My husband does not speak. *MNHQ edited title*

[HelpWendy]

My husband is so so so so so quiet. Unless he is making idle chit chat with a friend or acquittance. Very good at asking surface level questions and maintaining a fairly unenergetic but basic conversation. Absolutely nothing more than that, it's like he physically can't.

I've gone through the ringer thinking I expect too much, memories of pre marriage now make me think that he just went along with me or entertained my chat.

But there's nothing. I am finding it unbearable and horrifically lonely and depressing. 2 little kids and my heart is breaking thinking of a broken or not broken marriage.

But I'm stuck and although he has absolutely nothing to say about anything other than the dishwasher or whether we need milk he is a good person.

What would you do. I'm 40 and genuinely scared of a dead future.

I've posted before but keen to know of any other women whose husband's literally say nothing substantial.

[junebirthdaygirl]

What are his family like? Was there much conversation there growing up? If he learned..say through counselling ..how to share his heart would you be happy or do you think it's too late for that.
Does he express his love in any other ways eg ..gifts/ jobs etc or is he cut off in all ways. It's a very sad life for you and l wouldn't blame myself if l were you for the marriage breaking down as he is responsible even if he doesn't know any better.

[EarthSight]

To speak, you must have sufficient energy to do it, find it gratifying, and generally think about a lot of things. Some people like to think out aloud as it helps them process things, but if he's a low energy introvert, most of that will happen on the inside. Also, some very emotionally stable are like this as nothing particularly bothers them or delights them, thus robbing them of energy to speak about things.

[DoormatBob]

I'm quiet and introverted (not thick!). I hate pointless or meaningless conversations and the "dinner party conversation" stuff would make me wish the ground would open up and swallow me.

[EarthSight]

I'm had a quick look at some of your other posts. Is there actually anyone in there? I can understand if you felt as if he was hollow on the inside - he's able to copy conversations and robotically have basic ones with people, but other than that, who actually is he???

Some very intelligent people can be incredibly boring thinkers and boring to talk to. Sure, they might be able to solve a maths problem you put in front of them that other people can't, but it doesn't meant they have a personality that people like to spend time with.

You can have someone who loves reading, who knows a lot of things.....yet the people around them would never know as they might never talk about it. Or on the flip-side, some classically intelligent people are also not intellectual at all. They have good jobs requiring high intelligence because they are able to do things other people can't, but outside of that, they're just not bothered about learning anything else. Outside of work they're couch potatoes who might take an occasional interest in popular sports on TV, but that's it.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I'm sorry that you and many women find out too late that your husbands seem to have very simple relationship needs.....which on the surface might sound fantastic if you are the same as they can be very low maintenance, but that also means that you will often go without - women go without conversation, companionship, sometimes sex. Their husbands usually tried a bit harder in the beginning, but once they achieve their goal of having a wife and spreading their genetic, they just don't need the relationship part anymore and they're quite happy that way.

[whatisheupto]

I am dying inside at the thought of turning everyone’s life upside for my own needs.

OP I really believe it will be the other way round for you. Your life is turned upside down right now. Once you leave, you will feel relief and be able to start living life properly. All this anguish and guilt right now is making life very difficult for you, not to mention the loneliness and frustration.
So don't see leaving as causing turmoil. See that you are in turmoil now and you have the opportunity to start fixing things and making a better life for all of you.

[DeeCeeCherry]

Unless he is making idle chit chat with a friend or acquittance

Well then it's a matter of choice isn't it? Because he could just as easily chit-chat with you but he doesn't feel he has to bother.

If you don't look forward to another 20 years of his fuck-all-to-say-itis then leaving is your only option really.

[5475878237NC]

It's not selfish to want a partner who is interested in your inner world. He clearly isn't for whatever reason

[spitalfielding]

I can sympathise with this with my DH.

The times it’s worse are when a) he doesn’t notice others’ needs, b) doesn’t acknowledge what someone else has said - both these are worse when the kids or I are worried about something and trying hard to engage with him.

He is probably feeling overwhelmed with the diagnosis process and this uncertainty can take up a hell of a lot of mental energy. He may be feeling guilt / shame that he’s not ‘enough’ for you.

I think whilst your children are small, we have COVID situation & he’s going through this process you have to be a bit patient.

Also - you can teach him to be more sociable! If he wants to that is. He has to do some of the work here.

[annie335]

@GelfBride

Is he thick? I have met 'quiet' people but a lot of them are quiet because they don't have an original thought in their head due to being thick as two short planks.

If this is the case, it could be worse. He could be thick and yammering on letting the world know he's thick. Not that that's any comfort.

My SIL is genuinely so thick it's a miracle she has reached adulthood. My DBro has come to realise it and his life is stifling as a result. I can't see him sticking the marriage out if I'm honest. He goes out all the time just to mix with 'normals'. It's no life.

You sound lovely 😑

[Maskless]

Find lots of friends with whom to have intellectual discussions.

Let the poor man just be himself!

