My DP is in love with someone else (long)

[whoknew1]

Yesterday I discovered that my partner is in love with someone else.
We have been together just over a year.

Lately I have noticed he has changed a bit, there were fewer meets and we practically stopped having sex. He is still physical with me, we cuddle, kiss and share the bed but I felt something was off.
Last night I wanted to have sex and he just fobbed me off and fell asleep.
I was a bit drunk and stupidly checked his phone and there it was. Hundreds of messages between him and a girl, starting just the beginning of this year. Lots of general chit chat but also love confessions.
He tells her she is beautiful and amazing.
She knows about me, I figured out she found out his not single by accident. There relation seems more emotional than physical. It's clear from the messages they kissed but haven't had sex yet.
I think she is an old friend.
He told her that he loves her wants to be with her but cannot break up with me now because of my mum's health and mine. He says he cares about me and just cannot 'do this' to me now when I am so vulnerable.
He told her he loved her and asked her to wait for him. She refused, blocked him for a couple of weeks but came back, said she loved him too and will wait.

I am in a limbo. Don't know what to think and don't know what to feel. I am stupidly hoping that we still have a chance since he hasn't left! If he really loved this girl, he would have broken up with me by now. I am hoping that she is just some distraction or maybe an old flame. I checked her on social media and she is nothing special. But the messages between them even tho not sexual are just so intimate in a way. They don't share pictures or sext but the way they communicate is even worse.
I can't even get angry as he hasn't technically cheated on me. I was angry at first but reading all this messages I see they both feel shitty about the whole situation too. I listened to some voice notes he sent her where he says he is a cu** and hates himself for doing this all, that we are both too good for him and he doesn't deserve any of us. It broke my heart.
What to do? Is there any way out of this?
I wanted to confront him straight away but I am scared now that once I do it then he is gone. I cannot picture him gone, I love him and have no idea how I will cope without him and his help. He helped me so much in hard times. But I can't picture him skipping off to be happy with this girl. I utterly hate her even though I know I should maybe hate him more.

(Using friends account as cba to namechange)

Play 'Misty' for me.

Op, why are you minimising the seriousness of what you've done?

He cheated on you and no one would condone it. However it's not a crime and it doesn't vindicate you assaulting him. That's crazy behaviour and isn't okay no matter what he's done

You sound vile.

‘I slapped him and kicked him’

‘ I called her ugly and a bitch and that she has no dignity’

‘ I feel like making up lots of lies, just to fuck things up between them’

You need to work on yourself before you get into another relationship. I actually feel for him.

How can people say he is a cheater and of no worth and then defend him and say he could of concated the police.

Because someone can be a cheater and it isn't 'defending' their cheating or their character to say it still isn't ok to physically assault them, threaten to ruin their life, fuck up their future etc.

It's a disproportionate, ridiculously aggressive reaction that is CRIMINAL.

You didn't answer - if your ex had slapped, hit and kicked you when you found out you would you have thought it was acceptable? No. If people had said well she's a cheat so I won't defend her, would you have thought it was acceptable? No.

People are more than one thing. He can be a shit boyfriend and still not deserve to be attacked.

He's given you a LOT of support, you say so yourself, he's not asked you to pay him back despite you assaulting him, he made sure you got home safe, yes he's done a shit thing and the relationship should absolutely be over. But that doesn't give you the right or the moral highground to respond the way you have.

You sound very manipulative as you're making yourself the victim in all this when it sounds like you've also taken a lot from the relationship too, it hasn't been all one way. It didn't work out. It's only been a year. Life goes on, this is part of adulting.

Stop spiralling, get some help and reflect on your own actions instead of ruminating over his and getting angry.

You did what he did at one point, that doesn't make you a terrible and fundamentally evil person. It doesn't make him one either and it sounds like the relationship was codependent and unhealthy in many ways.

You really need to try and understand why people are so shocked at your reaction instead of lashing out at them.

I feel bad saying this but you have handled it wrong. You had every right to be hurt. To be mad. To want to understand. But calling her ugly etc just makes you look childish. Don't get me wrong have a glass of wine with a friend and pick her apart and have a giggle. But to call her horrible names to him makes you look so bad. As I wrote in my post above. Wish him well. Tell him you will not be anyone's second choice. Move on like a mature decent strong woman. Because you owed that much to yourself!

