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Original poster

Innocent Message!

159 replies

Tiann92 · 09/05/2021 14:06

Hello

Ok I might be crazy but is this message innocent?

It's just the term babe is used .

Innocent Message!
OP posts:
Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 08:59

@GroovyPeanut

Nigerians do call each other Bae, it's a very common expression.
Do they? Even when that said person is in a relationship with some one else ? I would never call another man bae that's not my husband
OP posts:
Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 09:01

@HollowTalk

Just realised you're married. What are the chances he's targeted you for a visa?
He's not like that. He has come here and he's working hard . I think if that was the case whilst he is here he would be scrounging off me
OP posts:
Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 09:07

@Sakurami

It's suspicious that he won't let you see the messages on his phone.
Yeah I even asked to put my mind at rest and if he had nothing to hide he would have no issue . He said later later and I had to go to work so that later never come .

These are other messages I had seen , yes they are friendly but the time they messaged is what I had a issue with 12am and 2am,

I would never message another man at those times knowing he is married .

He says they are his friends

Innocent Message!
OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 15/05/2021 09:07

Does anything in his behaviour other than the texts make you think he is being shady?

Are the people he is messaging back in Nigeria or are they over here? (I mean, I suppose you don’t know for sure).

Sorry - so many questions. What I am trying to get at is, are you suspicious that he is cheating on you with someone over here? Or that he has a woman who is more than just a friend back in Nigeria? (perhaps more than one? Was the babe text also from M JULIet? I couldn’t quite tell).

I think that the fact you don’t trust him is probably a bad sign anyway. You could try and discuss it with him again I suppose - see if you can work it through. Growth in relationships can be possible if both partners can be open and honest......

How did you first get together, if you don’t mind me asking? Just because this may give some indication of how he generally operates..... And what was his relationship status then - single? If so for how long (did he say?) Has he had serious relationships in the past?

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/05/2021 09:16

I won’t pretend I can really understand those messages. But doesn’t Ella Ella have some meaning too, or am I making that up?

Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 09:19

@Lovelydiscusfish

I won’t pretend I can really understand those messages. But doesn’t Ella Ella have some meaning too, or am I making that up?
I don't know it's just another weird one for me. Why is her name Ella Ella and not just Ella ? Like a ordinary friend contact
OP posts:
Anotheruser02 · 15/05/2021 09:23

Later later is no good, he has time to delete things in the meantime. Seeing his phone is only enough if he allowed you to look then and there.

One of the things that would make me wonder about those messages is the swapping of each others movements, unless I have plans with a friend I don't really know where they are at any specific time if my friend misses my call or something they'll just call later they don't need to tell me they're at church, I wouldn't know or ask if my friend worked all night. I don't know if it's just me but that's what happens more in relationships I'm not possessive but I usually know where my partner is at least vaguely.

Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 09:25

@Lovelydiscusfish

Does anything in his behaviour other than the texts make you think he is being shady?

Are the people he is messaging back in Nigeria or are they over here? (I mean, I suppose you don’t know for sure).

Sorry - so many questions. What I am trying to get at is, are you suspicious that he is cheating on you with someone over here? Or that he has a woman who is more than just a friend back in Nigeria? (perhaps more than one? Was the babe text also from M JULIet? I couldn’t quite tell).

I think that the fact you don’t trust him is probably a bad sign anyway. You could try and discuss it with him again I suppose - see if you can work it through. Growth in relationships can be possible if both partners can be open and honest......

How did you first get together, if you don’t mind me asking? Just because this may give some indication of how he generally operates..... And what was his relationship status then - single? If so for how long (did he say?) Has he had serious relationships in the past?

I think they are in Nigeria, I'm really not sure . All he says when I ask who are they is either his friends or just nobody's .

The M juliET is the one that message bae that he said was a typo. The girl that called his babe was called el

We met online in a trading group we were just friends to begin with .

