My husband does not speak. *MNHQ edited title*

[HelpWendy]

My husband is so so so so so quiet. Unless he is making idle chit chat with a friend or acquittance. Very good at asking surface level questions and maintaining a fairly unenergetic but basic conversation. Absolutely nothing more than that, it's like he physically can't.

I've gone through the ringer thinking I expect too much, memories of pre marriage now make me think that he just went along with me or entertained my chat.

But there's nothing. I am finding it unbearable and horrifically lonely and depressing. 2 little kids and my heart is breaking thinking of a broken or not broken marriage.

But I'm stuck and although he has absolutely nothing to say about anything other than the dishwasher or whether we need milk he is a good person.

What would you do. I'm 40 and genuinely scared of a dead future.

I've posted before but keen to know of any other women whose husband's literally say nothing substantial.

[MissScotland101]

I had a partner like this and he had Aspergers, if your partner doesn’t have this then maybe he is just depressed.

[Schrutesbeets]

Gosh I would find this really miserable. I'm a right chatterbox and me and dh spend loads of time pondering daft or stupid scenarios, as well as deep and more "important" topics. It's what our relationship is built on.
However, the fact you must have known this when you married and had two children with him makes it different (?). Was he always this way? Has something changed? Do you think he feels the same? Have you just grown apart or have little in common now?

[SafferUpNorth]

@HelpWendy... help us out here!

Has he always been like this? In which case, what did you see in him and why did you marry him?

Or is this a change in him? If so, perhaps there is some depression, money worries or something else for which he needs help.

What is the rest of your life together like? Sex; his interest / interaction with kids; his and your jobs; things you do together etc? If he's not working he might just feel purposeless. This could lead to depression and being very withdrawn.

[HelpWendy]

FLAT OUT IN WORK!!

I am gonna have to reply later, as much as I want to now!!

Thank you to everyone - I am baffled why he wants to be married to me!!

[BertramLacey]

We sit on the sofa at night, holding hands, watching TV and probably barely speak a word for maybe 3-4 hours. He is my centre, my peace, my grounding loveliness of gentle quiet in the madness and 99% of the time, I wouldn't change him for the world.

OH and I can be like this. We're both introverted so need time that is calm to recharge. We can both be very talkative at times, but we also like that still time. In the time we've been going out he's got better at talking to me. He has opened up and realises that 'small talk' does have a purpose. However, it helps that neither of us want small talk all the time and both really enjoy the quietness.

No way could I build a relationship with a closed book who refuses to share anything of himself. If you don't communicate you're just existing side by side.

So much communication is non-verbal though. If I sit snuggled up with my OH, holding hands with him, we're still communicating. We're just not blethering on about cheese.

That's hardly the same is it.

The OP's original title used the word 'mute'. MN have edited it. So actually, according to the original title, it would have been the same thing. I think that poster was just making a point about what mute actually means.

[LemonTT]

Without knowing if he was always like this it’s really impossible to comment with anything but random speculation. If he was like this then why pursue a relationship in the first place. This is important because you are a long way down the relationship road. Too far to throw it away without looking more deeply at why you are together in the first place.

Then again I look at another posts on here from people who are in the early stages. Their posts are about how the BF is basically not suitable for them and never will. But they won’t listen to advice to end it before it goes too far. I just don’t understand this.

As far as conversation goes, there are some people who just don’t open up. For me I just end up filling the void but have no idea if I am engaging with that person at all. I can’t say I would seek to have a friendship with someone like that. Other people actually leave me speechless. They either talk about themselves too much or about something I know absolutely nothing about, usually a hobby. I desperately try to think of something to say but just can’t beyond polite noises.

[BlackSwan]

I know someone like this. I would find it intolerable in a life partner. You have to do all the work in the conversation.

[knittingaddict]

@HelpWendy

FLAT OUT IN WORK!!

I am gonna have to reply later, as much as I want to now!!

Thank you to everyone - I am baffled why he wants to be married to me!!

In the nicest possible way, I don't understand why you want to be married to him. This level of mental stimulation must be a soul destroyer.

[lottiegarbanzo]

You have to decide what's important to you OP. You can't change him.

You might be able to relate to him differently. (I wonder whether you are talking more as he talks less, so cause and effect have become circular, as he mentally backs away from your incessant chatter, as he may perceive it).

