My DP is in love with someone else (long)

[whoknew1]

Yesterday I discovered that my partner is in love with someone else.
We have been together just over a year.

Lately I have noticed he has changed a bit, there were fewer meets and we practically stopped having sex. He is still physical with me, we cuddle, kiss and share the bed but I felt something was off.
Last night I wanted to have sex and he just fobbed me off and fell asleep.
I was a bit drunk and stupidly checked his phone and there it was. Hundreds of messages between him and a girl, starting just the beginning of this year. Lots of general chit chat but also love confessions.
He tells her she is beautiful and amazing.
She knows about me, I figured out she found out his not single by accident. There relation seems more emotional than physical. It's clear from the messages they kissed but haven't had sex yet.
I think she is an old friend.
He told her that he loves her wants to be with her but cannot break up with me now because of my mum's health and mine. He says he cares about me and just cannot 'do this' to me now when I am so vulnerable.
He told her he loved her and asked her to wait for him. She refused, blocked him for a couple of weeks but came back, said she loved him too and will wait.

I am in a limbo. Don't know what to think and don't know what to feel. I am stupidly hoping that we still have a chance since he hasn't left! If he really loved this girl, he would have broken up with me by now. I am hoping that she is just some distraction or maybe an old flame. I checked her on social media and she is nothing special. But the messages between them even tho not sexual are just so intimate in a way. They don't share pictures or sext but the way they communicate is even worse.
I can't even get angry as he hasn't technically cheated on me. I was angry at first but reading all this messages I see they both feel shitty about the whole situation too. I listened to some voice notes he sent her where he says he is a cu** and hates himself for doing this all, that we are both too good for him and he doesn't deserve any of us. It broke my heart.
What to do? Is there any way out of this?
I wanted to confront him straight away but I am scared now that once I do it then he is gone. I cannot picture him gone, I love him and have no idea how I will cope without him and his help. He helped me so much in hard times. But I can't picture him skipping off to be happy with this girl. I utterly hate her even though I know I should maybe hate him more.

(Using friends account as cba to namechange)

You've been with him for year and he has cheated on you for months already. I don't know why you even have to think about this!

karma is a bitch isnt it?
you cheated on your ex husband, your new boyfriend (after only a year he isnt a partner really imo) cheats on you. thats life.

show some self respect and move on, dont be the bitter stalker ex

I was reading just couldn't log on.

I went to see him early this morning, didn't warn him I was coming. Once he opened the door, his face told me he knows I'd found out.

He just sat there and listened while I cried and threw all my pain out. Called him all the possible names, I slapped him and kicked him. He didn't even move back. Yes I know I have no dignity.

He said he didn't plan all this. Confirmed that yes, he loves her. She is apparently an old friend and his feelings just grew to her over time. Their never slept together and only met 3 times this year he said.

I called her ugly and a bitch and that she has no dignity, then he got a bit emotional and said she is none of that, it's not her fault and other bullshit. That it's all him. It was so painful, how protective he was over her immediately. He said to me: your feeling angry at her but it's me and not her you should hate. How dares he tell me what to feel!!!

When I asked why lying all the time, he said he had wanted to speak to me many times but would alway lose courage as things were tense with me and I was in a bad place all the time. Apparently he was ready for the big talk in January but then I had a minor car accident, I was fine but so shaken for a number of days, then we got bad news about mum and eventually he just didn't say it. He claims he never wanted to hurt me, he cares for me but does not love me or see future for us. That we are just too different and that even I had doubts about as a couple. That he tried to make it work. He apologised many times and said he genuinely didn't know what to do, that the whole situation just overwhelmed him. That he is so sorry I found out like I did but I would find out anyway as he knew he needed to sort it out eventually.

He didn't want to talk about her but I forced him I said that I deserve the whole truth. So he will try to give it a go with this girl if she still wants him because apparently she blocked him again as she couldn't cope with it all.
I told him I will message her on fb and stir and mess things up between them, I know it was low of me but I just wanted him to hurt, too.
He said I can do what I want, he is not blaming me but nothing can change how he feels about her as she is a good person and she will probably just ignore me as she has been through a lot in life... how fucking wonderful, such an angel she is.

I feel like making up lots of lies, just to fuck things up between them. Why not, why should I be good and full of morals when they did this to me?

He does not want any money back from me and is happy to keep helping me out still until I am back at work full time. He drove me back home in my car as I was too upset and cried all the time. He cried too but didn't talk much. I expected him to be more apologetic but he was almost withdrawn after he answered all I asked. I kept asking the same questions and he just kept repeating the same stuff like on autopilot.

He is gone now, will have to pay lots for taxi to get to the nearest train station. I am kind of glad I caused him at least a bit of trouble. It was all over in less than 4 hours. 2 hours really as the rest was him driving me back. A year long relationship over in 2 hours. I said its of course over and that I don't want to ever see him ever again yet deep down all I want is for him to come back😭. I am so pathetic.

you are lucky he didnt decide to call the police on you assaulting him

Being broken up with hurts like crazy but it's part of life. He's broken up with you he just hasn't got it together to tell you yet. Keep your self respect and tell him to sling it.

@Cloudfrost

you are lucky he didnt decide to call the police on you assaulting him

Really? Is this what is most important here? I know I shouldn't of done that and O never hit people. It was just frustration and anger. He betrayed me. I came here for support not to be told off like a child.

Fucking hell just read your update
You're losing the plot. You can't behave like that.

You are lucky he didn't call the police though. Your behaviour was fucking bonkers

I’m sorry he’s been cheating on you and he’s gone about it all wrong by not ending it sooner but please just leave them both alone now.
I know your hurting but that’s no excuse to get physical with him and make threats. Don’t do anything stupid.

