Hi Baffy, breaks your heart doesn't it? So sorry your ds and you are having to go thru this.
I guess from that perspective dd has never been used to H being around. If she asks where he is I just say at work or at his house or something. I am still feeling angry about his not bothering to call her on her first day at pre-school.
Totally agree with you about it being their choice not to try and work things out. I've bent over backwards to try and keep my marriage alive and it's always him that abuses all the efforts I make. Even after a wonderful day last Saturday he can't even be bothered to keep up a minimum level of contact.
There's an interesting thread on depression in partners under relationships. A guy has posted from his own experience of depression and it's revealing stuff.
The hard facts are, yes it will always be like this for our dc. But, in this day and age there are so many varied family set ups and who's to say what's a "normal" family any more?
Our DC will learn and grow with the fact of how their family works. As they grow older they will understand more and it will be less upsetting for them when their Daddy isn't around at these times. Also, as they go out into the world and make friends they will begin to realise that there are lots of kids like them. Whether it will become less upsetting for us as their mothers is a different matter eh!
The ultimate kick in the teeth for these men will be when their children are old enough to see them for the lightweight, irresponsible, uncaring *&^%$ that they really are.
It will be us and their other loving family members who they rely on and love who will reap the benefits of the happy, secure and loving children that we are raising.
I see it as our job to remain upbeat and happy in front of the kids and not let them see how hurt we are by how their daddy behaves. Soon enough they will know who stood by them, who got them thru the night, who made every birthday and christmas special.
That to me is my prize, not the mythical day (that may never come) when H begs on his knees or at the very least admits they regret what they did and realise what they had is lost forever by their own actions.
I can't deny I did get a slight satisfaction from H's texts before Xmas telling me how much he missed me and realised he'd lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
But, on balance, he knows fine well he never lost me. I was always there ready to try again. He deliberately walked away regardless of his depression. As usual his text was self-serving and all about his own loss and pity and was actually (found out later) prompted by his belief that I was seeing someone else.
Anyways, I'm ranting on! Just wanted to say hi and empathise with you.