I will never agree to anyone getting involved elsewhere like he has. But it sounds like your realtionship was heavy. It seemed abit serious very quickly. As in him having to support you rather than enjoy dating you and bonding with you. That said it's not your fault if you have struggles and you don't deserve to feel on top of struggling you've lost someone you love because of how things have worked out.

Overall he sounds like he is fairly decent and did genuinely struggle and didn't want to let you down or walk. But relationships especially in the early years need to be positive and uplifting. It sounds like the balance was missing.

I get that you are hurt. I don't think kicking him was nice. You sound like you need to handle your anger better. I think you need therapy. You are clearly suffering and perhaps you need to stop drinking.

Nobody likes this part as I said above. But you need to find happiness in yourself now. Whether that's through therapy. Enjoying the garden. Cooking. Pampering yourself. Seeing Friends. Enjoying a boxset. A new hair style. Some shopping. You need to go no contact. Write your feelings down. I used email drafts to write down my thoughts.

It sounds like you are not in the best place right now and you need to heal. Be kind to yourself and try and not focus on the other woman. You'll only hurt yourself.

She's hurt, she's not vile. She wants him to feel the pain that she is feeling because of his actions. She admits she made a mistake but have some compassion for someone who feels like their heart is broken! I'm sure that most of us have been there, I certainly have. Violence isn't the option we all know that. No it isn't the OW fault but she knew he was in a relationship, regardless of the length of said relationship, she was willing to wait for him. In doing so it's caused heartache to someone already struggling.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it will get better.

I have just end the full thread and had some sympathy although I agreed with the majority that this relationship is done. After your update today though, I more feel alarmed. Your response is not a rational or normal one, you sound quite frightening. I do hope that you leave it now, stay away from them, otherwise I think you are going to find yourself in trouble with the law.

@seekingadvice23

She's hurt, she's not vile. She wants him to feel the pain that she is feeling because of his actions. She admits she made a mistake but have some compassion for someone who feels like their heart is broken! I'm sure that most of us have been there, I certainly have. Violence isn't the option we all know that. No it isn't the OW fault but she knew he was in a relationship, regardless of the length of said relationship, she was willing to wait for him. In doing so it's caused heartache to someone already struggling. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it will get better.

Would you say that if your friend cheated on a partner and when that partner found out he hit / slapped / kicked her?

@seekingadvice23

She's hurt, she's not vile. She wants him to feel the pain that she is feeling because of his actions. She admits she made a mistake but have some compassion for someone who feels like their heart is broken! I'm sure that most of us have been there, I certainly have. Violence isn't the option we all know that. No it isn't the OW fault but she knew he was in a relationship, regardless of the length of said relationship, she was willing to wait for him. In doing so it's caused heartache to someone already struggling. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it will get better.

She assaulted him. That can never be condoned. Never.

It's not just the assaulting him, it's the not being utterly mortified and ashamed and trying to justify it that's terrifying

‘ Fgs have you never ever felt like punching someone who had hurt you? Even your other half?’

Never!

P.s look at it this way. You cause trouble for them you end up looking bitter,nasty, jealous, crazy and you could end up in trouble. .

You stay quiet. You get to keep your dignity. You look mature. You will look back one day and think I really really wish I hadn't given them the satisfaction or the opportunity!

I have stayed silent because I have heard my ex slag of other women for going crazy at him after they split. One lady ended up ringing and texting him so much he got his cousin to have a go at her. Never ever will I stoop to that. My silence is the biggest stuff you.

Plus if you stay silent! You are not letting him in. You are not giving them access to your life! You don't want them to know. Let him wonder if you are happy. Sad. Moved on. Loving life. That's surely better.

I have gone through every emotion through my recent split and he knows absolutely nothing. because I've grieved in private. I've handled myself properly. Because I will never ever give him the satisfaction. Please take my advice you will thank yourself for it later when you don't care anymore.

Are you getting any help op?

It got lost amongst all the hysterical slapping and kicking but I would not expect him to keep paying the shortfall before you go back to work full time op.

I would think he will be blocking you and moving house. It really doesn't matter what he has done - your behaviour would mean he will just be relieved to be shot of you now.

I never condoned violence, I clearly said violence is never the option!

I think the ship of 'dignified silence' set sail some time ago. Ah well....

