New Fab & Glam (Part 2 - happy endings?!)

[Baffy]

Lets hope this is the thread where we all find our happy endings

HW I do understand what you mean. When H and I were back together (albeit briefly) after I first found out, I was so determined to save the marriage, and in some respects to 'win' (I hope that makes sense to you), that I buried a lot of emotions and focussed on doing whatever it took to get through it.

It was only when he left the second time that I actually allowed myself to feel everything. I went out, pulled blokes proved to myself I could do/have whatever I wanted, cut H out, showed him that I didn't need him, sorted out a new job etc. Basically to prove to myself what I could do and to prove to him I didn't need him. I also got a lot of my anger and frustration out. Went totally mad on nights out with my friends. And generally got it all out of my system.

I think that's what then gave me the strength to still fight for the marriage. Because I knew the alternative was no better, and I'd had the time for 'me'. So I then had the energy to focus on what was truly important.

I guess what I'm saying is that even though things are quite flat right now, H is there. He's giving you 100%. He's saying and doing all the right things. And no matter how you got to this stage, this is ultimately the outcome you wanted and the best outcome there could have been.

Things on the outside would be no better. The grass is rarely greener is it. And even though we all have regrets thoughts about how we should/could have done things differently, all that matters is that we do what seems right at the time.

But are you feeling like you need some time alone? Or to start doing things differently? Perhaps settling back into things the way they used to be (your old life so to speak) means that you feel more vulnerable because this is how things were when the affair happened.
IYSWIM!
Do you need to start making some subtle changes. So that his words/actions are mirrored by a new life too, new ways of doing things, more special time for you two... and that could perhaps give you some of that security back.

Do you still talk about all this and your feelings or are you having to surpress them in order to try and keep things as 'normal' as possible?
It sounds like you really do need to talk

pc he's unbelieveable

is he still getting help for the depression?

and does he explain how the depression only seems to affect him when it is directly in relation to his committments to you and dd... but when he has to make a decision or move that is all about him, he miraculously manages to find the time, ability and strength

Thanks baffy

Once again you are right. We do still talk about it but i feel it all at his pace (the counsellor says i have to stop punishing him- which is not why i need to do it). You are right this is the best outcome for everyone - and i know it would not have been fair for the children. I can never change what happend i just wish there was a manual of ways to get through this, and i could just follow the steps.

Completly understand about the wanting to 'win' at all costs too.

I also know my happiness is up to me now and i need to find something just for me - it is just so hard to find any time really (i know excuses excuses). The thing is i am not unhappy just want to be certain that i have taken the right path (and i think i need other people to re-assure me too). We are taking so much more time just for us as a couple although that is not easy at the moment as i am trying to stick to a diet and he is cutting back on the booze a bit so we have to aviod food and drink places for a while, and its not exactly walking in the park weather at the moment.

It is sometimes so much easier to give advice than to take it.

nail on the head there baffy. he msn'd me last night and said he knew i was pissed off with him and that he understood how hard everything was for me!

have just spent 30mins sorting out council tax and water for him.

anniversary of my father's death today too so not a good day for me.

wish i too could have some time to go out and go mad if only to prove to myself that it's not all it's cracked up to be. i know it's not but i just feel so trapped by this whole situation and resentful of being left literally holding the baby.

this wasn't the way it was supposed to be and it wasn't how 2008 was supposed to start for me.

i just feel completely hemmed in by everything. and now i find the refund of CT i was hoping for will only just cover what i owe because they stopped the account and suspended payments whilst this was resolved - taking 6m to do it.

HW, do you have any shared activities that you enjoy? or can you think of anything? maybe take up golf together or cycling or sailing or horse-riding!

i am impressed with how you have managed to get thru all that you have. i can also understand how you feel about things returning to "normal" and wondering if you did actually do the right thing etc.

i agree with baffy, you got the outcome you wanted and maybe it would be good to let go of how you got that outcome.

don't beat yourself up for how you dealt with what was a terrible shock and terrible thing to have to face. you did what your instincts told you to do at the time.

your actions held your family together and you are over a year down the line now. be proud of that and be proud of yourself for making that happen.

that's not to say that you don't have teh right to evaluate your life and make sure you are where you want to be. but do that going forward, not by looking back.

it definitely is easier to give advice than take it!

But honestly, you've been an inspiration to so many people on here and you've come through one of the worst things imaginable, with your family, and dignity, in tact.

Whichever option you took would never have been easy. Perhaps giving up on the marriage you would have the excitement of building a new life, none of the trust issues, none of the constant reminders. But trust me, that does not compare to how good it must be to have the man you love by your side, doing everything he can to make you happy, and your children not having to go through what my ds is going through now. You're all in this together. And getting through it together.

I think both options are equally lonely. If you're anything like me, going over and over things in your head, it's awful. It's not about punishing him is it, it's about trying to come to terms with everything and trying to move on. It takes a lot of time.

You're doing so well though. You're an inspiration to me.

