My husband does not speak. *MNHQ edited title*

[HelpWendy]

My husband is so so so so so quiet. Unless he is making idle chit chat with a friend or acquittance. Very good at asking surface level questions and maintaining a fairly unenergetic but basic conversation. Absolutely nothing more than that, it's like he physically can't.

I've gone through the ringer thinking I expect too much, memories of pre marriage now make me think that he just went along with me or entertained my chat.

But there's nothing. I am finding it unbearable and horrifically lonely and depressing. 2 little kids and my heart is breaking thinking of a broken or not broken marriage.

But I'm stuck and although he has absolutely nothing to say about anything other than the dishwasher or whether we need milk he is a good person.

What would you do. I'm 40 and genuinely scared of a dead future.

I've posted before but keen to know of any other women whose husband's literally say nothing substantial.

[Summercocktailsinthesnow]

To make any decision now would be a mistake, most of us are struggling to make interesting conversation. Hold back and see what happens in the next year.

Op, I can say categorically I understand the feeling of being lonely. My dh is an introvert, when we first met and for years he was amazing company, sparkling and witty and great fun. As he has become more comfortable, so he tried less and less, and now feels it is okay to spend a whole evening not saying anything. It has got worse not better with age. And he does not like going out very much, which is a sticking point.

You will have to decide at some point if it is enough for you. I love my dh and I don't want to leave, I made lots of friends, have my own hobbies and agreed a compromise and going out. I also insisted that for some part of the evening he chats to me, he can't sit there in silence and ignore me, that is not okay. I was very open and direct about my need for company and conversation.

If you can build up your life to not rely on him so much, and fundamentally he is a decent and loving man that makes you happy in other ways, then find a solution. If not, then it might be better if you found someone else - it is no way to live op

[Lampan]

I dated someone like this. He was a good person (and extremely physically attractive) but there was just NO chat, and no joy about anything at all. I just knew that I couldn’t have a future with someone like that, he was also very very shy so social gatherings together were out of the question. It’s hard when you know he is a good person but I don’t think people like this will ever change, it’s just how they are. Trying to draw him into conversations simply didn’t work. He just had nothing to say. I guess the choice you have is can you spend the rest of your life like this?

[TeamMummy]

There's a guy at work who doesn't speak. I've been there 6.5 years and I've never seen him speak once. The guy he sits next to never stops talking though and is really loud

I often wonder how the quiet guy puts up with it and if he's quiet because he doesn't want to talk to him

[speakout]

OP what was the early stages of your relationship like?

How did you get to know each other- how did you fall in love?
Most couples talk and listen to each other a great deal in the early days to get to know each other- did that happen in your relationship?

[Beautiful3]

He is not a mute. My father is mute due to a disability. You're complaining because your husband doesnt chat to you very often?!!! Please change the title!

[Gallowayan]

I have a neighbour like this. Very perfunctory in his conversation. He becomes more expansive and begins to express opinions after he has had a drink. Is there really no hint of anything more ever?

[nancywhitehead]

He is not a mute.

He just doesn't talk a lot. You need to change the title as it is quite offensive to people who are actually mute.

[GoodbyeToCare]

I know a guy who rarely speaks through work. Having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth and even open questions just get one or two word answers.

We're teachers!

[litterbird]

As others have said, he must have been very chatty to chat you up in the first place? Tell us about how he wooed you in the beginning, how long were you together before marrying and looking back did you see any signs he was quite introverted that you missed? I would die a death if I lived with someone who had nothing to say except whether we need milk. The world is opening up again now so I would get busy organising stuff you can do together with and without children. My friend dated a man who had nothing to say in the end. Even on social evenings he sat there saying nothing but the technicalities of oil rigs where he works. It was quite sad as no one stuck around him at social functions as he was so boring. The relationship floundered and finished due to this. At the end of the day you can only make the call if you can cope with another 40 years of this, imagine when your children have left home and its just you and him.

[Milkandhoney888]

This is me, I'm very quiet and introvert, I'm also very anxious. But i can't stand pointless idle chit chat. My partner is more chatty and I'll happily chat away ect i just don't really have that much to say to initiate the conversations lol

[FlamingoQueen]

My DH can be like this. Will spend a long time on the phone to work friends, but at times will barely talk to me. Some days I find it extremely irritating and have been known to try to start a (tiny) argument just to provoke a reaction. It can be very lonely and soul destroying.
However, I’ve been married for over 20 years (+2 teenagers) and have accepted that this is just him. He is a decent, hard working, kind bloke who will do anything for anyone. Sometimes, he’ll ring me from work and have a really good chat - I quite often joke that I should just ring him whilst we’re both home because at least then he’d talk to me. He is always quiet at family occasions, but my family either take the mickey (kindly) out of him or leave him be.
Trying to get information out of him is exhausting at times, but I do talk to the dog and get more sense out of him!!
My advice would be to either accept him for who and what he is or leave him, because it will drive you mad. I think my dh is just happy to be a listener, which is great, but sometimes you just need a response!