It was a light slap and a light kick after he admitted he loves her. Fgs have you never ever felt like punching someone who had hurt you? Even your other half? I am not looking for excuses but everyone says get angry, so I got angry and now being told off for losing the plot. Can't win.

With all the kindness in the world, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot and your attitude towards this relationship doesn’t sounds the healthiest — investing in some counselling could support you to come out the other side and find your happily ever after.

OP, you've had a fair bit of support on this thread, & I'm sorry you chosen to go against most advice & make a scene which I guarantee you was more upsetting to you than anyone else involved in this sad triangle.

Here's my final bit of advice:
"Dignity gets you through times of no man, better than man gets you through times of no dignity."

It's understandable that you're upset, but until you lose this bitter, blaming mentality, you are going to find it very hard to be content, let alone happy.

Wanting to invent trouble-making lies, wanting to upset people, wanting other people to hurt, never ends well for the ill-wisher.
May I gently suggest that you access some counselling to deal with the inappropriate levels of rage you are expressing?
You only dated the guy for a few months, & he was cheating on you for nearly half of them. He really, really, is not worth all this negative energy. Get yourself some help & work on stabilising your life (I know you've had a lot of crap going on, hardly your fault) & giving yourself some genuine self-care instead of focusing & blaming outwards.

So you attacked him and acted like a psycho?

Please get some help, you really sound like you need it if all of that is real and you aren't too absolutely mortified to type that behaviour out on a public forum, anonymous or not

You assaulted someone today.

How would you have felt if your ex had hit, slapped and kicked you when he found out you cheated?

It would have been assault.

You're spiralling and need to seek help. He's been a carer for much of your very short relationship and while he has behaved badly, you sound very intense and to be honest scary and I can see that (whether you mean to or not) that could be a manipulative mixture that makes people afraid to be honest with you.

Be honest with yourself - if he had told you he wanted to end it, I think you'd have begged / cried / told him you can't cope any more etc. It's too much of an unfair burden to put on someone else let alone someone you haven't been with for very long - not even a year.

You have reacted violently and aggressively to someone cheating on you. You said yourself you've cheated before. Would you have thought it was ok for your ex to hit, slap and kick you if he had found out? Obviously not.

You're lucky he didn't call the police and it's worrying you don't get how shocking your behaviour is.

Really? Is this what is most important here? I know I shouldn't of done that and O never hit people.

But clearly you do. As well as kick.

It was just frustration and anger. He betrayed me.
When you betrayed a previous guy, as you mentioned, would it have been ok for him to assault you for it?
Stop blaming other people for your actions.

I came here for support
You got lots of support. You chose not to hear it.

PP were rooting for you to decide you were too good to put up with being two-timed, to find your dignity & get out of this relationship with some pride & self-value.
You did the opposite. That's done now, so stop being angry about it!

not to be told off like a child.
Then grow up, take responsibility for your own actions, leave this guy alone, & stay the fuck away from the OW unless you want to get arrested & be humiliated further with a restraining order.

Please. Get some help.
No few-month old relationship is worth this level of angst & ire.

You slapped him and kicked him, threatened to make his life a misery, and showed no understanding or respect for him at all.

You're glad you caused him trouble.

Have you ever actually loved this man? Or did you just enjoy having his help?

I just re read. You don't sound well... Please get some help quickly

@whoknew11

It was a light slap and a light kick after he admitted he loves her. Fgs have you never ever felt like punching someone who had hurt you? Even your other half? I am not looking for excuses but everyone says get angry, so I got angry and now being told off for losing the plot. Can't win.

No because I don't assault people. You were together for a year and were miserable and required obscene amounts of caring for during that time and also had lockdown in between and now you're assaulting him, threatening to fuck up his future, taking his money and being offensive to people.

It was a brand new relationship that he got very little out of. Introducing family because 'it felt Right' - well now you know that's a bad idea.

You need to breathe and move on now as hard as that is. It was a short long distance relationship.

I know you are right I shouldn't of hit him or anything I just feel so lost and totally rejected now. How can people say he is a cheater and of no worth and then defend him and say he could of concated the police. He hasn't as he knows what he did.
I know I have shown lack of control and massive weakness but I am just not coping, slept 3 hours of broken sleep and soon I need to go to my mums to bathe her and pretend all is good. I just hate everything.

He sounds like a rescuer, the kind who's always looking for the next damsel in distress to rescue.

You'll see in time. that you're well out of it, op.

What’s done is done. He’s gone. You’ve done what you’ve done, even though it doesn’t cover you in glory. He does sound like he was trying to be fair and nothing has happened yet. Any stirring, lying or revenge moves will only make him pleased you’re out of his life. Keep your dignity. You’re allowed to be upset, angry etc but you’ve got to step back now. It’s done. Look after yourself.

If you were trying to leave him, and he slapped and kicked you, all of MN would be screaming to call the police.

You need to fix your shit.

@whoknew11

I know you are right I shouldn't of hit him or anything I just feel so lost and totally rejected now. How can people say he is a cheater and of no worth and then defend him and say he could of concated the police. He hasn't as he knows what he did. I know I have shown lack of control and massive weakness but I am just not coping, slept 3 hours of broken sleep and soon I need to go to my mums to bathe her and pretend all is good. I just hate everything.

What's done is done. I know you're hurt, but in a few weeks times you'll realise how much better off you are. He has lied to your face for the last 4 months. He might have been there for you through the hard times but he's also betrayed you and now loves someone else. As hard as it will be don't look at her social media and block him. You'll feel so much better for it

@whoknew1

You're relationship with this man is already over.You've been together a year and he's been messing about with another woman for the past 4 months.

This man is an arsehole;just ditch him already.

And your response is probably why you're in this mess - because he was scared of telling you because he knew you were likely to respond like this.

Violence and threats are never excusable. Never.