Strangely enough last month I discovered that for the first year I thought we was in a relationship he was actually in another long distance relationship with someone else .
I forgave him for that. Because although i thought we was together we were still getting to know each other .

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to loose him because he has been in my life for the past 4 years and all my future I have pictured with him . But this trust thing , it's driving me crazy .

OP posts:
GoddessKali · 15/05/2021 09:26

This is going to sound harsh and of course I’m speculating / generalising however the quickest way for British residency is marriage.
Just because he’s working it doesn’t mean his long term goal is obtaining the right to live in the UK (or whatever country you’re residing in).

If perhaps that’s your DH end goal, then he will need to stay married for a certain number of years to prove it wasn’t a sham marriage. So he’ll need to keep you sweet but still happy to play the field?

However that is me massively speculating! It’s just your response that he’s working and not scrounging doesn’t mean he’s not using you for a visa, that’s all.

I hope he’s not and all this is innocent - however I know of at least 5 people who have gone through this sort of thing with visas and partners, even if some are say South African / English, ultimately they admitted they married for the visa and love came second.

GoddessKali · 15/05/2021 09:29

@Tiann92
Strangely enough last month I discovered that for the first year I thought we was in a relationship he was actually in another long distance relationship with someone else .
I forgave him for that. Because although i thought we was together we were still getting to know each other .

^ this is a major red flag!!! Is he doing this to El & M Julie? They think he’s building a relationship with them?

Luckingfovely · 15/05/2021 09:29

I'm sorry to say that from your posts, it really sounds like he is dodgy. Please be very careful and watch his behaviour.

I hope we're all wrong, but the back story and the messages don't sound like he's in the marriage as much as you are.

Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 09:30

@Anotheruser02

Later later is no good, he has time to delete things in the meantime. Seeing his phone is only enough if he allowed you to look then and there.

One of the things that would make me wonder about those messages is the swapping of each others movements, unless I have plans with a friend I don't really know where they are at any specific time if my friend misses my call or something they'll just call later they don't need to tell me they're at church, I wouldn't know or ask if my friend worked all night. I don't know if it's just me but that's what happens more in relationships I'm not possessive but I usually know where my partner is at least vaguely.

That is exactly what I had asked him when I saw those messages, Why is someone asking if he worked all night. He said she is just a friend that he had known for a while. Why is someone saying babe they are at church he said he had asked her something although he would not tell me what.
OP posts:
PassGo · 15/05/2021 09:30

It's not sounding good OP, sorry to say.

BagORats · 15/05/2021 09:31

Well that's a massive drip feed! No wonder you don't trust the two timing cheat. You can expect to be exclusive after a couple of months - he lied to you and cheated for a whole year.

Given that he's not doing anything to help you trust him I'm not sure you can do it on your own. What does he do to show you he loves you?

herecomestreble · 15/05/2021 09:36

Out of interest, how many times did you meet before marrying?

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/05/2021 09:41

So basically he was in an LDR with you both by the sounds of it. He must have given you cause to think you were in one with him - you wouldn’t have just totally imagined it on your own.

He is starting to sound like a real player - so sorry OP.

When did you marry - you have probably said but I think I missed it.

I’m pretty sure Ella Ella means something or is some kind of cultural reference, but googling it isn’t really showing me anything. I’ll ask my daughter when her dad drops her off later - she might know.....

I don’t really understand his text to Ella Ella. I am wondering if she is the same person as El?

Not that it matters that much exactly what he is saying to whom - the point is, he doesn’t seem very trustworthy. And you sound lovely, and like you deserve better.....

Florelei · 15/05/2021 09:44

You deserve better than worrying all the time. At best you are incompatible.

gottakeeponmovin · 15/05/2021 09:54

I'm really sorry but I think you are incredibly naive if you think this is anything other than a visa pass. Working hard is irrelevant he has married you for a visa he still will need to earn money.

Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 10:03

@Lovelydiscusfish

So basically he was in an LDR with you both by the sounds of it. He must have given you cause to think you were in one with him - you wouldn’t have just totally imagined it on your own.

He is starting to sound like a real player - so sorry OP.

When did you marry - you have probably said but I think I missed it.

I’m pretty sure Ella Ella means something or is some kind of cultural reference, but googling it isn’t really showing me anything. I’ll ask my daughter when her dad drops her off later - she might know.....

I don’t really understand his text to Ella Ella. I am wondering if she is the same person as El?

Not that it matters that much exactly what he is saying to whom - the point is, he doesn’t seem very trustworthy. And you sound lovely, and like you deserve better.....

Yeah I defo wasn't imagining being in a relationship to begin with we talked everyday said love you talked about the future and how it would work . Everything really.

We got married in 2019

The text is actually what " Ella Ella " sent him .
Maybe the name does mean something just like the M JULiet person I really don't know .

Either way I'm not at all comfortable with all the messages from girls .

All these messages are from his Lock Screen it's very rare I actually see his phone he has it attached to him always. He was sleeping all the times I have looked at his phone .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 10:04

@herecomestreble

Out of interest, how many times did you meet before marrying?
Just once

But obviously a long distance relationship is a lot different than a normal one .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 10:08

@GoddessKali

This is going to sound harsh and of course I’m speculating / generalising however the quickest way for British residency is marriage. Just because he’s working it doesn’t mean his long term goal is obtaining the right to live in the UK (or whatever country you’re residing in).

If perhaps that’s your DH end goal, then he will need to stay married for a certain number of years to prove it wasn’t a sham marriage. So he’ll need to keep you sweet but still happy to play the field?

However that is me massively speculating! It’s just your response that he’s working and not scrounging doesn’t mean he’s not using you for a visa, that’s all.

I hope he’s not and all this is innocent - however I know of at least 5 people who have gone through this sort of thing with visas and partners, even if some are say South African / English, ultimately they admitted they married for the visa and love came second.

I really just can't imagine he is the type of person to string me along for all this time. I'm 28 he is 27, I've met his parents and he has met mine . We are planning to start a family, I really can't picture that this whole thing is a lie to him , his mother would be devastated.
OP posts:
Papadontpreachimintroubledeep · 15/05/2021 10:20

That wasn't a typo!
Get rid

Cloudfrost · 15/05/2021 10:21

U are so naive OP...

He is a player using you for a visa.

And no its not normal to marry someone u have only met once even. Even for long distance relationship its not normal! Your self esteem is low and you are desperate to be with him, and he knows it

GoddessKali · 15/05/2021 10:23

Good, I really hope not @Tiann92

Quite a few of the people I know lasted 5+ years in their marriage and some had children but in hindsight all have said that it was clear the marriage was actually about the visa first, love second and of course several years down the line when the going gets tough and you have babies, sleepless night, monotony then you need that real glue and proper love and respect to keep you together.

To be honest, whatever the truth is, if he will not even unlock his phone, show you the full convo, tell you exactly who the person is, if they’re in this country or another and just speak to you about it - then he’s not worth it!
I would walk away, as he’s stonewalling you about this, then what will he do in the future?
He’s not exactly reassuring you is he?

As an example if a partner of mine saw similar messages, I’d show them, explain they had nothing to worry about whilst also making sure they weren’t being controlling or jealous for no reason as it’s also important for people to be allowed friendships etc.

Ladybirdkiss · 15/05/2021 10:24

You met him once and got married ! He was cheating the whole first year you were in a relationship but you made an excuse about it, even though it was obvious you were both in a committed relationship ( love you, future talk etc) you find very dodgy texts from other women with babe, bae and hearts asking about his daily movements but he won’t even let you see his phone and offers vague responses as to who they are and what they are talking about. Can you contact one of these women? I bet they both think they are in a LDR with him. He sounds like he wanted a visa and is a player. Better to find out quickly Flowers