My husband does not speak. *MNHQ edited title*

[HelpWendy]

My husband is so so so so so quiet. Unless he is making idle chit chat with a friend or acquittance. Very good at asking surface level questions and maintaining a fairly unenergetic but basic conversation. Absolutely nothing more than that, it's like he physically can't.

I've gone through the ringer thinking I expect too much, memories of pre marriage now make me think that he just went along with me or entertained my chat.

But there's nothing. I am finding it unbearable and horrifically lonely and depressing. 2 little kids and my heart is breaking thinking of a broken or not broken marriage.

But I'm stuck and although he has absolutely nothing to say about anything other than the dishwasher or whether we need milk he is a good person.

What would you do. I'm 40 and genuinely scared of a dead future.

I've posted before but keen to know of any other women whose husband's literally say nothing substantial.

[pinkyredrose]

OP I've left someone for being too quiet, it was exhausting always being the one to initiate conversation plus soul destroying, like they couldn't make the effort to do the most basic of human interaction with me. It was fucking painful.

Was he like this when you met? I'm afraid my fanny would've dried up by now. I doubt it'll get better.

[WyldStallions]

Generalising madly:

Many women, and many NT people use speech as bonding. They have conversational rituals and routines which are not really about what you say but about shared culture (eg how are you? I'm fine, how are you?). They enjoy speaking about trivial things that can't really matter to the other person, such as a nice cake they ate - but then the other person relates about a nice cake they are, and so there is a shared experience and this feels like closeness in terms of shared values etc

Some men, Neurodiverse people, and especially autistic people, often bond over subjects. They are typically less interested in content-lite bonding speech and more interested in discussing matters that are important to them. This is where you get someone who doesn't "chat" much but if you ask them about their area of interest (let's say, Middle Eastern politics ) they will talk with enthusiasm and passion and at length. And if they find another person who shares that passion, or will indulge it, the conversation will flow all evening.

This can feel like a personal rejection if you have been trying to chat with the same person and got nowhere. But it's not really personal. It's different brain types doing their thing.

[Truthlikeness]

I dated a guy like this once and broke up after 3 months. I couldn't bear having to be the one to make all the suggestions about what to do and initiate all the conversations. "I'm happy to go along with what you want to do," is just not good enough.

[CovidSmart]

@WyldStallions I get what you are saying but I think it’s a vast generalisation.

@HelpWendy DH is the same. He is actually the same when it comes to his special interest. He is mainly silent.
I have spent years trying to engage with him. Then I stopped. So for the last few years, all our evenings are just silent. I’m doing my own things. He is on hos iPad and won’t entertain starting any conversation.
My advice would be. Don’t settle for that. And no it’s not normal and it’s not you either.

[knittingaddict]

@Monty27

Was he always like this OP?
If so, what did you see in him?

I know it's not even slightly helpful, but I was wondering this myself.

How did you get to know him if he never talks about anything? What about him attracted you to him as a partner? There must have been something. He wasn't always like this? He just can't be bothered to make an effort?

[PricklesAndSpikes]

Aw, my husband is like that and always has been so I knew what I was getting into when I married him. I will admit occasionally it isn't easy as he is very perfunctory in his speaking so we don't do idle chat or share his feelings. Well, that's also not quite true, I chat and share, he listens and nods occasionally but rarely has any input. But on the other hand, I come from a very chatty family so natter for the pair of us if we go anywhere and he likes that, it means he doesn't have to engage. We have a very small social circle who are very accepting of us and know how we work. If we go somewhere new, I am sure people think I am an overbearing wife who won't let her husband speak for himself, but we both know better, so who cares. I do my chatting with friends / family work colleagues and then come home / off the telephone to my calm oasis! We sit on the sofa at night, holding hands, watching TV and probably barely speak a word for maybe 3-4 hours. He is my centre, my peace, my grounding loveliness of gentle quiet in the madness and 99% of the time, I wouldn't change him for the world.

We've been together just over 20 years...

[Dogoodfeelgood]

Yes my exDH was like that, would never chat very much - would just sort of grunt if I said things. Unbearable! Now with someone extremely chatty, who will respond with something every time I speak. If you’ve read into “bids for attention” and how they need to be met in relationships that looks into this. With exDH I would make a bid for attention (even something random like oh it’s so windy today) and he would just grunt or ignore. But new DP will respond to every single bid for attention without fail. Don’t know how to help you as I obviously left rather than stay! However my exDP was I think on the autism spectrum so I knew he couldn’t fundamentally change into someone who could chat about the weather, whereas yours might not be so it could be something he could work on? You have my sympathy x

[roadwarrior]

I have a husband who is like that. Very quiet and contemplative and deep. But I'm like that too. I couldn't be with someone who talked my ear off.

[Dogoodfeelgood]

@WyldStallions

Generalising madly:

Many women, and many NT people use speech as bonding. They have conversational rituals and routines which are not really about what you say but about shared culture (eg how are you? I'm fine, how are you?). They enjoy speaking about trivial things that can't really matter to the other person, such as a nice cake they ate - but then the other person relates about a nice cake they are, and so there is a shared experience and this feels like closeness in terms of shared values etc

Some men, Neurodiverse people, and especially autistic people, often bond over subjects. They are typically less interested in content-lite bonding speech and more interested in discussing matters that are important to them. This is where you get someone who doesn't "chat" much but if you ask them about their area of interest (let's say, Middle Eastern politics ) they will talk with enthusiasm and passion and at length. And if they find another person who shares that passion, or will indulge it, the conversation will flow all evening.

