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Original poster

Innocent Message!

159 replies

Tiann92 · 09/05/2021 14:06

Hello

Ok I might be crazy but is this message innocent?

It's just the term babe is used .

Innocent Message!
OP posts:
herecomestreble · 15/05/2021 10:33

This cannot be for real, you actually married someone who you had only met ONCE??

GoddessKali · 15/05/2021 11:57

OP..... have you read lots of other threads?
Would it be worth taking a read and understanding things such as boundaries, future faking, the script, freedom project etc?

I may be totally wrong here, but it does sound to me like you’re perhaps not aware of these things?

They’ve been life changing for me as they enable me to see things from an outside perspective when I’m stuck in the middle of a situation I otherwise wouldn’t be able to decipher clearly Flowers

peachgreen · 15/05/2021 12:07

He's playing you for a mug, OP. It's the oldest story in the book. He's married you to stay in the UK (which honestly I have no problem with providing both parties are clear on the truth, which doesn't seem to be the case here) and now he's flirting with other women. Please be careful.

midnightstar66 · 15/05/2021 12:34

Oh gosh. Long distance relationships are usually people who know each other who move for work or study. Or meet many times getting to know one another at least. You can't have a real relationship or be in love with someone you've never ever met as they could be living a totally different life than they are telling you (as yours was you later found out). Of course he married you for the visa. He didn't know you for it to be for anything else.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/05/2021 14:13

I’m sorry but this “relationship” is all kinds of messed up. He is using you op. He considers himself a single man. Your relationship is not real and you need to wise up.

dollypartonshirspray · 15/05/2021 20:05

Erm...

Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 20:32

@GoddessKali

OP..... have you read lots of other threads? Would it be worth taking a read and understanding things such as boundaries, future faking, the script, freedom project etc?

I may be totally wrong here, but it does sound to me like you’re perhaps not aware of these things?

They’ve been life changing for me as they enable me to see things from an outside perspective when I’m stuck in the middle of a situation I otherwise wouldn’t be able to decipher clearly Flowers

Your correct, I'm not aware of those things. I shall take a look though

Thanks so much

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 15/05/2021 20:48

He just arrived in January.

Did you pay for his visa and expenses to come to the UK?

Where did you get married?
Did you marry him on your first visit there?

PremierLynn · 15/05/2021 21:00

Regardless of whether he works, or whether he scrounges off you, that doesn't take away the fact he seems to just have used you for a Visa.
Those messages alone are all to girls, why on earth is a married man messaging multiple girls? I'm not in the 'men shouldn't have female friends' camp, but they are not messages from a female close friend. They seem to be from dating/chat apps where he speaks to multiple random woman. I think you need to consider yourself future

Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 21:07

@PremierLynn

Regardless of whether he works, or whether he scrounges off you, that doesn't take away the fact he seems to just have used you for a Visa. Those messages alone are all to girls, why on earth is a married man messaging multiple girls? I'm not in the 'men shouldn't have female friends' camp, but they are not messages from a female close friend. They seem to be from dating/chat apps where he speaks to multiple random woman. I think you need to consider yourself future
The messages are from WhatsApp and they are messages he has received . I've only seen them on his Lock Screen .
OP posts:
PremierLynn · 15/05/2021 21:16

@Tiann92 do you think they are all innocent?

PremierLynn · 15/05/2021 21:17

There's an El, Juliet, Ella and Robin all messaging him.
How many males message you daily?

Original poster
Tiann92 · 15/05/2021 21:20

[quote PremierLynn]@Tiann92 do you think they are all innocent?[/quote]
I'm really not sure. When I confronted him about them, he makes me believe that I'm crazy to suggest they are anything more

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 15/05/2021 21:25

So many red flags, you could make bunting from here to Nigeria!

He sounds like a visa geezer 100%. He'll stay with you for 5 years till he gets his ILR then fetch his true love over.
You met him once then married him, you barely know him.

I say this as someone in a relationship with a foreign national. Yes it's different from being in a normal relationship but you still don't marry after meeting once and you should still hold them to the same standards as a normal relationship. I wouldn't accept my partner messaging another woman like that.

UnluckyMe · 15/05/2021 21:54

Did he push for the marriage? How long were you speaking for before you met and married? Did your parents actually approve or fore-warn you of potential issues?

I feel like you've gone in a bit blind. Bae and babe (for me at least) are words you use with a partner not a friend. If a female called my husband those i would be annoyed and he would know it!

I think you should look at other behaviours and make a decision on whether this is really a loving relationship or as someone else said, visa geezer!

RosieCockle · 15/05/2021 22:01

This will not end well. For you. It's already going tits up.

Marrying someone you met once. Seriously. You need help to get out of this mess. DO NOT HAVE A BABY.

MarshmallowAra · 15/05/2021 22:30

I'm v sorry but this has visa written all over it.

As the poster above says - his game plan may well also involve a baby .. because that gives more rights to remain in the UK than even a marriage.