When I asked why lying all the time, he said he had wanted to speak to me many times but would alway lose courage as things were tense with me and I was in a bad place all the time. Apparently he was ready for the big talk in January but then I had a minor car accident, I was fine but so shaken for a number of days, then we got bad news about mum and eventually he just didn't say it.

Take some time and reflect on this when you are calmer. I had an ex who was similar to you and while I never cheated on him, I felt that he always had such extreme emotions and so much drama in his life that there was no room for my feelings. They were never as important as his.

When I voiced any unhappiness, he took it as an insult and criticism rather than wanting to help us both be happier. When I voiced any frustration he took it as me being impatient while he ignored the endless patience I gave him until those points. You haven't left him any room to be honest with you so instead of doing the right thing and walking away, he's done the cowardly thing of getting his own emotional needs met elsewhere and been too frightened of your anger and / or the ever present (even if unsaid threat) of it making you mentally unwell and at her than telling you.

If he had told you he was overwhelmed, unhappy and didn't see a future it doesn't seem like you would have taken that graciously and respected his wishes. It sounds like you'd have lost the plot, told him it's unfair to leave you when you're low, that he hasn't tried hard enough etc. If you're honest with yourself, can you see any of that?

I think a crush is a relief from the pandemic
An escape from reality. He may get over it

You've lost half your dignity. Hold on to the rest of it. Just walk away

He was frightened of your reaction because he knows what you're like. Not justification for him to cheat but you cannot justify your criminal, abusive behaviour.
You must leave them both alone not and if you're still fantasising about harassing this woman as well as assaulting your ex, then seek professional help.

Now*

Were you actually in a relationship with this guy? Or did you meet him overwhelmed him with your issues and unhappiness? You say you had fun? In the next breath you said he was doing all of your cooking, cleaning, helping you with your mum and you were so miserable you couldn't get out of bed?
I think you may have lent on him far,far too much. You say you didn't see much of each other, was he trying to distance himself from you, but you manipulated and wheedled so he put off trying to end it? The way you've spoken about him doesn't sound like you even like him to be honest. He's not your saviour!
You've kicked him and punched him and slagged off his friend, and yes they've not rushed into a relationship, he's even offered to still support you financially. He can't be that bad a guy!
He's certainly treated you a lot better than you did him. You need to get some counselling, stop the woe is me, and stop being so devious and vindictive. Because he didn't want sex you looked at his phone. You found out he wanted to leave. You've really behaved quite appallingly by turning up at his house, then after he's seen you safely home you gloat that he's had a long journey home with taxis and trains. You need to stop drinking and start acting like an adult. Behaving like you have, he's probably glad to see the back of you!
Nothing gives you the right to assault somebody just because they won't do want you want them to do. Slagging off his friend wasn't one of your finest moments either. I had sympathy with you at the opening posts of this thread. With each update you've shown your true colours. You ought to be ashamed.

You can flame for this but the truth is I had cheated on ex husband while still married and in love with him. I was unhappy and wanted to feel desired and important but didn't love that guy, it was a casual couple of weeks thing with a work mate. But deep down I still loved the husband then.

You did this to your long term husband. This guy did it to a short term girlfriend. Neither is ok but I would be very careful about implying he deserved being assaulted by you because I'm sure if your ex had assaulted you when he found out you cheated on him, you'd have quite rightly felt it was totally unacceptable of him. And criminal.

You said your kids roll their eyes when you badmouth their father to them, and that you’ve dated ‘arseholes’, why not just stop the relentless dramas and stream of shit boyfriends and focus on yourself, and your kids? No need for any of this nonsense.

My shitty ex husband who treated me so bad at the end, eve has been with one woman for 4 years now and they seem to have an amazing life. Even my kids roll their eyes when I sometimes bitch about them that it's probably all fake.

Your poor kids are being so damaged by this stuff OP, you need to get some help. Stop drinking, get some counselling and focus on getting yourself into a more stable place mentally. You sound unwell, angry and out of control. Your children are hearing you shit talk their dad and that his relationship is fake. You cheated on a partner too even though you say you loved them?! Surely you understand more than most that relationships are complex and doing something bad like cheating doesn't mean you deserve to be punished and miserable forever. Or physically assaulted!!

Take a breath and think about YOUR actions. They are all YOU can control. Stop focusing on being wronged and people not behaving how you want to.

Model reasonable behaviour to your children.