[dottiedodah]

Well my DH never stops talking! So a bit in between would be nice .Has he always been like this though ,or is it a new thing ? He sounds a little depressed maybe.Has he got worse over the last year. It has been hard on everyone .I think at 40 you are much too young to accept this .Also why is he chit chatting with his friends and not you?

[Horehound]

The only thing to do is leave.

Why stay?
You aren't going to mess anyone up. And why is your life not as important?
Come on

[HelpWendy]

@Maskless

Find lots of friends with whom to have intellectual discussions.

Let the poor man just be himself!

Yeah I agree, but it marriage then just something of convenience? Is that really what marriage is?

[Whydidimarryhim]

Helpwendy - your children will thrive with you - alone - you will be happier and less resentful. You are not responsible for you husband.
Yes he managed to talk enough for you to marry him - but the real him has come through.
I doubt he deliberately did this.
It’s ok to end the marriage - you aren’t getting your needs met and it sounds soul destroying.
What’s he said when you’ve spoken to him about ending the marriage?

[whatwasIgoingtosay]

I think that no conversation, no laughs, no fun and no sex really means that you don't have a marriage worth saving. Sorry

[HelpWendy]

Hey everyone, I’m so sorry I dropped off the thread after so many interesting and varied responses. I’m going to read through them all again and be a bit more concise about my predicament.

We are looking at a house for me at the moment. Serious limbo at the moment.

[HelpWendy]

I think I dropped off as every now and then I got so damn exhausted by how consuming it is.

[teaandpastries]

@HelpWendy

Hey everyone, I’m so sorry I dropped off the thread after so many interesting and varied responses. I’m going to read through them all again and be a bit more concise about my predicament.

We are looking at a house for me at the moment. Serious limbo at the moment.

Blimey what do you mean "we are looking for a house for me" ?

[HelpWendy]

Hey thanks for the comment. So his family growing up although on the face of it are similar background to mine, I think he was a ‘doing’ house with very little engagement or expressiveness. Jobs, jobs and more jobs, and organised activities etc, very little enjoying being together.

So his diagnosis come through, just on the spectrum but not so much that he would need any help. But the main finding was that he has very strong schizoid traits. Which effectively mains over the start of his life he learned the I guess mostly exist within himself to the degree that it is extremely difficult for him to relate to others in the same way you and I would take for granted. There is lots of layers to it and I could keep writing. But to be honest it stacks up. The irony of this diagnosis or personality type is that they actually crave someone to counteract their inherent loneliness but the minute it comes close they back away. This really explains the somewhat living within his own rigid world. And when I chat to people this goes way back in his life. How did I not notice this? Well he is inherently an incredibly good natured person which for me overrode everything else at the time. When I look back, he was charming in a stereotypical way and very keen to get on my band wagon so to speak, and laugh at my jokes etc etc. I guess I feel he was in there but he might of been the smooth eaters run deep kind. But as the years go by stagnantly, I realise what I see now is all I’m gonna gets as much as it breaks everyone’s heart. His and mine.

This whole period has brought out such a soft and extra vulnerable side to me, not the pragmatic (im very sensitive though always will be) side. Instead of relying on my rationale side knowing now it’s not going to change and that this is a personality type and it’s no going to change, that it’s not going to work. I’ve bended myself so much, im almost unrecognisable. Saying all of that I am not suggested this is all his fault. I try to explain to him that it’s not him and it’s not me, it’s the space and energy we create between us that’s the problem.

I guess I just cannot believe it all. I could have never foreseen this. Yes the lack of family support is an absolute killer and it really makes you question yourself. I have an incredibly supportive circle of friends who are unphasingly there for me. A couple suggested more recently that I have become the queen of gaslighting myself (expertise I picked up under my mother influence, she continues to remind me how lucky I am). Anyway this has consumed me for probably the guts of four years, fully immersed in it trying to figure out if they was normal. Or why the fxxk myself has suddenly gotten strange or foreign for me.

I read back ver all your posts and the responses are so interesting, I am going to put out a notebook this evening and transcribe a lot of them.

[HelpWendy]

Also re the house buying. He lives in a family home and I will be moving will the kids. Have an eye on a house which he is kindly helping me with. I want it to work for everyone from a co parenting point of view.

I just can’t believe it is happening, like I actually can’t. Maybe a part of me had felt me being nuts in terms of my expectations of marriage were more credible.

[HelpWendy]

Sorry lots of typos - hanging out of a child’s bed as I type on my phone.

[blueshoes]

Do you feel relieved and excited to move out? If he is helping you with the new house, then he is supportive of it?

[HelpWendy]

Yeah I am but i just can’t get my head around it, may be it’s been such a long time coming.

To be honest he is being practically supportive, and maybe this is my baggage but I feel like I’m coercing him. He would prefer not to break up even though it’s shit but that’s sort of his dutiful nature.

[blueshoes]

He is able to converse with his friends. He was able to put up a show when you were dating. But for whatever reason, he won't meet your needs halfway not even an inch.

I see that this is a terrible situation for all parties but please don't believe you are completely the bad guy here.

Get out and breathe the fresh air. Life's too short.