New Fab & Glam (Part 2 - happy endings?!)

[Baffy]

Lets hope this is the thread where we all find our happy endings

Thanks

If he doesn't sign soon he will either be getting a stern letter from my solicitor, or a visit from my dad and brother

He made the choice to have the affair, he just isn't strong enough to see it through to the end one way or another.

He knows he's making the biggest mistake of his life, he can't see any way to put it right because he has become so insular and selfish, and to fix things would take effort on his part.
But he just doesn't have the balls to end it once and for all. Because that would mean some sort of acceptance on his part. And he refuses to accept the extent of what he's done to his wife and child.

So he's put himself in a stalemate position and refuses to speak to anoyone about it, even me, because it's too painful.

So I have to keep living in limbo...

My patience is running out though.

paddle - are you motivated enough to meet me for lunch tomorrow?

kew, technically yes but in reality i have a 1 - 3pm meeting near Temple so don't think i can manage it.

baffy, i do wonder what H will do when he gets the papers from me finally. probably sign them immediately tehn go whip himself a bit more and put his hair shirt back on and tell teh world how hard his life is!

Well, as a woman who was divorced for adultery, I can have an inkling of how your H feels - signing those papers means acknowledging what he's done, and acknowledging that he did wrong, AND that there's now no way back. I remember feeling very weird when going through the divorce, even though I knew it was the right thing to do, because it was so final, and so sad. (I tried to get exH to drop the 'adultery' bit, as I was afraid dd wouldn't like it in black and white when she was older - I'd have preferred 'irretrievable breakdown', but he needed it to assuage his anger, I think, and it just wasn't worth fighting about - especially as he threatened to fight for custody if I didn't agree - and wicked as I may have been, I wasn't having that!).

Having said I understand why your H may be stalling, I don't condone it. He needs to face up to what he's done and get on with it - try to lessen the harm and hurt he's done you by setting you free to get on and live your life. Otherwise he's just being a moral coward. What on earth has he to gain by NOT signing???

baffy FWIW I suspect OW contacting you means something going on Sorry but bitter experience speaks here - I knew as long as OW was quiet he probably was not playing both of us but as soon as she started causing trouble H had been playing her too...also I do NOT feel sorry for OW AT ALL - she can walk away she is not married has no DC or finacial or history with him THESE women choose to continue to pursue married men with kids involved and I just cannot fathom why

Message withdrawn

I echo what Dior has said to Baffy and PC - I really feel for you, being played by these wretched men.

Baffy, my h also tells me a LOT that it's very hard for him, I don't understand what he's going through, it's so tough etc etc, and it just baffles me. It was HIS decision to walk away, 3 hours after he told me he wasn't happy, no discussion, nothing, and moved almost straight in with slutguts. Even though that left me with no job, home or relationship, and I had to pack up our brand new home and move, twice, with dd. He's been non-stop partying, says his relationship is fabulous and they never argue, he is happy in his job.... I really don't get him. Yes, he doesn't have me or dd around, but that was totally and utterly his choice. So weird.

So are you trying to get a divorce then? We haven't spoken about that yet, am a bit reluctant, as it's just so sad and final. Also know it will be a fight, as I would at least want to cite unreasonable behaviour on his part, and he won't want that. Probably need to though, the bits of clearing his stuff away (like off the computer) does make me feel better.

Am shocked at OW too, though.....bizarre behaviour.

PC, am thinking of you too.... Missed that bit of h telling you that he realised he'd lost the best thing he'd had - that's fantastic. Am still waiting for that from my h, but think he's too proud to ever say it.

He's here now, with dd, already making excuses to leave early, nice...

Oh well at least your arses actually talk to you - mine seems to have shut down talking about anything of any significance - we talk about DD1 and 2, money house business etc but NOT about us at all....he came with for DD2 repeat hearing test (which was fine ) and tried to hold my hand ...

mac, mine doesn't talk to me. doesn't talk to dd. admit he improved a little thru december and we spent last sat arvo on a family outing - an excuse for him to go to the football.

have done a quick facebook update

catch up tomorrow xx

OW up to her old tricks more later..

Good Morning Teabags!

Well i turn my back for a few days and what a depressing thread this becomes! The tossers are still tossing (is that rude?) and having an overbearing effect on the moods and the happiness of my fellow teabags. Time to change that!!

Me thinks its time to get the mincer out of storage and make room in the freezer. Anyone want to make a reservation?

Oh no macd

They just don't go away do they!

TFM nice to see you
Don't worry - I'm still smiling I promise! xx

just popping in to say 'hello' after a wee hello from baffy.

just had a quick skim through - so sorry things are still as abd as ever, if not worse, baffy & pc.

