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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Innocent Message!

159 replies

Tiann92 · 09/05/2021 14:06

Hello

Ok I might be crazy but is this message innocent?

It's just the term babe is used .

Innocent Message!
OP posts:
RantyAnty · 16/05/2021 21:15

Sadly you're being scammed and yes they will most certainly spend years on it. It's likely his family is on it too.

It's happened to 2 friends of mine. One guy flew to meet her in her SEA country and married her the 2nd day he was there. Another was a woman I worked with married a man from Africa after only meeting him a few times.

Both ending up costing them a lot of money and heartache. In the guy friends case, she was already married and had kids. All her documents were fake. Her name,age, etc were fake.

You may be shocked at what posters are saying and not want to believe it. You aren't the exception. Contact immigration and seek out help for this.

Tiann92 · 18/10/2021 04:08

@Tiann92

Hello

Ok I might be crazy but is this message innocent?

It's just the term babe is used .

Hey, just wanted to update this post, thanks for everybody that posted their advice.

Fast foward to now, those messages were not innocent I found out through more digging a lot more shocking stuff. So whilst I was at work during the day for months my partner had been video calling several different women doing sexual stuff with them. And screen recording the video calls but it gets better he saved them to a flash drive which of-course curiosity got the better of me so I watched everything. All these women that had been messaging him calling him bae babe ect was because they were non the wiser he had a wife.
All this has really shocked me, I never would of expected him to cheat on me like this, just shows you should always trust your gut feeling .

OP posts:
Tiann92 · 18/10/2021 04:14

@MarshmallowAra

Can you contact one of these women? I bet they both think they are in a LDR with him

They may tell the truth,they may not.

Sometimes it's in the interests (or perceived interests) of women in the home country (if that's where they are based) to keep their mouths shut; because he's sending home money from a job on a developed country, and if he couldn't get that job without marrying a women there, well "needs must". No cushy welfare there.

I responded to a sad case on another forum with an American woman who was taken in by this, met him through church in the US (so thought he must be good!), Married, had a son .. first visit to west Africa, another woman is one the scene the whole time and then he goes off with her to their home village to give money/gifts etc, leaving the poster behind. Noone spelled it out for her, they thought she'd catch on herself and they expected her to accept it because it's common there.

I did manage to contact one woman and she confirmed he had been pestering her for nudes and wanted to start a relationship with her. This woman he had actually met in Nigeria and tried to sleep with her so she says, of course he denied this and said she is a prostitute.
OP posts:
Lightswitch123 · 18/10/2021 04:27

What's bae?

Couchpotato3 · 18/10/2021 04:39

Sorry to read your update. What are you going to do now?

Tiann92 · 18/10/2021 04:44

@Couchpotato3

Sorry to read your update. What are you going to do now?
I feel so lost, a lot of things had changed since my last post, I know work at the same place as him, I don't have my own car. I just feel really lost, I didn't deserve for him to do all this to me after everything I have done for him .
OP posts:
Tiann92 · 18/10/2021 04:44

@Lightswitch123

What's bae?
It means before anyone else
OP posts:
NeonTetras · 18/10/2021 05:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Tiann92 · 18/10/2021 05:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as it quotes a deleted post

Explosivefarts · 18/10/2021 05:13

Bae couldn’t be a typo . I can only say I would think something was up if I found those messages . Unless he is a teenager and him and his call each other BAE.

Explosivefarts · 18/10/2021 05:17

So sorry OP I stupidly replied before seeing your update. Be kind to yourself

madisonbridges · 18/10/2021 05:18

You're going to stay with him because you don't have your own car? 🤔

Somebodylikeyew · 18/10/2021 05:18

It is a scam. He’s used you to start a life here. You deserve so much more than this creep.

madisonbridges · 18/10/2021 05:19

Of course he didn't show you his disloyalty before. He wanted a visa.

Tiann92 · 18/10/2021 05:27

@madisonbridges

You're going to stay with him because you don't have your own car? 🤔
Not that, I just feel like I don't have anything right now, he made me give up my old job and go work where he works because my old job i was a care worker in the community so used my own car but then it got a issue not worth fixing , I don't have any savings I just feel lost.
OP posts:
hazelgrey · 18/10/2021 05:32

Well done on discovering the truth

It's quite easy to determine next steps
You go to Immigration and you tell them that you have discovered this person who you believed fully was here for the right reasons

Is a fraud
Using you
Not respecting the marriage
And you have no desire to sponsor such a character

Do not be fooled by the family thing
I have known whole family's support a relationship knowing they will benefit from this " cash cow " in one way or another

Yes he may be working hard but is still benefiting from your sponsorship

Get him gone before he just disappears and then he'll be here illegally

Tiann92 · 18/10/2021 05:36

@hazelgrey

Well done on discovering the truth

It's quite easy to determine next steps
You go to Immigration and you tell them that you have discovered this person who you believed fully was here for the right reasons

Is a fraud
Using you
Not respecting the marriage
And you have no desire to sponsor such a character

Do not be fooled by the family thing
I have known whole family's support a relationship knowing they will benefit from this " cash cow " in one way or another

Yes he may be working hard but is still benefiting from your sponsorship

Get him gone before he just disappears and then he'll be here illegally

It hurts though because I love him and tbh he is the only person I have loved . And it's going to upset his family too.
OP posts:
GlorianaCervixia · 18/10/2021 05:40

Do you have any family or friends who could help you? Or would you contact Woman's Aid for advice?

