New Fab & Glam (Part 2 - happy endings?!)

[Baffy]

Lets hope this is the thread where we all find our happy endings

at work today so no FB access. will check later Baffy.

Tanee, sounds like dp is being classic depression affected self centered. it's in our nature to want to make them feel better etc. partly due to our gender but also partly due to each of us being good, kind, wise, loving people.

we can't fix them tho. it's taken me over 2 years to really realise that. even now i don't really think i have accepted it.

it's so hard to distance yourself when you see their pain and you just want to love them and be happy with them.

seems like depression and drinking go hand in hand for your dp.

thing is tho, we're all in exactly the same situation regardless of the many guises that it comes in.

we have all tolerated or are tolerating unacceptable behaviour from someone we love or did love.

the only we have been able to protect ourselves against being hurt time and again has been to distance ourselves from them.

it also proves to them we won't tolerate or enable their behaviour any longer.

I really feel for you guys. You've been thru so much in order to be together and you both deserve to be happy as does your daughter.

You guys have a tough few months of ups and downs and clearly your dp needs to find better ways to deal with his depression.

thing is tho, you can't do that for him. he has to want to do that himself. the easy option is to drown himself in drink.

you clearly have a dislike of over-indulging so it's just not somthing you can shrug off or ignore when he does it.

you're spot on with your observation. men don't seem to have been born with an lifetime adult gene. seems like the one they develop enough to get involved in adult activities runs out of batteries around 15 - 20yrs later!

i really don't know how to advise you on this one. his behaviour isn't fair to dd at a very basic level. his persitant drinking even tho he knows you don't like it is selfish and childish.

can you live without him and thus lose the drinking or can you live with the drinking and thus not lose him?

will he agree to being kinder to dd, try to stop being so childish himself and find a different outlet for his depression?

there are some good books on living with depressed people out there.

sorry, i have just waffled on and on and haven't been much help have i! and i'm late for a meeting!

hope things improve soon!

PC & Baffy, thank you so much! I feel better just for knowing you're out there - and with such wise words, too.

Yes, I do need to talk to him when he's over this bout. Trouble is, when he IS feeling better, he says some very positive things, and is apologetic, loving and regrets handling it so badly. Then the 'black dog' strikes again...

Have to admit I do like a drink myself most days - so I hesitate to ask him to limit his drinking as it seems hypocritical - but I know my limits most of the time - and he just seems to syphon it up! He drinks when he's happy too, admits his alcohol consumption went up when he stopped smoking, but of course, it merely exacerbates any low moods.

I did say to him that he could always knock on DD's door and ask for her to bring the pc down as soon as she'd finished, and he said 'I'm not chasing after her' - well then, that's his problem. She's a very considerate girl and would have brought it down if she'd known he needed it. I feel like she does a lot to fit in with us, more than many children her age would, particularly with someone who's not their father. Normally he too appreciates that, but not last night .

Unfortunately I was at work when all this happened - but yes, he could have done something, anything, other than drown his sorrows. I wouldn't even have minded if he'd phoned me, instead of shutting off into his little sad world.

I did borrow a book from the library some time ago about depression, I think it's time I read it.

Thanks again for all your support, I'm going to treat myself to a home made cheese fondue for lunch now. DD's gone shopping, & St Trinians awaits us later .

mmmm, cheese fondue? yum!

listen, I've got a couple of books on depression adn living with depressives that i bought a few years back.

i'll FB you and if you give me yuor address I'll post them to you.

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No lilyloo today

Perhaps the space hopper did some wonders? fingers crossed for her!

Anyone heard from Ernest recently?

She's on another thread in active convos - got a wierd pressie from DH I think!

Hi all, just checking in yo say hello. Hope you are all ok and having a good weekend..

Things have settled down here a bit, I have decided to let things go with H & accept the situation as it is. I've told him I don't want to hear about OW and to keep her out of our lives but other than that we can be friends & hopefully maintain that for the kids at least. I don't really care what he does when he's not here anymore... he's not the same person that I married.

Speak soon xx

Oh SG, Im so sorry. I feel nothing at all now when XP talks about his NW, and I feel sad about that! I know Im probably blocking a lot of it out, but I hate that numb feeling.

