scared of a dead future.

I've posted before but keen to know of any other women whose husband's literally say nothing substantial.

[SunflowersAndLavender]

Whoops, sorry, completely wrong cut and paste!

There's also the trope of the very intelligent person who doesn't speak much. Some of them are so arrogant that they think there's no point them trying to explain things to us normals.

[BertramLacey]

@SunflowersAndLavender I have more of a problem with people who know bugger all explaining stuff to me that I actually know a lot about! Honestly irl I just keep quiet about most things. IME explaining things doesn't go down well. It might seem like I don't want to explain things to 'normal' people. The reality is that I find it doesn't go down well if I do try to explain things.

[SunflowersAndLavender]

Ha yes I know exactly what you mean. Someone upthread suggested that the OP's husband either has Asperger's or depression.

The worst, waffling, patronising mansplainer who loved the sound of his own wisdom spouting forth that I ever knew was also a man I suspect has Asperger's.

Some men with ASD will be almost silent with no small talk skills, others will never STFU.

[SkodaKodiaq]

@Beautiful3

He is not a mute. My father is mute due to a disability. You're complaining because your husband doesnt chat to you very often?!!! Please change the title!

I think you're being a bit precious there!!

[BertramLacey]

@SkodaKodiaq The thread was started yesterday. As it states, the title was changed by MNHQ. Before the change, the OP had used the word 'mute' which is why that poster responded in that way.

[Beautiful3]

@BertramLacey

"@SkodaKodiaq The thread was started yesterday. As it states, the title was changed by MNHQ. Before the change, the OP had used the word 'mute' which is why that poster responded in that way. "

@BertramLacey, thank you for explaining, my lovely.

[HelpWendy]

So I am still here in the same dilemma. We are so close to breaking up now, just no thread or connection between us. I have two small kids and I am dying inside at the thought of turning everyone’s life upside for my own needs. Maybe I should be grateful for what I have as he is good man. I have a really active life but this aspect is really dragging me down, I didn’t know how important it was to me and took it for granted as a given, that husband would naturally want to communicate with me or wanted to get to me or talk about shite or the future.

It’s like I am looking for someone to say it’s okay, you won’t screw the kids up, you’ll be fine on your own. But underneath I feel like my needs are selfish and I am going to screw everything up.

[HelpWendy]

Just reread the thread and it’s all there. Maybe it just takes a bit of time to brave up.

[HelpWendy]

[quote SafferUpNorth]@HelpWendy... help us out here!

Has he always been like this? In which case, what did you see in him and why did you marry him?

Or is this a change in him? If so, perhaps there is some depression, money worries or something else for which he needs help.

What is the rest of your life together like? Sex; his interest / interaction with kids; his and your jobs; things you do together etc? If he's not working he might just feel purposeless. This could lead to depression and being very withdrawn.[/quote]
No sex but that’s probably now my fault, as we are so distant, I don’t know who he is as he doesn’t offer himself up at all; he no interest in doing anything with me other than the domestic, nothing. I’ve asked him about this, did he not envisage at least part of a marriage being sharing some sort of joy and pleasure together as a couple, or did he not want fun and a bit an occasional laugh, when I ask him this he either had a blank stare or says that maybe he doesn’t rate it as highly. Sometimes that makes me angry as I feel tricked, but I honestly don’t think he even gets it. Both in reasonably successful jobs, happy enough without being passionate about them. He’s good with the kids but I sort of think that suits him, they’re simple I guess and there’s no depth or complexity with them as there can be with adult conversations.

Sometimes I think I must sound like an arse, but honestly I miss adult conversation so much.

[HelpWendy]

Yes not thick at all, but zero intellectual curiosity, unless he camouflages it all on the inside.

[Skybluepinkgiraffe]

My husband is very quiet and I have to work quite hard at having an abstract kind of a conversation. I'm working very hard on being a more active listener, and I've found that if I do it right, he actually has a lot of interesting things to say. He tends to think nobody wants to know his thoughts ( there's some childhood trauma) It's been much easier to fall into a habit of me prattling on, so I've had to break that habit.
Not at all saying that's the case for you, but it's what's helping us. DH would be quite happy working and watching TV and only conversing about what's for dinner and when to mow the lawn but it's not really enough for me.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, especially with young children. I wonder if he's depressed?
Either way, if it's not working and you're not happy, and he won't address it, you have every reason to leave him. It won't do the children any good to be in a home with unhappy parents.
You're really not an arse, and decent adult conversation isn't a lot to ask

[Keepithidden]

Is he suffering any form of resentment or ill will towards you at all? I rarely open up to my partner because of this, but have no problem engaging in conversation with anyone else, DCs included. It's a defence mechanism for me though.