And fwiw - I believe champage and vodka with slimline tonic are the best drinks when you're on a diet. Champagne has hardly any calories (I'm sure that's right!). So there is as good an excuse as any to get out together and have a few drinks

pc sorry it's such a hard day for you

I really wish I knew what to say to make it better. If I could just have 10 minutes with your H!!!

Thanks baffy,

I think either options is hard and i have times when i think it would have been easier to just throw the towel in - i dont think anyone would have blamed me (and some still wouldnt).

The trouble with champagne is that it leads to more alcolhol - (well it did at the weekend anyway!!!!!). As long as i keep it to the weekend i will be ok though.

No nobody would blame you at all!

I think pc is right when she said "that's not to say that you don't have the right to evaluate your life and make sure you are where you want to be. but do that going forward, not by looking back. "

I think that's spot on. Don't blame yourself for how you're feeling or question how you got here now. You know this was the outcome you wanted, but now it's all calmed down and you're back to the reality of 'normal' life, you can see the true lasting impact of what has happened.
This is something you couldn't have known back then in the midst of all the heartache, so it's only natural that at each stage you will want to take a step back and re-evaluate it all again. It's only that way you can decide if this is the life you still want, and how you want things to be so you can be happy going forward.

And if champagne leads to more alcohol... just open another bottle of champagne

Baffy, HW, PC, so sorry you're all going through 'stuff'. I really do think we need some good weather - I certainly feel fed up with the year so far - nothing but depression, money worries and deaths. I texted a friend I hardly see, to wish her happy birthday (I usually forget and missed her 50th last year) & she texted back to say how sweet of me to think of her, but she's burying her mother tomorrow! .

PC, I think you're wonderful to sort out your ex's bills for him. I'd be tempted to leave him to it - you have enough of your own to worry about.

We still haven't found a roofer (the only one we know who's any good, hasn't got his ladders this week - so we hope the ceiling doesn't collapse before next week). Plumber and electrician visited to sort out some bizarre wiring in our heating system, which means we can't turn the immersion off - costing us a fortune. Hope their charges will offset the future savings on bills...

And DP was very low last night. He looked shaggy, unshaven and unwashed - is this the most gorgeous man I have ever known ? I was out half the evening attending a parents evening & visiting my old school with DD - DD is applying for the 6th form there - so really didn't have time for him. (It felt really strange going into the old school - left there 32 years ago but I immediately remembered my way around and it even SMELT the same!) When we came home, gave him a hug and some pizza and left him to himself. He seemed better for me not probing or challenging him, at least we didn't row and he was affectionate, but obviously very miserable. I know he's worried about work and the money situation, but so am I and I don't bury it by drinking gallons of wine.

Oh bums, life must lovely out there for SOMEONE???

Thanks pc and baffy you are right of course. We do lots of things together and have both learnt a lot about how to try and keep each other special each day. But sometimes it just seems such hard work and surely the love of your life should not really feel like hard work.

I do think some of it is the weather though and as today has been a lovely day here i have felt a bit better.

I heard on the radio tonight that monday 21st january is officially the most depressing day of the year - as the bills are now coming in and we have all but given up on the new year resolutions and spring is an age away and of course it is monday and probably not pay day (although it is for me so there is some good news for me).

So be prepared for monday everyone and lets make sure we all have a good weekend.

Thanks everyone for your help today.

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Sorry to hear your son is being bullied Dior. Is school sensible about things like this?

Im pissed off with XP as he's not thinking again. I know its nothing compared to what some people are coping with on here, but anyway....

Wednesday is his day for picking DD up from school. The idea is he brings her back for 7pm so I can get her to bed. We made an arrangement that I would go to the gym on Weds so he would put her to bed, do story etc while I was out.

OPn Monday I told him I wouldnt be going as I am really skint at the moment. So when I realised it was 7.40 tomight abd they still werent back, i phoned in a panic.

His excuse - I told you to message me if you werent going, so I thought you were out.

WTF! No, I said I wasnt going!

Then he brings her back, makes a big play of reading the letters from school, which were really just waste paper, then of course I find out he hasnt read with her. Even when he does, half the time he doesnt write in her book, so it looks like were not reading with her.

So now Ive got to get her into bed all wound up, and make time to read with eher in the morning.

Plus he's all cross and trying to make out that whehn he puts her to bed shes asleep by 7.30, and that it was alweays me who put her to bed late. I admit Im not always the best at that, as Im usually trying to do three things at once. But I distinctly remember constantly nagging him to take her up on the days he wanted to put her to bed, and getting the yeah, just a second (minute, hour) while he read something or watched the telly. And he's get really pissed off if I tried to take over.

Looks like you never get rid of their bad habits, however hard you try.