I had a Nigerian man try to persuade me to have a baby for that reason.

Strangely enough last month I discovered that for the first year I thought we was in a relationship he was actually in another long distance relationship with someone else .
I forgave him for that. Because although i thought we was together we were still getting to know each other .

This plus the messages from other women saying "babe" (usually romantic affectionate term) and bae (same thing - means my partner/bf/gf) etc. .... He's got numerous women on the go.

Don't let him use you for a visa.

Oh and while cultures vary, let me just highlight (as someone who's lived in West Africa and who's had female Nigerian work colleagues who opened up about the cultural/relationship norms there) that polygyny is very very common in Nigeria and other west African countries. Not seen as odd or immoral or crazy at all to have multiple wives/women, not just Muslims, everyone. It's common among Nigerians and it's even more common when Nigerian men marry abroad to get visas. They're very pragmatic about it.

MarshmallowAra · 15/05/2021 22:39

Bae and babe (for me at least) are words you use with a partner not a friend.

Yup they're romantic, affectionate, "sexy" terms of endearment.

He's playing you trying to claim they're typos or meaningless.

You also caught him involved with another woman when you were given to understand you were in an exclusive relationship.

You're still not in an exclusive relationship.

Marriage means nothing when visas are involved. (And it means nothing in terms of exclusivity and faithfulness to certain men too).

You felt like you knew him when you married him but you didn't .. anyone can fake when it's long distance. He couldn't even do that without getting caught out being involved with someone else.

Sorry to be do harsh but you need to get out of this marriage pronto. He's going to try every tactic known to man not to lose his visa opportunity but you better get your hard hat on ... And beware in case he turns nasty/violent when he realises his visa route is slipping away.

MarshmallowAra · 15/05/2021 22:44

for the first year I thought we was in a relationship he was actually in another long distance relationship with someone else

He was hedging his bets on different horses, trying to keep as many visa oops going as possible (bet the other woman was Inna developed country with a welfare state too). These dudes usually have a few woman, often even a local wife back in their home country and "girlfriends" anywhere else they can manage - plus the visa wife/wives of course.

When I was in West Africa, some people didn't know their dob's, there's no reliable consistent registrar ... Same for weddings. They could be married to one or more women in local weddings there and noone here would have any reliable way of checking their marital status.

MarshmallowAra · 15/05/2021 22:48

When I confronted him about them, he makes me believe that I'm crazy to suggest they are anything more

I've dealt with guys like this and they are very convincing, very domineering and very manipulative.

They tend to swap techniques and tips with each other to deal with female problems that commonly crop up with their lifestyle (multiple women,visa seeking).

You won't get the truth from him.

MarshmallowAra · 15/05/2021 22:57

Can you contact one of these women? I bet they both think they are in a LDR with him

They may tell the truth,they may not.

Sometimes it's in the interests (or perceived interests) of women in the home country (if that's where they are based) to keep their mouths shut; because he's sending home money from a job on a developed country, and if he couldn't get that job without marrying a women there, well "needs must". No cushy welfare there.

I responded to a sad case on another forum with an American woman who was taken in by this, met him through church in the US (so thought he must be good!), Married, had a son .. first visit to west Africa, another woman is one the scene the whole time and then he goes off with her to their home village to give money/gifts etc, leaving the poster behind. Noone spelled it out for her, they thought she'd catch on herself and they expected her to accept it because it's common there.

Anotheruser02 · 16/05/2021 08:09

When I confronted him about them, he makes me believe that I'm crazy to suggest they are anything more

That's gaslighting, it's very effective as a manipulation tool.

Yellowcrockpot · 16/05/2021 09:00

Oh c'mon op, you can't be for real?
Do wonen really still fall for these awful Nigerian tricks (apologies, not just Nigerians, many other nationalities too)

This is absolutely for his visa!

Someone I knew had this done to her years ago, we could all see it plain as day- unfortunately I wasn't a close friend so could never point it out.
Quickly wedding, a woman with very low self esteem and just thankful someone had taken interest- but she was lovely.

A Nigerian/English wedding and it was bizarre... he spent alot of time with 'his own side' than the bride.

They loved together. He worked. They had the baby.

After 5 years, as predicted he up and went.
He was cheating throughout, as far as I know she doesn't know where he is and his daughter has no contact.

It was all a visa.

They money they earn gets sent back home. They nearly almost always work to save/send money home, so more family/lovers etc can come over.

I also know this from working in a industry that takes on many forgien people working over here. Both men and women can be very honest when you get to know them for thier motives being in England.

Do yourself a favour and divorce him. Its a sham marriage.

heartyrebel · 16/05/2021 11:40

Girl you're being played.
Do not have a baby with this man.

Mollymalone123 · 16/05/2021 11:54

So his phone is with him at all times? Won’t let you see messages-already had a girlfriend when starting online one with you- has a lot of women friends it seems. I’m sorry as I’m sure he works hard but visa springs to mind and also he is a cheater