You deserve so much better than this. He's only been physically with you a short time - not even a year. You should still be happy and in love but instead he's sending sexual messages to other women, and made you give up your job.

I'm sorry but there are so many red flags here. This isn't a good man. He was in a relationship with another woman while you were getting to know him? She was probably his backup option for a visa if it didn't work out with you. I know it feels meaningful that his family were nice to you but you had something he wanted - a life in another country. It was in their interests to be nice to you.

Please get yourself free of him.

madisonbridges · 18/10/2021 05:49

It's not going to upset his family - he's going to upset his family. And that's not your problem. Is it more important that his family, that you don't really know, are happy whilst you're miserable? Do you really think they didn't know,about the women he,was seeing whilst you were long distance dating. None of them care,about you. You're a meal ticket. The guy has used you, has isolated you from people you worked with, has made you give up a job you loved, has made you dependent in him and is cheating on you. He doesn't care about you, let alone love you. Either get rid of him or let him carry in using and abusing you and wait for him to leave you at his earliest opportunity.
Sorry that's harsh but I you know I'm speaking the truth. There are so many good men out there - from different countries if you want to marry overseas - so why put up with this revolting, cheating lump.

PopsicleHustler · 18/10/2021 05:53

Hes having you on. My Dh of 16 years is Nigerian. And he doesnt call men babe, if he wants a favour.

PopsicleHustler · 18/10/2021 05:56

In Nigeria, however, the word ' babe ' is quite common. For women to call each other that too. But not men to men, hahaha. That's ridiculous.

onelittlefrog · 18/10/2021 06:00

If you can't trust him now then honestly, you probably never will.

Regardless of who these women actually are, whether they are friends or girlfriends, he obviously has a large social circle and is regularly messaged by women.

Are you ever really going to be OK with that if you struggle with trust?

I wouldn't be and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

It doesn't mean he is necessarily doing anything wrong either (giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he is just a really sociable guy), however some people just can't easily be with someone like that.

I don't think this aspect of his life is going to change from what you've said - there will always be someone or other messaging him and you will never fully know the details - so you have to decide what you can tolerate.

arcof · 18/10/2021 06:01

Please grow some self respect and get rid of this man. His family don't care about you. Why don't you send them the flash drive?! I would.

onelittlefrog · 18/10/2021 06:04

Sorry just saw your update.

Yeah, you need to leave.

I know you feel like you have nothing and are lost, but you will be OK. Things work out and you can't possibly stay in the relationship knowing what you know, surely.

PopsicleHustler · 18/10/2021 06:33

I have just read the whole thread and your update.
Seriously. Let him go. He is clearly using you. I have been with my Nigerian husband for years and I see the way some Nigerians operate. Thankfully he had a British passport before he even met me and is ambitious and works for the nhs and even we talk about how scams and fraud is so common in nigeria and various other west Africans. We even watch documentaries ans movies about it and how sad it is.
Even in Gambia, some marry older middle aged women and its clear they want a Visa because when they get here they have the older English wife brand then a young girl, their age or younger as their girlfriend.

Just because he is not asking you for money doesnt man he is not here for getting citizenship. He is earning his money to make his case to stay here stronger. And so on.

Not all Nigerians are this way but even my friend, her man was Nigerian and he came here on a fake document using his grandfathers name or something weird. Anyway, he got with her and told her his real name but something wasnt adding up, he was always using and then destroying or chucking away forged and fake documents in order to get jobs in London. He was violent to her also and cheated on her with multiple women. She finally left him but when she did she found out she was pregnant and stupidly went back to him. It only lasted a year because he would go clubbing all the time and sometimes not come back home. She was heavily pregnant and annoyed. He had a bad temper and would hit her even when she was pregnant. She went through his phone which was literally always locked and glued to him. One day, he left it unlocked and she went through it. He was saving womens numbers under mens names. But when she was reading texts from say, someone called Jack or James, it was messages saying hey honey or baby and miss you and so on and thanks for last night. When she confronted him, he went ballistic. He also had another womens name on there that he saved under her real name. And that's who he married after my friend chucked him. He found out through a lawyer that he could get citizenship if he married someone from the EU. He then married this woman from Poland or Slovenia or something like that. ... he is on multiple dating sites, cheating on her too as she showed me the tinders and so on, and she even set up a fake account to catch him out to show his wife , but I said just leave it, she is welcome to him. You move on and look after your daughter. Now she has remarried, has two more children and very happy. Her daughter has nothing to do with the bio dad because of his violence and he just really showed no interest in the girl in the supervised contact centres , so I think they are well shot of him.

For those saying, you married him after only meeting him once. This is common in Muslim culture. They dont hang about. As boyfriend and girlfriend is not allowed. So,I dont know if he or you are muslim. Maybe not because church was mentioned. And he certainly isnt acting like a muslim, if he is one, sending nudes and whatever. Or a Christian for that matter.

Honestly, girl, run for the hills. He sounds like a right pig. You can do way better.
I honestly think he was in it for a Visa. It's pretty obvious.
Just because you dont have a car or savings, doesnt mean you cannot leave this marriage.
A PP gave some great advice above by letting immigration know and exactly what to tell them.
Get your ducks in a row and let him clear off.