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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DP is in love with someone else (long)

202 replies

whoknew1 · 08/05/2021 18:54

Yesterday I discovered that my partner is in love with someone else.
We have been together just over a year.

Lately I have noticed he has changed a bit, there were fewer meets and we practically stopped having sex. He is still physical with me, we cuddle, kiss and share the bed but I felt something was off.
Last night I wanted to have sex and he just fobbed me off and fell asleep.
I was a bit drunk and stupidly checked his phone and there it was. Hundreds of messages between him and a girl, starting just the beginning of this year. Lots of general chit chat but also love confessions.
He tells her she is beautiful and amazing.
She knows about me, I figured out she found out his not single by accident. There relation seems more emotional than physical. It's clear from the messages they kissed but haven't had sex yet.
I think she is an old friend.
He told her that he loves her wants to be with her but cannot break up with me now because of my mum's health and mine. He says he cares about me and just cannot 'do this' to me now when I am so vulnerable.
He told her he loved her and asked her to wait for him. She refused, blocked him for a couple of weeks but came back, said she loved him too and will wait.

I am in a limbo. Don't know what to think and don't know what to feel. I am stupidly hoping that we still have a chance since he hasn't left! If he really loved this girl, he would have broken up with me by now. I am hoping that she is just some distraction or maybe an old flame. I checked her on social media and she is nothing special. But the messages between them even tho not sexual are just so intimate in a way. They don't share pictures or sext but the way they communicate is even worse.
I can't even get angry as he hasn't technically cheated on me. I was angry at first but reading all this messages I see they both feel shitty about the whole situation too. I listened to some voice notes he sent her where he says he is a cu** and hates himself for doing this all, that we are both too good for him and he doesn't deserve any of us. It broke my heart.
What to do? Is there any way out of this?
I wanted to confront him straight away but I am scared now that once I do it then he is gone. I cannot picture him gone, I love him and have no idea how I will cope without him and his help. He helped me so much in hard times. But I can't picture him skipping off to be happy with this girl. I utterly hate her even though I know I should maybe hate him more.

(Using friends account as cba to namechange)

OP posts:
Badgerlock42 · 09/05/2021 19:58

How can people say he is a cheater and of no worth and then defend him and say he could of concated the police. He hasn't as he knows what he did.

OP, you are not thinking clearly.

We can say it because even "cheaters of no worth" do not deserve to be assaulted.
He didnt contact the police because, despite the cheating, he has many good points (remember all the care he gave you?) & instead of compounding your distress by calling Plod out, he chose to take care of you, get you home, & endure your incessant repetitive questioning.

Did you imagine that displaying your wounded feelings to him like this would manipulate him into changing his mind?
Maybe, when you access some therapy, that would be a good place to start.
Other people are not responsible for your feelings.
Other people are not to blame for your actions.

Perhaps if you get some help in unpicking this, you will be able to regulate your emotions more effectively, & start to increase your self-resiliance.

LemonTT · 09/05/2021 20:00

There’s a lot of drinking and a lot of drama in the course of 2 days. Maybe you aren’t seeing the real problem here.

Moondust001 · 09/05/2021 20:07

Sorry, but it seems to me that you had a short term relationship and your neediness trapped him in. He felt he couldn't easily get away, and didn't know how to. In view of how you have acted, that isn't so surprising. I think you need some help before your embark on further relationships. Even based on your version of this, you come across as irrational, violent, needy and disturbed. I wonder what his version reads like?

omgthepain · 09/05/2021 20:16

To be honest
A year is nothing in the grand scheme of things is it???

Just dump him

Pollypocket89 · 09/05/2021 20:17

The dump him ship has long sailed

ExhaustedFlamingo · 09/05/2021 20:25

No matter how poorly the ex-BF behaved, there were some red flags in the OP's first few posts - and now they've out flying in all their glory.

The relationship was pretty new, especially as you couldn't even see each other until there were bubbles. And yet during that time you effectively made him your carer....he does sound like a classic "rescuer" but you sound incredibly needy and I suspect the relationship was all about your needs.

