My DP is in love with someone else (long)

[whoknew1]

Yesterday I discovered that my partner is in love with someone else.
We have been together just over a year.

Lately I have noticed he has changed a bit, there were fewer meets and we practically stopped having sex. He is still physical with me, we cuddle, kiss and share the bed but I felt something was off.
Last night I wanted to have sex and he just fobbed me off and fell asleep.
I was a bit drunk and stupidly checked his phone and there it was. Hundreds of messages between him and a girl, starting just the beginning of this year. Lots of general chit chat but also love confessions.
He tells her she is beautiful and amazing.
She knows about me, I figured out she found out his not single by accident. There relation seems more emotional than physical. It's clear from the messages they kissed but haven't had sex yet.
I think she is an old friend.
He told her that he loves her wants to be with her but cannot break up with me now because of my mum's health and mine. He says he cares about me and just cannot 'do this' to me now when I am so vulnerable.
He told her he loved her and asked her to wait for him. She refused, blocked him for a couple of weeks but came back, said she loved him too and will wait.

I am in a limbo. Don't know what to think and don't know what to feel. I am stupidly hoping that we still have a chance since he hasn't left! If he really loved this girl, he would have broken up with me by now. I am hoping that she is just some distraction or maybe an old flame. I checked her on social media and she is nothing special. But the messages between them even tho not sexual are just so intimate in a way. They don't share pictures or sext but the way they communicate is even worse.
I can't even get angry as he hasn't technically cheated on me. I was angry at first but reading all this messages I see they both feel shitty about the whole situation too. I listened to some voice notes he sent her where he says he is a cu** and hates himself for doing this all, that we are both too good for him and he doesn't deserve any of us. It broke my heart.
What to do? Is there any way out of this?
I wanted to confront him straight away but I am scared now that once I do it then he is gone. I cannot picture him gone, I love him and have no idea how I will cope without him and his help. He helped me so much in hard times. But I can't picture him skipping off to be happy with this girl. I utterly hate her even though I know I should maybe hate him more.

(Using friends account as cba to namechange)

@whoknew1

I just can't believe he did this. We got on. Yes it wasn't perfect but we had fun and he was really into me at the beginning, always complimenting me and being lovely. Always making an effort, plans, sticking to it. It was such a change after dating assholes. He made me feel important and we introduced our families to each other early on, as it just felt right.

His ex wife cheated on him and we talked a lot how it fucked him up yet he did the same. How could he cheat and build this all up when he was a victim of it himself.

It’s so awful. You don’t deserve this at all, the only thing you can do is just get through it and maintain your dignity, support your self esteem.

Order yourself a takeaway with lots of breaddy stuff (pizza? Naan breads?) put on a thriller movie and try to fall asleep as early as you can. It hurts and it sucks but there’s nothing else for it.

He’s been a shit, but unfortunately his feeling have just changed. It happens. He’s handled it really badly but you will be ok

Look I’m going to be blunt! He’s cake eating already chasing the ego kibbles (hmmm makes me question his marriage break up) and you’ve only been together a year.

He’s cheating when this should be the honeymoon period of your relationship. Stick with this man and you’re asking for trouble.

Face this head on and kick him out the door. I should imagine he’ll play booboo eyes because you know he’s such a ‘lovely supportive man’ but lovely supportive men DO NOT cheat!

Every day you will be waking up wondering if today will be the day he leaves you.

Why prolong the agony??

Leave now.

It’s over. You need to let him go. It hurts but it is the only way. Good luck xxx

How's the hangover this morning OP? I agree with all the sensible advice above. Time to let go with dignity.

What a shock. You need to end this with dignity. Don't know if he is using your issues as an excuse to string you both along or whether he is genuinely conflicted about leaving you but it doesn't really matter. He doesn't love you and is cheating. That will not change, it has happened. You can't go back to a lovely relationship now knowing this. You need to pick yourself up and move on.

I hope your head isn't too bad today!

And I hope your head is clear enough to start making some sensible decisions, or at least reading the above posts properly.

I honestly couldn't believe it when I read your age - I thought this was going to be someone in their very early twenties. And you have children?

