My DP is in love with someone else (long)

[whoknew1]

Yesterday I discovered that my partner is in love with someone else.
We have been together just over a year.

Lately I have noticed he has changed a bit, there were fewer meets and we practically stopped having sex. He is still physical with me, we cuddle, kiss and share the bed but I felt something was off.
Last night I wanted to have sex and he just fobbed me off and fell asleep.
I was a bit drunk and stupidly checked his phone and there it was. Hundreds of messages between him and a girl, starting just the beginning of this year. Lots of general chit chat but also love confessions.
He tells her she is beautiful and amazing.
She knows about me, I figured out she found out his not single by accident. There relation seems more emotional than physical. It's clear from the messages they kissed but haven't had sex yet.
I think she is an old friend.
He told her that he loves her wants to be with her but cannot break up with me now because of my mum's health and mine. He says he cares about me and just cannot 'do this' to me now when I am so vulnerable.
He told her he loved her and asked her to wait for him. She refused, blocked him for a couple of weeks but came back, said she loved him too and will wait.

I am in a limbo. Don't know what to think and don't know what to feel. I am stupidly hoping that we still have a chance since he hasn't left! If he really loved this girl, he would have broken up with me by now. I am hoping that she is just some distraction or maybe an old flame. I checked her on social media and she is nothing special. But the messages between them even tho not sexual are just so intimate in a way. They don't share pictures or sext but the way they communicate is even worse.
I can't even get angry as he hasn't technically cheated on me. I was angry at first but reading all this messages I see they both feel shitty about the whole situation too. I listened to some voice notes he sent her where he says he is a cu** and hates himself for doing this all, that we are both too good for him and he doesn't deserve any of us. It broke my heart.
What to do? Is there any way out of this?
I wanted to confront him straight away but I am scared now that once I do it then he is gone. I cannot picture him gone, I love him and have no idea how I will cope without him and his help. He helped me so much in hard times. But I can't picture him skipping off to be happy with this girl. I utterly hate her even though I know I should maybe hate him more.

(Using friends account as cba to namechange)

@Soapandbubbless

From your partner's prospective. I can tell he cared. But it's not his job to fix you. As someone who has recently seperated from someone sucking away my emotional energy through his problems I can see his side.

I got with a guy who came across as together, solid and happy. But in a few short weeks I realised he was depressed and had carnage behind him. All around him was broken relationships. Money problems. Bad days. Stream women that had hurt him. It was a mess. But because he had tried to kill himself the year before I stayed. I let him talk. I told him how wonderful he was. I complimented him. I forgave him and let many things go, such as shouting. Swearing. Silent treatment. I lent him money when he couldn't get to pay day. Because I knew he barely ate as it was. I hated the thought of him struggling.

Over time I thought every other day I need to go. I need to leave. I need to stop. I need to get out. But I stayed for a few more weeks. Things got worse. He moaned. I listened. He had an off week. I excused it. I sent him gifts to cheer him up. He in return was talking to another woman or two.

I was on egg shells. Forgotten I had needs. Forgot I mattered. I didn't know how to focus on myself anymore. I was lost in him and his bluddy problems. The whole reason I got with him because he seemed funny and kind and happy. It was an act.

When we split he yelled at me. Blamed me for everything. Never thanked me for the stuff I did.

When I got away I was sad. In emotional pain. Lost. Confused. It took me quite a few weeks to get over him and several more to process things. I still loved him and cared. I like your chap had taken his problems on and tried in vain to fix it. Money. Presents. A shoulder to cry on. Ears to listen. I helped him set up a shopping account etc. Helped him order stuff for his house. I rang him at 3am if he was awake and in pain because I cared that much. I really did and i didn't care about sleep if he needed a chat.

Now I'm on the other side. I am relieved. Relieved because he was making me sick. He was making me anxious. He we lying to me. Taking advantage and being selfish. Instead of us enjoying a balanced realtionship. I was caring for him whilst he had allsorts in the background I was not told about including another woman or two.

I'm not horrible. I understand mental health and everyone needs a good person by their side. I would never want anyone to be alone on top of struggling with life. But in my case with him I didn't want it long term and why should I have? He was 15 years older than me. He had made his choices in life. He choose to drink, cheat, lie and leave his young children. He choose to fall out with his parents and siblings. I didn't want those things. I love my family. I like being around people. He had nobody around him anymore because like me he had pushed them all to give up.

What I actually want is someone to take it in turns with. Balance! Someone to invite me to his for dinner one night. Then I return the favour. Someone I can talk to and they know they can talk to me. Someone honest and prepared to put the effort in. Share laughs over a drink and talk.

Your balance was totally off in your relationship. It was not fun. He was looking after you far too soon. Your problems with money and your health meant he was doing what I was doing. Looking after you but who was looking after him?

You didn't deserve to be kept in the dark about the lady friend. I wasn't talking to anyone else so it's different in that respect. But the way you responded with violence and anger. You should have kept yourself together and let him go.

In the future I suggest you find the balance. Simple things. Such as taking it in turns to cook. Enjoying a walk or a drink together in the garden. You should be best mates almost with a partner. If you can't enjoy the company then the sex etc is irrelevant. Regardless. It's give and take. You didn't seem to give very much based on your posts.

I can imagine emotionally he was just exhausted and the other woman is perhaps lighter and more on her own two feet. Doesn't mean they will last. But I can see why he needed someone abit more positive to chat to. Sorry. But that's my pov.

Thank you for sharing an account of what it's truly like on the other side of of relationships such as this. It's very hard to understand why people stay in such difficult circumstances, but you've explained it very well. Hopefully reading your experience will help others on here in such difficult relationships. You absolutely did the right thing, it's difficult in these relationships that the other party will blame you for everything. They forget the endless good things you do, but you walk away, and you're blamed for everything.

It's a sad situation all around. When someone is in a bad place and can't give their fair share they need to get help, or stay single. But they often try and lean on people because they want to feel loved. Which they do deserve. But then people like me or this ladies lover end up drained and miserable.

I couldn't sleep and was anxious and always on high alert waiting for the next thing. Plus I was always ready to swoop in. I'm actually not usually that stupid and have quite a good set of friends and family. Never been in unhealthy relationships. I just got sucked in but soon clicked on. I knew when enough was enough. .

I still feel sad 9 weeks on sometimes. I think what the hell happened. I still care. I still don't want anything bad to happen to him. It still makes me sad to think he's walking around so unhappy and unable to treat people well because of his issues. He needs some serious therapy. But I've had to walk away and accept whatever happens to him is through his own choices. I won't like what he chooses to do next because I know it will be causing another family stress or another woman sadness. I know he will continue to battle himself and never sort it out. I hope he doesn't die completely alone with no family. But that's where he's headed.