[Coldwine75]

He is not a 'mute' that is completely different, he is quiet, has he always been like this?

[Hellocatshome]

My husband doesn't talk a lot and is an introvert, lockdown suited him very well. I still couldn't imagine being without him though, I think if you try to imagine life without him and find yourself happy with the prospect then it might be time to consider leaving otherwise you will just end up resenting him.

[cupsofcoffee]

What attracted you to him at the beginning, and do you still make time to do the things you did together before small children got in the way?

I think life can be very hard when you have young kids - I'm sure you're both tired and probably juggling childcare, running a home and work at the same time. That's hard on any marriage.

DH and I aren't the most chatty people but as we're both fairly similar I suppose it's not so much of a problem. What does he say when you try and tell him how you feel?

[Clarice99]

Reported with request to change the title as the OP's husband is not mute.

OP, was your husband a non-chatty person when you married him or has he changed?

[TheMotherlode]

I’m interested to know if he was already like this, if so then that’s just his personality and it isn’t really fair for you to be disappointed about it after all this time.

Otherwise, is it maybe just a symptom of a busy life? With young children and full time jobs, our lives are pretty hectic so daily conversation does probably revolve around practical things like the dishwasher. I just wouldn’t have the energy to have a deep and meaningful chat about philosophy on an average day.
DH and I do try to make time to do things just the two of us though so we can properly talk, do you ever get any alone time to reconnect?

[GelfBride]

Is he thick? I have met 'quiet' people but a lot of them are quiet because they don't have an original thought in their head due to being thick as two short planks.

If this is the case, it could be worse. He could be thick and yammering on letting the world know he's thick. Not that that's any comfort.

My SIL is genuinely so thick it's a miracle she has reached adulthood. My DBro has come to realise it and his life is stifling as a result. I can't see him sticking the marriage out if I'm honest. He goes out all the time just to mix with 'normals'. It's no life.

[EasterEggBelly]

@Definately

I was this person. He talked at me about his own hobbies and interests and work constantly. When I wanted to talk about my own he would find it hard to show any interest, or sometimes roll his eyes in front of me, or flat out tell me why what I was saying was wrong/boring/stupid. If I had an issue about work I wanted to discuss he didn't want to hear it, he'd say oh well at least you have a job. But I'd be subjected to a 30 minute rant on the minutest detail of his work. Eventually I just stopped talking at all.

Totally relate to this. I get so fed up of people talking ‘at’ me.
I hardly engage anymore. I actually crave peace.
The fact he’s able to maintain a conversation with friends might tell you something OP.

[Meowchickameowmeow]

@GelfBride

Is he thick? I have met 'quiet' people but a lot of them are quiet because they don't have an original thought in their head due to being thick as two short planks.

If this is the case, it could be worse. He could be thick and yammering on letting the world know he's thick. Not that that's any comfort.

My SIL is genuinely so thick it's a miracle she has reached adulthood. My DBro has come to realise it and his life is stifling as a result. I can't see him sticking the marriage out if I'm honest. He goes out all the time just to mix with 'normals'. It's no life.

What a beautiful post.

[ItsNotLoveActually]

GelfBride - that made me laugh! But you're right, it's another possibility.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Do you try to engage him in conversation and listen to him? Or do you chatter away about things in your head that aren't particularly interesting to him, making hyperbolic statements and egregious errors, like calling a quiet person 'a mute'?

When someone's talking utter nonsense it's often better not to engage, as to do so lends their nonsense legitimacy and encourages them to keep talking.

[SunflowersAndLavender]

My dad is like this. He's good in company but at home he'll sit in silence and if you try and talk to him he gets annoyed.

That just sounds like a true introvert who's good at masking in short bursts but then really needs the time and space to re-charge.

I totally get it.

[Crinkle77]

@Enough4me

Are you asking open and probing questions, ones that could encourage some creative thinking, such as "what is your wildest fantasy?" Or "if you were prime minister, what change would you make that I wouldn't expect?".

Good lord no don't ask him questions like that.

[SunflowersAndLavender]

Is he thick? I have met 'quiet' people but a lot of them are quiet because they don't have an original thought in their head due to being thick as two short planks.

If this is the case, it could be worse. He could be thick and yammering on letting the world know he's thick. Not that that's any comfort.

You'll get a lot of flack for this, but it made me laugh I can't help agreeing with you. Some people just have absolutely zero intellectual curiosity about anything at all. They live a one dimensional existence concerning themselves only with day to day surface-level wants and needs.

I'd feel dead inside if I had to live with someone like that, but then I really can't imagine getting past more than half a dozen dates with them in the first place.

[NOTANUM]

I have friends with husbands who barely say a word other than the type of chat you'd be happy having with the next door neighbour in passing. I have another friend whose husband likes to discuss the Middle East situation in great detail or politics. Everyone and every relationship is very different.

The part I'd find difficult is if someone didn't even inquire about my day or show the slightest interest in what I was doing. I can't imagine that level of disinterest and it would be a big no from me.