Ive just had two really shocking bills come in, and I cant even be bothered to get upset about that now, although I did say "wanker" to a bloke on Tiscali's helpline, which hasnt helped things.

Must go now as DD is trying to read this as I type!

Thinking of you xxx

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Thanks ladies, appreciate your thoughts..

Lol re calling bloke a wanker Fubsy!! Doesn't help but makes you feel better

Yes am feeling more positive now, I guess I made a last ditch attempt to make our marriage work over xmas but I can see now that I was reluctant to let things go mainly for the kids and probably because he had NW. I don't think it was for the right reasons on my part and he has shown me by his actions that he's changed.

Time to move onwards & upwards in this New Year.... hope things stay friendly between us tho and I think they will now the initial emotions have died down. Had a good day today, he took them out & they had a Daddy day as far as poss, looking forward to him getting his own proper place so he can have them there rather than being in my house all the time. But I had some quality time to myself which is all good!

Hope you're all ok, thinking of you all xx

Not so good today my mother came "to help" and stressed me out no end...I want a mum to look after me and she never could so not sure why I thought she could now...seemed to trigger deluge of negative thoughts(and I had been cping so well)....
I was sat BF my gorgeous baby sobbing heart out...I don't want to do this alone (I know I can but I don't want to) ...I never did, I wanted a family, I want to be taken care of, I want someone to make me a sandwhich and a cup of tea.....I am trying so hard to look at the positives - I have TWO amazing healthy daughters, a job I love, my own house....but I am still so sad and angry at my H for throwing it all away and not trying to change and fix things...I want to move on but seem stuck in a negative cycle.....

Oh Mac D, I'm so sorry,are you ok? Please talk am here...

Congrats on your new arrival

Can email me if you like, I'll give you my address let me know. Thinking of you x

macdoodle im so for you. I feel the same way if i am honest. Our baby was planned, we made plans but now he has ripped them all apart. I wanted to have a family, care for them, love them etc etc And now im left all on my own with DD and bump

Your mom should really have know better IMO, when we have a child our hormones are all over and we really don`t need our mothers putting negative thoughts our way

I am so scared of not being able to cope with two young DCs on my own

How are your DDs, love the name you picked for DD2

Mummy Of P, sorry to hear about your situation , have we met before here?

Sorry part of me knows this is hormonal but it is just not how I imagined my life....
My girls are wonderful...DD1 has been a bit jealous but so good and helful and caring, the baby is good as gold, feeding well, sleeping loads and a real cutie....my RL friends have been great...but H swans in kisses all of us does a few jobs then swans off again...and has the cheek to tell me he loves me ...I know I can cope it is hard but both are asleep all washed and fed and happy ....but I never wanted this I never wanted to do it alone

I understand MacD really please log on to messenger x

sunshinegirl i don`t think we have, nice to meet you

macdoodle i didn`t mean to make you think its just your hormones, sorry if it came across that way

I just know i`m going to feel exactly the same way as you when i have LO

Nice to meet you too Mummy Of P

I'm not in your situation exactly but I can appreciate what you are feeling. In a nutshell I have recently become a single Mum to 2, ages 4 and 3. It is hard, but you will get through it, we are strong

It is his loss in the end and there's probably (IME) not a lot you can do to change his mind even if it seems blatantly obvious to everyone else. I know you will be strong for your 2 and they will love you for it

Am hoping MacD is ok

sunshinegirl after reading some of your last posts i think we are in a simular situation.

My xp comes round here also talking about OW and there life, whats happening etc etc

XP has jsut got himself a house for him her and her best friend to move into, they also all work together etc

Well i also so i don`t want to know, and yes i want to also be friends with him for the sake of my DCs.

It is so hard to listen to there happiness isn`t it?

I feel like screaming at him to shut up talking about her, his life etc, i have said to stop but he can`t help but say things about himself or her

macdoodle are you ok?

Oh MOP, you are right, I can totally empathise with you It's so hard to listen to their happiness, but I have got to the point where I really don't want to know anymore, if he starts telling me I just tell him to stop or I change the subject swiftly. Tis a bit different with you still being pg tho, that is really low, I am sorry