Badmouthing your DC's father to them is unfair. My DM used to do that to me when I was a child and it was awful.

You seem woefully short of insight, and uninterested in anyone else's viewpoint but your own.

I'd suggest counselling, so you can avoid assaulting the next BF that upsets you, and so you can make some healthier life choices.

Flowers500 · 09/05/2021 20:43

Like the others on here I tried to be supportive and steer you towards a dignified exit. But the way you have acted is vile, you are lucky to not be in a police station right now. If you wanted him to feel bad he feels the opposite—I doubt he feels anything but relief now about no longer dating you. You can’t act the way you have, this would be hard to excuse in a teenager but you are a grown woman. It sounds like you need serious help before you date again.

Lilymossflower · 09/05/2021 20:50

You won't be happy long term like this. And he has shown his colours early in the relationship. If it's not this girl , if you stay then in years to come it will be another one because he was able to get away with it this time.

Leave this prick, you deserve better.
Check our emotionally now and process those feelings and get yourself in a head space of being single and yours ducks in a row they say.

That said, I know how hard it is to get rid of someone who you are reliant on for help, even when you know they are a prick, even when you don't like them anymore. So for this first step right now don't feel bad taking advantage of the help he is giving, because you do need it. Just get independent again as soon as possible and then ditch him

Pollypocket89 · 09/05/2021 20:53

Get away with it?? Get away with what, he didn't want to be with op, yes he should have said earlier but from the huge escalation of unstable behaviour, I can see why he was apprehensive

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/05/2021 20:54

Also OP I've realised you've shit talked him on here a few times since October onwards so all was not rosy!! You need to get some help to stop this cycle, stop drinking and commit to getting yourself well. You have children who are being damaged by all this drama around your relationship dynamics. Enough is enough.

KarmaIsAnAngel · 09/05/2021 20:57

@CallMeCleo

Sadly the OP does not seem to want to read any of your very excellent replies.
Just about to say this.

People are wasting their breath. Pity party for one. OP is getting some excellent advice and replies and barely bothering to even acknowledge any of them.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2021 21:45

He’s had a lucky escape, it would seem

GroovyPeanut · 09/05/2021 21:51

It would seem from previous threads the OP only met this guy in Oct last year, it was supposedly red flags central because he wouldn't look at her car.
People have slagged this guy off, and yet he met her in October, and was wanting to end it in January. So it wasn't a year long relationship. Bottom line they met, dated a few times, she had car issues, she wanted him doing household chores. He realised it was going nowhere and it wasn't for him, and was going to end it. He didn't like to dump the OP as she was intense. She's looked at his phone, found it wasn't for him, and she's kicked off, and turned it all back on him, and walloped him.
I bet he's glad he's out of it all.

WingingItSince1973 · 09/05/2021 21:57

Your post is so odd as it doesn't tally with your previous posts about this man. Your posts from Oct / Nov are all about how bad he is and you want rid? Plus it doesn't sound like you have been with him for a year. Don't like to call people out who I don't know but it's really really odd how you've behaved considering he was such an awful man in your previous posts

Cloudfrost · 09/05/2021 22:04

yes seriously, finding your anger and actually releasing it physically on someone else are two different things... you slapped him and then instead of thinking omg what have i done like a normal person, you proceeded to kick him too... thats not normal. if he has any sense at all he should get a restraining order against you cause of all your threats to him!

and with regards to everything else he said...well what did you expect would happen, you already knew from their messages that he loved her and was only with you cause you are were in a bad place.

Maggiesfarm · 09/05/2021 22:13

whoknew1: My shitty ex husband who treated me so bad at the end, eve has been with one woman for 4 years now and they seem to have an amazing life. Even my kids roll their eyes when I sometimes bitch about them that it's probably all fake.

Why on earth are you bitching to your children about their father and his partner? That is seriously out of order.

When I first looked at this thread I imagined you to be a young girl but you are 40! Old enough to know better and to conduct yourself with some dignity.