This can feel like a personal rejection if you have been trying to chat with the same person and got nowhere. But it's not really personal. It's different brain types doing their thing.

Yes this was definitely my exDH - neuro diverse definitely and would chat away about subjects (but only the ones that interested him) but couldn’t do the bonding back and forth chat that I now realise I do need. It’s easy to overlook this in the beginning because in the beginning they’re obviously chatting to you about all the subjects they’re interested in and you think you’re having great conversations! But then after a while you realise you can only talk about those subjects and not just banter away about nothing in particular.

[Branleuse]

maybe hes just really boring>?

[Junipersky]

My 21 year old son has never spoken a word in his life due to his disability.

[knittingaddict]

@roadwarrior

I have a husband who is like that. Very quiet and contemplative and deep. But I'm like that too. I couldn't be with someone who talked my ear off.

Hmm, you can be a talker and intelligent you know. You make it sound like people who like to talk are somehow shallow. How will anyone know you're "deep" if you never express yourself.

Both my husband and I are reasonably intelligent and still talk about anything and everything after 36 years of marriage. No way could I build a relationship with a closed book who refuses to share anything of himself. If you don't communicate you're just existing side by side.

[pinkyredrose]

My 21 year old son has never spoken a word in his life due to his disability

That's hardly the same is it.

[NotSure94]

Some people are better conversationalists than others. I had an epiphany when I met my current partner - he focused on me, asked probing questions about what I was saying even if it was about people or things he didn't know, mirrored my emotions about things if that makes sense and responded with interesting thoughts and hilarious anecdotes etc. My ex husband was pleasant enough but we never spent a whole evening just yakking... it's one of those things that you don't necessarily set out to find in a partner but by god it's fab when you do.

OP I'd suggest you find some engaging and sparky new friends to bounce off - having a bloody good natter isn't a sexual or even particularly intimate thing so you can go out and find it elsewhere.

[HelpWendy]

I am extremely sorry to everyone I hurt with the title of this thread, I am sorry I used the term flippantly, completely inconsiderate of me. I didn't mean to do this at all. Thank you for changing it. I feel terrible, sorry.

[Cyw2018]

My DH is similar and I think lockdown has exacerbated things. DH works from home and obviously hobbies have massively been curtailed. The range of our conversation topics has shrunk and there are days when I feel like we have had nothing to talk about.

OP I think you should give it a period of normality (hopefully that is what we will have going forward) where you both get back into individual and shared hobbies, family days out, holidays etc then reassess your marriage then.

[Dacquoise]

I had a husband that couldn't see the point in chatting unless it interested him so would come home, sit in front of the TV with his laptop on his knees every evening. We used to go to dinner parties and he wouldn't utter a word, same if we went out to dinner, would expect me to entertain him. He works in sales so not as if he didn't or couldn't 'chat'.

Eventually the silence and lack of interaction drove me away. Through therapy I worked out that he was basically avoidant and arrogant with it. I divorced him.

I can understand the loneliness of being with someone like this but he is what he is and you need to decide whether you can put up with it for the rest of your life. You can find the interaction with other people, outside your marriage, which I did to a certain extent but then what's the point of being married. Isn't companionship the basis of a marriage?

Fast forward a few years and my partner is a completely different kettle of fish. He likes to talk, to interact and is present in our relationship. I wouldn't go back to the silence for anything.

[Dacquoise]

@Monty27, partners are often very different at the beginning of a relationship when they are on best behaviour. My ex husband was much more entertaining before he had secured me, then he didn't bother, I think because he thought he didn't need to. He was very surprised and put out when I left.

[JimBobNoJob]

My 21 year old son has never spoken a word in his life due to his disability

This is in no way relevant to the ops situation.

I feel for you OP, I have come across several people who can’t seem to let the conversation flow. It’s hard work trying to keep the momentum up when you’re the only one leading the conversation and if you stop, there’s nothing.
I find the silence extremely uncomfortable, so cannot imagine what it’s like to live with.

[drumandthebass]

@GelfBride you sound an absolute delight.

[JustAnotherOldMan]

Maybe he just doesn’t like the things you want to talk about.

When I was married my ex would watch all the vet / zoo / animal programs on the TV (I think she secretly wanted to be a veterinarian nurse), and she talked at me about those things, so I was probably quite quiet, as I just bored with the stuff she talked about

[LeilaLiesLow]

why did you marry him?

was this not obvious when you were dating before marriage?

[FunnyWonder]

My dad was like this. He never made conversation unless it was about something practical or about a subject he was interested in. He hated small talk, although I suspect it was more that he wasn't very good at it and felt out of his comfort zone. My mum was desperately lonely. They were a total mismatch, but it was my mum who suffered. My dad just took himself off on long walks or listened to music in another room. Mentally, he batted her off like an annoying fly. And being the passive person she is, she just stopped trying.

You can't change someone's personality. Even if it turns out that the person is neurodiverse, there's no 'fix' and nor should there be. Many people would be happy and relaxed with someone who spoke very little. Others would feel isolated and unfulfilled. It's about compatibility.

You need to decide if you can spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you feel lonely, no matter how good a person he is.

[MsTSwift]

Fil is like this. He just sits there. Used to get in my nerves that he just lets others do all the conversational work. Feel for mil as she is better but not great socially herself and is not English so it is harder for her. I think they are badly suited if they were each with partners better socially who could “carry them” life would be easier for them.

[pinkearedcow]

@PricklesAndSpikes what a lovely post.