Are there things you really value him for? Things in your relationship that work? Could those be enough, if you recognise them and him for what they and drop unrealistic expectations?

The idea of perfect other halves is manufactured nonsense, most of us gain enough from our partnered relationships but meet other needs outside them, with friends and family for example. So, will more socialising with others get you back on track socially? Could you study or take up a hobby to gain intellectual stimulation? Can you meet all your needs while staying in this relationship? Do you want to anyway?

[darkpink]

Is it that he doesn't like or isn't used to talking to people, or to you, or is it that he is not interested in anything?
If he's not interested in anything, or in other people's views at all, then why stay married?
If he is someone who reads a lot, has hobbies, follows the news, etc, then maybe something can be done about his lack of communication.

[aliloandabanana]

Don't you watch TV programmes together and talk about what's going on/went on in them and your predictions, or your view of the subject if it's a documentary? Or read the same newspaper and pick up on particularly interesting or annoying articles? Or watch the news and discuss what's going on in the world? You don't have to have a particular hobby or interest to have something to talk about, which seems to be what you're suggesting in your posts.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

If someone asked me ‘probing questions’ l’d shut up immediately. I hate intense conversations, they make me feel trapped.

[NotTheMrMenAgain]

Hi OP - I haven't read all of the replies, but thought I'd share my personal experience as I can empathise! I was married to my ex for 12 years, together for 18. He'd always been a bit reserved and I suspect possibly on the ASD spectrum, but in the final years of our marriage became a closed book - the more I tried to communicate with him the more he pushed me away, it was hurtful and killed my love for him.

He works in IT and often worked away, London base (I'm in the Midlands), global travel. He'd be away for a week or more and if I tried to talk to him when he came home he'd accuse me of bullying him. So the relationship was reduced to zombie marriage of convenience, which shambled along until last Summer.....

Last Summer I discovered, quite by chance, that he had not just one but two mistresses on the go, down in London! After the initial shock subsided my main emotion was relief - relief that it was finally and unequivocally over. I assume he was too shattered to speak to me when he came home! Also that the relationship with the mistresses stroked his ego (amongst other parts!) but were emotionally undemanding - as the man simply seems unable to talk about feelings/emotions etc.

Now we're separated en route to divorce, it's amicable and I am so much happier. The relief of not having to endure the relationship was amazing and I blossomed - realised I'd been sort of squashed down by him/his issues. I have a fabulous boyfriend now who can barely stop himself from communicating with me - he wants to share his thoughts/feelings/life because he values me so much. It's like the difference between night and day.

I would much rather be alone than be lonely in a relationship - it's soul-destroying and does a number on your self esteem. Ultimately life is too short to be unhappy.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Sadly my ex husband was like that. The total lack of communication broke me, I got more conversation and life from my cats than I did from him. Its a massive relief that we are divorced.

[gonnabeok]

OP, I feel.your pain.I was in a relationship with someone who appeared good initially with conversation then hardly spoke for years. It is a very lonely place to be.He suffered with a mood disorder and latterly found out he has ADHD
One day he just told me he struggled with conversation. To be honest, not just for this reason, as there were others, I ended the relationship as I realised nothing was going to change and I was tired of feeling lonely in a relationship. I did try for years though and gave it my best shot. I am much happier now. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

[noirchatsdeux]

My 1st husband was like that. Could speak about day to day things, but no actual conversation. We were together 3 years before we married and it didn't take me long after the marriage to realise that I'd been the one driving the communication between us beforehand. If I tried talking to him about anything he wasn't involved in/interested in (which was most things, looking back he was a very boring prematurely middle-aged young man of 23) all I'd get in response was 'I don't know'....30 years on and hearing those words still gives me rage!

Long story short, we were incompatible and the marriage ended after 2 and a half years. I should have lived with him before marriage, however my parents had threatened to disown me if I did (they would have actually been doing me a massive favour, but I was too young and stupid to realise that at the time). He wasn't depressed, far from it, just happy in his own little world.

[Ormally]

@WyldStallions

Generalising madly:

Many women, and many NT people use speech as bonding. They have conversational rituals and routines which are not really about what you say but about shared culture (eg how are you? I'm fine, how are you?). They enjoy speaking about trivial things that can't really matter to the other person, such as a nice cake they ate - but then the other person relates about a nice cake they are, and so there is a shared experience and this feels like closeness in terms of shared values etc

Some men, Neurodiverse people, and especially autistic people, often bond over subjects. They are typically less interested in content-lite bonding speech and more interested in discussing matters that are important to them. This is where you get someone who doesn't "chat" much but if you ask them about their area of interest (let's say, Middle Eastern politics ) they will talk with enthusiasm and passion and at length. And if they find another person who shares that passion, or will indulge it, the conversation will flow all evening.