Just a thought.

[Dacquoise]

It's okay to leave, you will be okay, he will be okay. It will be tough for a while and you may get a lot of judgemental nonsense from people who don't live in your shoes.

Your children will need a lot of support. They may act out at the change in their world but eventually with consistent love and support, they will survive.

My DD is thriving without her DF and his ways.

Also, modelling a healthy relationship for them where both parties needs are met is far better than a silent self absorbed partner happy at the expense of the other frustrated and lonely partner. It is not wrong to want a 'relationship' with two way communication.

[Arrivederla]

Op, I left a similar marriage but I stayed for almost 30 years before I plucked up the courage to go. Don't be me. You will damage your dc if you bring them up in an atmosphere like this where they have to watch their mother getting sadder and sadder.

Be kind, try to stay friends with him if you can, but go and live a happy life.

[Zerrin13]

OP have you considered that he could also be much happier if tge marriage ended?
Like you, he may feel unable to just come out and say that a separation is what is required. Maybe he feels guilty about disrupting your life and your children's lives? If he never instigates a conversation, never wants to spend any leisure time together and you arnt having sex then possibly he is dialling down your relationship to nothing?
There is something so soul-destroying about trying to share a life with someone who doesn't want to share it. If you feel you have tried to raise these issues with him and have impressed upon him the need for change with no result, you only really have 2 options. Accept this miserable marriage, plod on and become mentally scarred by the rejection or tell him you are filing for divorce.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

My husband is like this. Its not personal. He loves me, I love him but he just doesn't talk unless he needs to say something.
Its very likely he is autistic as so many family members are (including our son). Like someone has already said, some autistic people talk all the time but thats because they want to.
I am not going to diagnose someone on the internet, just telling you about my circumstances.
So its up to you if you can live with it or not. If having someone to chat to is really important to you.
I would like to have someone to talk more to but its not a deal breaker for me. It might be for you.

I am a bit puzzled by the 'mute' thing. Mute is a descriptor not an illness. Someone can be mute meaning they don't want to talk, not because they can't.
Selective mutism isn't particularly uncommon.

Anyway, I hope you manage to come to terms with whatever you need to do.
Good luck.

[CayrolBaaaskin]

Argh op this is no small thing. I had the same issue with my ex and it was soul destroying. I left in the end and am much happier now (with 2 kids). What is a relationship if you don’t talk or laugh together? Or have sex? You don’t have any meaningful relationship here at all.

Sorry to be harsh- you are reminding me of the bad old days trying to get conversation out of a stone. It’s so lonely and soul destroying.

[CayrolBaaaskin]

Also for all those who “would like to have someone to talk to” but they’re fine not, what is it your partner does for you? I’d it financial , sexual? To me if you are not communicating but instead sitting in awkward silence there is no relationship.

[Durbeyfield]

GelfBride bloody funny post 😂

[beastlyslumber]

That sounds unbearable, OP. You need an emotional connection with your partner and you don't have one. It's okay to be quiet, but it's not okay to emotionally abandon your partner, which is what he is doing. Maybe he is just empty inside. It sounds awful, but that's what it sounds like. Like there's nothing there.

Your kids will be okay, OP, and you will be too. In fact, you will give yourself and your kids the chance at a happy home life where you can all communicate freely and express yourselves. And your DH will probably be happier too, as the pressure to do something he clearly cannot do will be gone.

[Fleamaker123]

@GelfBride

Is he thick? I have met 'quiet' people but a lot of them are quiet because they don't have an original thought in their head due to being thick as two short planks.

If this is the case, it could be worse. He could be thick and yammering on letting the world know he's thick. Not that that's any comfort.

My SIL is genuinely so thick it's a miracle she has reached adulthood. My DBro has come to realise it and his life is stifling as a result. I can't see him sticking the marriage out if I'm honest. He goes out all the time just to mix with 'normals'. It's no life.

😂😂 😂😂

[coodawoodashooda]

I had one of tyem. Get rid.

[bluelemming]

OP it's not ok to be lonely. It is ok to leave. Your kids will be fine. Have faith.

[HaveringWavering]

He’s good with the kids but I sort of think that suits him, they’re simple I guess and there’s no depth or complexity with them as there can be with adult conversations.

Are your children still quite young? My soon-to-be 5 year-old already amazes me with the complexity of thought and emotion that he is capable of. He might be able to fob them off with simplistic and humourless interaction but that does not mean that they do not need, and deserve, more. This will only become more acute as they grow up.

[candycane222]

I think if you stay,sooner or later your kids will be sad for you anyway. They are sure to notice you are unhappy, and they will be sad about that.