Blimey - 2008 is crappy already!! Hope its just January and the rest of the year is going to improve. It can't get a lot worse can it?
(X)DP heard today that he has to go into hospital in 2 weeks for his knee operation. He asked me to take the day off and drive him there, which I'll do, but he'll be off his feet for a good few weeks and I know he'll want to stay here while he recuperates. I don't want it to be his excuse to move back in, but I can't leave him on his own. He hasn't asked if he can recuperate here but I'm sure he will at some point and I need to work out what my answer will be. If its not one thing its another at the moment.
I feel like running away from my whole life sometimes (with dc obviously!)

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Sorry dior yes i will try and facebook you with my numbers so we can get together soon - sorry about your weight - i have been sticking to the plan this week and it has worked but i have a long way to go and it really is hard this time of year. Hope you get the bullying sorted too - it is such a tricky situation (i have had it from both sides - my son being bullied and then being accussed of being the bully, - it is difficult with boys as you want them to stand up for themselves and be one of the lads too).

Ginnedup - sorry to hear about your h and the op - is there nowhere else he could go after? It will be very hard but if he does come back you must show him that you have moved on with your life - by just not being there for him - keep yourself busy and out of the house as much as possible. if he is anything like mine he will hate that - give us your number and we can call and text you lots so he knows you have lots of friends who care about you, it still drives my h mad that i have made some great friends on here (its a part of my new life that he wants in on iyswim).
Good luck anyway.

Hi to everyone else

Dior I hope everything's ok with ds - let us know.

ginnedup I would be inclined not to let him move back in after his op. I know that sounds harsh, but I really really feel like if you don't make a stand this time he will never ever learn. There's always a way to find an excuse reason for letting them back in, but was he thinking about any of this at Christmas when he did what he did? No, he was just thinking of himself. And therefore it's not your problem that you have kicked him out and that just happens to be around the time he needs his op.

The way he's behaved with you over the house, computers etc, after he was in the wrong in the first place and should have been bending over backwards to fix things after what he put you through - don't forget it! Don't let him worm his way back in, please. Otherwise you'll be in this viscious circle forever.

You have such a good heart. But you've made the stand now, and I truly believe if there is to be a future for you both, he has to believe you mean what you say, and take the initiative to get help and change. If you go back on it now, for any reason, he knows he can get away with treating you that way forever.

You need to see a changed man, alongside committment and effort over a long period of time. Don't let your love or sympathy for him cloud that. Let himfend for himself. However hard it is. He made his bed!
And it may just be the wake up call he needs...

fubsy - at xp. I guess things like that make you realise you're better off without him though!!

tanee, sorry that dp is feeling so low. it's lovely that you can understand it though and give him the space he needs, but you still have that closeness and affection. he's lucky to have you!

Having just read what baffy wrote i think i agree with her. If he is just expecting you to be there for him after the op. He has chosen to be single by his actions - how do single people get on after a similar op?

It will be hard for you because you are a kind soul but that is what he is taking advantage of.

I have no doubt he will get angry and try and put the blame on you - as it may mean he will have to change his appointment - but i do think it is for the best making him know the consequences of his past actions.

We would all love to be married at our convenience but it just doesnt work like that.

Good luck anyway

Ginned up - have to agree with the others, he ought to find someone else to be his "nurse", unless you can make it very clear that you are just helping shim out because you are a good person (which you are!)

I like HW's idea of getting lots of phone calls and texts from us - I know that would really wind my X up!

GinnedUp, I do agree - if at all possible, try to get him to have someone else play 'nurse' - or if are the only one available, make sure he's back ONLY until his knee is better. After all, plenty of single people have ops and don't have partners or exes willing to look after them...

Dior, really hope the bullying is sorted out. I'm not at all sure that many schools are really effective at dealing with it - as you say, so often the bully is treated as a victim. I suffered a spell of bullying when I was 12-13, and it affected my self-confidence for years - in fact, not sure I ever recovered. It's left me with VERY strong feelings about the subject!

Fubsy - deep breath and say after me - he is a twit...

Baffy, thanks for the kind words. I know, I'm a lovely person ! DP actually thanked me last night for being so patient with him 'while he's away' as he put it. Yes, I'm being very patient - just hope I can keep it up for the foreseeable !

And the immersion heater is still hot despite being rewired yesterday and turned off!!!!

Hi all sorry i haven't been on for a bit have been feeling little sorry for myself am now 40 +12 and booked in for induction tom so my home water birth gone out of the window!
Hopefully i will have chance to catch up sometime and get back on with some good news over the weekend.
Take care all LL x

wow lily didn't realise you were 40+12!!

that lo must be too comfortable in there!

good luck for tomorrow and let us know the news when you can xxxxxxx

btw everyone I'm off on holiday tonight so won't be back until late monday night. so you know where I am

although after a falling out with NM last night, and another one just now, there is NO WAY on this planet I'll be going with him. he's just too much like hard work

am currently texting all my friends to see who can make a flight at 7am tomorrow morning and get the time off work at short notice!! Am serious though.

If anyone here fancies the trip let me know!
(Have written destination on FB posts - won't write it here.)

perhaps I should start a thread...

"free holiday with the lovely Baffy - any takers?!"