It is of course terribly painful when someone betrays you like this - but do keep it in perspective - you have only been dating lightly for a year, not married for twenty.

He has shown you who he is. Stop wallowing in the drama and start making the hard choices you know you need to make, it is the only way to start getting over this and being happier in the future.

The relationship is already over. Accept it and move on with dignity.

You've only been together just over a year and - already living together by the sound of it. How much in the way of 'hard times' has he been there for you in that short tie.

Get rid of him. He's cheating, has been for months and you've only been together five minutes.

It is just not working, op. You'll find someone else sooner or later. Broken hearts do mend, you know.

@whoknew1

I am staying overnight at friend's but she's gone to work now. I did a thorough social media search of this girl. She is a nurse. A fucking nurse. Doesn't post a lot but posted something about choices and not being judgemental. What a cheek. They must have met thru work as he is NHS too. They both worked thru the hole of lockdown that probably brought them closer. She is not even attractive, very plain. My friend said I look much better even with extra weight on. All she really posts are her pets or stuff about nhs and covid. He doesn't even like animals that much. What a joke.

This is completely irrelevant and quite spiteful on your behalf.

She doesn't need to be beautiful.people fall in love with people who aren't beautiful all the time. And so what if he doesn't like animals? All completely irrelevant.

How can I judge anyone if I did the same.

It's not about judging. It's about deciding what you want for your life.

It seems he feels trapped by your vulnerability as someone else suggested. You need to show him that you're not vulnerable and you don't need him.

She is irrelevant there is no need to he nasty about her. He has wronged you and she's just fallen for the same bullshit from him that you did 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe he doesn't love her. Maybe he's just a player who loves the attention. But do you really want someone like that either?

Have a bit of self respect.

‘She is irrelevant there is no need to he nasty about her. He has wronged you and she's just fallen for the same bullshit from him that you did 🤷🏻‍♀️‘

I TOTALLY disagree with this. This woman knows he is in a long term committed relationship and is struggling with a poorly mum, and is vulnerable and she still has CHOSEN to continue to sneak around with him and support his cheating on his girlfriend. There is a victim here and it is not this woman, it is the OP and if she wants to feel angry, enraged, if she wants to vent then that is ENTIRELY her right.

If the OP continues to make the OW the villain then she diverts all her energy away from dealing with the situation. Making spiteful remarks about her only distracts her. She's already making excuses for him.

Look I don’t disagree that she needs to get away from this man but telling a hurt woman she’s being ‘spiteful’ doesn’t help anyone!

And the OW is not a victim here. She’s a woman who has chosen to shoehorn herself into someone else’s committed relationship, I have ZERO time for these woman, and certainly won’t be defending them over the actual victim here 🙄

So for nearly half of your relationship your bf has had the hots for someone else. The reason he hasn’t left is that it isn’t convenient for him to, when it is, he’ll go but in the meantime your MH will suffer further.

You need to let him go because he’s too selfish to prioritise your need not to be messed about with above his want to have his future relationship all set up before he leaves.

Support group relationships tend not to have the longest shelf lives.

Hi I've not read all the replies but it's time to let him go. It will be hard and you will not feel yourself for a while. But believe me when I say it's ruined now. It's already broken. You will never ever feel secure with this Chap again. You will always doubt. Always wonder. Never be able to relax. You will be constantly checking his phone etc.

She should have never been able to get to this point with him. Because he was only a few months into his relationship with you when he started. So he obviously couldn't control himself

I'm 8 weeks out of a relationship with a bloke who had Alot of issues. One of his issues was women. Always looking. Always flirting. Lied to me. I found out he was messaging another woman that he told me he had blocked. She has been hurt by him a much as I have. We've both been sold a lie by him.

You are good enough and you never should stay with someone tempted by another woman. Regardless of how bad he feels. The fact he can't have sex with you shows he's in a bad place. Let him go. Tell him you are aware of the woman he's talking to. You will not be his second best. Wish him well. Move on. Keep dignified. Don't contact.