This can feel like a personal rejection if you have been trying to chat with the same person and got nowhere. But it's not really personal. It's different brain types doing their thing.

This is really sensible and true for me.

It's likely you could feel happier if you had more friends that are not to do with work - even though work holds you together, you will probably find you're not really friends if it is no longer there.

For about 20 months, DH and I have both been mainly the only adults each other can see in person. Work has tied us to particular locations, timetables, and screens. Breaks mean putting the washing out or minor 5 minute domesticity. I call my DPs but they are struggling and this is more usually emotionally draining to me and not a lot of support. I am a bit anxious to re-immerse myself in more normality but know it's important. I am hoping it will pick up once there are real things DH and I can actually choose to DO that will stretch us a bit.

[Whocutdownthecherrytree]

It’s pretty simple. If he was always like this and you only just noticed, you have a problem in that you are married to the wrong person. You can’t expect change so you need to figure out if you can accept it or leave.
If it’s a change in behaviour something is wrong. He might not even be conscious of it. But he’s uphappy/unfulfilled/unsatisfied... something. For me in my first marriage when we finally talked to a couples therapist I realised I was anger my ex was willing to be content with such a minimal quality of a relationship. Either way you need counselling.

[PricklesAndSpikes]

No way could I build a relationship with a closed book who refuses to share anything of himself. If you don't communicate you're just existing side by side.

Not all communication is with words though. My husband never actually tells me he is sad or stressed, but I know anyway, the way he acts, the look in his eyes, his body language. It can often be more telling than someone's words that are saying "I'm fine!" which can be misleading.

[16purplecolour16]

My husband - just the same. Open probing questions -“don’t know. Never thought about it.” When we were dating I didn’t realise, it’s not that he’s a good listener more he’s unable to respond. Damn my ego!

[PricklesAndSpikes]

@pinkearedcow
Thank you. I felt I had to speak up for those quiet men who are neither thick, dull, self-obsessed or boring!

[Nonmaquillee]

This is soul crushing. Do you want your children brought up in a home where their father doesn’t talk / engage /interact?

Living like this is just not sustainable for you. You will develop MH issues. Please find another life for yourself.

[knittingaddict]

@PricklesAndSpikes

No way could I build a relationship with a closed book who refuses to share anything of himself. If you don't communicate you're just existing side by side.

Not all communication is with words though. My husband never actually tells me he is sad or stressed, but I know anyway, the way he acts, the look in his eyes, his body language. It can often be more telling than someone's words that are saying "I'm fine!" which can be misleading.

I didn't mean deep conversations about feelings. You learn a lot about someone from theirs opinions on different subjects, current affairs, interests or hobbies. That shouldn't be too much to ask from a life partner.

[Turkishangora]

I feel for you OP but do wonder if this is how my DH feels. I'm fairly (very) quiet and he loves and wants chat all the time. He's extremely sociable. This past year together WFH has nearly sent me over the edge and we've had blazing rows about the constant noise and talking. It's almost as if he has a certain amount of chat he has to get out each day... And currently I'm the only person he can vent to! As I don't respond as be wants be seems to get more and more agitated. He enjoys busy, people filled environments. I like being alone. I do talk a lot at work as there's a task to do and commonality there. I do see friends but just 1:1 time limited. We've talked about it, him having me and just a couple of friends he goes running with week by week isn't enough for him. And as a result he feels bored and agitated. It's tough for both parties I think.

[Ormally]

"Don't you watch TV programmes together and talk about what's going on/went on in them and your predictions, or your view of the subject if it's a documentary? Or read the same newspaper and pick up on particularly interesting or annoying articles? Or watch the news and discuss what's going on in the world?"

Newspaper yes. Otherwise, DH is much more interested in TV than I am to unwind, and I feel ok with that (specifically snooker, F1, and films that I mostly can't follow). If I tried to talk and prod through those, I know he'd be pretty irritated. He will often do things like iron or clean shoes alongside watching so that's also appreciated.

TV news - definitely not with youngish but sharp-eared DC in the house, at the moment.