Let him go, you don't need this man, nor does he need you.

BoredtoTiers · 09/05/2021 22:16

JFC OP. He's starting to come out of this one hell of a lot better than you.

  • You seem to have been incredibly needy towards a new boyfriend
  • You cheated on and bad mouth your ex to your kids
  • He was scared to end it with you
  • That seems reasonable on his part because you assaulted him

Seek help.

RantyAnty · 09/05/2021 22:53

You mentioned having mental health issues.

With kindness, it would be best to get back into therapy, have your medication reevaluated.

There is real help for you from professionals who will help you much more than some guy. I suspect it's pretty miserable to feel this way.

MuckyPlucky · 09/05/2021 23:39

So he’s not her ‘partner’, he’s a new boyfriend, who as recently as Oct/Nov (when she started dating him) she was unsure about and was on here saying he was selfish / overweight / greedy / had BO / was boring / inconsiderate / didn’t pay for his daughter etc. As soon as they started dating she was on here claiming red flags because he wasn’t washing her dishes or cooking at her house, and wasn’t fixing her car (basically she wanted this dating acquaintance whom she didn’t even like to fill the role of an instant husband).

Yet suddenly, he’s her ‘partner’ and she’s so outraged to discover he’s not into this shit-show of a new ‘relationship’ that she says she had to go to a friends so as not to ‘do something stupid’, then has it out with him, sobs and pleads, physically assaults him, then posts on here that she’s a heartbroken victim as if she’s some betrayed wife of 20 years!

Righto Hmm

GroovyPeanut · 09/05/2021 23:44

@MuckyPlucky

So he’s not her ‘partner’, he’s a new boyfriend, who as recently as Oct/Nov (when she started dating him) she was unsure about and was on here saying he was selfish / overweight / greedy / had BO / was boring / inconsiderate / didn’t pay for his daughter etc. As soon as they started dating she was on here claiming red flags because he wasn’t washing her dishes or cooking at her house, and wasn’t fixing her car (basically she wanted this dating acquaintance whom she didn’t even like to fill the role of an instant husband).

Yet suddenly, he’s her ‘partner’ and she’s so outraged to discover he’s not into this shit-show of a new ‘relationship’ that she says she had to go to a friends so as not to ‘do something stupid’, then has it out with him, sobs and pleads, physically assaults him, then posts on here that she’s a heartbroken victim as if she’s some betrayed wife of 20 years!

Righto Hmm

Yep that's pretty much it in a nutshell 👍
Maggiesfarm · 09/05/2021 23:56

I have read all the op's posts but don't see where she said she physically assaulted the boyfriend.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/05/2021 23:59

@Maggiesfarm

I have read all the op's posts but don't see where she said she physically assaulted the boyfriend.
She changed her username so it has 11 after her name instead of 1. She slapped and kicked him, awful behaviour.
Osirus · 10/05/2021 00:06

@seekingadvice23

She's hurt, she's not vile. She wants him to feel the pain that she is feeling because of his actions. She admits she made a mistake but have some compassion for someone who feels like their heart is broken! I'm sure that most of us have been there, I certainly have. Violence isn't the option we all know that. No it isn't the OW fault but she knew he was in a relationship, regardless of the length of said relationship, she was willing to wait for him. In doing so it's caused heartache to someone already struggling. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it will get better.
Physical abuse is ALWAYS vile.

I actually don’t think he’s done much wrong. I know you’re hurt, but he did try to do what he felt was the right thing - to continue to support you when you needed his help.

Flowers500 · 10/05/2021 00:26

@Maggiesfarm

I have read all the op's posts but don't see where she said she physically assaulted the boyfriend.
You missed the second half under a different username
Maggiesfarm · 10/05/2021 04:53

Thanks Flowers.

I get the op is hurting, that's how relationships go sometimes, we do feel hurt and we hurt. However this is not a 'partnership', they obviously liked and fancied each other but it was too early to be so invested. He has obviously changed his mind about her and is trying to back off carefully.

OP has to grow in dignity and move on.