I've remained silent and no contact with him for 5 weeks now. Because he came back for a few days to try win me back.in that time I've cried. Wrote a journal. Struggled to find happiness. I've talked about it to friends. About 2 weeks ago I woke up on a Saturday feeling sad as soon as he popped into my mind. I forced myself to snap out of it. I got up. Made coffee. Put my music on. I went online and got myself something nice for my house. I started a box set on Netflix. I started meeting friends for more walks etc. I started cooking different meals. I feel tons better. Some days I feel angry. But mostly good days now.

You need to feel the pain to go forward. Nobody likes that part. But you have so much life left to live and I promise you that someone else will make you happy when the times right.

You deserve first place with no distractions. Humans in relationships should be able to control themselves. Sadly they can't always. He wants to put his penis into someone else even though he's got you. Sorry that sounds rude. But it's true. You are there with everything to offer. Sex. Love. Fun. Conversation. It's only been a year. He's already window shopping and started test driving.

Every woman has been here to some degree and we survive. Get your big girl pants on. You owe it to yourself to not let him have you now. Go get what you deserve x

sweetheart, youve only been with him a year and hes already got one foot out the door and pining after someone else for nearly half that time. This isnt the guy for you. Bin him off. At least hes self aware enough to know hes a cunt that doesnt deserve either of you women

@whoknew1

I am staying overnight at friend's but she's gone to work now. I did a thorough social media search of this girl. She is a nurse. A fucking nurse. Doesn't post a lot but posted something about choices and not being judgemental. What a cheek. They must have met thru work as he is NHS too. They both worked thru the hole of lockdown that probably brought them closer. She is not even attractive, very plain. My friend said I look much better even with extra weight on. All she really posts are her pets or stuff about nhs and covid. He doesn't even like animals that much. What a joke.

Your focus is too much on her and not yourself or your partner. It isn't about looks, weight etc . He has tried possibly to do the right thing but this has blown up in both your faces . Tell him to go .

and please dont fall into the trap of criticising her. its irrelevent. Plenty of the women who my stepdad cheated with were not a patch on my mum. it probably feels good to pick her apart a bit, but it is irrelevent at the end of the day. She might be plain and have boring interests, but maybe your boyfriend is plainer and more boring than you first thought too.

@Blossompetals.
This is such a sensible post explained from experience and the heart.
I wish I had taken this route in a similar situation.

Dump him. And leave her out of it.

@Fliss444

It's hard isn't it. I've learned from past experiences. I wasn't so smart in my early 20s. Now I'm early 30s I have a zero tolerance for men and their crap lol! It's so difficult now with Facebook, phones and dating apps. It turns many people into greedy liars and cheats.
The best part about it ending for me this time was me saying in my final message "I don't want you lee" "your life is too dramary for me and you don't have a clue what you want I'm 100% done"

I walked away knowing I was done and had made it clear I wasn't his fool.

I hope the op does the same.

@whoknew1

Also I understand why you looked her up and it ls natural to look at reasons they are not that great. Mine is currently flirting with a much larger lady with cats who lives in a seaside town he hates. He spent half our relationship saying big women repulsed him. So I did chuckle to myself when I saw her. But I am not putting her down. She's 20 years older than me and all I think is I hope her family look after her and she wakes up to the liar he is. I don't want her to end up like I was.i wish I could save every woman from him , Because let's face it (same with your guy) when someone else comes along that's slightly prettier or younger or richer than the new lady he may move on to her.

Sometimes men have a history of being bed hoppers. Sometimes we don't know someone as well as we thought.

I hope you feel better today. But remember regardless. There's a lovely man out there waiting for you. But until then you need to be learning to love yourself again. You technically dont need a man for anything.

You've been together a year, a big chunk of that in lockdown before bubbles could be created, and for 4 months of the year he has been cheating.cut him loose and find someone who wants to be with you

I don't want them to be happy. [...] How come this people get there happily ever after while we don't.

You don't want the man you love to be happy? OK, so it's not with you, but you don't want him to be happy, to have his happy ever after?

Maybe this kind of attitude is why you don't find yours.

I don't know why you're wondering / hoping if he might change his mind and stay after all etc.

Have some self respect, you deserve better than this cheater. Get rid of him.

How are you feeling today OP? Hope you're ok

Sadly the OP does not seem to want to read any of your very excellent replies.