What a horrible, horrible shock OP. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Obviously, you are going to need time to process, & that includes dealing with the immediate emotional distress & inevitable mood swings & 'what ifs' ... so please take anything I post with a pinch of salt, as I want to be supportive, but have issues with how you are perceiving some of his behaviours ...
I am stupidly hoping that we still have a chance since he hasn't left! If he really loved this girl, he would have broken up with me by now.
This isn't stupid of you - it's natural!
Finding out has blown a hole in your world, & your instinct is to wish the hole away so you can get back on an even keel.
But realistically - once the immediate horror has settled down a bit - why would you want to feel like second fiddle?
He's shown you who he is. Believe him. Start protecting yourself, because yearning to be back at the point before this revelation blew your relationship up is not going to help you.
I am hoping that she is just some distraction or maybe an old flame. I checked her on social media and she is nothing special.
It's very very hard (& women are conditioned to do this from girlhood), but please do NOT start comparing yourself against this girl.
Special or not, she's the one he's decided to cheat on you with.
He 'worth' or 'specialness' or otherwise is no reflection on you.
Whoever she is, it makes no odds to you.
All you have to focus on is the fact that DP has cheated (whether physical or not), & how YOU wish to respond to that.
I can't even get angry as he hasn't technically cheated on me. I was angry at first but reading all this messages I see they both feel shitty about the whole situation too. I listened to some voice notes he sent her where he says he is a cu and hates himself for doing this all, that we are both too good for him and he doesn't deserve any of us. It broke my heart.
Gah!
He's doing a 'Mr Sensitive' act on this girl, in order to maintain the cognitive dissonance between acting like a cunt but not wanting the inconvenience of feeling like one.
If he had any decency, he wouldn't be stringing this girl along, he'd wait until he was single. And he certainly wouldn't be cheating on you.
I know your heart is breaking but please ... do not let it break over his oh-so-gentlemanly (Not) dramatic anguish.
What to do? Is there any way out of this?
My dear, when horrible things happen, the only way past it is through it.
You are going to have to drive a tractor through what you thought was your relationship.
He's not staying with you "because vulnerable" or "because am gentleman/saint accidentally in love". He's staying with you becuase he's as yet undecided, & is too cowardly to decently finish with one woman before he starts on another.
His declaimations to this girl about you are both too good for him are a crass attempt to keep her dangling, & doing the 'pick-me dance'.
Once you tell him you know about the girl, he is highly likely to engage you in that 'pick-me dance'.
Your best way out of this is to choose not to dance.
Here's why - www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/
Hard though it is, painful though the next few weeks are going to be, the fastest route to future happiness for YOU is to take absolute control of the situation by sacking DP.
He has shown you he is not worthy of your loyalty & love.
He is playing mind games with the girl, & lying to you.
He wants to have his cake & eat it.
All his lines to the girl are straight from The Script. All designed to keep her waiting while he has his fill of domestic satisfaction with you, & excitement & potentially pastures new with her.
Hoping that he will change his mind & decide that you're the better bet is a recipe for months of unhappiness. Please - NO PICK-ME DANCING!
You're unlikely to feel able to act immediately & decisively, because you still need to process your emotions & at least start licking your wounds while you let the shock settle. If you want to keep your powder dry & not reveal what you know to him yet - fine & dandy.
You make decisions at your own pace, & concentrate ONLY on you, & your recovery.
DP is not your friend.
DP is not on Team Whoknew, & you will only sabotage yourself & delay your recovery if you waste any time actively hoping (let alone dancing) for him to Pick You.
Hes not worth you.
If the girl 'wins' him, she's won a cheat. Big deal. A pompous, cringingly cheesey cheat, what with his "such a Good Man caught unwillingly in a Bad Situation" schtick. Yuck.
Give yourself as much time as you need to gather your inner strength, then give him both barrels & his marching orders.
And don't listen to any mendacious bleating about "I was Being Kind didn't want to hurt you" blah blah blah self-justifying nonsense.
If he really cared about not hurting you - he wouldn't have behaved so hurtfully. Dump the cheat - at your own convenience.