It will get better, it will. I'll just pray that it all speeds up a bit (ok, a lot) for you. what a living nightmare these 'men' are putting you through

Ok, a brief ernest update. Things are going ok. Am 17 weeks pg. Will find out this time what it is. baby fine, kids are delighted.

Am finding the separation from dh much harder than I anticipated. The kids really miss him a lot. My biggest problem is I don't find I miss him a lot and that worries me. I'm just so busy in the week looking after the 3 boys, running the home etc etc, then evenings I'm busy tidying or speaking to him on the phone, then it's bed time. I really worry it would be very detrimental to our relationship to do this long term, so for these reasons, I agreed to move to Milam, tho I desperately wanted to stay here. I just think 2 years separation would be unsustainable and too hard on the boys. Ds 3 doesn't understand and keeps asking 'why's my dad in Milan?" etc

So anyway, I am moving to Milan probably mid-August, leaving CH mid July with 2 week holiday in between. well, that's the plan... baby due 20th June, but probably come on 13th.

dh I think is finding it very lonely in Italy without us. Good. Hope he learns to appreciate us all (but esp me!) a LOT more.

Nudging towards anniversary of finding out. I still think about it all scarily much. Depressing really to think I'll never get over. it. It's really changed a lot. I can't say I trust him, dunno if I ever will. I've lost my feeling of security. I've lost that special feeling of being 'the one'. I always thought I was the person he'd turn to, that we were a team, that I was the one whatever that means. Clearly I'm not that at all, and anyone (or was it just her) who'd do. I still feel so angry towards OW. Still fantasise about 'punishing' her in some way. In some way regret never having said one word to her.

But on the positive side (if there is one) I feel stronger. I pick him up more if he's rude. I stand up for myself more, he make more of an effort. I know I want to be together with him, but he has dammaged our marriage and me not totally, so it's over, but a part irreversably, say we've got a lovely jaguar, but one of the wings is permanently smashed in and will never be fixed. And every time I look at the car I see the damage and am reminded of why, how, where it happened.

oh well.

Am now trying to work out what I want to do with my life. I can't work for the forseeable future, due to new baby plus new country & new language, but I'd like to use my 2 years in Milan to retrain?study if possible, so that when I return to UK (gulp) in 2.5 years, I can get a job, be more independant etc etc. This has been a huge wake up call for me.

I'm sorry this has gone on for so long. I don't pop in as much, as frankly, I'd be permanently guled to the computer, my main dock is june antenatal group. I really and truly wish all of us the strength and courage we need to get through this, and hope 2008 turnd out good, cos frankly 2007 was shit.

The biggest thing I'm proud about btw, is that I had the courage and sense to keep this from my beloved mil, and even stuck to our holiday plan, taking her away for a week, even tho it was just over a month after finding out, cos she got so ill literally just a week after our holiday and died in peace, never having found out. And I hope dh never forgets that either.

lovely to hear from you ernest

totally agree about your MIL, I hope your dh never forgets how much strength and dignity that took from you to put her feelings and happiness above your own. you should be so proud of the way you've coped with everything, you've been amazing.

I'm sorry that you're having to leave and move to Milan. FWIW though it does sound like you're doing the right thing for your children and family. You'll probably be so busy once dc4 comes along you won't notice which country you're living in anyway!!

Great idea to use the time usefully and re-train or study for when you come back to the UK. I think with your strength and determination you really will make something good and special come from such an awful nightmare.

Keep focussing on the positives. What you've learnt and the ways in which it has made you stronger. He has to live with the guilt of causing all that damage. And although I know it will never truly go away, over time hopefully the pain will fade and the joy and happiness at your children growing up and you all being together as a family should outweigh everything else.

Really good to hear you're doing ok

lovely to hear from you ernest - i too feel the same as you. I have just read a book called this is not the life i ordered. There was one woman in there that found out about her husbands affair and says it is like the 'magic' has gone forever.

I too like you wish sometimes that i had faced the ow at the time as now it is too late and who is to say that this is the right way.

Dont worry about not missing him either - as i too feel that now when h stays overnight for work. I think it is because i now have more going on in my life too, and that can only be healthy for us.

Hi Earnest, good to hear from you and really glad things are going well with the baby. Don't forget to let us know what it is .

You're making the right decision to go to Milan - 2 years really isn't very long, and you've got plans to use it well - plus the baby will take up a lot of time and you & your dcs will get to learn Italian - so many pluses!

Don't beat yourself up about not missing DH - you've obviously got a lot to do - and being a busy woman, not pining and over-dependant, will make you even stronger. Nothing like being a little bit elusive to keep him on his toes, particularly after what you've been through. I do hope you reach a stage where, though you notice the dent in the Jag, it doesn't bother you too much because the engine's running well...

Hello everyone.
Baffy & PC - sorry your having such a rotten time lately.
Ernest - you are making the right decision to go to Milan. After all you've been through it would be awful if you drifted apart because of the long distance between you. I hope he appreciates you doing this for the sake of your marriage and dc - you sound lovely.
TFM - Bagsy first go of the mincer and deep freeze. DP on charm offensive again. He's still not moved back in (I'm being strong on that one) but he's worming his way back into my head and heart again with his general niceness. I wish he could be that man all the time but this is the usual pattern. It will be nice for a few weeks, then angry, then off on the booze again. I keep telling him this but I get "this time it will be different " Whatever.

Hello all, sorry things are so crap, just wanted to say hello and that I'm thinking of you all.

Baffy & PC, I echo what Dior said about your strength over this past year, please stay strong, you are both wonderful and we'll be here for you to lean on as you were for us. (Baffy thanks for the text last night )

Divorce seems to be a hot topic on here for 2008. I too will be instructing a solicitor to go ahead as soon as xh gets his act together and gets an address. It is very sad and seems so final but for me there is no going back now. at your xh Baffy, how could he put you thru all this then refuse to sign. I am amazed your patience didn't run out long ago tbh..

Dior, hope you're ok too and things good with H? Hope to catch up soon for a chat x

MacD, how's baby? Hope you are getting on ok, must be so difficult.

Ernest, good to hear from you & congrats on pg

Everyone else, TFM,HW,Tanee,GUP,Lily (have I forgotten anyone? I hope not) Thinking of you too xx

Baffy, sorry jumping back a bit from my last post as I've been reading backwards! I am so so sorry that your H is being such a complete twat. I mean ffs surely for your baby - his baby too - he could at least make some effort to have time together with you both as it obviously makes ds happy Why do these men feel they can just walk out and leave their partners to pick up the pieces. Your poor ds at the party

As for OW I just don't have words for what is going on for you atm without exploding myself...

Please stay strong as you have been so far. It WILL get better and easier, it has to. I for one will always be here if you need to chat as I'm sure all other teabags will be You have my number/email xx

arrrg!

h has announced today that he think it would be easier if he moved back to his parents' area which is 1.5hrs away.

this after he promised to move local to me as dd "needs him most" and to "make dd a priority" and "he wants to be more involved" and "he wants to be more supportive of me".

i am absolutely spewing.

he's brought all his own troubles on himself.

WHY DO I CARE ANYMORE!

pc I don't know what to say

didn't he just move back into your old place, what happened over that??
why do you think he's doing this?

SG thanks for the kind words
I don't know why my patience hasn't run out with him tbh. I can't believe I could love someone so much that I'd put up with this for so long - and continue to do so! I just wish I didn't have such strong views on marriage and the importance of giving it your best shot in all respects before walking away! I should have walked away a long time ago. I get mad at myself sometimes for the things I put up with. I always want to see the best in people though - I think it's because I still can't believe he's changed so much from the man I married.

I do really think some time alone is just what I need right now!!

Hi Baffy

I think i have similar feelings to you with respect to marriage and giving my best shot. i am feeling a bit down at the moment and i think some of it is because i think i should have been stronger. it all seems to have blown over and i am still stuggling with a whole lot of issues that i think i suppressed to give our marriage a go. and i am now feeling as if we are back to where we were nothing much has changed in reality (except i dont really trust him in the same way). dont get me wrong he is being fantastic and is saying all the right things, i just dont know what it is i need to get these negative feelings out of me.
I almost wish i could catch him at it so i could prove to myself how strong i would be this time. not sure why i feel like this just a bit flat at the moment - could be the lack of sunshine.

he did move back in but the landlord wouldn't do a rolling contract so he moved out again last week.

now that is causing a world of pain as he hasn't bothered to sort out the utilities and the landlord is being very unhelpful. they're as bad as each other and sending inflammatory emails to each other and copying me in!

so now i feel like i have to do all the admin for him. plus the council tax have completely buggered up the accounts and are demadning over £1k from me when they owe me in the region of £2k and all because they stuffed up when i applied for single person rebate.

i feel like i have to facilitate H getting his bond back so that he is more likely to stay in this area but he will do exactly as he damn well pleases as he always has.

i feel the same way as you about this marriage. clearly i am a fool tho, i should just walk away.

the only thing different for me is that i know H will sign any divorce papers immediatley and then give himself a pat on the back and believe he's done the right thing by me because it's what i want and he doesn't have the right to refuse it due to his behaviour.

how fucked up is that!

oh pc

Makes my problems seem so small. Men are bloody useless when it comes to bills ect. When my H moved out he didnt pay a single bill and got a demand from the concil tax. We have the same first initial and i even got a court summons for an unpaid bill this year (i didnt even know about it), and even though he admitted it was him the company would not accept it saying that it was my name on the bill and that it was up to me to prove i had never lived there!!!!

Why cant people(well men mainly) think past their pants? (and who is going to wash them for them).